Blake Lively’s Got An Artisanal Fetus Growing In Her Womb

October 6, 2014 / Posted by:

Blake NotSoLively’s transformation into the Anthropologie Goopy Paltrow is almost complete. Soon, Preserve.us (Yes, it is still a thing that exists) will reach GOOP levels of insufferable when Blake, the future expert on all things motherhood, dribbles out articles about how to make diapers out of vintage doll clothes and how the perfect teething gel can easily be made at home using fresh Valerian root, syrup from a weeping willow, crushed bee wing powder and a drop of love. Ryan Reynolds knocked up Blake NotSoLively and she announced it on her site today by throwing up that picture taken by her brother Eric Lively (aka Carey from So Weird) and a pretentious pile of words written by someone in Team Preserve. If you’re hungover like me, keep your eyes off of that statement unless you really want to spend a piece of your day wiping barf off of your keyboard.

Preserve at its core is about family.

Family is the single word our founder, Blake built this home on. We have something for men, for women, for the old, but we realized, we don’t have anything for the new. With family on our mind, we looked to the origin of it all—to the women in our lives who are right there, at that special moment; at the creation of family.

Today we celebrate them. With food to fill their tummies (as if that needs more filling), presents to soothe their tired (and swollen) soles, toys to warm their baby’s souls, projects to provoke them, and decorations to inspire creativity and merriment in all. We had too much fun with this. Because there’s so much to share, we break up our first ever Preserve Celebration into multiple parts. In the upcoming days we will bring even more treats and fun. The entire next month will be sprinkled with highlights for women in this exciting chapter of their lives.

Congratulations to all the expecting mothers out there.

And thank you for being a part of our Preserve family.

And so it begins….

I, for one, am into this news, because I can’t wait to see whose original nose their baby inherits and you know that kid’s name is going to be a twee disaster. I’m going with Aloisius Thistle Reynolds if it’s a boy and Lana Sitra (“artisanal” backwards) Reynolds if it’s a girl.

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