When Eva Mendes popped out the kid she made with hunky Canadian goose Ryan Gosling, I waited in anticipation for what they would name it. Ryan has the hand-carved artisanal heart of a cabin-dwelling hipster and I was fully expecting something like Dusty Window or Moonshine Mason-Jar or Fable Braid. Unfortunately, it sounds like Ryan took a shirtless hottie nap while Eva named the baby, because their baby’s name sounds nothing like something you’d hear shouted at an organic farmer’s market in Park Slope (“Finnegan Shadows, please stop touching the free-range kale.”)
According to a birth certificate obtained by TMZ, Ryan and Eva named their baby Esmeralda Amada. Eva played a character named Amada in We Own The Night, but that’s literally the only explanation for that name. Eva and Ryan are all about the Shhhh, so who knows if they chose family names or are just big fans of Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Regardless I love it because:
1. Amada sounds like Ramada, which as we all know is the classiest of budget hotels (actually, Ramada would be a totally hot name)
2. Esmeralda can easily turn into Mesmerize for when she goes through that inevitable sassy middle schooler phase
3. Esmeralda Mendes-Gosling sounds like the owner of a very successful high-end modeling agency from an 80s daytime soap opera set in New Mexico (Hot Sun, Hot Bodies)
But as much as I like the name Esmeralda Amada, I really wish they’d gone with something like Esmeralda Grace or Esmeralda Guadalupe, because it would have given me eternal life if Ryan Gosling’s baby’s initials had been EGG.