UPDATE: Now TMZ is saying that the LAPD talked to Charlie’s dentist and the dentist’s story is totally different from his technician’s story. Charges probably won’t be pressed. Charlie’s rep says that he wasn’t high on “rock cocaine,” but he did have a freak out in the chair. Charlie’s on pain meds for a shoulder injury and his meds mixed with nitrous made his body flail around. He knocked a tray over but didn’t slap anyone. Charlie’s rep says the technician is getting revenge on him because she was fired on Friday for violating HIPPA laws by telling her son that Charlie was in the office. That info somehow got back to Charlie and the dentist fired her. This story still doesn’t make sense, but it’s Charlie Sheen we’re talking about. It might seem a little excessive that she was fired for telling a family member that Charlie Sheen was in the office, but maybe it wasn’t, because her son could’ve definitely sold that info since Charlie Sheen going to an actual dentist to have his nasty teeth worked on IS breaking news. Now here’s the original story:
I know, I’m surprised the dentist didn’t pull a knife on him first. If Charlie Sheen opened his crusty mouth hole in front of you, you’d reach for something sharp, because his breath probably smells like the inside of a hobo’s ass and you never know what kind of mutated gingivitis creature is going to jump out at you.
TMZ says that the LAPD is investigating a situation that went down at Charlie Sheen’s dentist’s office last Thursday. Just like most of us, Charlie “allegedly” did rock cocaine before going to the dentist (HA at me typing “allegedly“), because a visit with the dentist is way more tolerable when you’re cracked out. Charlie was at the dentist to get an abscess removed. Charlie IS an abscess but that’s besides the point. The dental technician told police that while administering him with nitrous oxide, he went crazy and slapped her. The technician left the room as Charlie’s bodyguards went in. Charlie’s dentist and oral surgeon were in the room with his bodyguard. She heard a bunch of chaos before the dentist came out of the room and told her that the formerly winning, tiger-blooded warlock pulled a knife on his ass and went after him. Maybe in his coke rock and nitrous-induced haze, Charlie thought his dentist was Brooke Mueller? If you’re thinking that the fighting skills of a cracked out warlock on nitrous oxide can’t be that great, you’re right. The dentist wasn’t hurt.
The technician also claims that Charlie’s bodyguard told her that he was high on rock cocaine. I don’t know why the bodyguard told her that, because doesn’t “Charlie Sheen is coked up” fall under the “Shit You Always Assume” category?
TMZ says that the LAPD wants to interview Charlie and his dentist before passing the case over to the D.A. The D.A. could hit Charlie with battery and felony assault charges. Of course, Charlie’s lawyer Marty Singer tells TMZ that the entire story is made of lies and someone other than Charlie and his bodyguard is lying. The bodyguard never told the technician that Charlie had rock cocaine running through his veins.
“No bodyguard made the absurd statement to the dentist. Charlie had a bad reaction to the noxious gas put in his mouth and nose.”
Messy Charlie has been extra EXTRA messy recently. Producers recently had to press the pause button on production of his show Arrested Development after he busted his nose from diving into the wrong of the pool. That right there is a metaphor for his life.
It’s times like this when I wish that Dr. Orin from Little Shop of Horrors was a real dentist and was Charlie Sheen’s dentist, because this story would’ve had a totally different ending. But really, Charlie Sheen isn’t shit. Who slaps the person giving them nitrous oxide? When someone gives you nitrous oxide, you hug them with your eyes before making a mental note to kiss their hand later for taking you up, up and away to a cloud wonderland. Only Charlie…