According to Page Six, Super Bowl XLIX will be your ~so edgy~ 13-year-old cousin’s dream come true (“Whatever I don’t care football sucks“) because human Sour Punch Straw Katy Perry will be performing during the halftime show. It sounds like Katy will be the only performer, but who knows? Maybe she’ll bring her friends Bonnie, Rochelle, and Sarah on stage with her to play light as a feather stiff as a board in between “Roar” and “Teenage Dream”.
Originally it was rumored that the halftime show would be either Katy, Coldplay, or Rihanna. Obviously Princess Ooh-Na-Na was out the second she responded to CBS pulling her song from an NFL broadcast last month (THE AUDACITY!) by hissing “Fuck you!” to CBS on Twitter. And who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to have Coldplay, aka the Sleepytime® tea of music, perform at the Super Bowl? Does Bedtime Bear work for the NFL now? So Katy ended up being the best choice. You know, since Prince was clearly busy.
For those of you reading this news of Katy Perry landing the halftime show at Super Bowl
ALEX XLIX and thinking “Oh, so you mean Jane Lane’s Forever 21 cousin managed to cut the NFL a large enough check?“, Katy would like you to know that, um, no, Katy Perry don’t play that pay-for-play bullshit. Taylor Swift’s Regina George told ESPN’s College GameDay on Saturday that she’s “not the kind of girl to pay to play the Super Bowl.” Uh huh. SHOW ME THE SUPER BOWL RECEIPTS, KATY!
It goes without saying that in this post-Nipplegate world we live in, nothing too messy can happen, but that doesn’t mean Katy can’t bring a little DayGlo Tumblr teen fuckery to the halftime show. First off, I want to see Katy dance with either that twerking ice cream cone from the “This Is How We Do” video or a giant corn dog. Second, I want to see Katy try to catch a football on stage. That would literally be the best thing in the world. Make it happen, Katy!