Archives: October 2014

Bethenny Frankel’s Mom Says Her Daughter Is A Fake-Ass Man-Hungry Snob

October 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Then Batman added: “And that wig isn’t fooling anyone. We all know it’s you, Joker.

Apropos of nothing, Bethenny Frankel’s estranged mother Bernadette Birk (who’s name sounds like the cunning social-climbing stepmother in a V.C. Andrews novel) recently spoke to Radar about her daughter, and in case you were wondering whether or not they still hate each others guts, I’ll let Bernadette’s cuntified verbal air-kisses to her daughter answer that for you. Bernadette, who hasn’t seen Bethenny in over a decade, hissed that Bethenny’s talk show was “terrible” and she stopped watching after a week because she was “bored”. She then says all the shit Bethenny talked about her in her 2011 autobiography/self-help book Place of Yes were LIES, and that Bethenny is the awful bitch, not her. Bernadette claims Bethenny used to be cool, but then she turned 16 and became a snobby snob and an arrogant bitch.

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It’s Monday, So Here’s Prince Hot Ginge Playing Rugby With A Bunch Of Kids

October 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Mondays are disgusting and gross and nobody should have to live through them, but they’re a little less disgusting and gross when you can rinse out the Monday crust from your eyes with these pictures of Prince Hot Ginge looking like an extra derpy wascally wabbit running from Elmer Fudd while playing touch rugby with a bunch of kids.

While Duchess Kate and Prince William continued to whore out every single detail of the standby king or queen baking in her uterus royale, someone in that family did ACTUAL work. At the Eccles RFC (whatever that means) in Manchester, England this morning, Uncle Hot Ginge took part in a teacher training session which included a game of touch rugby. I’m beginning to think that my mother did me wrong by having me 25 years too early and not moving to England right after she had me, because if she did I could be the one playing touch rugby with PHG. The most star-studded shit that happened to me in school was the time Tina Yothers came to visit us and it was square pizza day, so her visit was the second most exciting thing to happen that day.

These pictures once again tell me that PHG will make a perfect husband. He’s a ginge, he’s got access to those royal jewels, he’ll forever get that benefits money, he has sweet moves, he can teach you how to snort vodka when doctors tell you to cut back on drinking booze and he looks like he genuinely likes kids. So he can entertain the brats in the backyard of Buckingham Palace while you and THE QUEEN get drunk on spiked Earl Grey tea while gossiping about the ugly dress that slut tramp trollop Cumilla wore to the Downton Abbey viewing party.

And yes, this picture has already made a morning appearance in my Photoshop.

Pics: Splash

Kensington Palace Says That Duchess Kate Will Birth Out Her Second Fancy Royal Baby Sometime In April

October 20, 2014 / Posted by:

I’m not sure what Prince Harry, Duchess Kate, and Prince William are looking at in this picture, but whatever it is, it’s giving them the same glazed-over look in their eyes I get when I look at a picture of the Royal Family that doesn’t include Baby Prince George or The Queen’s loyal army of corgis, aka the REAL STAHS of that family. Maybe I’ll Photoshop a corgi perching on Prince William’s shoulder (like a pirate with a parrot) later.

Speaking of Baby Prince George, he only has about 5 months left of struttin’ around the house like he owns the place (even though he technically owns the place). The Telegraph says that Kensington Palace has confirmed that Duchess Kate’s second FRF (fancy royal fetus) is due sometime in April. They also said she still has a case of the sicks, but she’s hurling a lot less than she was in the beginning of her pregnancy. Less hurling? Party on, Kate!

The arrival of Duchess Kate’s FRF in April means there’s a 1 in 30 chance it could be born on either The Queen’s 89th birthday (April 21st) or Kate and William’s 4th wedding anniversary (April 29th). Sorry, did I say 1 in 30? I meant a snowball’s chance in hell, cause ain’t no fancy royal baby stealing The Queen’s thunder on her own birthday! I bet The Queen has instructed her thuggiest corgi to make sure Kate doesn’t go into labor anywhere near April 21st by crawling up the royal cooch and telling that baby to stay put or else. But if by some unholy miracle the baby is born on The Queen’s birthday, she can always use her Queenly powers to change the hour of the baby’s birth into a new day, like April 21.5 or April-ish. Problem solved!

Hot Slut Of The Day!

October 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Snapple’s Tru Root Beer!

In the 90s, Snapple ruled the world and most of the population pissed, shit, jizzed and sneezed the stuff up, because practically everyone guzzled it up like it was tap water. My mom worked in a hospital and sometimes I’d volunteer in the office of her department (sadly, I didn’t get to wear a candy stripe outfit). My job was to give patients pamphlets with info on how to prepare for their procedure (don’t drink water, don’t eat food, get your will together, say goodbye to your loved ones, curse your enemies out one last time, etc…) and this one time, I told this chick she couldn’t eat or drink water after midnight. Her only question was, “But what about Snapple?” She was serious. Snapple was her oxygen!

So because Snapple was as important as air, they tried to come for the soda game and they released a bunch of “all-natural” Snapple sodas including Tru Root Beer. Tru Root Beer was supposed to be less sweeter than other root beers and that shit was clear. Since Snapple sodas lacked a key ingredient others soda had (read: CRACK), they never became a thing and they were discontinued sometime in the late 90s. But some SnappleSodaheads are still strung out for their sweet nectar of choice and wake up in the middle of the night screaming its name.

I’m not sure why Snapple dropped the “e” from “true.” Was it because of 90s styling or could they legally not use the full word “true” since their root beer truly wasn’t root beer because it was fucking clear. But that’s what I liked most about Snapple’s Tru Root Beer. It asked one of the most important questions of the 90s: Can root beer-flavored water be trusted?

Pic: The Frisky 

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Birthday Sluts

October 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Viggo Mortensen (56)
Candice Swanepoel (26)
Katie Featherston (32)
Terrence J (33)
John Krasinski (35)
Rob Cesternino (36)
Snoop Dogg (43)
Dannii Minogue (43)
Danny Boyle (58)
Melanie Mayron (62)
Tom Petty (64)
Wanda Jackson (77)

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Open Post: Hosted By The Sadness I Feel While Looking At The Deflated Butt Plug Christmas Tree

October 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Just a couple of days ago, that green plastic puddle of sadness looked like this:

buttplugparis2014

The biggest butt plug to hit Paris since Kanye…

That glorious giant ass cork (and CAPTION THIS star) by American artist Paul McCarthy was erected in Paris last week and he told reporters that he got the idea for the piece he calls the “Tree” while joking about how a butt plug kind of looks like a Christmas tree. It’s also a great commentary on how most of us get fucked during the holidays since we’re expected to buy presents for everyone. Some say that Paris is prettiest in the springtimes and I’ve never been to Paris, but I say that it’s prettiest this time of year thanks to that giant butt plug.

All of us butt plug aficionados who appreciate a piece of art that looks like the Jolly Green Giant’s favorite ass play toy loved it, but a group of butthurt bitches in Paris hated it from the beginning. They demanded that it be taken down. The International Contemporary Art Fair (FIAC), who brought the giant butt plug to Paris, refused, so the butt plug haters committed an illegal act against art, taste and ass toys by destroying it. They could’ve gotten rid of it by launching it into space so it’d get stuck in Xenu’s black hole, but they decided to deflate it instead. The police told the BBC, “An unidentified group of people cut the cables which were holding the artwork, which caused it to collapse.”

FIAC plans to restore the giant butt plug back to its glory. But for now, it looks like a sad pile of ass smegma, which strangely enough is what comes after a butt plug. Even in its deflated state, it’s still HIGH ART.

Pics: Getty, Twitter

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

October 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Kanye West is a spiked anal bead shoved up humanity’s culo, but we can still count on him to bring the HAHAHAs by making his waxed mannequin dress up doll Kim Kartrashians look like 10 pounds of messiness in a 2 pound sack by doing her up like a day-shift She-Hulk hooker. Thank you, Kanye!

Kuntye and Kummy Cakes went to a movie in Calabasas, CA today and nothing says “casual movie matinee” like a tight, backless bib shirt, dad jorts and suede heels. Since Kim’s mirror is covered with a thick layer of delusion and it constantly lies to her, she probably looked at it before leaving the house and saw this:

kimkjortshotness

Kim wishes her jorts game was as piping hot and sexy as this beauty’s. Kim, leave jorts wearing to the true professionals who really know how to work it.

You know, if you took the Kartrashian out of that outfit, it would actually be kind of elegant, demure and sophisticated. A Kartrashian cheapens everything. If Shauna Sand was wearing that outfit it would like Coco Chanel designed it and sewed it onto Shauna’s body herself.

Shia LaBeouf’s “Method Acting” Is The Reason Why He Got Fired From A Broadway Play And Ended Up In Jail

October 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like a dirty hot, dick jelly-ridden hitchhiker that you picked up one night and had messy fuck times with in a motel room before waking up the next morning to find out that he stole your car and gave you crabs, Shia LaBeouf tells Interview Magazine (via Page Six) that “method acting” is what led him to a jail cell and is what got him pink-slipped from the Broadway play Orphans. When Shia got fired from Orphans for being difficult  and he started terrorizing homeless guys in Times Square, some blamed it on Shia being Shia and others blamed it on booze, the bad shit or a mental breakdown. Shia tells Interview that the only drug to blame is AC-TING! It took him a while, but Shia finally played the Joaquin Phoenix card.

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Xander From Buffy The Vampire Slayer Got Arrested In Idaho

October 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Xander looks twelve kinds of rough in that mug shot, but it’s that stretched out t-shirt collar that tells me everything I need to know about how his night went.

43-year-old Nicholas Brendon, who played Xander in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, was put into handcuffs on Friday night for breaking a dish and messing with the cops in a hotel lobby. Nicholas was in Boise, Idaho for the Tree City Comic-Con when cops showed up to his hotel at around 10pm after someone called them to report a messy scene going down in the lobby. In the press release from the Boise PD, Nicholas seemed plastered as shit when cops arrived and he didn’t want to cooperate. They told him to have a seat and stay there while they talked to witnesses, but he kept trying to get away. They eventually arrested him for resisting and obstructing. The staff at the hotel claim that during his drunken lobby meltdown, he broke a “decorative dish.” The hotel wanted to press charges so the cops added one count of “malicious injury to property” to his charges.

TMZ says that Nicholas bonded out a few hours later and was released. He still showed up to Comic-Con the next day. Nicholas later said he was sorry to the Boise PD and the hotel staff he messed with:

“It would be extremely helpful, if we could all put this misunderstanding behind us and focus on more positive things.”

This isn’t Nicholas’ first time getting into a messy situation with the cops. Four years ago, he was tasered twice by cops in Venice, CA after he allegedly tried to punch them. Nicholas checked himself into rehab shortly after that went down. Nicholas is also a newlywed. Dude got married in Las Vegas a couple of weeks ago to a chick he’s known for a quick minute. He proposed to her while she was wearing a shower cap. That “proposing to a trick he’s known for a second while she wore a shower cap” situation was a sign that shit isn’t going good.

Breaking decorative dishes during a drunken meltdown in a Boise hotel lobby the night before Tree City Comic-Con is no way to go through life. Speaking of decorative dish murder, I did squint my eyes at that “malicious injury to property” charge. The hell? That charge seems kind of dramatic for breaking a hotel lobby dish. Was that decorative dish from the Ming Dynasty? Was it a Franklin Mint original? Is one of the hotel staff members an objectophile and that decorative dish was their wife of 5 years?

Hopefully Xander gets it together and stops drunkenly breaking decorative dishes in hotel lobbies, because I don’t think he wants to be known as Nicholas the Decorative Dish Slayer.

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