Archives: October 2014

Queen Latifah Cancels Her Interview With Bill Cosby After Old Sexual Assault Allegations Come Back Up

October 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Stories about Bill Cosby’s alleged rapist ways have been around a long time, but that horrifying shit exploded against our monitors again last week when a video of comedian Hannibal Buress calling America’s so-called beloved TV father out in one of his sets made the rounds. The allegations were pulled out from under a huge pile of ugly sweaters and people were talking about it again. Also, actress Barbara Bowman recently told The Daily Mail about how Bill Cosby allegedly drugged and assaulted her. So because all of these allegations are coming back, TMZ says that The Queen Latifah Show decided that maybe it’s not such a good idea to have him on and they snatched back their invitation.

Production sources tell us Latifah honchos didn’t want the association so they 86′d Cosby. They’re particularly sensitive because a video from Latifah’s show just went viral, showing a 13-year-old gay kid going crazy on the show after winning VIP Ru Paul tickets.

A rep for the show says that Bill Cosby’s team pressed the pause button on the interview and it has nothing to do with Diva Boy, but TMZ stands by their story.

Some are slow clapping for Queen LaQueefah, because they think after years of the mainstream media not doing anything about the allegations, she’s actually doing something about it. Others are shaking their heads at the Grand Dame of the Closet (sorry, Travolta), because after years of the mainstream media pretty much ignoring the allegations, she’s continuing to ignore them by not having Bill Cosby on her show so she can ask him about them. I don’t know. I’ve seen The Queen Latifah Show and if my chihuahua could speak, he’d ask more hard-hitting questions than she does. Queen Latifah is trying to be the next Ellen DeGeneres (sans that whole “coming out” thing of course) and is not trying to be the next Diane Sawyer. If she had him on, there’s no way she’d bring up those allegations. That interview would be covered with more sugar than what’s in Wanda’s Macaroni Salad. He’d zip zop bippity bop out nonsense and when he’d offer Queen Latifah a Puddin’ Pop, she’s awkwardly decline out of fear that shit is drugged.

Queen Latifah should just cancel all of her guests and have Brendan “Diva Boy” Jordan on every single day. In case you didn’t get doused with ten waves of glitter while watching it, here’s one of the supposed reasons why Bill Cosby got kicked off of the show. Diva Boy is like a one-kid Paris Is Burning with a dash of Vera Charles from Mame. He’s like a preteen me on roids:

I love it when a clip is both relevant to the post and a palate cleanser.

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RUDE! Two Beauty-Hating Assholes Have Been Bullying Bruce Jenner On The Golf Course

October 30, 2014 / Posted by:

I know, I can’t believe it either. But according to TMZ, there are a couple of dickheads out there who have committed the unspeakably evil act of coming for flawless life diamond Bruce Jenner on the golf course. Have fun giving never-ending blowjobs to Satan, assholes, cause you just earned a yourselves a one-way ticket to Hell!

TMZ says that almost everyone who golfs with Bruce at his Thousand Oaks club loves him (DUH, he’s practically a living breathing Precious Moments angel figurine), but recently he’s found himself on the receiving end of some bitchy Mean Girl behavior. A source claims that one golfer passed Bruce and yelled: “How’s your dick?“. Rather than telling the truth and explaining that he’s still in the process of retrieving it from Kris Jenner’s klaws, Bruce replied by joking: “It’s right here. It hasn’t worked in 20 years.” Shortly after, another golfer cornered him in the locker room and started making fun of his gorgeous ombré ponytail before joking that he was going to cut it off.

Those caddy shack cunts! How DARE they come for Bruce like that? They’re obviously just jealous that God didn’t bless them with a glorious head of shimmering shoulder-length chestnut-colored hair or the right undertones to work a tricky color like Magenta Splash on their nails. Not to mention it must kill them every day to walk into the locker room and find a come-to-life Greek God staring back at them while working that body-oddy-oddy like “Oh, this old thing?

I feel compelled to get Bruce a giant cookie cake from Mrs. Fields that says “DON’T LET THOSE JEALOUS BITCHES GET YOU DOWN, BOO BOO!“, but it would be a total waste of money. Bruce would be like “Who?? What jealous bitches?“. He probably doesn’t even know they exist. An opulent diva like Bruce has no time for tacky beauty-hating hags!

Pics: Splash

Open Post: Hosted By The Poor Bride Whose Ass Kissed The Concrete On Her Wedding Day

October 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Because people falling is weed-infused Prozac for the soul, below is a video of a bride and groom doing the dun-dun-duh-BOOM march into their wedding reception after getting married in Camp Verde, Arizona. The groom tells ABC News in an interview (because THIS IS NEWS) that he thought it would be a really good idea to carry his new wife into the party, but when he tripped, gravity wouldn’t let them be great and they both married the sidewalk. The groom, Chad Kannard, says that the fall only looks brutal and they didn’t spend their honeymoon in physical therapy. They only suffered a few cuts and a fracture to their embarrassment bones. The bride, Julia Magdaleno, says that even though they started their marriage off with bruised ass cheeks (that’s how I want to start my marriage too!), they laughed about it.

“I was like ‘go figure,’ like, I’m so type A where I need to, like, make sure everything’s planned out and this one moment where I just let it go, what you think would be the worst thing possible happened, but I got up and I was laughing so hard. I thought it was, like, the best thing that’s ever happened.”

Here’s the video and you might want to lube up your tonsils before pressing play, because if you’re like me, you’ll scream “Move that goddamn barrel” over and over again. If you’re going to fall in front of a camera at your wedding reception, at least move the barrel first so all of us can clearly see it. So selfish.

And yet, she didn’t even think about letting go of that bouquet. A true champion.

But seriously, why oh why couldn’t this have happened to Kimye at their wedding?! Actually, I don’t mean that. Because if that happened, we’d all be trying to open a can of beans with a rat tooth while huddling together in a cave made of rubble after “the big one” hit and destroyed most of civilization.

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Paul Reubens Confirms That Another Pee-wee Herman Movie Is Definitely Happening

October 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Sweet sassy Jambi, why are Pee-wee’s eyes so red? I bet that little ginger shithead Randy has something to do with it. Probably gave him pink eye. Fucking Randy.

Paul Reubens (who I like to pretend is actually Pee-wee Herman’s creepy uncle) confirmed on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon Wednesday night that nearly 30 years after the amazing Pee-wee’s Big Adventure (and 27 years after the…uh…slightly less amazing Big Top Pee-wee), Pee-wee Herman will be returning to the big screen. Reubens says he’s written the script, hired a director (he won’t say who), and plans to begin production in February of 2015 with Judd Apatow producing. So far it’s all very hush-hush, but if Judd Apatow is producing it, then there’s a good chance the part of Dottie will be played by Seth Rogen.

Pee-wee’s Big Adventure is practically a religion to me, and there’s nothing I would like more than to let Paul Reubens take me to church. But Pee-wee is 30 years older now, and I’m not sure I want to see Pee-wee going on a cross-country adventure to find his lost Hoveround or trying to do the Tequila dance breaking a hip. Aw, who am I kidding? I’ll be there on opening night dressed as Sharon Needles dressed as Pee-wee Herman. I should start shopping for some stretch plaid now.

And I hope Paul Reubens plans on filming this shit in Heaven, because you can’t make a new Pee-wee movie without Large Marge, Hobo Jack, and the bitchy Alamo tour guide! Especially the bitchy Alamo tour guide! Pee-wee is NOTHING without hearing Jan Hooks giggle-hiss out “Thayres no baysement at the Ahlahmow!

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Goopy Paltrow Slobbers Over Chris Martin At Last Night’s amfAR Gala

October 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Goopy Paltrow was the host of last night’s amfAR Inspiration Gala aka the LOOK AT MY TITS EVENT (or in Goopy’s case, LOOK AT MY CHEST BONES EVENT), which means that guests gobbled up a delicious and filling spread of dehydrated organic dragon fruit seeds, laxative-tinis and Jennifer Lawrence’s double filtered tears. Dozens of guests are currently being treated at Cedars-Sinai for the coma they fell into after overdosing on lethal loads of meh and smugness and that could mean only two things: Chris Martin performed and Goopy introduced him!

While looking like an un-breaded, greasy fishstick in costume as a Robert Palmer girl, Goopy introduced the master of doctor waiting room music with this dose of eye roll fuel:

“This brilliant singer-songwriter has sold 8 million records, has won every single award that there is to be won, especially Father of the Year, which he has won consecutively since 2004. I am speaking of Chris Martin and the incredibly talented Jonny Buckland, who together make up one-half of the legendary band Coldplay.”

Yeah, I’m sure he wasn’t a ten-time Father of the Year a couple of weeks ago when he was threatening to expose their children to something worse then all the diseases in the world, CARBS, by constantly hanging around human carb monster Jennifer Lawrence. I haven’t seen video of Goopy’s intro, but I’m sure she had a look on her face that clearly said, “Haha, Jennifer Lawrence, the air kisses that blow out of Chris Martin’s anus hole belong to me again!

I’m sure these two will be consciously coupled again by New Year’s. Or until Goopy completely disinfects Chris Martin’s peen of all the canned cheese he used as lube when boning JLaw.

Pics: Wenn.com

Who Wore The Broken Purple Christmas Tree Ornament Better: RiRi’s Tits Or The Grey Floor?

October 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Isn’t the answer always “THE GREY FLOOR“?

Every amFAR event’s theme is supposed to be “Down With AIDS!“, but last night’s theme was obviously, “What’s AIDS? Look At My Tits!Miley Cyrus and RiRi obviously heard that memo loud and clear.

I guess Tom Ford has been trolling the “ratchet prom dress” tag on Tumblr, because that’s the only explanation for the clusterfuck of demure sophistication that RiRi had on her body last night. RiRi showed up to the amfAR LA Inspiration Gala Honoring Tom Ford in L.A. last night wearing some messiness Tom Ford designed and the only thing missing is Diana Ross’ hand under her right tit. That dress looks duct tape, an old bed sheet, two Christmas bows and a sheer nursing bra having an awkward orgy and none of them are even close to cumming. An ear-killing, nasally “SHIT!” was heard all through Calabasas today, because Kim Kartrashian will have to find another ensemble to wear to North West’s khristening ceremony.

RiRi’s look is like this season of American Horror Story. It doesn’t make sense and nothing flows together, but yet I can’t stop looking at it. RiRi looks like a rejected Twi’lek dancer who had to make ends meet by selling ass to aliens on the 16th planet of Tau Ceti, but I’m still into it as fugly and busted as it is. Blame it on her nipples looking like they’re barfing up heavy loads of extra chunky sparkles. That’s what unicorn herpes looks like and it’s stunning.

Pics: Wenn.com

Oh, It’s Just Miley Cyrus With Her Duct Tape-Covered Chipmunk Chichis Out At The amfAR Gala

October 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Here they are, y’all! Take a good look, cause you might not get to see ‘em for another couple of hours!

The amfAR Inspiration Los Angeles Gala honoring Tom Ford was held on Wednesday night, and guess who showed up with her tits out? That’s right, everyone’s favorite permanent marker-huffing chipmunk Miley Cyrus! But since the amfAR Gala is some fancy shit, she knew she it would be inappropriate to roll up in a high-cut thong and weed leaf pasties. So instead, she decided to bust open a Sheer Elegance L’eggs, wear them as a shirt, and wrap up her backwoods nipple bits in some black duct tape. Miley is nothing if not a klassy lassy, after all.

THIS is how you do tasteful black tie elegance. Why wear a boring-ass evening gown when you can look like the crazy hillbilly cousin of Leeloo Dallas? Or a slutty futuristic project manager from Blade Runner? Or a waitress at an adults-only murder mystery dinner theater? Or a rejected member of The Black Tape Project (NSFW)? Or a goth figure skater? I could literally go on for hours, but you get the picture. BITCH LOOKS HOT!

And adding to the already dangerously high levels of Appalachian sophistication, Miley brought her gorgeous mom Tish Cyrus as her date. Sadly, Tish didn’t also dress like a slutty BDSM mime; instead, she wore a satin tablecloth and did her hair in a fancy show pony braid. Oh well, next time!

Here’s more of Miley looking like a low-budget Pris Stratton (because you need that in your life), as well as Lea Michele who – SURPRISE SURPRISE – was serving up middle-aged horny cougar realness, Alessandra Ambrosia Salad wearing the Las Vegas showgirl version of Miley’s outfit, and a bunch of boring covered-up hos:

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Apple CEO Tim Cook Comes Out Ot The Glass iCloset

October 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Happy Christmas morning to all of the gay gold diggers! This morning, Apple CEO Tim Cook, whose net worth is reportedly $400 million, became every gay gold digger’s dream man when he publicly came out for his love of peen in a thoughtful and important essay for Bloomberg Businessweek. Tim hasn’t exactly been playing mahjong with John Travolta in the back room of the closet. Tim has been openly out to his family, friends and colleagues. If you asked Siri “Is Tim Cook gay?” she’d tell you to check the Apple site, which translates into “Duh, bitch!” Today is the first time he told the world, “iGay!” Tim starts off his coming out essay by saying that he’s tried to keep his private life private, because he wants all of the focus to be on the overpriced products that mysteriously start breaking right before the new version comes out. Tim says that he decided to come out and talk about his personal life, because maybe hearing that the CEO of Apple is gay will help someone who feels alone or inspire others to “insist on their equality.” After the cut are a few pieces of what Tim wrote. You can read the whole thing here.

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So, The Deaner Sort Of Lost His Shit On Twitter Yesterday

October 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Please don’t ask me what I want for Christmas this year, because last night I received the best present I could ever wish for when I opened up Twitter and discovered that my favorite beady-eyed sex possum went trash rat crazy and was throwing around F-bombs like it was two-for-one pitchers of Coors Light night at Hooters. It was the best day of my life; I was like the half-drunk grown-up version of the Nintendo 64 kids.

It all started earlier this week when The Deaner was papped leaving a sex shop in Encino, CA while his wife was laid-up at Cedars-Sinai with an acute case of famewhoreitis. Who knows if he was running errands for himself or if Tori Spelling had asked him to pick up some more lube to help the lies slide out of her mouth easier, but one anonymous person on Twitter thought it was in poor taste and called him out. That’s when The Deaner decided to go full-Deaner and let a bitch know what’s crappenin’:

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