Last night on Saturday Night Live, they aired a fake commercial for white people. I know what you’re thinking: MTV did it first, and it was called The Hills. But this was a fake commercial set to Train’s “Hey, Soul Sister” (which is possibly the whitest white people song ever) about how white people only have about 36 years left of being “on top”. That’s right white people, according to SNL, you only have 36 years left to go camping! And hiking! And camping! White people love camping, I guess? I honestly don’t know any white people who love camping. But I do know white people who love to get drunk on fire beers (beers you drink around a fire) and pass out in a pile of leaves. So I guess that’s a form of camping? I think that counts.
But they forgot two major things that will vanish when white people become the minority in 2050: mayonnaise and pumpkin spice lattes! White people LOVE mayo and PSL’s, and really, can you blame them? Both are delicious. But without people buying PSL’s and Costco-sized tubs of mayo, Starbucks and Hellmann’s will go bankrupt! Oh my god, and what about Whole Foods??? They’ll surely take the biggest hit in 2050. Pray 4 Whole Foods. Pray 4 kombucha. PRAY FOR UGG BOOTS! Actually…don’t pray for Ugg boots. Ugg boots don’t deserve your prayers.
Here’s the fake commercial that surely made Gwyneth Paltrow weep $900 tears last night (“Only 36 years??? But I have so many more useless luxury items to peddle to rich white ladies on GOOP before then!“):