Archives: October 2014

Birthday Sluts

October 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Katy Perry (30)
Rylan Clark (26)
Ciara (29)
Gillian Zinser (29)
Josh Henderson (33)
Mehcad Brooks (34)
Mariana Klaveno (35)
Bat for Lashes (35)
Craig Robinson (43)
Adam Goldberg (44)
Adam Pascal (44)
Chely Wright (44)
Mathieu Amalric (49)
Michael Boatman (50)
Tracy Nelson (51)
David Furnish (52)
Chad Smith (53)
Nancy Cartwright (57)
Helen Reddy (73)
Marion Ross (86)
Barbara Cook (87)

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Night Crumbs

October 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Possible ovaries exploding material: Jake Gyllenhaal got all fatherly while shooting scenes with a toddler for some movie. On a different note, is it just me or has his brows gotten bushier ever since he went the Matthew McConaughey route by losing a ton of weight for that Nightcrawler movie? That carousel horse needs to nibble down his brows a bit. Just a bit. – Lainey Gossip

Finally, some nice news: Hilary Swank does good things – Celebitchy

Err, the guy at the gas station who plumped up Naya Rivera’s lips with air went a little too far because bitch can’t close her mouth! - Drunken Stepfather

Heidi Montag is starting to look human again – Reality Tea

Ariana Grande Latte isn’t Venti-izing her chichis area – The Superficial

In “still working for those gay dollars” news, Nick Jonas plays a game of “Guess the Bulge?” – Towleroad

Carmen Electra’s dress looks like a losing game of Tetris and I would know because I played Tetris a lot and lost a lot – Hollywood Tuna

Danny DeVito shows up in a One Direction video and still manages to have better hair than all of those twinks – Time

Benadryl Cumberbund’s Beyonce strut looks like a T-Rex on coke trying to find a bathroom while having to piss really bad – HuffPo

A funny thing happened when Amanda Seyfried took her dog for a walk. She didn’t stop and mouth kiss him like she usually does – Popoholic

Okay, but I still want to hang that True Blood cast photo over my toilet – Pajiba

If you watch Gotham and have thought to yourself, “I wonder what The Riddler’s nalgas look like,” here’s your answer – OMG Blog

Homer is the greatest poet who has ever lived and no, I’m not talking about that Greek one – The Berry

Because we can’t close the chapter on Renee Zellweger’s current face until we’ve heard Heidi Montag’s thoughts about it, here’s Heidi Montag’s thoughts about it – Celebslam

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence still trusts Apple – Moe Jackson

That moment when you think to yourself, “DAMN that dude is hot,” and then realize it’s Kristen Stewart - Just Jared

That moment you mistake Ryan Gosling for Brad Pitt for a minute – Popsugar

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A Gross, Shitty Situation Just Got Grosser And Shittier (UPDATE)

October 24, 2014 / Posted by:

The whole “Mama June dating a convicted child molester” situation was already ten layers of barf wrapped in twenty layers of shit and dipped in pure awful, but it gets worse and I didn’t think that was possible. TMZ says that Mama June’s eldest daughter, 20-year-old Anna “Chickadee” Cardwell, wants people to know that she was the one who was molested by her mom’s alleged boyfriend Mark McDaniel. This is your cue to heave your way over to a video of a cat sleeping on a red bell pepper.

TLC dumped Here Comes Honey Boo Boo in the trash bin today after they discovered information that proves that Mama June really is dating the piece of shit who spent 10 years in prison for molesting an 8-year-old girl. He got out of prison in March and Mama June has been seeing him ever since, allegedly. Mama June screamed “LIES!” and claimed she hasn’t seen him in 10 years, but TLC didn’t believe her after they found out she went shopping for a car for her child touching boyfriend.

TMZ says that at first, Anna believed her mom and thought it was just a made-up lie. But Anna started to get more and more information that made her believe that Mama June has been filling her ears with deep fried lies and has betrayed in the worst way by dating the trash who abused her. Anna is letting it be known that she’s the victim because she wants everyone to know that Mama June is fifty tons of pure evil.

Anna wants it known she’s the victim because it makes what her mom is doing all the more egregious. We’re told Anna feels her relationship with her mom has been destroyed, and the only way June can see her granddaughter is if McDaniel is nowhere to be seen.

Gawker says that Anna spent most of her life living with her memaw. Anna’s memaw raised her and she moved back in with Mama June to shoot the show. Anna gave birth to a girl on the show when she was 17 and earlier this year married a guy she was dating for 2 years.

I knew Mama June was trash, but I thought she was the good kind of trash. I will never ever trust scripted reality TV again!

Jesus, take the wheel, pick up Uncle Poodle, drive by June the Hutt’s lair of evil, throw Honey Boo Boo and her sisters in the car and drive far, far away. I mean, when you make Pimp Mama Kris and Kate Gosselin look like legitimate Mothers of the Year…

UPDATE: Anna tells Radar that her relationship with Mama June is pretty much dead.

“I believe she is seeing him and hanging around him. I’m hurt. I think me and Mama’s relationship may well be over.”

Radar also says Anna’s abuser didn’t go to prison for molesting her. That case was later dismissed. He went to prison for a different molestation case.

Usher Says His Relationship With Justin Bieber Is More “Man-To-Man” Now

October 24, 2014 / Posted by:

First things first, we need to talk about whoever at Billboard is responsible for that wonderful Usher pun. Usher in a new era. I love you. Your muffin basket is in the mail.

Usher recently spoke to Billboard about the tiny Canadian terror toddler he released into the world (aka Justin Bieber), specifically how their relationship has changed over the years. You see, when Usher first went to Canada to adopt the unruly gerbil, it was more of a big brother/little brother relationship. Usher took Justin under his wing and showed him the ropes. But then Justin turned 12 (or however old he is) and became a little shit, and started doing hoodrat stuff with his friends. Usher says that now that Justin has grown, their relationship is more “man-to-man” now, which has ushered in a new era where he ain’t afraid to whoop a trick if he steps out of line:

“He’s making his own decisions and it’s important to show support. I can say I’m not happy with all the choices my friend has made, but I’m supportive of him. I try my hardest to give as much positive reinforcement as I can. I’ll punch him in the fucking chest when I need to, and give him a hug and kiss when I need to. It’s more than just mentoring. I love the kid.”

I wonder which Justin likes more, getting a hug and kiss or taking one of Usher’s fists? My guess is the hug and the kiss, especially if they come with a lullaby sung through Usher’s beautiful dog whistle voice.

Either way, Usher and Justin’s new relationship sounds like some low-budget Beyond Scared Straight shit, and it kind of reminds me of the time I watched two teenage dirtbags attempt to fight each other at the end of my driveway. They started by blowing each other very aggressive air-kisses, which escalated to staring furiously into each others eyes, which escalated to one hissing “puta!” and poking at the other one’s chest. This went on for about 10 minutes and literally not one punch was thrown. It was so weird. Shit, maybe that was actually Justin and Usher! One did have a patchy little teen ‘stache.

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Open Post: Hosted By Whatever The Hell Is Going On Here

October 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Meanwhile, at an airport in Sydney, Australia…

Since everyone yawns with their eyes every time we see pictures of Miley Cyrus’ chipmunk nipples and suffocating cooter, she came up with another way of getting attention by doing herself up like a raver toddler coming down from Ecstasy or like a Prozac-needing refugee unicorn who’s got the sads because they were forced to flee Robert Pattinson’s enchanted forest hair.  Trick looks like something from the island of the discarded carnival toys. She’s the visual embodiment of an MDMA comedown. And I don’t know how she did it, but even in that baggy onesie, she still has camel toe.

Pics: Splash

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Greta Gerwig Is Probably Going To Play An Adult Wiener-Dog In A Follow-Up To “Welcome To The Dollhouse”

October 24, 2014 / Posted by:

I’ve watched all of Todd Solondz’s fucked-up, weird movies (Happiness, Storytelling, Palindromes, Dark Horse, etc…) several times, but the one that speaks to my soul the most is 1995′s Welcome to the Dollhouse, because it perfectly sums up how awful, awkward and shitty junior high school is. In that ode to 90s preteen awkwardness, Heather Matarazzo played Dawn Wiener, a fashion forward, nerdy 7th grader who’s constantly bullied at school and has a home life that is just as crappy. In Palindromes (SPOILER ALERT), we learn that Dawn Wiener offed herself in college. IMDB says that Todd Solondz wanted Heather Matarazzo to play Dawn again in Palindromes, but she told him, “Drop dead, lesbo.” No, but she didn’t want to play Wiener-Dog anymore for some reason, which makes no sense to me, because why wouldn’t she want to put on that white nutsack hair ponytail again?

The Hollywood Reporter says that Todd is working on another Welcome to the Dollhouse follow-up called Wiener-Dog and indie actress Greta Gerwig, who was in Frances Ha and To Rome With Love, is in talks to play grown up Dawn Wiener. Todd is also talking to Julie Delpy about taking a role. THR explains Wiener-Dog’s plot like this:

The script tells several stories featuring people who find their life inspired or changed by one particular dachshund, who seems to be spreading comfort and joy.

What I’m getting from that HIGHLY detailed plot line is that after Dawn Wiener killed herself, she was reincarnated into an actual wiener dog. They better cast a wiener dog who can work the hell out of a ruffled clown blouse and who will keep the Special People’s Club alive.

What I really want to know is, who in the hell is going to play Dawn’s only friend Ralphie?

ralphie-2

Glenn Close in Albert Nobbs kind of looks like Ralphie, so my vote for the grown up Ralphie is Glenn Close in her Albert Nobbs drag.

Pics: Wenn.com, MNPP

Shameless Pimp Kris Jenner’s Kook Book Features A Recipe For Nicole Simpson’s Chicken Nachos

October 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Just when you think that rubber-faced hustler couldn’t dig any lower into the bottom of the barrel (bitch could hit wood and will keep digging ’till her shovel reached the Earth’s core), Kris Jenner has found a new way to pimp someone out, and for the first time in recent history, it’s not one of the drowsy hookers who fell from her pimp krotch! PMK recently released a cook book called In The Kitchen With Kris (working title: What’s A Kitchen?) and according to Page Six, one of the recipes inside features chicken nachos à la the late Nicole Brown Simpson. Keep it klassy, Kris!

Kris says that chicken nachos are the first things she thinks of when she remembers Nicole Simpson, because she was an amazing cook and putting chicken on tortilla chips was sort-of her specialty. Kris says Nicole’s chicken nachos were so good, they had a cult following. DUH – nachos are delicious! Has Kris never had nachos before? Because she’s really losing her shit over these nachos. I bet next she’ll tell us about this really awesome cheese dip Khloe makes called “kay-soh”.

I’m glad Kris has found a way to honor her friend, but naming a nacho recipe in your krappy kook book after her? Nicole Brown Simpson must be sitting by the pool in heaven thinking: “Really bitch? My food legacy was Velveeta melted on corn chips? Fuck off, Kris.” Everyone knows the food-as-heartlfet-memory hierarchy is as follows: fruit pie, cream pie, chili, soup/chowder, holiday stuffing, then maybe if your desperate, lemonade. Nacho recipes are for dentists and old college roommates! Nachos. SMH.

And if nachos aren’t your thing, I’m sure Kris has a recipe somewhere in that book for the food that reminds her the most of her daughter, Kim Kardashian: hot dogs! “My daughter Kim has always loved to put wieners in her mouth.” Here’s Kris’ highest earning hooker looking like a goth slug while filming KUWTK yesterday:

Pics: Splash

Bristol Palin Spits On The Media For Twisting “The Truth” About Her Family’s Drunken Brawl

October 24, 2014 / Posted by:

The Palin family’s drunken, messy, sloppy, snowmobile tussle is truly the trashy gift that keeps on giving.

The other day, audio came out of the Camo Duchess of Wasilla, Bristol Palin, crying out to the police after her family was involved in a booze-fueled fight at a snowmobile party in Anchorage. TMZ also posted pictures of Bristol’s LIFE-THREATENING (not at all) cuts and bruises. There’s been several versions of what happened. Some says that the Palins started it and others (read: The Mama Grizzly Gang) says that the Palins are the innocent victims in all of this. Bristol, a lifelong card carrying member of the victim club, farted out a blog post (via UsWeekly) about this SCANDAL and of course, she writes that her family is innocent and the “liberal media” is only dragging the story out because they’re conservatives. Bristol wonders if we even heard about Joe Biden’s coke-snorting son getting kicked out of the Navy for Lohan’ing it or the story about Chelsea Clinton’s fraudster father-in-law. Um, Bristol should take a tip from her mom and read ALL the papers, because those stories were covered.

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Taylor Swift Says She Hasn’t Gone On A Date In Over A Year

October 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Taylor Swift, the come-to-life Russian nesting doll comprised of an 83-year-old cookie-baking granny inside a 12-year-old part-time babysitter inside a melodramatic 24-year-old woman with a cat fetish with the heart of a whipped cream-covered butterscotch sundae, recently confessed to The Sun (via The Daily Mail) that she hasn’t been to nary a single drive-in movie or strawberry social with a gentleman caller in 18 months. But don’t you shed a single tear for Sweet Valley Swift – she’s happy that nobody’s been into her down-low peppermint rose garden in over a year, because it has given her more time to get to know (cue Lifetime-sounding music)…herself.

“I get stressed when I think about getting into a relationship because I get beat up in the press whenever I go near a boy. So you can understand why I’m taking a bit of a break. A relationship is not in my brain right now. Staying single has been the best thing I have done… I’m not wary of getting into another relationship. I’m just protective of my independence and freedom, more protective than I have been before. I always thought, ‘What could be better than to love someone and be loved back?’ I finally found what it is to love yourself and not need anyone to love you back.”

Tay Tay, why you lie?? There’s no way she quit the boys cold-turkey for a whole 18-months. I bet there’s a half-eaten Duncan Hines Brownie Husband sitting in Tay Tay’s apartment right now (we’ll know for sure if she writes a song called “Lover With A Melted Chocolate Heart” sometime in the next 10 months).

The only thing I don’t want to think about is Taylor’s “love yourself” comment. My brain is NOT prepared to handle the image of Tay Tay lighting a couple dozen vanilla-scented candles and ‘tending to her rose garden’, so to speak. That’s between Tay Tay and her vibrating Sailor Moon wand.

And to prove that relationships with boys are not on her brain right now, here’s Tay Tay performing that song about her relationship with Harry Styles on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night in the middle of Hollywood Blvd. She has truly moved on!

Here’s more of Tay Tay serving up some Upper East Side Fly Girl realness on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night.

Pics: Splash

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