“Hmmm, I thought Ben sounded weird when he called me that one time to tell me to stop texting him those kind of pictures because they’ll never compare to pictures of his perfect family and gorgeous wife whom he wants to remain true to forever and ever” is probably what Blake NotSoLively thought to herself after listening to Jennifer Garner’s impersonation of Ben Affleck.
You now know Jennifer Garner’s answer to the question, “What’s in YOUR wallet?” The answer is: LICE! Capital One’s current main ho, Jennifer Garner, was on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon last night to promote her new movie Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day and she spit out the reason why she thinks she and Ben weren’t invited to George Clooney’s wedding. Jennifer says that a while ago, her entire family was terrorized by lice. Her kids got attacked, she got attacked and Ben got attacked. While telling the story, Jennifer busted out a pretty accurate (read: not that accurate, but hilarious) impersonation of Ben. Jennifer Garner’s impersonation of Ben sounds more like a whiny Boston frat boy with a speech impediment on Novocaine. (Actually, Ben does sound like a whiny Boston frat boy with a speech impediment on Novocaine, so I guess she’s spot-on.)
Jennifer says that after they got lice, the “Lice Lady” came over and combed some sulfur and rosemary-smelling Crisco crap into their hair and that went on for a month. One night, Ben begged her to go to some party with him right after she had just finished putting that lice-killing shit in her hair. When Jennifer got to the party, the first trick she ran into was George Clooney and she says it was obvious he smelled the lice ointment in her hair. Jennifer and Ben were both “working” during George’s wedding, but she thinks George didn’t want them there because of LICE! Here’s Jennifer busting out her Affleck impression while telling the story:
The HELL is the “Lice Lady“? Is that a rich person thing, because I’ve never heard of that. When we got lice as kids, the “Lice Lady” was my mom who drove herself to Thrifty drugstore, or wherever, bought RID and then smeared that stuff all over our nasty heads. My auntie should’ve been a professional Lice Lady, though, because she was no joke. When I was a kid, her sons seemed to get lice a lot (from playing in fields or from hanging around me too much) and every time they did, she immediately shaved their heads, smeared some homemade remedy on their skulls and splashed holy water at them while holding a rosary. She destroyed those lice bitches real quick.
Jennifer says that they only had lice once and I believe her. Because right after that infestation, she had the CDC build a booth on her driveway to make sure Ben gets flea, lice and crab dipped before he comes inside the house.
Here’s Jennifer at a screening of her movie in NYC last night.