Demi Moore Met Ashton Kutcher’s Baby At A Kabbalah Blessing, Didn’t Suck The Kid’s Soul Out With Her Eyes (Yet)
Oh, to be a fly on Rumer Willis’ chin when Demi Moore pretended to play happy with her cheating ass tampon of a husband and his perfect little family while fighting the urge to stick the spigot from her wine purse into her mouth hole and guzzle until the feelings were no longer.
I guess Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher decided to share joint custody of Kabbalah, because they’re both still Kabbalists and they recently reunited for Wyatt Isabelle Kutcher’s blessing at a temple in L.A. The second most reputable and trustworthy literary journal in Britain, The Sun (via thee most reputable and trustworthy literary journal in Britain, The Daily Mail), says that Demi and two of the Tater Sisters, Rumer and Tallulah, showed up with gifts (a really practical cashmere baby blanket and an engraved picture frame) for Baby WIK (which sounds like food stamps for Kardashians). Since Baby WIK is the new Kabbalah chosen one, it was probably a lot like when the Three Kings brought gifts to the baby Jesus. But instead of being Three Kings, Demi, Rumer and Tallulah are Three Messes who are about as wise as the bottle of gin Demi finished off in the parking lot. It was probably really awkward for Mila when her baby started getting thirsty while staring at the Three Messes with their free nipples hanging out.
The Sun’s “source” says that Demi cooed over Ashton and Mila’s baby and surprisingly enough, she didn’t try to stab Ashton.
“Demi and her daughters congratulated the couple while having a quick hold and coo over the baby. It was great to see her doing so well and at ease with Ashton’s new life as a father and fiancé.”
I usually never question the integrity of The Sun, but that’s not how it went down. During the blessing, Demi and her tater tot cronies busted through the doors and sashayed down the aisle toward the new Kabbalah Princess. As Demi gently stroked Wyatt’s cheek, fear filled Ashton as he screamed, “Please don’t siphon the youth out of this one, Demi! I beg of you!” Demi cackled, promised not to turn Wyatt into the cream of virgins she smears on her face and cackled some more before casting a spell on the kid. Demi announced that on Wyatt’s 16th birthday, she will watch The Scarlet Letter and the sheer awfulness of it will put her into a coma that she’ll stay in unless Ashton makes a good movie (she’s screwed). Demi will keep an eye on Wyatt, the two will become friends, the spell will be broken when Ashton wins an Oscar (this is a fairytale, ok?) and they’ll stay friends until Wyatt gets older and Demi betrays her by fucking her boyfriend. We’ve all seen this movie before.
Here’s Mooreleficent at the 5th Annual PSLA Autumn Party Benefiting Children’s Institute Inc. in Culver City, CA last night.