In a fart-filled basement somewhere, a human neckbeard with eyes took a moment from fapping to Jennifer Lawrence’s naked pictures with help from popcorn oil to scream at his screen, “I’m your dream man, Jennifer Lawrence. I am him!”
Jennifer Lawrence took her never-ending “I’m The Rill-est” campaign to Vanity Fair and told them that what really makes her heart flutter is the wind coming out of her boyfriend’s asshole. JLaw is a rill kind of rill girl and she wants a boyfriend who will watch Real Housewives with her, doesn’t like to fight, will fill his eating hole with delicious preservatives and is open enough to cover her body with her perfume of choice: farts. If it wasn’t for the tiny fact that she has a poon instead of a peen, we’d be soulmates.
The butt burp aficionado who will one day start a fart appreciation blog called POOP farted out all the things she looks for in a boyfriend:
A dude who is a reality TV whore: “I would just rather have somebody that has the same taste in reality TV. I love Intervention, New York Housewives—and Beverly Hills, New Jersey, and Atlanta Housewives. I mean, I love them all, but Miami—oh, my God! Miami is really special.”
A dude whose idea of putting “romance in the air” is lifting his leg before letting go of some Mexican dinner fumes: She tells [Vanity Fair’s Sam Kashner] that she wants a partner who, “you know, isn’t afraid to fart in front of me [rather] than to have big, passionate love. I’d rather have just a peaceful time. [Those relationships] are deeper because you can be your true self with somebody, and somebody can be their true self with you.”
A dude who is not a gluten-free vegan: As Kashner writes, “Jennifer is the anti-vegan, anti-gluten-free consumer, having just eaten a breakfast of spaghetti and meatballs before the interview.” Although she can overlook the vegan preferences of her friend and Hunger Games co-star Woody Harrelson, she seems to be suspicious of similar health-food trends, describing gluten-free as “the new cool eating disorder, the ‘basically I just don’t eat carbs.’”
A dude who is a lover (of TV) and not a fighter: “I don’t like fighting, and I find argumentative people the most annoying people on the planet. Like, why do you still want to be fighting? It’s just unattractive. We should both just move on and watch TV. Basically, what I’m saying is all I need in a relationship is somebody to watch TV with me.”
I’m just waiting for Jennifer Lawrence to prove that she’s all the way down to earth by saying that she also wants a boyfriend who shits with the door open while eating a burrito, turns the tub into a jacuzzi by farting and wakes her up in the morning by sticking a cup ‘o fart over her nose. She basically wants to get married to the dude version of Lena Dunham.
Some think that this is JLaw’s way of letting everyone know that she’s the anti-GOOP and if that’s what she’s trying to do, she obviously doesn’t know Goopy Paltrow very well. Goopy is just like JLaw. She appreciates a good man fart. I mean, Goopy made Chris Martin go on a locally grown swiss chard and chickpea water cleanse for weeks on end, so she expected him to get the farts. She’s not a complete monster. But every time Chris got the farts, she made him shove a lemon verbena-scented ionizer up his b-hole so that every time he let one go she’d fondly remember the summer she spent being an apprentice to a lemon farmer in Italy. That’s the only difference.