If you haven’t mainlined your usual morning mixture of Folgers and Red Bull yet, you probably jumped onto Fandango to immediately buy tickets to Gone Girl, because you read that headline as “The Aflac Duck Has A Cameo In ‘Gone Girl’” and that sold you! Sadly, the Aflac Duck isn’t in Gone Girl, but Ben Affleck’s bare dick is. Maybe.
For years, some of us peen-hungry, easy-to-please, hard-up, thirsty, desperate cock sluts have been screaming about how Hollywood needs to evolve and fully embrace equality by giving us more dick on screen. We’re always slapped in the eyes with titties and it’s about time we’re slapped in the face with some IMAX peen. David Fincher heard our slobbery cries and put two dicks in Gone Girl. Yes, those dicks are attached to Ben Affleck and Neil Patrick Harris, but us peen-hungry, easy-to-please, hard-up, thirsty, desperate cock sluts take what we can get. During an interview with MTV News, Ben was asked if his dick makes its feature film debut in Gone Girl and he squirted this out:
“I try to get it in every movie. It’s ironic, because David said to me from the beginning, this is a warts and all movie. It can have no vanity. You have to see the naked underbelly of this character.
“There’s some brief, ah, very brief nudity, I think. The penis is in there! It’s IMAX penis! You’ve gotta pay fifteen bucks to see it in 3D… it’s better in 3D. You should know it was very cold.”
Some people who have seen the movie say that their retinas definitely got brushed with the tip of Doogie’s dong, but they didn’t see the Affleck dick. Others say that you definitely see it. The ones who claim to have seen it gave almost no details. Does it curve to the left? Does it curve to the right? Is it as limp as his personality or as stiff as his acting? Is it a churro or is it more like a burrito?
So if you go to a showing of Gone Girth (Freudian slip and it stays) on Friday night and during Ben’s shower scene, you hear a hysterical gay guy in the audience screaming at the projector booth, “PAUSE THIS SHIT! SHIT, YOU DIDN’T PAUSE IT! GO BACK. WE HAVE TO GO BACK. REWIND! PAUSE! THAT’S THE SPOT. NOW BRING UP THE BRIGHTNESS,” it’ll most likely be me. But if I really, really want to know everything there is to know about Ben Affleck’s peen, I should just walk into any casino and talk to the call girls.
Here’s Ben outside of The Daily Show in NYC yesterday.
When it was announced a week ago that Amber Rose was quitting her marriage to Coolio Jr. Wiz Khalifa, I knew it was only a matter of time before this shit got more dramatic than a prime time French Canadian soap opera during sweeps week. First Wiz was cheating! Then Amber was cheating! Then Amber became a millionaire! Then Baby Sebastian kissed his Frère André medal and dramatically shouted “Oh mon Dieu!” (he didn’t, but he would if he was on a show called Grand Amour de Cul, aka “Great Big Butt Love”).
And now we know a little bit more about the types of women Wiz was passing his skinny cheater penis to. According to one of Amber’s close friends, Hot 97′s Peter Rosenberg (via Page Six), Amber and Wiz always had problems, but she didn’t have confirmation he was stepping out on her until she stepped in on him in the middle of a three-way with two twin sisters, fashion designers Jass and Ness Rose. Rosenberg claims Amber caught Cheez Whiz cheating on her at their second home. I hope she screamed “Sisters fucking sisters? Ew, Jass Ness-ty!” when she caught them.
Rosenberg also went on to say that Amber would NEVAH cheat on Clifford the Muppets’ illegitimate son, or anyone for that matter, because she’s a “smart-ass, savvy businesswoman”, aka she always abides by the Gold Diggers Creed (“Don’t be a dummy, bitch get that money“).
Well, at least now we know Wiz Khalifa has a type, and that type is fuck parts attached to people with the surname Rose. Axl and Charlie, look out – you’re next!
Jessica Simpson is pregnant again. - Jill Valentine
Here’s to a very blessed and joyous birthday, with many years to come.”
Your friend, Jennifer Lawrence – Scollywoggs
The Wacky Wallwalker!
That thing up there that looks like the ballsack that found a way to grow legs and run off of Bruce Jenner’s crotch as soon as Pimp Mama Kris stared at it with her demonic castration glare IS a Wacky Wallwalker and it had a big moment in the 80s. Back then, some of us kids were entertained for hours by throwing sticky crap at the wall before watching it slide down. It was next level “watching paint dry.” I remember them coming as “the prize” in cereal boxes and you could also get them at places like Chuck E. Cheese. There was absolutely nothing to them. You’d throw them at the wall and amazement would fill you as you watched it roll down the wall. You know how bitches make fun of cats for staring at walls for hours? In the 80s, cats made fun of us for staring at walls for hours.
Wikipedia tells me that Ken Hakuta, American inventor and the host of some 80s children’s show I’ve never heard of called The Dr. Fad Show, brought the Wacky Wallwalker to the US after his mother sent some to his kids from Japan. In Japan, they called it Tako. Ken Hakuta bought the rights in 1983 for just $5,000 and by the end of the 80s, that $5,000 became $80 million and over 240 million of them had been sold. Everyone had at least one and you couldn’t walk ANYWHERE without a sticky ball flying in front of your face (“You just described my idea of heaven” – John Travolta)
At the end of this Corn Pops commercial, you can relive the wonder of the Wacky Wallwalker (which sounds like the name of a weed strain I’ve smoked before).
Those sticky, creepy octopus things would eventually get covered in hair and all kinds of other shit and lose their stickiness. Most dirty balls I’ve come into contact with lose their stickiness when you wash them, but not the Wacky Wallwalker. Once you washed the carpet shit off of them with soap and water, they sort of got their stickiness back and would bring more hours of entertainment. Oh, the 80s were simpler times when everyone would get entertainment out of watching a load of stickiness slide down a wall and I’m going to show myself out before I really ruin everything for everyone by making another Travolta joke.
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