Archives: October 2014

Oscar Pistorius Gets Five Years In Prison For Killing Reeva Steenkamp, But He’ll Most Likely Be Released A Lot Earlier

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above holding in a snot stream of sadness he planned to release for the cameras if the judge actually hit him with the maximum punishment, Oscar Pistorius was finally sentenced today for shooting his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp to death through a toilet room door. Judge Thokozile Masipa, who found him guilty of culpable homicide (which is basically manslaughter to us hos in the US) last month, sentenced him to 5 years in the clink. To put that time in perspective, it took me longer to read The Guardian’s entire article about his sentencing. Oscar faced a maximum sentence of 15 years in the chokey, but since he’s a rich, famous athlete, if that happened we’d all be flying through the universe right now, because the earth’s core would’ve exploded.

Before sentencing, prosecutors asked the judge to hit him with 10 years in jail and Oscar’s lawyers asked for community service and house arrest. Judge Masipa told the court that she believed her sentence was fair:

“A non-custodial sentence would send the wrong message to the community. On the other hand, a long sentence would also not be appropriate either, as it would lack
the element of mercy.”

Element of mercy? Oh yeah, that’s what was missing from Oscar’s brain when he shot through that door three times.

After the judge gently slapped Oscar on the wrist, Reeva’s family told the BBC that they believe justice was served and they’re ready to move on. Oscar’s uncle told reporters that his nephew “will embrace the opportunity to pay back to society.

Just because Oscar was sentenced to 5 years in jail, doesn’t mean he’s going to be locked up for 5 years in jail. He’ll most likely be released really early for good behavior. Oscar’s lawyer thinks he’ll spend 10 months in jail before serving the rest of his sentence on house arrest in his fancy house. Prosecutors believe he’ll serve 2 years in jail. He was also given a three-year suspended sentence for a firearms charge and he must turn in all of his guns and his gun license.

The International Olympic Committee hasn’t said anything about this, but the International Paralympic Committee has banned him from competing for 5 years. His Olympic career is probably done, so now he can spend all his time on fancy house arrest writing a book titled “IF I Murdered Her.

Pic: AP

Hot Slut Of The Day!

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

The “virtual autopsy” picture of King Tut! 

If Hollywood made a King Tut biopic right now, they’d probably dye Zac Efron’s hair black and cast him in the title role. But according to a “virtual autopsy,” King Tut looked more like the love child of Prince William and a Concorde Pear.

For the BBC documentary Tutankhamun: The Truth Uncovered, researchers did a virtual autopsy composite using over 2,000 computer scans of his burial mask and results they got from doing a genetic analysis of his family. Researchers discovered that King Tut’s parents were part of The Incest Is Best Club, because they were brother and sister. Expect St. Angie Jolie to announce that she plans to direct a biopic of King Tut’s parents starring her and James Haven.

The Daily Mail says that because his mom was also his tia and his uncle was also his tio, he was born with physical impairments including a club foot. Scientists also think he died of an inherited disease when he was 19. Earlier this year, egyptologists from the American University in Cairo discovered that King Tut’s dick was embalmed at a 90-degree angle. They didn’t see how long it was. I know, what kind of researchers are they?

So, there you go. There’s a true-to-life, 100% authentic picture of a 19-year-old King Tut working the shit out of an Egyptian diaper. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we’d all hit it. He was king! That diaper’s probably filled with gold.

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Birthday Sluts

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Judge Judy (72)
Amber Rose (31)
Aaron Tveit (31)
Matt Dallas (32)
Kim Kardashian (34)
Will Estes (36)
Jeremy Miller (38)
Saffron Burrows (42)
Jade Jagger (43)
Melora Walters (55)
Ken Watanabe (55)
Charlotte Caffey (57)
Julian Cope (57)
Carrie Fisher (58)
Catherine Hardwicke (59)
LaTanya Richardson (65)
Manfred Mann (74)
Joyce Randolph (90)

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Oscar De La Renta Has Died

October 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Legendary fashion designer and noted gentleman Oscar de la Renta (full government name: Óscar Arístides de la Renta Fiallo), who could make almost anyone look elegant, died at the age of 82 his home in Kent, Connecticut today. His wife Annette de la Renta confirmed the news to ABC News. Oscar was diagnosed with cancer in 2006.

Oscar was born in the Dominican Republic and when he was 18 he went to Madrid to study painting, but he ended up falling in love with fashion instead. He worked for Balenciaga and Lanvin before moving to NYC in the 1960s to start his own line. Shortly after he started his line, Jackie Kennedy wore him and continued to wear him. Throughout the decades other First Ladies like Nancy Reagan, Laura Bush, Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama also wore his clothes. And of course, millions upon millions (I’m underestimating) of actresses and famous types have wore him. Recently, he designed Amal Clooney’s wedding dress.

Oscar recently named Peter Copping his successor.

And now every award show is going to be filled with a bunch of naked ass women because they’re going to have nothing to wear.

Rest in peace, Oscar de la Renta.

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Night Crumbs

October 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Shonda Rhimes Bye Felicia’d a trick who complained about all the hot dude on dude action in How To Get Away With Murder. That’s actually offensive to Felicia, because I bet that pesky crackhead would fully appreciate all the hot dude on dude action in that show – Towleroad

Jude Law should skip on down to the Scientology Centre and give John Travolta his wig master’s card – Lainey Gossip

Panty Creamer of the Day: Rob Lowe bares his 50-year-old nips on Instagram – Celebitchy

What in Raquel Welch discount special HELL is on Sarah Hyland’s head? - Drunken Stepfather

Sonja Morgan will be asking Countess LuMann for a loan in 3…2.. - Reality Tea

The Stephen Collins case ended as you expected it to end – The Superficial

Whenever I’m about to bitch and moan about something, I’m going to stop and tell myself that somewhere a cotton ball-sized pom pom has it worse than me, because he’s forced to be seen with Wonky McValtrex looking like Moschino wet queefed all over her – Hollywood Tuna

Fergie Ferg is back and is shooting a new video while looking like a post-apocalyptic lot lizard, so really, nothing’s changed – Egotastic!

Even though Nick Minaj is always shoving her Fix-A-Flat ass in your face, don’t ask her about her ass – Jezebel

Selena Gomez, stop playing and give Beetlejuice his robe back – Popoholic

If Nicole Richie is going for the “65-year-old Boca Raton socialite who bathes in bronzer and considers Botox a protein” look, then she nailed it – WWTDD

Jena Malone might be female Robin in Batman vs. Superman, because the cast of 20,000 isn’t big enough – Pajiba

Pill poppers can breathe a sigh of relief because LeAnn Rimes says she isn’t one of you – ICYDK

Poke at me when Tori Spelling is permanently quarantined from humanity – IDLYITW

The first full trailer for the second season of The Comeback has Mickey in it and that’s all I could ever want from life – OMG Blog

John Travolta and Khloe Kardashian greeting each other with a hug at The Ivy…and other pictures of huggy animals – The Berry

Dear Ryan Kwanten, I have a seat that needs moving too and I don’t really know what that means exactly but just go with it – Popsugar

If you’re always complaining about how you can’t grow a muscle, blame Joe ManJello, because his body took them all – Just Jared

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Mimi Gives Shanghai Body And Glamour

October 20, 2014 / Posted by:

I’m assuming that it’s illegal in Shanghai to run around pussy lips naked in public, because if it wasn’t the delicate, unicorn-voiced horny glitter butterfly that is Mimi would’ve performed at her show last night in nothing but heels, crotch-less Spanx and Hello Kitty nipple tassels. But since Mimi abides by all laws she kept it conservative and demure by wearing an easy-access, fuck-me prom dress co-designed by Trash Heap and GLAD. The Elusive Chanteuse continued to elude clothes when she performed at the Hongkou Soccer Stadium in a stunning trash bag half-dress that was cut so high that one false move and everyone would’ve seen her Spanx-wrapped unicorn poon.

When I still lived in NYC and my sister worked at Rockefeller Center, I’d visit her for lunch sometimes and I’d regularly see a homeless woman bring high fashion couture to the streets by wearing a long gown made out of trash bags. As she stomped through the streets, her long, trash bag train would flow in the wind and it gave me Priscilla Queen of the Desert vibes. I’d like to think that one day while lounging at the top of her Tribeca castle, Mimi peeked into her pink crystal embedded telescope to scan the streets below to see how her subjects were doing and she spotted that trash bag gown and that’s what inspired this look. It goes without saying, but the homeless woman at Rockefeller wore it better.

In other Mimi news, she answered to the hos saying that she’s lost her voice by tweeting this video of her screeching out crystal clear garage door opening notes while “cleaning“:

Three things:

1. Mimi can’t even fake clean right. But in her defense, picking up that vase and putting it down 4 seconds later is the most housework she’s doing in yeeeeeeeears, darling.

2. I took that “duuur-tay tank tops” comment as a diss to Nick Cannon.

3. Since I am now temporarily deaf as fuck, can somebody please call 911 and tell them that my dog packed all his shit in a sack on a stick and ran away from home for exposing him to that sound?

Pics: AP

Open Post: Hosted By The Sexy Cook Of Chili’s

October 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Behold, the glorious portrait that needs to be Florida’s new state flag. And if Butterfly by Crazy Town was a human, that’s what it would look like.

The tattooed hunk of hotness in the picture above and below used to be a cook at a Chili’s in Valrico, FL, but was fired for bringing thirty servings of hot, greasy sex to the kitchen. Justin Speekz (who sometimes raps in the Tampa area as J-Speekz, because of course he does) decided that what the eyes of the world really need is some fap material in the form of pictures of him sprawled out shirtless on a prep table at Chili’s. Now you know that Chili’s dipping sauces get their saltiness from armpit drool. J-Speekz took picture after picture of him throwing, “You know you want to dip this jumbo soft pretzel in your skillet queso,” looks while posing shirtless all around the kitchen of the Chili’s he used to work at. He posted the pictures on Facebook, labeled them “Sexy Cooks of Chili’s” and even tagged the location he worked in. Well, you can’t expect J-Speekz to have charisma, sex appeal AND brains.

Eventually, customers of the Chili’s in Valrico found the pictures on Facebook and I guess they don’t like a little AXE-scented pit hair on their burgers, because they complained to management. J-Speekz was fired and now “Sexy Cooks of Chili’s” is the fap-inducing calendar that never was. ABC Action News says that no health codes were broken since the pictures weren’t taken while J-Speekz was making food. But Chili’s still pink slipped him and they released this statement about it:

“Chili’s clearly does not encourage this type of behavior in our restaurants. We maintain very high standards of food quality, safety and cleanliness and took immediate steps to ensure the restaurant continues to follow these requirements. Additionally, we ended this team member’s employment after learning of his conduct.”

We maintain very high standards of food quality.” Who ever wrote that mess has obviously never eaten at Chili’s.

Whatever. J-Speekz, who probably tells people that he’s the real inspiration for James Franco’s Spring Breakers character, doesn’t need Chili’s anyway. Chili’s will be sorry when J-Speekz next song about this shit titled “2 Sex-E 4 Chiliz” comes out and becomes the #1 most played song in the world the country Florida Tampa his own iTunes playlist.

opsexycookofchilis2

And if he still worked at Chili’s, I would. I totally would, because afterward we could eat the baby back ribs he brought home from work.

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Here’s What It Kosts To Have Kim Kardashian Promote Your Product

October 20, 2014 / Posted by:

I know what you’re thinking: “But Allison, we already know what it kosts: your soul, as well as any remaining sense of shame or dignity.” And while that’s true, it will also cost you actual money. That hooker don’t work for free! But thanks to Radar, we now we know just how much it will actually cost you to hire Kim Kardashian (seen above looking like a spooky partially-melting haunted Real Doll) to endorse whatever cheap piece of trash you’re trying to sell.

Radar managed to obtain several emails sent between a rep for the drowsy-faced prostitroll and the owner of a firm interested in hiring her to endorse a product. According to the emails, Kim’s minimum rate is between $750,000 and $1 million. That may seem high for an escort, but just remember – Pimp Mama Kris didn’t become the world’s richest shameless pimp by discounting the merchandise. The rep also offered their Low-Budget Kim option, Kendall Jenner, for $500,000. And for $100 and a gift card to Taco Bell, they could have Rob.

The emails also state that Kim demands extras on top of that $1 million, including: 5 first class tickets plus one coach ticket, first class hotel accommodations, including one suite for Kim and standard rooms for everyone else in her party, first class executive ground transportation, a greeter at the airport, security, daily rate for her hair and makeup team, and a per diem. Her rep also demanded they have final approval over photographers, photos, glam squad, hotel, airline. Meanwhile, cut to Baby North sitting in the filthy ball pit of a drop-in daycare hoping Mommy also hires someone to remind her to come get her before they head back to the airport.

It’s crazy how many times that classless trick asks for “first class” this and “first class” that. Calm down, hooker, you can stay in a Hilton every once in a while. And in case you were wondering who in Kim’s entourage gets that coach ticket, it’s for Satan. He may be the almighty lord of the underworld, but he’s still a pretty down to Earth dude.

And here’s Hooker Billy Mays herself taking a break from all that product shilling to film Keeping Up With The Kartrashians last week wearing what appears to be an XXXL pair of three-legged yoga pants:

Pics: Splash

Sadly, Sinead O’Connor And The Pope Aren’t Going To Perform At The AMAs Together

October 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Screw Sinead, the AMAs and the Pope, tell me everything there is to know about the exquisite Leigh Bowery cholita beauty bombing this shot” said everyone looking at this picture.

The American Music Awards and Dick Clark Productions became Sinead enemy #3 (after Miley Cyrus and an empty bottle of ass lube) a few weeks ago when they allegedly tried to use Sinead O’Connor to give their award show a top trending on Twitter moment. I know, award show producers doing their job. CRAZY! In a NSFW post on her site that is topped with a gigantic, blurry picture of a soft, uncut trumpet dick with eyes, Sinead writes that six weeks ago the producers of the AMAs called up her record label and asked if she’d be interested in doing a mash-up of Nothing Compares 2 U and Take Me To Church. Because of the whole Pope picture ripping ESCANDALO of 1992, the producers had to get the okay from the network first. Sinead was into it.

Sinead thought that the chances of the AMAs performance happening were as slim as the chances of her not having a difficult brown time while getting butt fucked by an extra curved dick, but she still waited patiently for them to get back to her. They got back to her three weeks later and said that they were trying to find a “contemporary artist” for her to perform with and they promised that “contemporary artist” wouldn’t be Miley. The producers took another three weeks to tell Sinead’s record label that the performance was a no go. They weren’t able to book the “contemporary artist” they wanted Sinead to perform with and the “contemporary artist” they were trying to book was Pope Francis! The AMAs should’ve gone ALL the way. They should’ve ended all of Sinead’s “beefs” during her performance by getting Miley, the Pope and a dancer in a bleeding anus costume to twerk around her as she performed a dance remix of Take Me To Church.

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