Why did I immediately get the feeling this post should have a “You in danger girl” tag? According to Us Weekly, a source close to Gwyneth Paltrow (the $1250 hand-carved imported acacia wood stick that’s permanently stuck up her ass) says that she’s ready to meet Chris Martin’s new squeeze, America’s favorite fart-sniffin’ cool girl Jennifer Lawrence, and wants to spend some time getting to know her. Keep your basic friends close and your enemies closer! I’m sure that’s stitched in 24k gold thread on a Mulberry silk pillow somewhere in Castle Goopskull.
“She’d like to spend a little time with her and thinks they’d probably get along.” The source adds that the Shakespeare in Love actress is “fine” with her ex’s romance with Lawrence but would like him to wait a bit before introducing her to their kids, daughter Apple and son Moses. “Gwyneth wants to be sure about her,” the source says.
Oh Gwyneth, you crafty come-to-life corn broom you. I can see what she’s trying to do here. She wants to get the scoop on JLaw without coming across like Chris’s crazy ex-wife (tooooo laaate), so she’ll casually try to invite herself over to JLaw’s house for a little GOOP-y girl’s night. Then after about an hour of sipping chilled organic tiger tear gin and tonics and talking about GOOP-y girl stuff (“OMG Jenny, don’t you totally hate it when you get a blow out and the stylist forgets to apply crushed grey pearl serum??”), Gwyneth will excuse herself and go rummaging through JLaw’s bathroom for cool girl dirt. “Ew, what is this? A toothbrush? You mean she doesn’t have an in-house dentist who cleans her teeth every morning? And she still uses towels? Gawd, it’s 2014 – I thought everyone had made the transition to a $29,000 personal moisture removal machine by now.”
And totally off topic, but what is it with all of Gwyneth’s exes moving on to girls name Jennifer? Chris Martin, Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck (twice!) – something in the cashmere-filtered lemongrass water ain’t clean!
Here’s more of I’m-not-a-regular-ex-wife-I’m-a-cool-ex-wife Gwyneth Paltrow serving up some sexy corn husk doll realness at an Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences lunch yesterday.