Amanda Bynes Tells In Touch That She’s Getting Married

October 6, 2014 / Posted by:

Please take this with several grains of salt sprinkled on a She’s The Man DVD, because I’m still not entirely convinced this is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me weave. In Touch says that on Sunday, Amanda Bynes told an In Touch reporter that she’s engaged to her boyfriend Caleb. Caleb is 19-years-old, lives in Costa Mesa, California, doesn’t appear to have a last name, and works at a bait shop. Full disclosure: Bait Shop Caleb sounds hot. Amanda tells In Touch she’s excited to be engaged, because she’s sick of guys that she doesn’t want to fuck trying to talk to her:

“I am very needy for friendship and I hate men. I want to fuck them, but I can now say I’m engaged — get away from me. I want to be married and I want to be away from people.”

She also said she doesn’t want to design her wedding dress, but she’s so picky she’ll probably do it anyway. She should probably start soon – any wedding dress designed by Amanda Bynes will surely be a breathtaking work of bridal art, and art takes time. Amanda also admitted that she’s ready to settle down in New York, and that she has fetus fever:

“I want boys, for sure. However many I can pop out. I don’t want a gorgeous girl around. Then I [would] feel way jealous. Ew.”

I know what you’re thinking: Amanda is slowly wading into the deep end again. But – positive thought – at least she didn’t call her future babies ugly, right?

Sure, Amanda thinks that getting married to Bait Shop Caleb will be nothing but strawberry milkshakes and babies and cuddling by the fire and will solve all her problems, but someone should sit Amanda down with a couple of real married people to hear the truth. They can break the news to her that watching someone take a dump with the door open for the 1,825th time will make you find any excuse to hang out with people. “Sure I’ll drive you three hours to pick up a mattress from Craigslist! Hell, let’s make a whole day of it!

And I should be raising an eyebrow at Amanda, but I can’t, because my eyebrows are too busy silently shading that In Touch reporter. I wanna know how they got that interview. She was bribed with wigs and weed, wasn’t she? Woodward and Bernstein would NEVER!

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