Dealing with the insane pressure of being a top-level dramatic mess of a fame whore while working tirelessly to come up with new and even-more shameless ways to pimp out her made-up relationship problems to the media has finally taken its toll on Tori Spelling. Multiple sources close to Tori have told TMZ that Donna Martin is having a nervous breakdown. Apparently Tori’s “Ebola scare” was as fake as her tits (SHOCKING, I know), and the real reason she checked herself into Cedars-Sinai last weekend was to deal with some heavy emotional shit.
The sources (let’s just for a moment pretend they weren’t actually Tori at a Cedars-Sinai payphone in a pair of Groucho glasses) claim that Tori is in a bad way because her marriage to The Beady-Eyed Canadian Sex Possum (aka The Deaner) is a fucking mess. The Deaner apparently tried to hire a nanny who Tori thought would put the kids at risk. He’s also been missing AA meetings. “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing ‘em!” – The Deaner.
Tori is also stressed the fuck out because she and The Deaner have no money. They’ve blown through her $800,000 inheritance, and she believes that both her television/movie career and reality fame whore days are over. The sources go on to say that she’s started faking illnesses to get attention (Ebola) but she’s faking too much and now she’s really sick. Just like she was totally maybe pregnant? Speaking of shamelessly trying to drum up some ratings for her reality show, Tori posted the above hospital selfie to Instagram yesterday with the following caption:
“This sick in hospital I finally see how quickly life can take it all away frm you. We all need 2 step up frm inside& go 4 it! W/our friends by our side. Sadly I’ve finally faced truth that 1 person will never be there 4 me #TrueTori“
Oh my god, I wonder who that 1 person could be??? Wait a minute…this Instagram comment that I totally didn’t just make up might explain things!
“@torispelling: What’s crappenin? U still in the hospital? Damn, u look like shit! Hey, is it cool if I swing by the ICU and grab some cash? The Deaner is running low on brewski funds and Poppa Possum be thirsty! Smell ya later! BTW – save me some Jello?“
No Tori! Don’t give him any of your hospital Jello! He doesn’t deserve it!
“We need to talk about your fixation with shit.”
“OK, pull up a stool.” – islandgirl
“Lucky for you, I have no morels” – WTFOMGLOL
Nosy Bears, the coked up teddy bears from the 80s!
Coke really was the bad shit of choice in the 80s and it was so big that even the teddy bears were snorting it up. The Nosy Bears were neon and pastel colored teddy bears with snow globe noses that came alive when you’d squeeze their bellies. Each drugged up, raver ass-looking Nosy Bear had a plastic globe nose with a scene in it. There was a Nosy Bear whose nose popped popcorn and a Nosy Bear whose nose had a little car in it. Ghost Of The Doll says they hit the toy store stroll in 1987 and were around until they retired (read: went to rehab) sometime in the 90s. Playskool, their creators, replaced them in the 90s with the Rolly Eyed Bears, bears with eyes that would light up and roll around every time you waved a glow stick in front of their faces (because coke was out and E was in). No, the Rolly Eyed Bears didn’t exist, sadly.
Warning: If you press the play button on the Nosy Bears commercial below, the song will snort its way into your brain and stay there all day. “They have a nose for fuuuuuh-uuuuuun….”
We know what the Lohan kids got every year for Christmas in the late 80s.
The Nosy Bears have been out of the spotlight for years, but it’s been reported that they recently turned up in Brazil at a Neves 4 Prez rally. They have a nose for fun and for Brazilian politics!
Pic: MLPTP (For Meagan)
Kevin Kline (67)
Shenae Grimes (25)
Wayne Rooney (29)
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VV Brown (31)
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Casey Wilson (34)
Zac Posen (34)
Ben Gillies (35)
Caprice Bourret (43)
Mary Bono (53)
B.D. Wong (54)
F. Murray Abraham (75)
Bill Wyman (78)
While wearing a dress that made her chichis royale look like the Transformers logo, Duchess Kate worked her third event in one week tonight. THE QUEEN better give her overtime, because this is ridiculous and I’m sure it’s breaking some labor laws – Lainey Gossip
Sad Keanu Reeves is sad that the mean studios aren’t calling him – Celebitchy
Teresa Giudice is going to the Orange is the New Black prison after all and please, please, please put her in the same room as Vee – Reality Tea
Christian Bale just burned all the clothes in his closet and replaced them with black turtlenecks and dad jeans, because he’s getting ready to play Steve Jobs – Time
Um, I thought Lindsay Lohan was really into Brazilian politics now. This selfie would’ve been better if “Neves 4 Prez” was written on her tits in coke – Drunken Stepfather
I guess The Avengers: Age of Ultron trailer is to nerds what the hooker episode of Golden Girls playing on the Hallmark Channel is to me – The Superficial
Olivia Munn giving you Dollar Tree Black Swan – Hollywood Tuna
Nick Jonas’ nipples are out again – Towleroad
Jessica Lange did Lana Del Rey on American Horror Story: ACCENTS! and sadly she didn’t do “Fuck My Way To The Top” – Jezebel
JLo’s ass comes out for We Day – Egotastic!
“Nananannanashutupshutupshutpnanannaa I’m not listening anannanaaaaaaa” – my mom after reading the Dr. Oz headline at the link – WWTDD
Lady CaCa wore period worm eyebrows on her face, because you know, it was Wednesday – ICYDK
Queen Aretha is too old and too seasoned for some stupid morning show shit – OMG Blog
More proof that Justin Timberlake probably rocked a baby into Jessica Biel’s body – Popsugar
And now, I’m blind – Popoholic
I’m still blind so I don’t know what this next link is about, but the sound of angry screams and pitchforks clinking against each other tells me it’s Kevin Hart in whiteface – SOW
The Bewitched TV reboot may just out-awful the Bewitched movie starring Nicole Kidman – Pajiba
FYI: Orlando Bloom isn’t licking Justin Bieber’s peen sweat off of Selena Gomez’s cooch – Just Jared
I recently watched a gay porn where one dude was giving another dude a facial and the dude getting a facial acted like cold, old oatmeal was going to come out of that dick. His mouth said, “Oh yeah, give it to me,” in a monotone voice, but his facial expression said, “Can we get this over with, because Scandal is on tonight and I want to stop at Trader Joe’s to get some wine.” If UsWeekly (via The Daily Mail) is telling the truth, then the Fifty Shades of Shit sex scenes are about as awkward and un-sexy as that gay porn scene I watched.
Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson were back in Vancouver last week for re-shoots (pictures below) and a source says they reshot a lot of the fuck scenes. The source says that in the original footage they shot, Dakota lies there like a week-old dead fish and the producers weren’t into it, because they’re making Fifty Shades of Grey, not The Kim Kardashian Story.
A source who works on the set told Us Magazine the original shots weren’t passionate and the directors were disappointed by the stars’ lack of chemistry. Another source accused Johnson of not playing her role “sexy enough”, and that her character should be “naive, not a dishrag.”
But a different source tells E! that producers are happy with the footage they have, but they just wanted more filler footage. Uh huh, I bet they wanted him to filler with his footage.
I thought that Anastasia Aluminum Foil chick was supposed to be a dish rag? I thought that if a fairy godmother appeared in your kitchen and turned that old dish rag under your sink into a human, it would look like, act like and be named Anastasia Steele. Isn’t she supposed to lie there like a snoring sloth as Christian Grey whips her with her tampon or whatever? If the producers want the movie’s sex scenes to be “passionate,” then methinks they hired the wrong actress. They should plop a mousey, dishwater brown wig onto the head of Dakota’s mother, Melanie Griffith, and get her to be her daughter’s sex scene double, because she knows how to do a sex scene. Better yet, they should flush all the footage they have into the toilet and reshoot the whole thing with Melanie and Don Johnson in the lead roles.
Anderson Cooper was in Ottawa last night to report on the horrific shootings at the National War Memorial and Parliament. He was not there to have a kiki and take selfies. Vandon Gene (which is now the scientific name for the douche gene), an aspiring journalist type for the Sun News Network, didn’t get that memo, I guess.
Mediaite says that Vandon saw The Silver Fox and thought it would be a really good idea to pull some Selfies At Serious Places foolery by asking him to take a picture together near the spot where a soldier was killed. Anderson firmly and sternly told him that he was being highly inappropriate and it’s not the time or place for stupid shit like selfies. When Anderson Cooper spanks you verbally in the ears, you shut your mouth and make a vow to never wash out your ear holes again because they’ve been slapped by the voice of The Silver Fox. Vandon didn’t shut his mouth. Instead he uploaded the video of The Silver Fox telling him off and then tweet whined about it.
Vandon tweeted (and later deleted) a tantrum stream of whiny tweets where he said that Anderson is an ass for “exploiting” the Ottawa tragedy and can’t believe The Silver Fox would criticize someone for asking for a photo. The Silver Fox sharpened his nails and scratched back on Twitter:
Vandon tweeted out an apology, but it was too late. The damage was already done. Or was it, because he obviously got all the attention he wanted.
Not even I would be that tacky, gross and trashy. I’d wait until he was done, follow him to his SUV and before he got in, I’d politely ask him for a picture. After he firmly shook his head no, told me to stop being trash and let me know that the restraining order is still in place, I’d softly say, “You’re right. I’m sorry. But can you please yell at me one more time?” That’s how you’re supposed to handle it. Have some decorum, VG.
Happy Hallo-what-in-the-fuck did I just watch??? To promote her upcoming “One Christmas Tour” (looks like I know what we’re doing for the Dlisted Christmas party this year), LeAnn Rimes released a 3-minute long Halloween-themed video, and it’s truly a nightmare-inducing NeverEnding American Horror Story MESS! I guess it’s called the “One Christmas” tour because after watching this video, you’ll celebrate one last Christmas with your family before they commit you to a mental hospital after you slowly go insane from the recurring nightmares of LeAnn’s terrifying evil clown smile from the 1:47 mark.
Normally I’d advise anyone to watch almost anything stoned out of their mind, but NOT THIS! It’s too fucking weird. It begins with LeAnn greeting trick-or-treaters dressed like a crazy-in-the-face slutty Aerobicicse unicorn. Then three elves (who I assume were hired by Brandi Glanville) home invade LeAnn’s ass and chase her around the house while the possessed demon squirrel cousins of Alvin and the Chipmunks sing out the names of the locations where LeAnn’s tour will be stopping.
Then shit turns into The Ring meets Law & Order: SVU meets HOLD ME CLOSE, JESUS when a bunch of creepy images start flashing while LeAnn tries to fight off her toy-making attackers. Oh, but it was all a dream! Or was it?? Either way, I need to see my therapist.
Esteemed scientist and voice of reason Jenny McCarthy once said that when she first hung out with Donnie Wahlberg she thought he was gay because he didn’t try to bone her right away. Donnie didn’t wet hump her right away because he wanted to get up to date on his shots, obviously. But when they finally did sex, she was so hypnotized by the beauty of his beautiful beautiful dick. On Watch What Happens Live (via E!) last night, a “caller” called in to ask the question we all ask ourselves before we go to sleep and when we wake up in the morning: “How has sex changed with Donnie?” Before we get into the answer that Jenny burped up, you know the “caller” was calling from the green room, because it was Jenny’s assistant who was forced to ask this question, because she wanted to let everyone know that she and Donnie’s fuck time fun is so powerful and amazing that it can cure autism.
Jenny used the question to tell us how beautiful Donnie’s dick is:
“Without a doubt, it gets better every single time I make love to him. First of all, he has the most beautiful penis I’ve ever seen in my life. But you know what it is, he knows how to [use it],”
Fellow guest Tom Bergeron needed a better visual, so he asked Jenny what she means by “beautiful” and she continued to spit up more TMIness:
“Sometimes they’re deformed-looking and sometimes they’re a different color that you’re not used to. Some are, like, purple. Some are pink. The size is perfect. I can’t get too descriptive. But, you know what I mean! It fits my vagina perfectly and hits the spots right. But the thing about it is…he makes love to a woman.”
So many “battering ram down a hallway” jokes, so little time.
But really, deformed dicks? The hell kind of CDC hall of fame dick has she had? I wonder if the peens were deformed before or after sexing Jenny? If they looked like that after, she can’t blame them. They obviously got deformed and sick-looking because they caught whooping cough and the mumps from her chocha.
Tracy Anderson, the little hard-bodied come-to-life Crank Yankers puppet that could, continued to be either the worst friend ever or the best internet troll alive when she posted an Instagram video of Gwyneth Paltrow doing the Sassy Corn Broom Shuffle in one of her rich lady jazzercise classes yesterday. This isn’t the first time we’ve seen Gwyneth awkwardly busting a goopy move with Tracy Anderson, but it’s definitely my favorite, because she sort of looks like the drunk chick at Dave & Buster’s who won’t get off the Dance Dance Revolution machine (there’s always a drunk mess hogging the DDR machine). She’s kick-ball-changing like the rent on her self-knitting organic backyard cashmere goat herd is due!
And it goes without saying, but if Gwyneth wants to learn how to really drop it like it’s hot, she should swap out Tracy Anderson for the Drunk Lord of the Dance herself, Laura Jeanne Poon.
I really love how Gwyneth puts her acting skills to good use by pretending to be surprised that someone was filming her dancing. Oh Gwyneth, you transparent trick! You’re dancing in your bra with your 6-pack coconut water abs out. The only thing more obvious would be if she were dancing to “Don’t Cha” by The Pussycat Dolls while Tracy held up a cardboard cut-out of Chris Martin for her to grind her bony butt against. “I’m still the hottest, right? RIGHT?!?”
Speaking of Goop and The Human Scarf, The Daily Mail seems to think there’s still some organic triple-filtered alkalinized romance water still flowing between them (ew). On Wednesday night, Goop and Coop took the Gooplets out for dinner, and Gwyneth was spotted touching Chris’s face before she headed back to Castle Goopskull in her car. TOUCHING??? FACE??? Sluuuuts. Come on Daily Mail, you should know better. Face touching isn’t love; that’s just some casual hit-it-and-quit-it action. Get it goopy! Touch that gentle face!