The teaser trailer for Tori Spelling’s latest Lifetime paycheck was released yesterday, and it looks like second season of True Tori will be just as shameless and dramatic as the last. For all six of you who watched the first season, it centered around Tori coming to grips with the fact that her useless beady-eyed sex possum of a husband The Deaner cheated on her half-melted margarine-looking ass while filming a reality show in Canada (as one does). And by the looks of this promo for True Tori 2: Still Thirsty, Admiral Ackbar’s long-lost twin sister is pulling out all the stunt queen stops. Tori cries! Tori looks at a picture of the home-wrecking hoser hussy who came between her and The Deaner! Tori cries some more! And then just when you think it couldn’t get any worse, Tori drops True Tori 2’s biggest totally-not-scripted bombshell: SHE MIGHT BE PREGNANT!
SPOILER ALERT: She’s definitely 100% not pregnant, because she would have already sold the piss-soaked pregnancy test and the first ultrasound pic to UsWeekly for $100 if she was. So Tori is “maybe” pregnant in the same way I’m “maybe” going to eat a kale salad for lunch instead of two frozen Pop Tarts.
But what the hell does The Deaner think of all this? What if Tori is telling the truth (she isn’t, but go on) and she really is knocked up with The Deaner’s 5th spermlet? Well what do you know, it appears I was able to obtain a transcript from a message The Deaner left on Candy Spelling’s voice mail:
“Hey Candy, what’s crappenin’ mama? It’s your dirtbag favorite son-in-law, The Deaner. Got some great news! One night a couple weeks ago, The Deaner had one too many Kokanees and accidentally booty called your daughter. One thing lead to another, and it looks like The Deaner gave Tori’s ovaries the ol’ maple glazed special. I might have five mouths to feed soon! Yikes, right? So I guess I’m callin’ cause kids are super ‘spensive these days and I need to borrow some moolah. Like, at least enough for a couple cases of beer. Daddy gots to stay hydrated!”
And if The Deaner really did successfully bust another beady-eyed unemployed nut, can animal control PLEASE set some traps outside Hooters and get the Canadian K-Fed neutered already?