That interview with Oprah where child star turned trained Segway pilot Raven-Symoné yanks out Lindsay Lohan’s weave aired last night and not only did she yank out Lindsay Lohan’s weave, but she also yanked out all of the “labels” that have been put on her.
When DOMA was overturned last year, Raven tweeted “I can finally get married! Yay government!” and most of us took that to mean she was publicly coming out as a proud 100% gayelle, but on Oprah: Where Are They Now (via Gawker) last night, she told The Mighty O that if she had a label stitched to the top of her back it would not say 100% Lesbian and 100% African-American. Raven, whose girlfriend is AzMarie from America’s Next Top Model, refuses to label herself as gay or an African-American. Raven is an American human, thankyouverymuch!
I was fully expecting Raven to spit out some community college poetry major shit by saying, “I am not a lesbian. I am not African-American. I am not a woman. I am not a human. I. AM. RAVEN,” but instead she tripped over her thoughts and took us to Contradiction City (population: American human Raven-Symone):
“I don’t want to be labeled gay. I want to be labeled a human who loves humans. I’m tired of being labeled. I’m an American, I’m not an African American. I’m an American.”
At that point, I thought Oprah was going to hold her legs together and excuse herself before wobbling out into the hallway so she could freely squirt everywhere while thinking about all the attention this interview was going to get. But instead, The Mighty O gave Raven a chance to phone a friend and fix that statement, but the human form of the It’s A Small World ride kept on, kept on.
“I will say this. I don’t know where my roots go to. I don’t know how far back they go…and I don’t know what country in Africa I’m from. But I do know my roots are in Louisiana. I’m an American and that’s a colorless person, ’cause we’re all people. I have lots of things running through my veins. I don’t label myself. What I really mean by that is. I am an American. That’s what I mean. I have darker skin. I have a nice, interesting grade of hair. I connect with Caucasian, I connect with Asian, I connect with black, I connect with Indian. I connect with each culture.”
And then, the non-racial butterfly known as Raven caught on fire after Oprah burned her with a holy glare.
I sort of kind of see what Raven is trying to say, but she has a messy, messy way of putting it. We all have the right to define ourselves however the hell we want to be defined. I mean, I define myself as a Bi-racial American Gay Slut (BAGS for short), so if Raven wants to define herself as an American human who loves humans and sees a post-racial utopian world in front of her, then I guess that’s so Raven. But there’s one little problem with that. Raven’s hair is telling me something different. Her hair is telling me that she really, really wants to be labeled as a My Little Pony.