Archives: October 2014

The Editor-In-Chief Of InStyle Might Have Let It Slip That Jessica Biel Is Knocked Up With A Timberfetus

October 31, 2014 / Posted by:

After appearing in public looking like she might have a timberbun in the oven and sources “claiming” that she’s currently renting her womb to a high-energy ramen-haired fetus, it seems like there’s a good chance Justin Timberlake might actually have gotten Jessica Biel pregnant. But like all good Hollywood attention-humpers, they’re won’t be ready to announce it until a six-figure check from People makes its way into their hands first.

Unfortunately, one of Jessica’s thunder-stealing friends might have broke the news before they got the chance to do it themselves on a magazine cover. According to Us Weekly, the Editor-in-Chief of InStyle Ariel Foxman posted a picture of Jessica and himself at the 2012 premiere of Total Recall to Instagram on Thursday with the caption: “Congrats @jessicabiel on your impending motherhood. Looking forward to the red carpet maternity style pix to come.” Then I guess he received a visit from Justin’s hired muscle Joey Fatone advising him to make that shit disappear, because he yanked the picture down and set his profile to private.

So who knows? Maybe Ariel Foxman isn’t actually tight with Jessica Biel, and he was simply assuming that if she looked knocked up she must be knocked up. Or maybe he’s just legitimately excited to see what a pregnant Jessica Biel stuffed into a gown will look like. Or maybe Ariel Foxman and Jessica Biel are frenemies from way back, and this is all Ariel’s way of exacting revenge for the time Jessica did him dirty by stealing his look or his man or something! That sly fox-man laid in wait for the opportunity for some devastating retribution, and what better way than stealing someone’s pregnancy announcement thunder? Oh Ariel, you sneaky bitch, you!

And Three Seconds Later, Brit Brit Spears Devoured Her Whole

October 31, 2014 / Posted by:

As soon as the International Cheetos Leagues comes out with a petition urging Katy Perry to apologize for appropriating their culture, I will co-sign that shit with all my emails.

Because celeb whores have enough cash to spend on several costumes, they started Halloween off a little early last night with Kate Hudson’s annual costume party in the Pacific Palisades. Everyone on IMDB went to that shit including the other Katy Hudson known to all of us as Katy Perry. Slutoween is amateur hour for Katy Perry, because most days of the year she’s got her magnificent chichis out and is done up in rhinestone-embedded fuckery. So for Halloween, she covered herself up and dressed up as a deliciously processed treat that you can only stomach for so long. The beauty of a Flamin’ Hot Cheetos costume is that it can be worn several times and can be passed off as something different each time.

If you want to go vintage, you can tell everyone that you’re dressed up as Chyna’s throbbing dick clit. If you want to bring the sex, you can tell everyone you’re dressed up as Carrot Top’s slightly curved, hard peen. If you want to be topical and controversial, you can tell everyone you’re dressed up as one of the flaming turds that fall out of Not The Mama June’s deep fried pie hole. If you want to be medical, tell everyone you’re dressed up as an anal fissure and if they ask, “What’s an anal fissure,” just say, “Okay, I’m Justin Bieber.” That costume can be almost anything. So well played, Katy.

There are risks, though. If you wear a Flamin’ Hot Cheetos costume out in public, there’s a really good chance that you’ll hear the sound of loud stomping and right after you hear someone scream, “GETS IN MAH BELLY, MISTUH CHEETOZ“, you’ll black out. You’ll wake up minutes later in Brit Brit’s gut. But don’t worry, she’ll eventually shit you out and after you sign a non disclosure, Daddy Spears will send you on your way with a pile of money and a take home bowl full of Velveeta grits.

Here’s more pictures of famous (and not-so-famous) people at Kate Hudson’s party including Kate, Goldie Hawn and their friends as Sluts of Anarchy, Rachel “Chupa” Zoe as a trash bag demon and Lily Allen as Dr. Luke (because she would).

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com, Instagram

Kelly Ripa And Michael Strahan Dressed Up As A Couple Of Brainless Zombies For Halloween

October 31, 2014 / Posted by:

I love that Live! with Kelly & Michael always takes Halloween so seriously, like they’re competing in the Halloween Hunger Games or something. And they should! Halloween is the most important holiday of the year (a close second being National Shrimp Scampi Day). So while the goons over at TODAY are celebrating Halloween by serving up some lazy SNL cringe-worthy realness, (shout out to Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb as a wine-drunk menopausal Wayne and Garth), Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan were practically popping a hernia to change into 6,748 different costumes. They did Orange Is The New Black! They did Downton Abbey! They did NBC’s Peter Pan Live! They did The Walking Dead! Meanwhile, I’m sitting here wrapped in a blanket with my second plate of cheese trying to convince myself that I’m dressed like Liz Lemon.

But their scariest look was when they dressed up as the gruesome fame-whore twosome, Kim and Kanye Kardashian. Kelly does a pretty good job as Kim – so dead in the eyes! But Michael’s Kanye could use bigger tits, and also a bit more deluded egotism. Although I do love the little attention to details, like the fact that neither of them are holding North West. It’s perfect! My only question is, how did they manage to move Kelly’s bellybutton from her stomach to her ass?

Here’s more of Kelly and Michael slaying Halloween by dressing up as fucking EVERYONE on Live! with Kelly & Michael this morning. My personal favorite? Michael Gelman as Alex! His eyebrow game needs a little work, but that’s nothing a quick hit of Sharpie can’t fix.

Pics: Facebook

Amanda Bynes Is Out Of The Hospital After She Was Released From Psychiatric Hold

October 31, 2014 / Posted by:

It was reported a few days ago that Amanda Bynes’ doctors were able to get a judge to approve an extra 30-day psychiatric hold, which meant that she’d stay in the hospital until next month. Well, some hearing officer took that 5150 hold and shat all over it, because she’s out of the hospital and is back on Twitter.

TMZ says that Amanda got in front of a hearing officer at the psychiatric facility she was in and asked to be released back into the wild after being in there for 2 weeks. That hearing officer’s title should be changed to hard-of-hearing-seeing-and-thinking officer, because they granted Amanda’s wish and let her sashay out the exit door. TMZ’s source says that Amanda was “lucid” in front of the hearing officer and he felt she was stable enough to make her own decisions. He pissed on the 30-day hold and approved her release. Even though Amanda has been taking meds, her doctors believe that she’s still in a bad way and needs a lot more treatment before facing the outside world.

Amanda was released right away and roamed Sunset Blvd. for a bit before going to a diner where she ordered a bunch of food. The server said that she came alone and “mumbled” to herself. TMZ says that after she ate, Amanda tried to get a room, but several hotels turned her away. Who knows where she ended up.

Amanda’s mom was able to get another conservatorship and I don’t know if that means she can go to court and force her daughter back into the hospital. She might only be able to control Amanda’s finances. I don’t know. The only thing I know about the law I learned while watching Judge Judy and Judge Judy hasn’t covered this sort of thing. Now if this story was about one of Amanda’s friends asking her to co-sign on a loan, I’d say, “Judge Judy says not to do it, Amanda!”

She (or someone pretending to be her) has been tweeting and deleting tweets all morning long. She once again claims that her dad abused her and says her parents worked with Sam Lutfi to get their hands on her money. She’s planning to take her parents to court to get control of her money again. She also tweeted (and deleted) that Sam Lutfi is evil. Well, she’s not wrong about that.

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Chelsea Handler Is Pissed At Instagram After They Yanked Down A Picture Of Her Bare Titties

October 31, 2014 / Posted by:

On Thursday night, everyone’s favorite drunk aunt Chelsea Handler decided to celebrate Halloween a day early by posting this terrifying picture of her recreating Vladimir Putin’s topless horsie ride by mounting a stallion with her vodka-filled titty bags out (sans Chunk’s disapproving face covering her nipple bits, of course) to Instagram with the caption:

Anything a man can do, a woman has the right to do better #kremlin

I guess Chelsea didn’t get the memo that Instagram is the internet’s uptight pearl-clutching titty-hating memaw, because E! says they took one look at her boobie buttons, screamed “SMUT ALERT!!!!“, and ripped it down. Since the only thing Chelsea loves more than chugging goon bags of angel tears (aka BOOZE) is whipping out her tits, she decided to take a swipe at Instagram’s prudish overlords by posting a screen grab of the no-titty notice they sent her when they threw her topless pony pic in the trash and hissing out the following:

If a man posts a photo of his nipples, it’s ok, but not a woman? Are we in 1825?

Cut to Scout Willis and Princess RiRi sending Chelsea a box of Empire cookies and a note that says “Welcome to the club! We meet every Wednesday at 7:30!

Instagram be tripping, because the uncensored picture isn’t even that scandalous. But if you really want to see Chelsea’s majestic bare titties, they’re hidden after the cut:

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

October 31, 2014 / Posted by:

Ben Cooper, Inc. – The masters of Halloween who ruled October 31st for decades!

For years and years and years, October 31st was practically National Ben Cooper Day, because trillions of children wore the company’s cheap, janky, ugly costumes. They didn’t cost much. You could buy one absolutely anywhere and they were easy to wear. Ben Cooper himself was a costume designer and in the 1930s he started his company when Halloween started to become a thing thing. Ben Cooper, Inc. bought licenses to produce costumes based on popular characters (Mickey Mouse, Snow White, etc…) and as the years went on, they continued to buy licenses and pretty much had a costume for hundreds of TV, movie and cartoon characters. Their presidential masks were apparently a huge seller, because nothing is scarier than that.

Ben Cooper continued to be the King of Halloween until the early 1980s when hysteria hit after people in the Chicago area began dying from taking cyanide-laced Tylenol. ¬†An evil doer or evil doers added lethal doses of potassium cyanide to capsules of Extra-Strength Tylenol. People bought the Tylenol not knowing that shit was death pills. The entire country freaked out thinking that the deranged murderers were going to start poisoning everything including Halloween candy. Some towns banned trick or treating. So instead of taking their kids out to collect potential death candy from strangers, parents threw Halloween parties. Ben Cooper’s flimsy ass apron and mask costumes didn’t cut it at the Halloween party. Costumes became a little more elaborate.

Ben Cooper still kept on, kept on and continued to sell costume stuff through the 1980s, but in 1988 they declared bankruptcy and a year later their factory burned to the ground. They were eventually bought out in 1992.

The 60s, 70s and really early 80s were the time to be a parent on Halloween. You could spend a few dollars on a Ben Cooper costume and call it a day. Who cares if that costume was highly flammable and if your kid got near a candle they’d turn into a human torch. Who cares if that Ben Cooper mask made your kid look like a serial killer and distributor of nightmares. Who cares about any of that! You didn’t have to spend your nights making them some dumb stupid costume so they could win some dumb stupid prize at a dumb stupid costume contest.

I never had a Ben Cooper costume as a kid (I know, I should turn my mom into CPS for depriving me of a classic), but I may get one now. I’ve got my eye on that She-Ra one in the gallery. I’ll just wear it with sweats while I lounge around the house. Or if I’m ever in the mood to rob a bank, I’ll have the perfect mask for it.

Happy National Ben Cooper Day, everyone!

Pics: Google, DoG, eBay, Flickr

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Birthday Sluts

October 31, 2014 / Posted by:

Vanilla Ice (47)
Tinkerbell Hilton (12)
Willow Smith (14)
Vanessa Marano (22)
Justin Chatwin (32)
Samaire Armstrong (34)
Eddie Kaye Thomas (34)
Piper Perabo (38)
Linn Berggren of Ace of Base (44)
Irina Pantaeva (47)
Ad-Rock (48)
Annabella Lwin (48)
Dermot Mulroney (51)
Johnny Marr (51)
Rob Schneider (51)
Larry Mullen Jr. (53)
Peter Jackson (53)
Brian Stokes Mitchell (57)
Jane Pauley (64)
Deidre Hall (67)
Stephen Rea (68)
David Ogden Stiers (72)
Sally Kirkland (73)
Ron Rifkin (75)
Dan Rather (83)
Lee Grant (88)

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Night Crumbs

October 30, 2014 / Posted by:

It’s An AHHHHHH Thing: Evil cyborg Martha Stewart’s got her eye on you, GoopyLainey Gossip

Lisa Kudrow is not about to take pictures of her smelly cat (sorry) – Celebitchy

Jerry O’Connell and Rebecca Romjin prove that Haunted House Hunters is a show that needs to exist in real life – Funny or Die

In other news, the National Guard has been called into McIntyre, GA after the gallons of shit falling out of June the Hutt’s mouth threaten to flood the region – Reality Tea

Another day, another set of pictures of Taylor Swift wearing a grandma’s drill team costume – Drunken Stepfather

Jake Gyllenhaal and Jimmy Fallon give each other facials – Towleroad

You’re the one that I DON’T want – The Superficial

Courteney Cox has the exact complexion of the candle burning next to me - Hollywood Tuna

Here’s Chloe Sevigny’s nipple, in case your eyes haven’t landed on that before – (NSWFish) WWTDD

Do you have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? I’m asking, because you and everyone else on Earth should’ve gotten one before Kaley Cuoco did – Popoholic

Bianca del Rio and Adore Delano FINALLY star in a Starbucks commercial – Popsugar

Lily Montgomery from All My Children is going to be in True Detective. I really hope this means that Erica Kane is going to be the third detective – Pajiba

The Robsten crazies will have to move their headquarters to London because Robert Pattinson is moving back there to be closer to FKA TwigsICYDK

Harpo, who dis woman, cause it can’t be Lindsay LohanThe Berry

Natalie Wood’s ghost is haunting her old boat. Makes sense – Defamer

Kate Moss > the rest – Just Jared

And I still would – Celebslam

Just like that, Monica Gellar has become my favorite FriendThe Frisky

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The Look Or Not The Look: St. Angie Jolie With A Parched Strawberry Blonde Wig On Her Head

October 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Dame St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt (no titles) are still in Malta shooting their own Eyes Wide Shut titled By The Sea and the other day a guest star made an appearance on her head. It’s nice to know that the dehydrated, thirsty, Pedialyte-needing creature that was on Beyonce’s head a little while ago grew outs its bangs, reinvented itself as a strawberry blond and found a new job on St. Angie’s head.

By The Sea takes places in the 70s, which is obviously why she looks like the 70s spit up all over her. St. Angie looks like a frazzled housewife circa 1974 who leaves her cheating politician husband after he’s involved in a cheating scandal and joins a cult that believes only weak humans eat food and superhuman get all their nourishment from eating air. Yes, I got all that from one picture and I haven’t even hit the bong yet. Since St. Angie wanted her character to go blond, she should’ve left that dead cat wig alone and brought back her greatest look of all-time. Her Life Or Something Like It look:

dollypartonblondewig

That sixth-rate Dolly Parton impersonator hair… Those faded Dracula brows… Now that is glamour. That IS the look.

Pics: FameFlynet

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