Thanks to some of you and details articles giving me exact instructions, I knew exactly when the true star of Gone Girl (next to the indifferent ginger cat) would make an appearance and a few minutes before it did, I Gorilla Glue’d my eyelids to my eyebrows, pulled out a pair of high-powered binoculars and went bird watching. I thought that I spotted a note that read, “You’re welcome. Love, Jennifer Garner,” tattooed onto the side of Ben’s peen trunk and now I know I really did see that note. While on Ellen to whore out her new movie Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, she told Ellen DeGeneres that she is a charitable soul who wanted to give the world the gift of her husband’s dick. Jennifer Garner really IS the nicest woman in Hollywood. What other Hollywood wife would say, “um, you’re welcome,” to the side trick who calls her to brag about how they had her husband’s dick? At around the 0:56 mark in the video below, Jennifer sends all of us a Mylar balloon with the words “You’re welcum, whores” scribbled on it:
If you’re too lazy to hit the play button and move your mouse to the 0:56 mark, here’s what she said in text form:
JG: What I have to say is: You’re welcome. I try to consider myself a charitable person and I wanted to give back. You give me so much. I wanted to give something back to all of you.
ED: Forgive me if I don’t know this, is this the first time he’s been frontal nude in a film?
JG: Outside of our very racy films? Um, yes.
ED: Was he nervous about it? Were you nervous about it? Did you talk about it?
JG: It was a discussion. It was like, “Hey at work today Fincher talked me into coming out of the shower.” I was like, “Oh cool. I hope he had on a wide lens.“
I’m not one to look a gift colt in the mouth – I know the saying is “gift horse” but I can’t really say that here. I mean, it could grow into a gift horse. Anyway, I’m not one to look a gift colt in the mouth, but Jennifer Garner’s “gift” was a half order and some of us were expecting a full order. What I mean by that is that (PEEN SPOILER ALERT) Ben gives us a quick side profile of his soft Affdick and what are we supposed to do with a side profile? Sketch it and then have that drawing turned into a cameo necklace? Actually, that’s not a bad idea.