Blake Lively’s baby bump made its red carpet debut at the God’s Love We Deliver Golden Heart Awards in NYC last night. (Yes, I hate the shit out of myself for typing that sentence.) Blake proved that the only things you need to make a stunning maternity gown are a bunch of pairs of saggy granny hose you curated from vintage lingerie stores, artisanal glitter and homemade glue. If this was Preserve.us, I’d describe that dress as looking like a redolent field of lavender flowers harmoniously pirouetting through the pellucid air as the spry wind titillates their petals. Actually, I think I’ve written that same sentence when talking about Shauna Sand’s twat.
Because she’s the fashion icon of our time, the future mommy blogger of your nightmares (and my dreams because think of the gold foolery she’s going to deliver) was asked by People what her “pregnancy style” is going to be. Blake is just going to take ten yards of Spandex, cut a hole for her head in it, throw it over her body and call it a day. Ten yards of Spandex is the only thing that will fit her fatty fatty fat fat fucking fatty fat fat body. If Blake keeps getting so big, she’ll have to turn Preserve.us into a blog about jam.
“Have you seen me?!” the expectant actress joked to PEOPLE of her growing baby belly.
“I’m gonna amp up my style by wearing things that are stretchier,” the one-time Gossip Girl star, who wore an oleander and lilac embroidered stretch tulle gown from the Michael Kors Resort 2015 collection, told PEOPLE. “Because that’s all that fits!”
I am seeing you, Blake, and your belly looks the way my bloated gut would if I went on a 10-day laxative fast, did crunches 3 hours a day and spent a few hours sitting in that I Love Lucy sauna. But you know, Blake truly is a fashion icon who gives great fashion advice. I was just about to write Hanes and beg them to please make empire waist t-shirts for men, but now I know that covering my gut with stretchy stuff is the way to go. I can totally wear that Spandex tank top in my drawer now.