It felt like Mila Kunis was doing it Jessica Simpson style and was entering her 9th trimester, because it feels like I spent a piece of my 2013 and all of my 2014 looking at pictures of her carrying around a huge bundle of baby while looking absolutely miserable. I figured that her baby was stalling, because kid wasn’t ready to fully deal with the fact that their biological father wears outfits like that on a day that isn’t October 31st. But yesterday, baby said “fuck it” and came out.
TMZ says that early yesterday morning, Mila and Ashton Kutcher checked into Cedars-Sinai in L.A. Mila gave birth to a girl sometime yesterday Even though it felt like we were days away from seeing a 2-year-old’s leg hanging out of Mila’s cooch, TMZ says she delivered right on schedule. TMZ didn’t tell us anymore details like what their daughter’s name is (I’m going with Jacqueline Kelso Kunis Kutcher, JKKK for short), how much does their baby weigh (because this is REALLY important) and how many nurses did Ashton eye fuck.
Meanwhile, as Ashton’s brand new baby barfed on him for the first time as he rocked her to sleep, Demi Moore was in Costa Rica somewhere wiping vomit off of her dress after her barely legal boy toy drunkenly yacked on her while she gave him a lap dance to a Pitbull song at a club. United in baby barf. And I really hope Mila teaches her daughter Russian. Because if she does, that kid will sound really badass when she curses her daddy out in Russian after catching him sucking the nanny’s face in the laundry room.