Brad Pitt Doesn’t Have A Soul And It’s The Paparazzi’s Fault

October 16, 2014 / Posted by:

RIP that field of greens. Because 30 minutes after this picture was taken, those greens were nothing but ash in Brad Pitt’s bong.

Brad Pitt is on the cover of Details to whore out that movie whose title I always read as Furry (Side note: What the world really needs is a war movie starring Furries) and he gets deep. Well, as deep as Brad Pitt can go. Brad takes a page out of Kristen Stewart’s Book of Deep Thoughts by saying that the soul-stealing paparazzi are stealing his bliss and he also farts at the mouth about how he’s not a shitty dad.

BP on churches and land and roads and I don’t fucking know. He’s obviously stoned into another dimension: “My greatest moments of solitude (my churches) are found in the land, on the road . . .”

BP on trees. Yup, stoned past the point of no return. I’m jealous: “I will always be most comfortable in the outdoors. I grew up in the Ozarks—something resembling Mark Twain country. The woods, rivers, bluffs, lakes, and caves have all left an indelible mark on me. And I’m quite reverential when it comes to a tree. On my forearm, I had tattooed ‘94.9m (311.4ft)’—the height of the largest sequoia.”

BP on how there’s a lot of stoned cameras out there, because they got high from siphoning his soul: “My soul was stolen by the camera so long ago, I don’t have to think about it anymore…. One definition of freedom is the ability to follow your bliss without being watched, recorded, scrutinized.”

BP on how he writes the names of all the characters he’s offered on pieces of paper, places them in a circle around his bong and then spins his bong. Wherever it lands, that’s the role he takes. (That’s what I got from this quote): “I choose a role solely by how it speaks to me. And I sit in a fortunate seat where I can pull the trigger on the more difficult films. I was once talked into a film for ‘career maintenance.’ I have not made that mistake since.”

BP on fatherhood: “I’ve discovered I don’t suck at being a dad.”

In junior high school I was a peer counselor, because I really wanted to pull my friends out of class so we could talk about whatever. Every now and again I’d get a “real case.” This one time I had to talk to an 8th grader because he kept ditching class. He was the human version of a crumpled paper bag full of spray paint fumes. He smelled like a mixture of armpit stank, cigarettes, Ivory soap and cat piss. He might’ve broken the record for the most times a human has spit out the word “dude” in a span of ten minutes and we mostly just liked about The Simpsons. This interview made that kid look like a sober scholar. When I read that interview, I pictured Matthew McConaughey saying those words while driving a Lincoln.

If you’ve ever wanted to see Brad Pitt and his pube-stache do the Kid ‘N Play with Jimmy Fallon, you have problems. But your wish was granted on The Tonight Show last night:

And here’s more of Brad in Details and pictures from last night’s DC premiere of Furry.

Pics: Details, Splash

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