Archives: October 2014

Open Post: Hosted By The German Queen Of Slutoween

October 31, 2014 / Posted by:

These inspirational pictures of Germany’s official country flower and my idol Micaela Schaefer are a week old, but I’ve been saving them for this special day. It’s only right to worship the Queen of Slutoween on the actual day.

Not a day goes by when Germany’s answer to Duchess Kate (I know, that’s not a fair comparison since Micaela is way more classy and captivating than DK) isn’t posing 95% naked at Brandenburg Gate in Berlin. But last week, she outdid herself by dressing up as a three-tittied snail woman in intergalactic hooker boots and a delicate autumn leaf poon pasty for Halloween. I don’t know what I just wrote there and I don’t know what Germany’s Patron Saint of Elegance is supposed to be. But I do know she delivered and then some.

Leave it to Micaela Schaefer to show everyone how it’s really done. Why bother with a stupid costume and all that fabric? All you need is a wooden snail beaver backpack thing, white ribbon, exquisite stripper boots, an autumn leaf, some double-sided twat tape, a shoddy, discount plastic third tit and an air of confidence that lets everyone around you know that yes, they are staring at the new definition of perfection and no, they will never ever lay eyes on anything as perfect as you.

Everyone should just stay home in their sweats this weekend and wallow in a puddle of defeat, because Micaela Schaefer won the top Slutoween prize already. No other entries are needed.

Happy Hallowpeen all! And in case you haven’t already figured out that every Micaela Schaefer gallery is NSFW, these pictures are NSFW.

Pics:, Splash

Lindsay Lohan And Her Brother Are Being Sued By A Former Business Partner For $60 Million

October 31, 2014 / Posted by:

LOL! $60 million? I barely have $60! Speaking of which, can I borrow $60? I need it for…a thing.

Nearly two months ago, Lindsay Lohan and her younger brother Michael Jr. were slapped with a cease-and-desist letter by their former business partner Fima Potik after he discovered that shortly after he parted ways last year, those shady idea-stealing siblings had taken his concept for a virtual shopping app called Spotted Friend and launched their own called Vigme. But since the only thing the Lohans know how to cease-and-desist is sobriety, Michael Jr. kept Vigme up and running.

Now Page Six is saying that Fima Potik wasn’t playing, and he’s hit the Apricot Ashtray and her baby brother with a $60 million lawsuit. Potik filed papers in Manhattan on Thursday, and claims that LiLo and MiJu stole his trade secrets and some big-name advisors (like Ariana Huffington) to start a competing business. He also claims they had access to the Spotted Friend software and a beta version of the app. And now he wants $60 million dollars from LiLo. “Get in line!” shouted every one of LiLo’s dealers.

Well, good luck with that lawsuit, Fima! While you’re at it, why not sue Santa Claus for $80 billion and The Snorks for eleventy trillion dollars, because that makes about as much sense as suing a freckled deadbeat like Lindsay Lohan for $60 million. Where does he think that $60 million is going to come from? Oprah? As if! Oprah will be all “Blohan…Blohan…nope, never head of her“, before quietly slipping him a pity-stack containing $10,000 and a Chili’s gift card, and whispering “Here, take this. I understand what you’re going through – I’ve made the mistake of working with her too.”

Not A Dry Cumberbitch In The House: Benedict Cumberbatch Thinks Sherlock Would Be A Sex King In Bed

October 31, 2014 / Posted by:

If the whole being “the alien lizard sex god of Tumblr and beyond” doesn’t work out for Bentducttape Cummyrash he can always get a full-time job as a Sherlock Holmes soft-core fanfiction writer, because he’s got it down. I don’t watch the BBC’s Sherlock Holmes, because I prefer my Sherlock in a more classical setting and for me, it’s not close enough to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s original stories. That is why I only watch the gay porn parody Surelick Homos. But I have read that Benedict’s Sherlock never sticks his shercock in anybody and he’s pretty much a-sexual. During an interview with Elle UK, Benedict and the interviewer got into talking about what Sherlock would be like during fuck times.

The interviewer thinks that Sherlock would be a dud in bed, but B. Cums thinks the exact opposite. B. Cums convinces the interviewer by getting detailed. He’s obviously thought about this a lot. He starts off by saying how he’d prepare for the sex and what the condom fitting would be like:

Oooh… You know I’d get the, I’d probably test the latex, if it involved prophylactics, beforehand.

I’d do a little experiment to do with durability, length, girth, and um, strength. And um, I would probably take a lot of vitamin supplements to make sure that I could perform, and had had my sleep, and probably not had many cigarettes. Or drink, for that matter. Not that he does drink.

Is he preparing to fuck or preparing for surgery? Damn. And then he goes on to describe lizard cunnilingus and finger banging amphibian-style.

And then I would be devastating. I’d know exactly how to please a woman, I’d know exactly where to put my fingers, where to put my tongue, where to put my – his I should say – his fingers, his tongue. Think about violinists, think about what they can do with their fingers.

And I’d know exactly how to get that person into it, and get pleasure out of making that person feel pleasure to the point that I probably wouldn’t even have to enter…

But when I did it would be explosive.

I’m sure the coochies of the Cumberbitches are still spitting out steam after reading this, but I don’t know why. So what he’s saying is that Sherlock’s piece has to lie around and wait as he methodically tries on condoms like he’s trying on a tuxedo for his wedding day. After that, she’d have to wait some more as he takes some Centrum, gives himself a B12 shot, takes a power nap and plays the Rocky theme song while giving his dick a pep talk. Finally, he’d give her some tongue and finger love and after all of that, he’d stick in the tip of his hemipenis for a second before cumming. 3 hours of pre-sex warming up, 1 hour of foreplay and 10 seconds of dicking. That’s what I got from this. So in other words, Benedict thinks Sherlock is surely a cock tease.

I want to know what Robert Downey Jr. thinks of this.

The Editor-In-Chief Of InStyle Might Have Let It Slip That Jessica Biel Is Knocked Up With A Timberfetus

October 31, 2014 / Posted by:

After appearing in public looking like she might have a timberbun in the oven and sources “claiming” that she’s currently renting her womb to a high-energy ramen-haired fetus, it seems like there’s a good chance Justin Timberlake might actually have gotten Jessica Biel pregnant. But like all good Hollywood attention-humpers, they’re won’t be ready to announce it until a six-figure check from People makes its way into their hands first.

Unfortunately, one of Jessica’s thunder-stealing friends might have broke the news before they got the chance to do it themselves on a magazine cover. According to Us Weekly, the Editor-in-Chief of InStyle Ariel Foxman posted a picture of Jessica and himself at the 2012 premiere of Total Recall to Instagram on Thursday with the caption: “Congrats @jessicabiel on your impending motherhood. Looking forward to the red carpet maternity style pix to come.” Then I guess he received a visit from Justin’s hired muscle Joey Fatone advising him to make that shit disappear, because he yanked the picture down and set his profile to private.

So who knows? Maybe Ariel Foxman isn’t actually tight with Jessica Biel, and he was simply assuming that if she looked knocked up she must be knocked up. Or maybe he’s just legitimately excited to see what a pregnant Jessica Biel stuffed into a gown will look like. Or maybe Ariel Foxman and Jessica Biel are frenemies from way back, and this is all Ariel’s way of exacting revenge for the time Jessica did him dirty by stealing his look or his man or something! That sly fox-man laid in wait for the opportunity for some devastating retribution, and what better way than stealing someone’s pregnancy announcement thunder? Oh Ariel, you sneaky bitch, you!

And Three Seconds Later, Brit Brit Spears Devoured Her Whole

October 31, 2014 / Posted by:

As soon as the International Cheetos Leagues comes out with a petition urging Katy Perry to apologize for appropriating their culture, I will co-sign that shit with all my emails.

Because celeb whores have enough cash to spend on several costumes, they started Halloween off a little early last night with Kate Hudson’s annual costume party in the Pacific Palisades. Everyone on IMDB went to that shit including the other Katy Hudson known to all of us as Katy Perry. Slutoween is amateur hour for Katy Perry, because most days of the year she’s got her magnificent chichis out and is done up in rhinestone-embedded fuckery. So for Halloween, she covered herself up and dressed up as a deliciously processed treat that you can only stomach for so long. The beauty of a Flamin’ Hot Cheetos costume is that it can be worn several times and can be passed off as something different each time.

If you want to go vintage, you can tell everyone that you’re dressed up as Chyna’s throbbing dick clit. If you want to bring the sex, you can tell everyone you’re dressed up as Carrot Top’s slightly curved, hard peen. If you want to be topical and controversial, you can tell everyone you’re dressed up as one of the flaming turds that fall out of Not The Mama June’s deep fried pie hole. If you want to be medical, tell everyone you’re dressed up as an anal fissure and if they ask, “What’s an anal fissure,” just say, “Okay, I’m Justin Bieber.” That costume can be almost anything. So well played, Katy.

There are risks, though. If you wear a Flamin’ Hot Cheetos costume out in public, there’s a really good chance that you’ll hear the sound of loud stomping and right after you hear someone scream, “GETS IN MAH BELLY, MISTUH CHEETOZ“, you’ll black out. You’ll wake up minutes later in Brit Brit’s gut. But don’t worry, she’ll eventually shit you out and after you sign a non disclosure, Daddy Spears will send you on your way with a pile of money and a take home bowl full of Velveeta grits.

Here’s more pictures of famous (and not-so-famous) people at Kate Hudson’s party including Kate, Goldie Hawn and their friends as Sluts of Anarchy, Rachel “Chupa” Zoe as a trash bag demon and Lily Allen as Dr. Luke (because she would).

Pics: Splash,, Instagram

Kelly Ripa And Michael Strahan Dressed Up As A Couple Of Brainless Zombies For Halloween

October 31, 2014 / Posted by:

I love that Live! with Kelly & Michael always takes Halloween so seriously, like they’re competing in the Halloween Hunger Games or something. And they should! Halloween is the most important holiday of the year (a close second being National Shrimp Scampi Day). So while the goons over at TODAY are celebrating Halloween by serving up some lazy SNL cringe-worthy realness, (shout out to Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb as a wine-drunk menopausal Wayne and Garth), Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan were practically popping a hernia to change into 6,748 different costumes. They did Orange Is The New Black! They did Downton Abbey! They did NBC’s Peter Pan Live! They did The Walking Dead! Meanwhile, I’m sitting here wrapped in a blanket with my second plate of cheese trying to convince myself that I’m dressed like Liz Lemon.

But their scariest look was when they dressed up as the gruesome fame-whore twosome, Kim and Kanye Kardashian. Kelly does a pretty good job as Kim – so dead in the eyes! But Michael’s Kanye could use bigger tits, and also a bit more deluded egotism. Although I do love the little attention to details, like the fact that neither of them are holding North West. It’s perfect! My only question is, how did they manage to move Kelly’s bellybutton from her stomach to her ass?

Here’s more of Kelly and Michael slaying Halloween by dressing up as fucking EVERYONE on Live! with Kelly & Michael this morning. My personal favorite? Michael Gelman as Alex! His eyebrow game needs a little work, but that’s nothing a quick hit of Sharpie can’t fix.

Pics: Facebook

Amanda Bynes Is Out Of The Hospital After She Was Released From Psychiatric Hold

October 31, 2014 / Posted by:

It was reported a few days ago that Amanda Bynes’ doctors were able to get a judge to approve an extra 30-day psychiatric hold, which meant that she’d stay in the hospital until next month. Well, some hearing officer took that 5150 hold and shat all over it, because she’s out of the hospital and is back on Twitter.

TMZ says that Amanda got in front of a hearing officer at the psychiatric facility she was in and asked to be released back into the wild after being in there for 2 weeks. That hearing officer’s title should be changed to hard-of-hearing-seeing-and-thinking officer, because they granted Amanda’s wish and let her sashay out the exit door. TMZ’s source says that Amanda was “lucid” in front of the hearing officer and he felt she was stable enough to make her own decisions. He pissed on the 30-day hold and approved her release. Even though Amanda has been taking meds, her doctors believe that she’s still in a bad way and needs a lot more treatment before facing the outside world.

Amanda was released right away and roamed Sunset Blvd. for a bit before going to a diner where she ordered a bunch of food. The server said that she came alone and “mumbled” to herself. TMZ says that after she ate, Amanda tried to get a room, but several hotels turned her away. Who knows where she ended up.

Amanda’s mom was able to get another conservatorship and I don’t know if that means she can go to court and force her daughter back into the hospital. She might only be able to control Amanda’s finances. I don’t know. The only thing I know about the law I learned while watching Judge Judy and Judge Judy hasn’t covered this sort of thing. Now if this story was about one of Amanda’s friends asking her to co-sign on a loan, I’d say, “Judge Judy says not to do it, Amanda!”

She (or someone pretending to be her) has been tweeting and deleting tweets all morning long. She once again claims that her dad abused her and says her parents worked with Sam Lutfi to get their hands on her money. She’s planning to take her parents to court to get control of her money again. She also tweeted (and deleted) that Sam Lutfi is evil. Well, she’s not wrong about that.


Chelsea Handler Is Pissed At Instagram After They Yanked Down A Picture Of Her Bare Titties

October 31, 2014 / Posted by:

On Thursday night, everyone’s favorite drunk aunt Chelsea Handler decided to celebrate Halloween a day early by posting this terrifying picture of her recreating Vladimir Putin’s topless horsie ride by mounting a stallion with her vodka-filled titty bags out (sans Chunk’s disapproving face covering her nipple bits, of course) to Instagram with the caption:

Anything a man can do, a woman has the right to do better #kremlin

I guess Chelsea didn’t get the memo that Instagram is the internet’s uptight pearl-clutching titty-hating memaw, because E! says they took one look at her boobie buttons, screamed “SMUT ALERT!!!!“, and ripped it down. Since the only thing Chelsea loves more than chugging goon bags of angel tears (aka BOOZE) is whipping out her tits, she decided to take a swipe at Instagram’s prudish overlords by posting a screen grab of the no-titty notice they sent her when they threw her topless pony pic in the trash and hissing out the following:

If a man posts a photo of his nipples, it’s ok, but not a woman? Are we in 1825?

Cut to Scout Willis and Princess RiRi sending Chelsea a box of Empire cookies and a note that says “Welcome to the club! We meet every Wednesday at 7:30!

Instagram be tripping, because the uncensored picture isn’t even that scandalous. But if you really want to see Chelsea’s majestic bare titties, they’re hidden after the cut:


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