Current ramen noodle-haired tequila tycoon Sammy Hagar celebrated his 67th birthday by performing a show in Las Vegas last week (a few days before the tsunami of trash hit) and to his surprise, he was joined on stage by his former ramen noodle-haired brother Chad Kroeger. What happens next isn’t nearly as douchetastic as you’d think, I assure you.
The Slow Canadian Cocker Spaniel grabs a mic and the two do a cover of Led Zepplin’s “Whole Lotta Love”, and it’s not actually the worst. Sure, there’s more growling than Lindsay Lohan fighting Dina for the last bottle of vodka at Thanksgiving dinner, but my ears didn’t immediately start bleeding profusely like they usually do when I hear Chad Kroeger’s voice. Not to mention that whenever the light shines on his face, it kind of looks like Casper the Friendly Ghost is covering it so you don’t have to look at his double-double douche mug. Casper – so courteous!
And this song will come in very handy later this evening when I’m 4 glasses of wine into dinner and I decide to start singing a cover of their cover. It’s the perfect drunk song! You don’t even need to know the words – you can just growl hurr hurr hurr along to the music! I should practice my Sammy Shuffle now.
In case you’ve forgotten that Gwyneth Paltrow does everything better and more uniquely special than the average human person (cut to Gwyneth at this very moment in a lab getting her DNA triple-filtered through a $40,000 organic DNA cleansing system in an attempt to human better than the rest of us humans), it looks like now she’s found a way to put an insufferable spin on dating too. We all know that the Snobby Corn Broom has been rubbing her dehydrated down-lows on Glee and American Horror Story creator Brad Falchuk for a while now, but according to Page Six, it’s recently gone from casual to still casual but also sort-of serious but like, I’m not your girlfriend, so chill out, but you better not be passing that peen.
Gwyneth Paltrow and American Horror Story producer Brad Falchuk are openly a couple when they circulate among Hollywood VIPs, insiders say.
They are “openly dating, but behind closed doors,” said an insider, who added that entertainment pros know them as a couple. “They go to private Hollywood parties together.”
Okay, so let’s try to make sense of that. They are a couple, but only at fancy private Hollywood parties. So…they are a couple? I’m so confused! Maybe Gwyneth could explain her couple-but-only-at-private-parties philosophy on GOOP? Oh, what do you know? I have an advanced copy of said GOOP post (that I totally didn’t just make up) right here!
Mindful Private Togetherness
I suppose one of your personal assistants has informed you that I’m currently seeing someone. Aren’t you so happy? Yay for me! First things first, we don’t use the term ‘dating’ – that’s for poors and regulars! What I’m doing with Bradley is called mindful private togetherness. It’s an approach that limits the exposure of your relationyacht (I don’t do relationships – ships are too pedestrian) in order to maintain its exclusivity. Just like a $900 bottle of imported fermented endangered white lion tears, only the finest of peoples may experience GOOPCHUK.
Although I’m sure if you really want to know what it looks like when Gwyneth and Brad get their couple on, you could always rub a corn broom against a constipated-looking guinea pig who sort of resembles Zach Braff, and you’d get the general idea.
Aspiring drowsy-faced pimp mama and current drowsy-faced hooker Kim Kardashian celebrated her 34th birthday last night at Tao in Las Vegas, and even though she’s another year older, she proved she’s still just as cheap n’ tacky as ever by arriving with her sloppy spray-tanned tits hanging out of her dress. I know it’s Las Vegas, but why do I get the feeling that even the drunkest, messiest pieces of trash on the strip would look at Kim and think “Put them away, hooker!” What in the world is she wearing? She looks like a slutty mummy (change one letter, and that statement is 100% accurate).
Or maybe Pimp Mama Kris instructed Kim to make a little extra cash while she was in Vegas by “entertaining” some wealthy gentlemen looking for the come-to-life knock-off Real Doll experience. All she has to do is park Kanye Kardashian at a slot machine with a cup of change and promise she’ll be back before they put the scrambled eggs out at the breakfast buffet.
And can you believe that Kim and her Charmin-covered chichis weren’t actually the messiest messes at her birthday party? That honor goes to Kim’s old understudy Khloe Kardashian, who showed up wearing a gold grill and 8 layers of bronzer caked onto her forehead:
Well, I think we finally know who Khloe’s real father is! NO! Jaws would never! He may be an evil henchman, but even he draws the line at hooking up with that evil rubber-faced viper Pimp Mama Kris!
Here’s more of Kim looking like a poorly-iced Lady Baltimore cake (I picked Lady Baltimore, because Kim is used to being covered in nuts) with her kurrent husband Kanye, as well as Khloe serving up bath salts brothel madame realness with Salacious B. Cheban last night:
Despite having a face like a stunning come-to-life Picasso painting, Rumer Willis has discovered that there are still plenty of uncultured beauty-hating haters out there who can’t handle her high-levels of cubist gorgeousness and she’s super pissed about it. Rumer recently hissed to Us Weekly that she was disappointed after she agreed to pose for New York-based designer Franziska Fox’s 2015 lookbook, only to discover that they had Photoshopped her to hell and back when it was released last month. THE AUDACITY! Rumer pulled out some press-ons and took a swipe at Franziska Fox like so:
“I think I would have felt very differently if I was a model who was hired to be a part of the brand. I get that there are certain things they want to change or whatever. But, if you’re hiring me to be a representative of your brand and you’re changing who I am – like drastically changing how I look [while] everybody knows how I look [by] taking away the muscle. I just thought it was odd, you know? My stylist told me about it and I was like, ‘Well, that’s fucked up.’ Then I immediately called my manager and said, ‘You know, this is unacceptable, because that’s not what I want to put out in the world and what I want to represent anyway.’”
I’m with Rumer on this one. When you hire Rumer Willis for a fashion shoot, you’re hiring the owner of the most Rumer Willis-y looking face in existence, and if you didn’t want all that red-hot chin, you should have gone with someone less visually gaw-juss. Besides, it’s next to impossible to excuse her beauty through Photoshop; there’s no de-tater tool strong enough to erase all that exquisite FACE. True tater beauty shines through!
But the most important take-away from all of this is: Rumer Willis isn’t a model? My whole world just turned upside down! What does Rumer do then? Exist solely as a gorgeous Russet goddess that was pulled from the dirt fields of Idaho? I’m sure that’s it.
And here are the Photoshopped pictures in question. If I were Rumer, the thing that would have pissed me off the most was putting me in a pair of pants that almost exposed my down-low tater-tot.
When a song called “Baby Love” came out in 1986, my ears immediately told me it was a Madonna song, because it sounded like a Madonna song and her voice sort of sounded like Madonna’s voice. We didn’t have MTV or anything like that back then so a lot of the time I never got to put a face to the voice (which is why for a little while I thought Taylor Dane was black). But “Baby Love” didn’t come out of the mouth of Madge. “Baby Love” was written and sung by Regina and she worked with one of Madge’s producers Stephen Bray on it which is why it’s kind of Madonna-ized.
Regina had the face of a Jane Wiedlin Precious Moments figurine, a hairstyle like Angelica’s Cynthia doll and dressed like a homeless woman who just came into a lot of money. “Baby Love” was her biggest hit and she had a few semi-dance hits after that, but she pretty much disappeared from the music stroll by the 90s.
Wikipedia says that Regina lives in Austin, TX with her pediatric neurosurgeon husband and her four kids.
Here’s hoping that every now and again, Regina puts all the hair ties and scrunchies in her hair, slips on a monster fur coat and sings “Baby Love” to her husband’s patients.
Katy Perry (30)
Rylan Clark (26)
Gillian Zinser (29)
Josh Henderson (33)
Mehcad Brooks (34)
Mariana Klaveno (35)
Bat for Lashes (35)
Craig Robinson (43)
Adam Goldberg (44)
Adam Pascal (44)
Chely Wright (44)
Mathieu Amalric (49)
Michael Boatman (50)
Tracy Nelson (51)
David Furnish (52)
Chad Smith (53)
Nancy Cartwright (57)
Helen Reddy (73)
Marion Ross (86)
Barbara Cook (87)
Possible ovaries exploding material: Jake Gyllenhaal got all fatherly while shooting scenes with a toddler for some movie. On a different note, is it just me or has his brows gotten bushier ever since he went the Matthew McConaughey route by losing a ton of weight for that Nightcrawler movie? That carousel horse needs to nibble down his brows a bit. Just a bit. – Lainey Gossip
Finally, some nice news: Hilary Swank does good things – Celebitchy
Err, the guy at the gas station who plumped up Naya Rivera’s lips with air went a little too far because bitch can’t close her mouth! - Drunken Stepfather
Heidi Montag is starting to look human again – Reality Tea
Ariana Grande Latte isn’t Venti-izing her chichis area – The Superficial
In “still working for those gay dollars” news, Nick Jonas plays a game of “Guess the Bulge?” – Towleroad
Carmen Electra’s dress looks like a losing game of Tetris and I would know because I played Tetris a lot and lost a lot – Hollywood Tuna
Danny DeVito shows up in a One Direction video and still manages to have better hair than all of those twinks – Time
Benadryl Cumberbund’s Beyonce strut looks like a T-Rex on coke trying to find a bathroom while having to piss really bad – HuffPo
A funny thing happened when Amanda Seyfried took her dog for a walk. She didn’t stop and mouth kiss him like she usually does – Popoholic
Okay, but I still want to hang that True Blood cast photo over my toilet – Pajiba
If you watch Gotham and have thought to yourself, “I wonder what The Riddler’s nalgas look like,” here’s your answer – OMG Blog
Homer is the greatest poet who has ever lived and no, I’m not talking about that Greek one – The Berry
Because we can’t close the chapter on Renee Zellweger’s current face until we’ve heard Heidi Montag’s thoughts about it, here’s Heidi Montag’s thoughts about it – Celebslam
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence still trusts Apple – Moe Jackson
That moment when you think to yourself, “DAMN that dude is hot,” and then realize it’s Kristen Stewart - Just Jared
That moment you mistake Ryan Gosling for Brad Pitt for a minute – Popsugar
The whole “Mama June dating a convicted child molester” situation was already ten layers of barf wrapped in twenty layers of shit and dipped in pure awful, but it gets worse and I didn’t think that was possible. TMZ says that Mama June’s eldest daughter, 20-year-old Anna “Chickadee” Cardwell, wants people to know that she was the one who was molested by her mom’s alleged boyfriend Mark McDaniel. This is your cue to heave your way over to a video of a cat sleeping on a red bell pepper.
TLC dumped Here Comes Honey Boo Boo in the trash bin today after they discovered information that proves that Mama June really is dating the piece of shit who spent 10 years in prison for molesting an 8-year-old girl. He got out of prison in March and Mama June has been seeing him ever since, allegedly. Mama June screamed “LIES!” and claimed she hasn’t seen him in 10 years, but TLC didn’t believe her after they found out she went shopping for a car for her child touching boyfriend.
TMZ says that at first, Anna believed her mom and thought it was just a made-up lie. But Anna started to get more and more information that made her believe that Mama June has been filling her ears with deep fried lies and has betrayed in the worst way by dating the trash who abused her. Anna is letting it be known that she’s the victim because she wants everyone to know that Mama June is fifty tons of pure evil.
Anna wants it known she’s the victim because it makes what her mom is doing all the more egregious. We’re told Anna feels her relationship with her mom has been destroyed, and the only way June can see her granddaughter is if McDaniel is nowhere to be seen.
Gawker says that Anna spent most of her life living with her memaw. Anna’s memaw raised her and she moved back in with Mama June to shoot the show. Anna gave birth to a girl on the show when she was 17 and earlier this year married a guy she was dating for 2 years.
I knew Mama June was trash, but I thought she was the good kind of trash. I will never ever trust scripted reality TV again!
Jesus, take the wheel, pick up Uncle Poodle, drive by June the Hutt’s lair of evil, throw Honey Boo Boo and her sisters in the car and drive far, far away. I mean, when you make Pimp Mama Kris and Kate Gosselin look like legitimate Mothers of the Year…
UPDATE: Anna tells Radar that her relationship with Mama June is pretty much dead.
“I believe she is seeing him and hanging around him. I’m hurt. I think me and Mama’s relationship may well be over.”
Radar also says Anna’s abuser didn’t go to prison for molesting her. That case was later dismissed. He went to prison for a different molestation case.
First things first, we need to talk about whoever at Billboard is responsible for that wonderful Usher pun. Usher in a new era. I love you. Your muffin basket is in the mail.
Usher recently spoke to Billboard about the tiny Canadian terror toddler he released into the world (aka Justin Bieber), specifically how their relationship has changed over the years. You see, when Usher first went to Canada to adopt the unruly gerbil, it was more of a big brother/little brother relationship. Usher took Justin under his wing and showed him the ropes. But then Justin turned 12 (or however old he is) and became a little shit, and started doing hoodrat stuff with his friends. Usher says that now that Justin has grown, their relationship is more “man-to-man” now, which has ushered in a new era where he ain’t afraid to whoop a trick if he steps out of line:
“He’s making his own decisions and it’s important to show support. I can say I’m not happy with all the choices my friend has made, but I’m supportive of him. I try my hardest to give as much positive reinforcement as I can. I’ll punch him in the fucking chest when I need to, and give him a hug and kiss when I need to. It’s more than just mentoring. I love the kid.”
I wonder which Justin likes more, getting a hug and kiss or taking one of Usher’s fists? My guess is the hug and the kiss, especially if they come with a lullaby sung through Usher’s beautiful dog whistle voice.
Either way, Usher and Justin’s new relationship sounds like some low-budget Beyond Scared Straight shit, and it kind of reminds me of the time I watched two teenage dirtbags attempt to fight each other at the end of my driveway. They started by blowing each other very aggressive air-kisses, which escalated to staring furiously into each others eyes, which escalated to one hissing “puta!” and poking at the other one’s chest. This went on for about 10 minutes and literally not one punch was thrown. It was so weird. Shit, maybe that was actually Justin and Usher! One did have a patchy little teen ‘stache.