While her ex-boyfriend is busy researching private islands in an attempt to get as far away from The Legion of Online Robsten Lunatics as humanly possible, Kristen Stewart might be spending her ennui-filled days and melancholy nights humping on her Equals co-star, Nicholas Hoult. Page Six says that The Perpetual Apathetic Shrug Machine and Jennifer Lawrence’s former partner in fucking were spotted “cozying up” at a Cinema Society party for her film Clouds of Sils Marie a few nights ago. I guess “cozying up” is the moody sullen teen version of “canoodling”? Ew, as IF Kristen would do something as mainstream as canoodling!
A source claims Kristen and Nicholas were “stuck together throughout the party“, which either means they’re humping or they literally got stuck together in a wacky 70s sitcom way. But since life is cruel and joyless, I’ll assume it means they’re humping or in the process of negotiating a hump.
Normally I have as many feelings for Kristen Stewart as Kristen Stewart has for everything (Meh, followed by Whatever), but I’m super psyched she might be hitting that. Get it, mopey girl! Nicholas Hoult is hot! He’s like a sexy grilled cheese sandwich (what? exactly). Let him turn that frown upside down! And yes, I’m talking about her down-there smile. I bet that when KStew stands over a mirror, she sees Grumpy Cat. But who knows? Post-Hoult, it’s probably smiling like a pageant queen. Or at least not frowning anymore. I don’t know if Kristen can technically smile without pulling a muscle, and that’s a muscle you don’t want to put out of commission if you’re banging a hot piece like Nicholas Hoult.
Speaking of smiling, here’s KStew attempting to smile for the cameras (“I will give you indifferent grimace, and that is all“) at the NY Film Festival premiere of Clouds with Juliette Binoche: