Archives: October 2014

Jackie And Kelso’s Baby Is Finally Here

October 1, 2014 / Posted by:

It felt like Mila Kunis was doing it Jessica Simpson style and was entering her 9th trimester, because it feels like I spent a piece of my 2013 and all of my 2014 looking at pictures of her carrying around a huge bundle of baby while looking absolutely miserable. I figured that her baby was stalling, because kid wasn’t ready to fully deal with the fact that their biological father wears outfits like that on a day that isn’t October 31st. But yesterday, baby said “fuck it” and came out.

TMZ says that early yesterday morning, Mila and Ashton Kutcher checked into Cedars-Sinai in L.A. Mila gave birth to a girl sometime yesterday Even though it felt like we were days away from seeing a 2-year-old’s leg hanging out of Mila’s cooch, TMZ says she delivered right on schedule. TMZ didn’t tell us anymore details like what their daughter’s name is (I’m going with Jacqueline Kelso Kunis Kutcher, JKKK for short), how much does their baby weigh (because this is REALLY important) and how many nurses did Ashton eye fuck.

Meanwhile, as Ashton’s brand new baby barfed on him for the first time as he rocked her to sleep, Demi Moore was in Costa Rica somewhere wiping vomit off of her dress after her barely legal boy toy drunkenly yacked on her while she gave him a lap dance to a Pitbull song at a club. United in baby barf. And I really hope Mila teaches her daughter Russian. Because if she does, that kid will sound really badass when she curses her daddy out in Russian after catching him sucking the nanny’s face in the laundry room.

Pic: Getty

Night Crumbs

October 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Wannabe model and former country star Taylor Swift is in British Vogue looking like Anybodys from West Side Story if Anybodys went to Sweet Valley HighLainey Gossip 

The new Real Housewives of Atlanta trailer is pure messiness from Mama Joyce talking about slapping Todd’s mom to Apollo coming at Phaedra Parks in the garage – Reality Tea

Emily Ratatattat says she’s a feminist, because her publicist told her to say she’s a feminist since “feminist” is the buzz word of choice amongst Hollywood types nowadays – Celebitchy

Lizzy Caplan and her Joan Crawford lite eyebrow situation in Elle CanadaDrunken Stepfather

Diddy says JLo’s ass is a work of art and her “talent” will go down in history. In possibly related news, scientists have just announced that massive amounts of Ciroc consumption causes brain damage – The Superficial

Hugh JackMeOff and Nigel Barker grab their dude parts in the name of charity – Towleroad

Lacey Chabert explains why she left Family Guy, a million years after the fact – WWTDD

Okay, but why is Rachel Bilson wearing my abuelita’s house cleaning dress from Tijuana? – Popoholic

Jessica Simpson should dock her husband/purse holder’s pay, because he’s not holding her purse in these pictures – Hollywood Tuna

A couple spent $30,000 on sex dolls they have threesomes with. That’s nice and everything, but why do those sex dolls look like if they could blink, they’d blink “HELP” in morse code – Jezebel

After looking at Kim Kardashian’s swiss cheese camel toe, I may never enjoy a Croque Monsieur again – ICYDK

Mary-Louise Parker is writing a tell-all about the dudes in her life and expect many wonderful chapters about how noted asshole Billy Crudup dumped her for Claire Danes while their baby grew in her body – Pajiba

One Matt Boner nipple and an order of Joe ManJello side tit coming up – Just Jared

Nick Jonas flaunts his hairy cum gutters in FlauntOMG Blog

Borat is going to be a father again – Popsugar

And yes, some gross fuck will definitely find a way to fap through American Horror Story: Freak Show’s opening credits – HuffPo

Please tell me they’re going to replace Alyssa Milano with Shannen Doherty on MistressesSOW

Taylor Swift sings an Adele song with help from a patient with leukemia – The Berry

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Open Post: Hosted By The Hot Pink Goddess Of L.A.

October 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Now I know how Brad Pitt feels. I feel like the richest man alive after inhaling this luxurious hot pink opulence.

The angelic hybrid of a Japanese Chin from the royal court and a Lil’ Miss Makeup doll made everyone cough up pink glitter in West Hollywood yesterday when she strolled into Trader Joe’s while wearing a hot pink crushed velvet dress and a flamingo’s pube bush stuck in her hair. I was born in California, grew up in California and have lived in California for most of my life, but I won’t feel like a real citizen of Los Angeles until I’ve witnessed Angelyne teeter on her cork wedges while carrying a box of Two-Buck-Chuck to her Corvette.

I have a Google Alert on Angelyne (because it is the law in California) and an article about these pictures from a Finnish site came up this morning. I really wanted to know what the Finnish media had to say about the pink star of Hollywood and so I passed the article through the 100% accurate translating program Google Translate and this is what came out:

All pissisten mother playfully appointed Angelyne is a familiar sight in Beverly Hills, and the paparazzi bongaavat from time to time from the street arrogant hairstyle to have pakkelikasvon roiskeläppähameessaan . Lady cause plenty of opinions both for and against .

Yesterday Angelyne happened to the paparazzi -term Entering the Trader Joesille in West Hollywood. As usual, Angelyne was dressed really räväkästi .

The 1980s, millions of men in order to become a symbol of Angelyne often occur in public places outfits , which even Lady Gaga could be openly jealous. Female became famous mainostettuaan themselves in large advertisements in Hollywood. Angelyne has starred as himself several reality shows, and also received a few minor actor roles. He is best known today that Madame has conducted himself too many plastic surgery.

That is the truest article about Angelyne I’ve ever read. Lady DOES cause plenty of opinions and is always dressed really räväkästi. But I do disagree with them about one thing. Madame has not conducted himself too many plastic surgery. Madame hasn’t conducted any plastic surgery. Madame is a natural beauty!

Pics: Splash

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Being A Father Makes Brad Pitt, A Rich Man, Feel Like The Richest Man Alive

October 1, 2014 / Posted by:

I see Psychologies Magazine subtly coming at newlywed Brad Pitt by putting that “Why do you really want to get married?” cover line next to him.

In case you didn’t already know, Brad Pitt and St. Angie Jolie have kids. Like some people who have kids, they love their kids and really, really, REALLY, really love talking about how much they love their kids. Brangie is that bitch on Facebook who posts cheesy open poems to their baby who can’t read yet and always goes on about how they’re thinking of having their angel son’s DNA tested because they’re beginning to think he’s the biological child of the sun, moon and stars. But since St. Angie and Brad aren’t on Facebook (that us peons know of)  they have to drool about being parents during interviews. The world is their Facebook.

While talking to Psychologies Magazine (via E! News) about his new movie Fury, Brad Pitt dribbled out verbal streams of syrupy love about being a father.

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Two Of Justin Bieber’s Former Toddler-Faced Diaper Changers Hung Out At Paris Fashion Week

October 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Paris Fashion Week is happening right now (RIGHT NOW! GET IN THE CHOPPAH!), which means that lots of famous hos have flown to France for the week. Obviously when there are that many famous people in one place, you’re bound to bump into someone you share a penis ride or two with. For example, the most common words spoken backstage at every fashion show are “You let Leo DiCaprio drunk-bang you on a yacht too?” And sometimes if you’re really lucky, there’s a photographer close by to capture the awkward moment two side-pieces are forced to pretend they don’t totally hate each other’s guts. Like on Wednesday, when toddler-faced panty model Miranda Kerr ran into toddler-faced singer Selena Gomez at the Louis Vuitton show. It’s like the basic bitch fetus-faced version of “The Boy Is Mine“!

In case you’ve forgotten, shit is toddler-tense because Miranda once maybe-humped on come-to-life teen ‘stache Justin Bieber while he was maybe still with Selena, so she decided to get revenge by maybe-humping on Miranda’s ex-husband Orlando Bloom. Then Orlando tried to fight Justin at a club in Ibiza. Basically it was a four-way loser square of losers (especially Orlando, who should have gone into witness protection after getting involved with this trash). But just like every bad decision that comes back to haunt your ass, Justin and Orlando’s former drama-starting side-pieces crossed paths in Paris. And God sent us an angel from Heaven to capture it forever, because God is clearly real and loves us very much. The only thing that would have been better is if Justin (who is in Paris right now) had been at the Louis Vuitton show too, but he was too busy punching paps like the spoiled baby shitbag he is.

Besides, he probably would have been too smitten with the toddler-face in the middle (aka Odeya Rush from The Giver) to even notice Miranda and Selena. “Scooter! Bring my Power Wheels around to the front of the hotel and have the good people at Charles E. Fromage prepare my table with their most expensive bottle of sparkling grape juice. I believe I’ve found a new fetus-faced angel to woo.”

Here’s more of Selena and Miranda before their show-down at the LV show:

Pics: Getty, Splash

Big Brother’s Evel Dick Is HIV Positive

October 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Dick “Evel Dick” Donato, one of Big Brother’s most popular villains, won the show during its 8th season in 2007 and came back 4 years later for the 13th season. Six days into the 13th season, Evel Dick played the “I QUIT THIS BITCH” card by walking out of the house. The viewers and houseguests were told that Dick had an emergency personal issue he had to deal with. Dick never said what that personal issue was, but on tonight’s episode of Vh1′s Couples Therapy, he tells Dr. Jenn and the rest of the cast that he is HIV positive and he found out while he was in the Big Brother house.

To promote that episode, Evel Dick talked to People Magazine about the moment he found out he has HIV and why he’s going public.

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Amanda Bynes Might Have Gotten Kicked Out Of School For Paying Other Students To Do Her Homework

October 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Go ahead and throw on your well-worn DVD copy of Hairspray and fast-forward to all the Penny Pingleton parts (I’ll forgive you if you stop on any scene of John Travolta in busted drag, because, obviously) and start thinking some happy thoughts. Sydney White could use them.

We all know that Amanda Bynes is currently in a bad way, and according to TMZ, Amanda’s problems might have started a couple months ago when she was still in fashion school. Several of Amanda’s former classmates at the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising snitched to TMZ and said that Amanda didn’t actually fail out of fashion school, but that she was kicked out for cheating and being a weed-smoking mess. One student claims Amanda would always show up late and high (okay, so just like 99.9999% of the students at every college ever, go on) and would laugh her ass off in class or start fights with people.

But that’s if she even showed up; students say Amanda was constantly ditching class. Skipping school made her fall behind, so she started paying other students to do her work for her. Eventually she was caught cheating off someone during a test, and FIDM was like “Bye Felicia” and told her to go home. That’s when she went home, packed up her shit at her parent’s house, and moved out to wherever she is living now. I know I said it yesterday, but it bears repeating: AMANDA, CALL YOUR PARENTS!

I understand taking shit for cheating and paying other people to do your work for you – that’s a major no-no. But throwing shade at her for getting high before class? Esscuse me?? Did everyone at FIDM forget that they go to college? I went to art school, and I barely remember a class where I didn’t show up late/high/drunk/half-asleep/eating a whole pizza. I’m pretty sure it was in the syllabus! “Please arrive at least 30 minutes late reeking of weed and tacos, because  – DUH – you’re in college.”

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Doctors Say That Tracy Morgan May Never Perform Again

October 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Yesterday, Walmart showed their low-down dirty, evil asses when they partly blamed Tracy Morgan for his injuries, because they’re trying to settle for as little as possible and shareholders will be really sad if the gigantic pool of gold coins they dive into every morning Scrooge McDuck-style doesn’t splash as much due to it being drained of gold coins to pay Tracy’s settlement with. Walmart’s lawyers said that if Tracy was wearing a seatbelt during the crash, he wouldn’t be in a bad way today. New Jersey law states that everyone riding in any kind of passenger vehicle must wear a seatbelt. Tracy immediately responded to Walmart pointing the finger at him. I put Tracy’s response in my post yesterday, but I’ll throw it up again here. I’m kind of disappointed that Tracy didn’t accuse the Walmart executives of being pigeons and shifty-eyed bunny rabbits in their past lives:

“After I heard what Walmart said in court, I felt I had to speak out. I can’t believe Walmart is blaming me for an accident that they caused. My friends and I were doing nothing wrong. I want to thank my fans for sticking with me during this difficult time. I love you all. I’m fighting hard every day to get back.”

Tracy’s lawyer, Benedict Morelli, told Page Six yesterday that his injuries are so bad that he may never perform again. Tracy is undergoing serious rehab including “daily speech, cognitive, vocational and physical therapies.” “The jury is still out” on Tracy performing again says Benedict. He doesn’t know and doctors don’t know. Benedict also went in on Walmart:

“These people are despicable. They knew that they changed these people’s lives forever and killed somebody. They’re good blame shifters. I guess that’s how they make $783 billion a year, shifting the blame.”

Benedict added that Tracy is doing everything he can to comeback and so far he’s lost out on many jobs including a TV show and a movie.

Yeah, I know that Walmart’s lawyers are just doing their jobs and Tracy’s lawyer is doing his job by telling the press that he may never work again. If Tracy isn’t ever able to perform again, then Walmart may have to pay him for all the money he would’ve made if he was able to perform. Walmart is trying to rollback the price of the settlement and Tracy’s lawyer is trying to roll it forward. And how much will it affect the settlement amount if we find out that the movie Tracy wasn’t able to do was Who Dat Ninja 3: Dat Ninja Be Me? If you put a price on the world missing out on a Who Dat Ninja movie, the price would be $783 billion, give or take.

Ariana Grande Latte Says That Being Compared To Mariah Carey Is A “Great Honor” (Uh Huh)

October 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen here doing lazy Butterfly-era Bratz doll drag, Ariana Grande (aka Frankie Grande’s mega mega pop star sister) recently told Us Weekly that even though there’s a rumor going around that simply uttering the name Mariah Carey around her precious mega pop star ears will make her jump you from behind and try to choke you out with her polyester ponytail, it’s totally not true! Her Royal Highness Princess Ponytail loves Mariah Carey and she loves when you refer to her as the bratty low-budget mall version of Mimi!

“Mariah has been a huge influence on me since I was a little girl. I’ve even done a cover of one of her songs. I don’t think there are any negatives to being compared to one of the greatest vocalists of all time. It’s honestly a great honor.”

I hope Weavearella has a good dentist, because she probably broke 7 teeth clenching her jaw too hard when she said that. “It. Is. A. Great. Honor (crunch crunch crunch).” But really, there’s no way that’s actually what Ariana Grande said. It’s not dripping with entitled polyester cunt fumes and arrogant baby stripper smugness. It’s like a bad translation. Thankfully I’m fluent in Toddler Bullshit, so this is probably closer to what she originally said:

“Mariah has been a huge influence on me since I was a lil’ sexy fetus practicing my stripper moves in my mom’s womb, aka she is super old. I’ve covered one of her songs, but just one, because I’d feel bad upgrading everything she’s ever done. I don’t think there are any negatives to being compared to her, but then again, I haven’t really given it much thought, because I’m too busy being a mega mega pop star.”

There, that sounds more like her! All that’s missing is the Baby Lucifer look in her eyes that says “Oh, you WILL pay for asking me about she-who-must-not-be-named. FRANKIE! Come here and bring a balaclava that will fit over all your dumb hair – I have a job for you.

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