Archives: October 2014

“Uh…You’re Staring At My Baby Bump, Right?”

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Sure thing boobies – errr, I mean, boobies – errr, I mean…aw fuck it, I’m too tit-notized to focus.

Blake Lively, the come-to-life antique mason jar filled with hand-squeezed lavender lemonade, and her hot husband Ryan Reynolds took a break from procuring the finest of organic hand-churned autumnal squash-flavored frozen sweet creams and small-batch hipster pickles to attend The Angel Ball in New York City on Monday night, and – BREAKING NEWS – I sort of love that Bland brought some pregnant Vegas showgirl class to the red carpet by showing up with her knocked-up booby balloons squeezing out of her dress. I’ve never been pregnant, but I have been so bloated from binge eating Bic Macs in an attempt to find the Boardwalk sticker in McDonald’s Monopoly (pray for me, I think my heart might be dead), so I kind of know what it’s like for your tits to grow two sizes overnight. You wanna show that shit off!

I even love that she wrapped her fetus suite in a tight stretchy pastel yellow fabric; she looks like a stretched-out Easter peep or a misshapen wedge of manchego cheese. Not to mention that she’s working a pretty tight no-dye pregnancy hair game. Although I’m sure we’ll find out later on Preserve.us that she’s found a way to dye it naturally using freshly-crushed fall leaves mixed with a paste made from bee-collected chamomile flower pollen and organic meyer lemon rinds.

Here’s more of Bland and Van Wilder staring longingly into each others eyes like a couple of horny come-to-life Precious Moments figurines in front of a million photographers at The Angel Ball last night. To quote Brian The Chotchkie’s Waiter from Office Space: “Get a room you two!

Pics: Wenn.com

Pour Out 40 Ounces Of Lemon Juice, Renee Zellweger’s Signature Squint Is Gone Forever

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

A year ago, many of us filed an identity theft claim with the FBI, the police, Obama, Detective La Toya and Morris Chestnut when somebody claiming to be Squinty Zellweger showed up to an Armani event looking nothing like Squinty Zellweger. Some of us stared at the open-eyed stranger in front of us and screamed, “PAPERS PLEASE!” I thought then that Renee’s pulled and tucked face would settle a lot and she’d go back to looking like she’s staring directly into the sun after swallowing a cup of Sour Patch Kids dust. But it’s been a year and I guess I have to permanently bury “Squinty Zellweger” next to “Fishsticks Paltrow” in the nickname cemetery, because Squinty Zellweger really is no more.

At Elle’s 21st Annual Women In Hollywood Awards last night, the photographers screamed, “Ms. Grey! Ms. Parker! Ms. Flockhart! Ms. Watts! Ms. Wright! Oh, whoever you are, over here, over here,” when Renee Zellweger worked the red carpet with her Sideshow Howard Stern-looking ass man Doyle Bramhall. These pictures have been spread all over the Internet today and nobody can really agree on who she looks like, but they all agree that she doesn’t look like Renee Zellweger. I’ve read that she looks like Jennifer Grey, a composite sketch of Robin Wright and Naomi Watts’ baby, a clay figurine of Juliette Lewis, etc… etc…

This Renee Zellweger doesn’t look bad, she just doesn’t look like Renee Zellweger. The 3-day-old danish I just ate looked more like Renee Zellweger and it wasn’t even lemon-filled. And that eyebrow situation. Hollywood’s former hardest-working beard deserves better than eyebrows that look like they’ve been through some shit.

We still shouldn’t cancel our identity theft claim, because I wouldn’t be surprised if Squinty Zellweger is tied up in a closet somewhere while this impostor is out here living her life. I bet Joey Lauren Adams is behind this. I never trusted that shifty bitch. Now that Renee Zellweger no longer looks like Renee Zellweger, the producers of Bridget Jones are probably going to ask Joey Lauren Adams to play Bridget in the next movie. Mission accomplished, JLA, mission accomplished.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Duchess Kate Went Back To Work

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

After spending the last several weeks hunched over one of the gem-encrusted golden toilets at Kensington Palace barfing her knocked-up guts out, Duchess Kate is finally well enough to slip on a pair of pantyhose and pull out the eyeliner and return to work. Praise be to the pregnancy gods! It’s been too long since Duchess Kate smiled and waved and wore a silly little hat and wore an outfit that sold out in 0.03 seconds! Curse you, hyperemesis gravidarum, you Harry Potter-sounding hurl-making killjoy!

The Daily Mail says that Kate’s first job back from sick leave was to pack up the royal fetus in a fancy Alexander McQueen coat and join Prince William at Buckingham Palace to install new drywall in the den and re-paint the powder room. No! It was to welcome the President of Singapore and his wife. They shook hands! They drank tea! Duchess Kate tried very hard to keep from using her tiny hat as a makeshift barf bag! Meanwhile, Prince Harry was also chilling out in Buckingham Palace with a case of the sicks too, but it was because one of the guards dared him to chug 6 Jägerbombs and play spinny bat with St. Edward’s Sceptre the night before.

After they met with the President of Singapore, Kate and Will then whistled for the valet to bring around their horse-drawn whip and they went home. Phew! What a day! Sounds exhausting. But really, all sarcasm aside, I’m sure it was exhausting. Have you ever tried to work with a case of the barfs? It’s fucking DIFFICULT! And I’ve heard that morning sickness is like a hangover dry humped food poisoning, so I bet Kate was working overtime to make sure she didn’t blow crumpet chunks on the President or his wife.

Here’s more of Kate and William working 9 to 5 (9:00am to 9:05am). Fun Fact! Kate is about 13 weeks pregnant, which means that judging by the size of her tummy bump, that puts my bloated cheeseburger locker at around 24 weeks. Congratulations to me!

Pics: Splash

Oscar Pistorius Gets Five Years In Prison For Killing Reeva Steenkamp, But He’ll Most Likely Be Released A Lot Earlier

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above holding in a snot stream of sadness he planned to release for the cameras if the judge actually hit him with the maximum punishment, Oscar Pistorius was finally sentenced today for shooting his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp to death through a toilet room door. Judge Thokozile Masipa, who found him guilty of culpable homicide (which is basically manslaughter to us hos in the US) last month, sentenced him to 5 years in the clink. To put that time in perspective, it took me longer to read The Guardian’s entire article about his sentencing. Oscar faced a maximum sentence of 15 years in the chokey, but since he’s a rich, famous athlete, if that happened we’d all be flying through the universe right now, because the earth’s core would’ve exploded.

Before sentencing, prosecutors asked the judge to hit him with 10 years in jail and Oscar’s lawyers asked for community service and house arrest. Judge Masipa told the court that she believed her sentence was fair:

“A non-custodial sentence would send the wrong message to the community. On the other hand, a long sentence would also not be appropriate either, as it would lack
the element of mercy.”

Element of mercy? Oh yeah, that’s what was missing from Oscar’s brain when he shot through that door three times.

After the judge gently slapped Oscar on the wrist, Reeva’s family told the BBC that they believe justice was served and they’re ready to move on. Oscar’s uncle told reporters that his nephew “will embrace the opportunity to pay back to society.

Just because Oscar was sentenced to 5 years in jail, doesn’t mean he’s going to be locked up for 5 years in jail. He’ll most likely be released really early for good behavior. Oscar’s lawyer thinks he’ll spend 10 months in jail before serving the rest of his sentence on house arrest in his fancy house. Prosecutors believe he’ll serve 2 years in jail. He was also given a three-year suspended sentence for a firearms charge and he must turn in all of his guns and his gun license.

The International Olympic Committee hasn’t said anything about this, but the International Paralympic Committee has banned him from competing for 5 years. His Olympic career is probably done, so now he can spend all his time on fancy house arrest writing a book titled “IF I Murdered Her.

Pic: AP

Hot Slut Of The Day!

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

The “virtual autopsy” picture of King Tut! 

If Hollywood made a King Tut biopic right now, they’d probably dye Zac Efron’s hair black and cast him in the title role. But according to a “virtual autopsy,” King Tut looked more like the love child of Prince William and a Concorde Pear.

For the BBC documentary Tutankhamun: The Truth Uncovered, researchers did a virtual autopsy composite using over 2,000 computer scans of his burial mask and results they got from doing a genetic analysis of his family. Researchers discovered that King Tut’s parents were part of The Incest Is Best Club, because they were brother and sister. Expect St. Angie Jolie to announce that she plans to direct a biopic of King Tut’s parents starring her and James Haven.

The Daily Mail says that because his mom was also his tia and his uncle was also his tio, he was born with physical impairments including a club foot. Scientists also think he died of an inherited disease when he was 19. Earlier this year, egyptologists from the American University in Cairo discovered that King Tut’s dick was embalmed at a 90-degree angle. They didn’t see how long it was. I know, what kind of researchers are they?

So, there you go. There’s a true-to-life, 100% authentic picture of a 19-year-old King Tut working the shit out of an Egyptian diaper. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we’d all hit it. He was king! That diaper’s probably filled with gold.

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Birthday Sluts

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Judge Judy (72)
Amber Rose (31)
Aaron Tveit (31)
Matt Dallas (32)
Kim Kardashian (34)
Will Estes (36)
Jeremy Miller (38)
Saffron Burrows (42)
Jade Jagger (43)
Melora Walters (55)
Ken Watanabe (55)
Charlotte Caffey (57)
Julian Cope (57)
Carrie Fisher (58)
Catherine Hardwicke (59)
LaTanya Richardson (65)
Manfred Mann (74)
Joyce Randolph (90)

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Oscar De La Renta Has Died

October 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Legendary fashion designer and noted gentleman Oscar de la Renta (full government name: Óscar Arístides de la Renta Fiallo), who could make almost anyone look elegant, died at the age of 82 his home in Kent, Connecticut today. His wife Annette de la Renta confirmed the news to ABC News. Oscar was diagnosed with cancer in 2006.

Oscar was born in the Dominican Republic and when he was 18 he went to Madrid to study painting, but he ended up falling in love with fashion instead. He worked for Balenciaga and Lanvin before moving to NYC in the 1960s to start his own line. Shortly after he started his line, Jackie Kennedy wore him and continued to wear him. Throughout the decades other First Ladies like Nancy Reagan, Laura Bush, Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama also wore his clothes. And of course, millions upon millions (I’m underestimating) of actresses and famous types have wore him. Recently, he designed Amal Clooney’s wedding dress.

Oscar recently named Peter Copping his successor.

And now every award show is going to be filled with a bunch of naked ass women because they’re going to have nothing to wear.

Rest in peace, Oscar de la Renta.

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Night Crumbs

October 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Shonda Rhimes Bye Felicia’d a trick who complained about all the hot dude on dude action in How To Get Away With Murder. That’s actually offensive to Felicia, because I bet that pesky crackhead would fully appreciate all the hot dude on dude action in that show – Towleroad

Jude Law should skip on down to the Scientology Centre and give John Travolta his wig master’s card – Lainey Gossip

Panty Creamer of the Day: Rob Lowe bares his 50-year-old nips on Instagram – Celebitchy

What in Raquel Welch discount special HELL is on Sarah Hyland’s head? - Drunken Stepfather

Sonja Morgan will be asking Countess LuMann for a loan in 3…2.. - Reality Tea

The Stephen Collins case ended as you expected it to end – The Superficial

Whenever I’m about to bitch and moan about something, I’m going to stop and tell myself that somewhere a cotton ball-sized pom pom has it worse than me, because he’s forced to be seen with Wonky McValtrex looking like Moschino wet queefed all over her – Hollywood Tuna

Fergie Ferg is back and is shooting a new video while looking like a post-apocalyptic lot lizard, so really, nothing’s changed – Egotastic!

Even though Nick Minaj is always shoving her Fix-A-Flat ass in your face, don’t ask her about her ass – Jezebel

Selena Gomez, stop playing and give Beetlejuice his robe back – Popoholic

If Nicole Richie is going for the “65-year-old Boca Raton socialite who bathes in bronzer and considers Botox a protein” look, then she nailed it – WWTDD

Jena Malone might be female Robin in Batman vs. Superman, because the cast of 20,000 isn’t big enough – Pajiba

Pill poppers can breathe a sigh of relief because LeAnn Rimes says she isn’t one of you – ICYDK

Poke at me when Tori Spelling is permanently quarantined from humanity – IDLYITW

The first full trailer for the second season of The Comeback has Mickey in it and that’s all I could ever want from life – OMG Blog

John Travolta and Khloe Kardashian greeting each other with a hug at The Ivy…and other pictures of huggy animals – The Berry

Dear Ryan Kwanten, I have a seat that needs moving too and I don’t really know what that means exactly but just go with it – Popsugar

If you’re always complaining about how you can’t grow a muscle, blame Joe ManJello, because his body took them all – Just Jared

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Mimi Gives Shanghai Body And Glamour

October 20, 2014 / Posted by:

I’m assuming that it’s illegal in Shanghai to run around pussy lips naked in public, because if it wasn’t the delicate, unicorn-voiced horny glitter butterfly that is Mimi would’ve performed at her show last night in nothing but heels, crotch-less Spanx and Hello Kitty nipple tassels. But since Mimi abides by all laws she kept it conservative and demure by wearing an easy-access, fuck-me prom dress co-designed by Trash Heap and GLAD. The Elusive Chanteuse continued to elude clothes when she performed at the Hongkou Soccer Stadium in a stunning trash bag half-dress that was cut so high that one false move and everyone would’ve seen her Spanx-wrapped unicorn poon.

When I still lived in NYC and my sister worked at Rockefeller Center, I’d visit her for lunch sometimes and I’d regularly see a homeless woman bring high fashion couture to the streets by wearing a long gown made out of trash bags. As she stomped through the streets, her long, trash bag train would flow in the wind and it gave me Priscilla Queen of the Desert vibes. I’d like to think that one day while lounging at the top of her Tribeca castle, Mimi peeked into her pink crystal embedded telescope to scan the streets below to see how her subjects were doing and she spotted that trash bag gown and that’s what inspired this look. It goes without saying, but the homeless woman at Rockefeller wore it better.

In other Mimi news, she answered to the hos saying that she’s lost her voice by tweeting this video of her screeching out crystal clear garage door opening notes while “cleaning“:

Three things:

1. Mimi can’t even fake clean right. But in her defense, picking up that vase and putting it down 4 seconds later is the most housework she’s doing in yeeeeeeeears, darling.

2. I took that “duuur-tay tank tops” comment as a diss to Nick Cannon.

3. Since I am now temporarily deaf as fuck, can somebody please call 911 and tell them that my dog packed all his shit in a sack on a stick and ran away from home for exposing him to that sound?

Pics: AP

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