The sentencing hearing for Juicy Joe and Teresa Giudice from The Real Housewives of New Jersey started at around 7am PST on Thursday, October 2, 2014 and if you’re a mess like me, you’ve been following it ever since. I don’t even know what day it is anymore. The judge dragged it out like she was getting paid by the hour. I’m pretty sure Juicy Joe and Teresa served their sentence in that court room, because three years have gone by. Happy Birthday x 3 to us all!
Well, the Space Farm Zoo in Sussex better free up some cages, because here comes Juicy Joe and Teresa. Juicy Joe will soon shove his juicy man tits into an orange jumpsuit, because a judge in Newark, NJ sentenced him to 41 months in the clink and 2 years probation for pleading guilty to wire and bankruptcy fraud. The judge also ordered him to pay $414,588.90 in restitution and Juicy Joe has to complete a booze treatment program while in the chokey. Teresa Giudice got 15 months in prison. One of them has 30 to 40 days to turn themselves in. The judge will allow them to serve staggered sentences so one of them can be at home with their 4 daughters.
U.S. District Court Judge Esther Salas must be feeling like a Care Bear just breathed a warm rainbow into her, because NJ.com says she got the honor of verbally slapping those grifters before sentencing them. Judge Esther yelled at them both for lying and hiding their assets from the government. Teresa Giudice better start selling that Fabellini near freeway off-ramps, because on top of the fines, they will also have to pay back the $13 million they owe to creditors. They tried to file for bankruptcy, but because they committed fraud, a judge denied their request a few days ago.
Judge Esther said that Teresa and Juicy Joe don’t deserve “leniency,” because during the past few months, they bought new cars, furniture and construction equipment and didn’t put all that stuff on financial forms. Judge Esther also threatened to charge them both with perjury. Before Judge Esther let Juicy Joe know that he’ll soon be lathering up his chichis with government soap in the prison shower room, Joe tried to get the judge to feel sorry for him by queefing up this fart bubble of Bitch Please:
“I stand here humiliated before the court and my family and society. I disgraced many people, including my wife and four daughters. I take full responsibility for my actions. I promise to be a better person.”
Once Juicy Joe rolls out of prison after finishing up his sentence, he’ll roll right into the hands of INS who may deport him back to
Skull Island Italy since he’s not a US Citizen.
Before Teresa was sentenced, she cried out crystal clear tears of pure fakeness as she read a letter her lawyer, I mean she, wrote last night:
“Thank you your honor for giving me the opportunity to speak to you. I wrote this last night. I get nervous when I speak, so I’m going to add things to this. Today, you will hear from the wife and mother that I am and the daughter that I am. I’m not going to deny that I’m really scared. I’m blessed, but today I’m humbled. I fully take responsibility for my actions. I need to learn to do things for myself. It’s time for me to wake up. My daughters are my life. They’re what keep me going. I’ve done so much crying. I don’t care about the TV show or materialistic things. We lost my father-in-law and that was the first grandparent we lost. I feel bad my 13-year-old knows anything.
I’m more sorry than anyone will ever know. I will make this right no matter what it takes. Now I have even more to give. I will take this experience and continue to do the right thing. I know in my heart everything happens for a reason and I’ve found my reason.”
Inside sources tell Dlisted (aka the voices in my head) that after Teresa was sentenced to 15 months, she screamed “15 MONTHS!” before flipping the table and calling the judge a prosecution whore-ah. Then Teresa tearfully begged the judge to send her to a prison with a laser hair removal center in it, because if she doesn’t laser off the fur on her onehead every other day, her hairline and eyebrows are going to become one. Think of her onehead, judge!