At midnight on the night of a full moon, Taylor Swift transforms into her true self: A naked cat with a bag full of money. – Pink Is The Blonde of Colors
“Myy Purrrrrrrrrrecious!!” – OMGWTFLOL
Seven Up candy bar, the seven wonders of the 70s!
A grand total of zero trick or treaters will knock on my door on Friday night, because : 1) Hardly any children live around here; 2) The children who do live around here will probably go to the rich neighborhoods for those full-size candy bars and; 3) The “Get The Fuck Off My Lawn Even Though I Don’t Have A Lawn” sign that hangs on my door keeps kids away for some reason. Even though I won’t get any trick or treaters, I’m still going to buy pounds and pounds of Halloween candy, because I didn’t do it right on Friday night until I pass out in a field of candy wrappers while watching the scariest show of all QVC.
So last night, I spent a little time researching candy, as I do most nights anyway, and my tongue got a boner from the sight of the Seven Up candy bar. Seven Up was a candy bar from the 1970s that was made up of seven little pockets that were filled with different flavors and they regularly changed up the flavors. Because of a certain bitch ass whiny soda brand, Seven Up faced a whole lot of trademark issues and it died before I was born so I was never able to put my mouth on that 7 wonders of deliciousness (strangely enough, I’ve said that line many times when a friend has asked me how my date went).
There’s a “Bring Back” Facebook page for EVERYTHING (I mean, there’s a Bring Back The Lemonades Girl Scout Cookie FB page and what kind of sucio fuck wants that back?), so of course there’s a Bring Back Seven Up FB page and that’s a FB page that needs to exist. Because I need that in my mouth (strangely enough, I’ve said that line many times at the start of a first date)! I guess if I want to experience the delicious glory of the Seven Up candy bar, I can put on one of those dental mouth openers and shove an entire variety box of See’s Candy in there at once. I was planning on doing that anyway.
Grace Slick (75)
Nastia Liukin (25)
Janel Parrish (26)
Eva Marcille (30)
Ivanka Trump (33)
Matthew Morrison (36)
Gretchen Rossi (36)
Adam Edge Copeland (41)
Ben Bailey (44)
Nia Long (44)
Mark Polish (44)
Michael Polish (44)
Gavin Rossdale (49)
Michael Beach (51)
Kevin Pollack (57)
Juliet Stevenson (58)
Mario Testino (60)
Harry Hamlin (63)
Henry Winkler (69)
Kim Kartrashian reached to new heights of “BITCH PLEASE” at the Re/Code Code Mobile conference when she said that reality TV deserves more respect, because she works hard and her krap show has more episodes than I Love Lucy. That’s a good komparison, because it’s well known that Lucy, a legendary comedian, got I Love Lucy after the F-list brother of a singer peed on her in a sex tape - Reality Tea
Chelsea Hander’s ex-piece and Kylie Minogue showed up to a club together and let’s just say that they’re bumping genitals. And let’s also say that they’re bumping genitals so hard that Kylie’s brains got a little tossed around, which would explain why she’s wearing your memaw’s favorite Easter Sunday look – Lainey Gossip
Rita Ora’s on the cover of Cosmo giving me “The Joker in sloppy drag” face – Drunken Stepfather
Jennifer Aniston probably won’t get an Oscar nomination for Cake, but if she does, hold onto something sturdy and brace yourselves for all the “ANGIE VS. ANISTON: SHOWDOWN AT THE OSCARS” tabloid covers – Celebitchy
Hopefully, Beyonce stole Hedwig’s wig, because bitch needs a new one – Towleroad
Marvel sticks the tip in again with some extra footage from Avengers: Age of Ultron - The Superficial
So what George Clinton is trying to say is that his asshole has severe LSD flashbacks every time he sits on the toilet – WWTDD
Rashida Jones, Kate Hudson and Olivia Wilde take a picture together at the 2014 Fugly Dress Convention – Hollywood Tuna
DanRad shows everyone that he should’ve been the most famous white rapper to come out of Britain instead of Lady Sovereign – Jezebel
Katherine Heigl was at a Big Brothers Big Sisters event the other night and the only thing I have to say about that is: Haven’t the Little Brothers and Little Sisters been through enough? – Popoholic
Jake Gyllenhaal probably would’ve been a whole lot more scared if Taylor Swift popped out instead – Pajiba
Panty Creamer of the Day: This country singing dude – Popsugar
This is what Snooki’s latest baby looks like (SPOILER ALERT: She looks like me after smoking my third bowl) – ICYDK
You know, I was just saying to myself that I haven’t seen enough of Neil Patrick Harris’ face lately – HuffPo
In case you didn’t know this already, Cindy Crawford gave birth to her twin – The Berry
Um, isn’t that the way Frankie Grande Latte dresses every day? – OMG Blog
Olivia Benson’s like, “Girl, please, those aren’t the noises I make. Those are your sex moans and we both know it” – SOW
Besides Drew Barrymore and Debi Mazar who were extremely hot as Sugar and Spice, Batman Forever was a neon turd and apparently it was a huge, messy shit show behind-the-scenes too. Ever since that mess came out, there’s been rumors that there was a lot of fighting going on during filming and that Jim Carrey and Tommy Lee Jones got along as well as two Rockaway black bears. Jim Carrey was on Howard Stern (via UsWeekly) yesterday to promote Dumb and Dumber To and the rumors about him scrappin’ with TLJ on the set of Batman Forever came up. Jim Carrey said that yeah, the rumors are true, and then he told a story that should make all of us wish we will get into a fight with TLJ just once. Because he will spew out some poetic hate that will make your soul blossom.
After writing about that never-ending train wreck of sad that is the Honey Boo Boo situation, I prayed to the Gods for a palate cleanser and my prayers were answered when I logged onto one of the photo agency websites and these pictures of human rose Grace Jones holding a rose gently swept across my eyeballs. FYI: My irises are now the color of a moonstone and I didn’t have to get some suspect shit implanted into them by a suspect doctor, TINY.
While dressed like a bag lady Sith Lord and wearing stunning Batman logo sunglasses, the Mistress of EVERYTHING left a joint party she threw with Kate Moss in London last night. I throw a joint party every night too if you know what I mean. If you’re soul ever needs a pick-me up, just stare at Grace’s impeccable seesaw eyebrows and you’ll be taken up, up and anyway. Grace proves that if you want to have the brows a maniacal cartoon villain who is always plotting the end of the world, the only two things you need are a BIC pen and a level.
Here’s more pictures of Grace having an intimate moment with a rose in London. You know, every picture of Grace should be filled with roses, because hos should throw roses at her all the time. I also threw in some pictures of a drunk Kate Moss (that’s redundant) dressed like a coked up Muppet going to a Great Gatsby-themed slumber party.
It goes without saying that I have some major problems when it comes to using my brain (I literally forgot my own last name yesterday, for real), so it should surprise absolutely no one that I spent nearly 17 minutes staring at the lower half of Anne Hathaway and wondering what was going on. Is she wearing black granny panties? Or some sort of body suit? Is that dress supposed to be the matronly British lady version of this one? Why did I care? Who knows. All that matters is that I zoomed in so close that the chain-links on her dress began to look like a Magic Eye poster, and I was convinced I saw an eagle soaring majestically through the mountains. It was TRIPPY.
Anne was once again walking the red carpet for that Oscar Winners in Space movie (aka Interstellar), this time in London. Yes, Anne looks like tired farted on exhausted, but you would too if you were wearing a dress that weighs 46 lbs. I don’t know how she’s still standing. She should have asked to be wheeled up the red carpet on a dolly like Hannibal Lecter. Actually, fuck that. If I were Anne, I would have asked them to wheel my ass to the recycling depot so I could trade in my dress for cash. You could probably get at least $27.50 for that dress!
Here’s more of Anne Hathaway serving up some Spencer Gifts pin art thing realness at the UK premiere of Interstellar (grab your magnifying glasses), as well as Jessica Chastain, the stoned armadillo and his wife (who looked like a sexy Agreeable Tiger Moth), and most importantly – MAIH CUL CAYN!
No-Kind-Of-Mama June’s EXCLUSIVO interview with E! News airs tonight and from what I’ve read, it doesn’t look like she says much besides, “THE TRUTH WILL COME OUT!” You know when someone’s full of fat rich lies when they say, “THE TRUTH WILL COME OUT!” Something tells me this “truth” that Mama June speaks of will look a lot like what came out of her ass this morning after she ate her usual breakfast of deep fried sugar cubes and melted butter.
Meanwhile, June’s eldest daughter, 20-year-old Anna Cardwell, continued to speak out against her mother’s hurtful, shit decisions in an interview with Entertainment Tonight that airs tomorrow night. Anna says that it hurts her seeing her mom looking like a shiny happy piece of trash while hanging around Mark McDaniel, the convicted pedophile who molested her when she was 8. Anna has talked to June and begged her to not let that monster around 9-year-old Honey Boo Boo and 14-year-old Pumpkin. Anna says that she’s obviously hurt and feels betrayed because her mom chose a pedophile shit dingle over her.
I know that a picture of Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis sitting behind a Burger King sign at a basketball game has nothing to do with Baby Wyatt and her non-existent nannies, but I just figured it’s Hump Day, and who wouldn’t want to celebrate by thinking about delicious flame-broiled Whoppers? Yarm.
Ashton was on Conan O’Brien Tuesday night, and after throwing some Charles Schulz-y shade at Charlie Sheen, he decided to talk about his new baby Ashton confessed that even though he’s an insanely rich famous dude who is rich enough to hire someone to get elbow-deep in baby caca and projectile milk-barfed on at 3am, he hasn’t hired a nanny for Baby Wyatt. Why? Because he’s an insanely rich famous dude.
“We’re really privileged that we have time and can afford to take time. So we don’t have a nanny or a night nurse of any of the stuff. It’s just the two of us.”
Ashton and Mila are lucky, because they never have to worry about being too exhausted to take care of the baby. All they have to do is throw on an episode of That 70s Show and a pair of those glasses that make you look like you’re awake, and Baby Wyatt won’t even notice the difference. Sure, she might get confused later in life when people refer to her parents as “Mila and Ashton” instead of “Jackie and Kelso”, but that’s nothing a little therapy can’t fix. And for those of you wondering how they got the name “Wyatt”, Ashton explains:
“We were going to a Lakers game and I got name Tourette’s and I just started listing off anything and everything that I saw: ‘Sign! Truck! Wall! Door!’ She [was] like, ‘Shut up!’ Then I was like, ‘I’ve got a really dumb idea. What about Wyatt?’ She goes, ‘That’s it.’”
I’m sorry, but how do you go from names like sign, truck, wall, door to Wyatt? Maybe Ashton pulled up to an intersection and saw a dude dressed like a cellphone spinning a sign that said “ASK ME WHY AT&T WANTS YOU TO SWITCH TODAY!“. Wyatt works, but did he ever consider Cellphondrea (pronounce cell-PHON-drea, obviously)? Come on, Cellphondria is a hot name!
Amanda Bynes’ mom and dad, Lynn and Rick Bynes, filed a petition with the court last week to once again be their daughter’s conservators and TMZ says that a judge recently approved it. Lynn and Rick had a conservatorship, but last month they reportedly let it go and that’s when Amanda moved away, stopped taking her meds, got back on Twitter and you know the rest.
TMZ says that the newest conservatorship won’t kick in until Amanda gets out of the hospital. When Amanda Bynes was “tricked” into entering a mental hospital, doctors were able to keep her there for 72 hours thanks to a 5150 hold. That 72-hour hold was later extended to 14 days and on Monday a judge extended it to an extra 30 days, because doctors say that she’s still in a bad way and is not ready for the outside world just yet.
In the documents Lynn and Rick (Side note: I can’t read the name Rick without hearing Amy Poehler nagging out a stream of RICK!s over and over again) gave to the judge, they listed all the reasons why they need to be the head bitches in charge of their daughter’s life. They should’ve just written, “check the Amanda Bynes tag on any blog,” but instead they said that her DUI and behavior are examples for why she’s a danger to herself and others. TMZ goes into Amanda’s money situation. Her parents state in the documents that Amanda’s net worth is exactly $5,747,703.36 and $2.8 million of that is real estate. Amanda made $144,768 last year and all of that came from her rental properties. My HGTV boo Scott McGillvray is impressed.
Lynn and Rick say that before Amanda went into the hospital, she was throwing around money like her name was Taylor Swift and she just sold 600,000 copies of her album in 24 hours. Amanda apparently gave gifts to everyone and anyone. TMZ seems to think that Amanda went into stores like Cartier, bought stuff and then handed it out to strangers on the street like some kind of Robin Hood.
Somewhere in London, Lindsay Lohan temporarily stopped taking naked pictures of herself on top of a mountain of coke for Neves’ new presidential campaign posters to slap herself in the head for leaving NYC when she did. LiLo got a cut on her twat from shoving a bunch of jooree and watches into her ham wallet during a “browsing” trip at Cartier and it still hasn’t healed. This wouldn’t have happened if she was in NYC when Amanda Bynes was handing out free Cartier shit on the streets. Dammit!
And now that Rick and Lynn got that conservatorship, they need to stock up on RAID just in case that shady roach Sam Lutfi hasn’t found another fallen child star to leech on and starts coming around again.