Living toilet brush Shia LaBeouf appeared on Ellen today to promote Fury (aka the movie where he spent 2 hours learning his lines and 2,038,365 hours being a crazy face-slashing toof-pulling MESS), and Ellen DeGeneres was like, Bla bla bla that’s cool, whatever, tell us about that time you lost your damn douchey mind. Cut to a not-the-one Brad Pitt standing in wings mouthing the words “Bitch, you better make this shit sound believable, cause we’ve got a movie to sell.”
Shia explained that the reason he turned into a pretentious dirty hipster faux-hobo performance artiste is because he was going through an existential crisis. Shi Shi blames a lot of his “hiccups” (re: shitty decisions) on his existential crisis, including, but not limited to: that time he wore a paper bag on his head during the Nymphomaniac premiere, that time he set up a table in an art gallery and let people read mean Tweets to him, and that time he decided those hideous maroon corduroy leggings were a good look (he didn’t admit that, but maybe his heart’s just not ready to). Finally, when Ellen asked him what put on a curly black wig, slapped him across the face, and shouted “Snap out of it!“, Shia answered:
“Uh, jail. 100%. Jail is quite scary.“
Shia admitted that being held for 24 hours in a Hannibal Lecter mask in jail was enough to scare him straight, and he decided to leave all the nonsense behind and focus on being “as good as I can be“. So, basically, look out, the rest of Shia’s teeth, you’re next. But I will say this: Shia no longer looks like if someone gave him a hug they’d get head lice, so that’s good.
Shia also says he got through The Year of Crazy Shia by getting phone calls from the love of his life, his mother Shayna Saide, telling him to “stop fucking around.” Shia also referred to his mother as “my girl” and air smooched into the camera. Ew, I guess the old Shia really is back?