Archives: October 2014

Night Crumbs

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

A knocked up Duchess Kate made an appearance at the Wildlife Photographer of The Year 2014 Awards in London tonight. It’s her second public appearance of the day and she just got done having the extreme barfs. DK better slow down with these double shifts before she overdoes it and sprains her hand waving and smiling muscles  Lainey Gossip

If Moe Howard dragged it up to play the title role in a stage production of Mildred Pierce on the planet Vulcan – Celebitchy

Rita Ora’s dress looks like a dingle that fell out of the b-hole of The Beatles’ cover for the Yellow SubmarineDrunken Stepfather

I’d shit myself to death out of shock if Pimp Mama Kris didn’t have her minions Photoshop her Instagram pics – Reality Tea

Hannibal Buress unswept all those Bill Cosby rape allegations from out under the rug – The Superficial

The Empress of Lucite makes her triumphant return to television in Botched and she was kind of enough to help out the producers by pretending to be flawed – Jezebel

Sofia Vergara always looks like the same (TITS and HAIR) so I appreciate her trying something new by giving herself Thundercat eyes - Hollywood Tuna

Will an NFL team please pick Michael Sam up for good so I can get more footage of him and his hot boyfriend celebrating by eating cake off of each other’s faces? – Towleroad

Sorry Linus, the Great Pumpkin isn’t showing up today, but it looks like the Great Fame Whore made an appearance instead – WWTDD

Wait, so Ariana Grande Latte isn’t a Satanist? – IDLYITW

Monica Lewinsky is BACK (again) and sadly she’s not back to host a second season of Mr. PersonalityICYDK

I hope Madame Tussauds has hired a full-time crew to chisel off the dried Cumberbitch cum from that Benedict Cumberbatch statue – Popsugar

Still pregnant: Rachel Bilson is – Popoholic

Daniele Watts, the actress from Django Unchained whose “racist cops” story kind of fell apart after it turned out she was boning her man in a car, has been charged with lewd conduct – HuffPo

It’s nice to know that Tindr is as messy as all the other dating apps out there – The Berry

Derek Hough, is that you girl? – SOW

The Texas T-Rex burped up his thoughts about the Redskins name change and I know you’ve been waiting for his thoughts about that – Gawker

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Teresa Giudice’s Crisis Manager Dropped Her Ass For Asking A Judge To Send Her To The “Orange Is The New Black” Prison

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

On January 5, 2015, Teresa Giudice of The Real Housewives of New Jersey begins serving the 15 months she got for taking part in the grifting schemes orchestrated by that shady chimp Juicy Joe and instead of trying to cooperate with the Bureau of Prisons, bitch is making accommodation requests.

Teresa’s Cha-Ka in bad drag looking ass hired legal crisis manager, Wendy Feldman, to help her deal with the orange diarrhea puddle that is her legal problems, but that relationship is now over. Wendy tells E! News that she erased Teresa’s name from her client list after that mess sent a letter to the judge begging to be sent to Danbury Federal Prison in Connecticut (where Orange is the New Black takes place). Wendy never approved the letter and wouldn’t ever let Teresa pull a move like that. Wendy spit this up to E!:

“I am not the consultant referred to in filing. This is clearly not the first time my advice has not been followed, but this is the time where the stakes are the highest. Both for my clients and myself, I work hard to maintain a strong relationship with the Bureau of Prisons. As I’ve tried to instruct Teresa, this is a process that must be respected. A designation to a camp is a gift, not a requirement from the BOP and the judge. By making this request, Teresa has jeopardized months of work, months of preparation and in fact may jeopardize where she is ultimately designated or sent to.

My ultimate responsibility is to all of my clients, not just to Teresa. I’m hopeful that, at some point, a change occurs and rehabilitation begins. My thought and wishes will always be with her children.”

That isn’t the only request Teresa made. What Teresa lacks in brain cells, she makes up for in gall, because TMZ says that her lawyer sent a letter to the judge claiming that some law states that she has the right to serve 12 months of her 15 month sentence in a halfway house instead of prison. Prosecutors shat on Teresa’s request and told the judge that convicted criminals don’t get to downgrade their punishment.

Teresa Giudice once said, “I don’t want to live in somebody else’s house. That’s gross,” so I’m surprised and disappointed in her that she didn’t ask the judge to build her a new prison, because she doesn’t want to live in somebody else’s prison. That’s gross. (Cut to the judge opening a letter from Teresa claiming that some law states that she has the right to serve her sentence in a new prison built for her because used prisons are gross.)

And Teresa probably wants to go to Danbury, because she thinks Orange is the New Black is a documentary and thinks they really shoot there. Teresa doesn’t want to be away from her only true love, the cameras, and ripping them apart would be the biggest punishment of all.

Sarah Jessica Parker Has Pissed Off The West Village By Covering Their Stoops In Shoes

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Because Sex and the City – the horny 4-headed cerberus from Hell named Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and whatever Rojo Caliente’s wife’s name was – will never ever die, Sarah Jessica Parker chose to stage a photo shoot for her shoe line, SJP, outside 66 Perry Street in New York City’s West Village, aka Carrie Bradshaw’s apartment. Unfortunately, the people who currently live there now are sick and tired of the never-ending armies of SATC-obsessed women mashing their half-eaten Magnolia cupcakes into their brownstone stoops while they take 1,385 selfies in front of the pretend home of Our Lady of Manolos. So they’ve installed a chain along the front of their stairs, as well as a sign instructing people to step the fuck off. Oh, owners of 66 Perry Street – you’re such a Charlotte!

However, Sarah Jessica Parker clearly doesn’t give a fuck about signs or chains (that, or she saw that the little man on the sign had no feet, and thought the “Do NOT go on the staircase please” rule only applied to footless amputee shadow people) because she decided to dump a fuckload of her high heels all over the stoop of 66 Perry and along the sidewalk. Then she took a bunch of pictures for Instagram, collected her shoes, and galloped off into the sunset.

And now Page Six says that the residents of Perry Street are fucking PISSED, because SJP violated their neighborhood with her blatant disregard of their sign. THE AUDACITY! A source claims the owners of 66 Perry have tried to contact SJP for an explanation of how she could endorse such a photo shoot, considering there is a very clear ‘no trespassing’ sign. So far, SJP hasn’t returned their calls. But Page Six says that the president of the Perry Street HOA, Gerald Banu, is aware of the situation, and understands why they’re so mad:

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Open Post: Hosted By Sister Cristina Scuccia’s Cover Of “Like A Virgin”

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

In case you forgot, Sister Cristina Scuccia is the singing nun who won Italy’s The Voice after she lifted everyone’s ears into the heavens with her angelic voice and made us all throw our hands up in the air while proclaiming, “Sister Act is real.” Sister Cristina won a contract with Universal and the first single off of her new album is a cover of Madonna’sLike A Virgin,” because the first line of the music industry bible reads: STUNTS SELL.

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Ryan Phillippe Has Only Made 5 Good Movies, Says Ryan Phillippe

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Ryan Phillippe, seen above in all his panty-dampening ramen-haired glory in 54 (which I presume is not one of the 5 good movies he’s talking about) recently spoke to the Los Angeles Times (via Us Weekly) about his new film Catch Hell, a movie he co-wrote, directed, and stars in as a washed-up actor named Reagan Pierce (oh boy) who gets kidnapped by a pair of rednecks one day on set. Ryan confessed that the character of Reagan was inspired by his own career, one that he admits has been pretty dookie-filled:

“I did this terrible movie with 50 Cent,” he told me, referring to the 2011 heist flick “Setup” — which as far as I can tell, was never even released theatrically. “It was just a situation I didn’t want to be in. I was sold a bill of goods and it turned out to be something different, which is often the case in this business. I’ve made 30-plus films over 20 years. And in my opinion, five of them are good.”

I’m sorry, but acting along side noted thespian 50 Cent is a PRIVILEGE! Ryan should be so lucky! Besides, getting paid a couple hundred thousand to show up and burp out some lines for a direct-to-DVD movie starring 50 Cent sounds like he’s living the dream. And I bet he still gets that sweet Laura Jean Poon AMERICAN CITIZEN child support money. Jealous!

Ryan never mentions what his 5 ‘good’ films are, but let’s hop over to his IMDB page and see if we can’t figure out what 5 movies he’s talking about. Clearly MacGruber is #1. White Squal is both #2 and #3. I’ve never seen Five Fingers, but it sounds hot, so that’s #4. And I’d say that 54 is #5, because anyone who could act opposite Mike Myers in low-budget drowsy-faced Steve Rubell drag without bursting out laughing truly deserves an Oscar.

And Here’s Amber Rose As A Zombie Peg Bundy And Carmen Electra As A Glam Chola

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

We’re still 10 days away from the streets filling up with tricks dressed up as a slutty Ebola strain (“You mean Paris Hilton, right?” – you), a slutty Hazmat worker, a slutty butt plug Christmas tree, a slutty Olaf from Frozen and a slutty Ice Bucket Challenger, but Amber Rose celebrated Halloween early last night by throwing herself a costume party for her 31st birthday in L.A.

Nick Cannon’s maybe piece and the future ex-wife of the stoned scarecrow Jack Skellington did herself up as Peg Bundy if Peg Bundy was in a crossover episode of The Walking Dead and Married With Children. Amber’s guests included Carmen Electra as a glamorous new money chola as seen through the eyes of Liberace, Blac Chyna as a stripper nun, someone as a pregnant Tupac, Karkoochie Tran as a doormat and The Difficult Brown as a dried, crusty menstrual prune.

Amber Rose as Zombie Peg Bundy IS the look and I only say that because for a good 3 seconds I seriously thought Spaz de la Huerta got a bad chemical face peel, dyed her hair brassy ginger and got Kim Kartrashian’s ass surgeon to implant 3 plastic hams in her ass. If anybody says to you, “You’re kind of giving me Spaz de la Huerta vibes,” you should immediately shellac yourself from head to toe. That look should be preserved forever.

And I fully expect The National Zombies Association to slap at Amber Rose for doing zombie face.

Pics: Splash

“Uh…You’re Staring At My Baby Bump, Right?”

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Sure thing boobies – errr, I mean, boobies – errr, I mean…aw fuck it, I’m too tit-notized to focus.

Blake Lively, the come-to-life antique mason jar filled with hand-squeezed lavender lemonade, and her hot husband Ryan Reynolds took a break from procuring the finest of organic hand-churned autumnal squash-flavored frozen sweet creams and small-batch hipster pickles to attend The Angel Ball in New York City on Monday night, and – BREAKING NEWS – I sort of love that Bland brought some pregnant Vegas showgirl class to the red carpet by showing up with her knocked-up booby balloons squeezing out of her dress. I’ve never been pregnant, but I have been so bloated from binge eating Bic Macs in an attempt to find the Boardwalk sticker in McDonald’s Monopoly (pray for me, I think my heart might be dead), so I kind of know what it’s like for your tits to grow two sizes overnight. You wanna show that shit off!

I even love that she wrapped her fetus suite in a tight stretchy pastel yellow fabric; she looks like a stretched-out Easter peep or a misshapen wedge of manchego cheese. Not to mention that she’s working a pretty tight no-dye pregnancy hair game. Although I’m sure we’ll find out later on Preserve.us that she’s found a way to dye it naturally using freshly-crushed fall leaves mixed with a paste made from bee-collected chamomile flower pollen and organic meyer lemon rinds.

Here’s more of Bland and Van Wilder staring longingly into each others eyes like a couple of horny come-to-life Precious Moments figurines in front of a million photographers at The Angel Ball last night. To quote Brian The Chotchkie’s Waiter from Office Space: “Get a room you two!

Pics: Wenn.com

Pour Out 40 Ounces Of Lemon Juice, Renee Zellweger’s Signature Squint Is Gone Forever

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

A year ago, many of us filed an identity theft claim with the FBI, the police, Obama, Detective La Toya and Morris Chestnut when somebody claiming to be Squinty Zellweger showed up to an Armani event looking nothing like Squinty Zellweger. Some of us stared at the open-eyed stranger in front of us and screamed, “PAPERS PLEASE!” I thought then that Renee’s pulled and tucked face would settle a lot and she’d go back to looking like she’s staring directly into the sun after swallowing a cup of Sour Patch Kids dust. But it’s been a year and I guess I have to permanently bury “Squinty Zellweger” next to “Fishsticks Paltrow” in the nickname cemetery, because Squinty Zellweger really is no more.

At Elle’s 21st Annual Women In Hollywood Awards last night, the photographers screamed, “Ms. Grey! Ms. Parker! Ms. Flockhart! Ms. Watts! Ms. Wright! Oh, whoever you are, over here, over here,” when Renee Zellweger worked the red carpet with her Sideshow Howard Stern-looking ass man Doyle Bramhall. These pictures have been spread all over the Internet today and nobody can really agree on who she looks like, but they all agree that she doesn’t look like Renee Zellweger. I’ve read that she looks like Jennifer Grey, a composite sketch of Robin Wright and Naomi Watts’ baby, a clay figurine of Juliette Lewis, etc… etc…

This Renee Zellweger doesn’t look bad, she just doesn’t look like Renee Zellweger. The 3-day-old danish I just ate looked more like Renee Zellweger and it wasn’t even lemon-filled. And that eyebrow situation. Hollywood’s former hardest-working beard deserves better than eyebrows that look like they’ve been through some shit.

We still shouldn’t cancel our identity theft claim, because I wouldn’t be surprised if Squinty Zellweger is tied up in a closet somewhere while this impostor is out here living her life. I bet Joey Lauren Adams is behind this. I never trusted that shifty bitch. Now that Renee Zellweger no longer looks like Renee Zellweger, the producers of Bridget Jones are probably going to ask Joey Lauren Adams to play Bridget in the next movie. Mission accomplished, JLA, mission accomplished.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Duchess Kate Went Back To Work

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

After spending the last several weeks hunched over one of the gem-encrusted golden toilets at Kensington Palace barfing her knocked-up guts out, Duchess Kate is finally well enough to slip on a pair of pantyhose and pull out the eyeliner and return to work. Praise be to the pregnancy gods! It’s been too long since Duchess Kate smiled and waved and wore a silly little hat and wore an outfit that sold out in 0.03 seconds! Curse you, hyperemesis gravidarum, you Harry Potter-sounding hurl-making killjoy!

The Daily Mail says that Kate’s first job back from sick leave was to pack up the royal fetus in a fancy Alexander McQueen coat and join Prince William at Buckingham Palace to install new drywall in the den and re-paint the powder room. No! It was to welcome the President of Singapore and his wife. They shook hands! They drank tea! Duchess Kate tried very hard to keep from using her tiny hat as a makeshift barf bag! Meanwhile, Prince Harry was also chilling out in Buckingham Palace with a case of the sicks too, but it was because one of the guards dared him to chug 6 Jägerbombs and play spinny bat with St. Edward’s Sceptre the night before.

After they met with the President of Singapore, Kate and Will then whistled for the valet to bring around their horse-drawn whip and they went home. Phew! What a day! Sounds exhausting. But really, all sarcasm aside, I’m sure it was exhausting. Have you ever tried to work with a case of the barfs? It’s fucking DIFFICULT! And I’ve heard that morning sickness is like a hangover dry humped food poisoning, so I bet Kate was working overtime to make sure she didn’t blow crumpet chunks on the President or his wife.

Here’s more of Kate and William working 9 to 5 (9:00am to 9:05am). Fun Fact! Kate is about 13 weeks pregnant, which means that judging by the size of her tummy bump, that puts my bloated cheeseburger locker at around 24 weeks. Congratulations to me!

Pics: Splash

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