Just a couple of days ago, that green plastic puddle of sadness looked like this:
The biggest butt plug to hit Paris since Kanye…
That glorious giant ass cork (and CAPTION THIS star) by American artist Paul McCarthy was erected in Paris last week and he told reporters that he got the idea for the piece he calls the “Tree” while joking about how a butt plug kind of looks like a Christmas tree. It’s also a great commentary on how most of us get fucked during the holidays since we’re expected to buy presents for everyone. Some say that Paris is prettiest in the springtimes and I’ve never been to Paris, but I say that it’s prettiest this time of year thanks to that giant butt plug.
All of us butt plug aficionados who appreciate a piece of art that looks like the Jolly Green Giant’s favorite ass play toy loved it, but a group of butthurt bitches in Paris hated it from the beginning. They demanded that it be taken down. The International Contemporary Art Fair (FIAC), who brought the giant butt plug to Paris, refused, so the butt plug haters committed an illegal act against art, taste and ass toys by destroying it. They could’ve gotten rid of it by launching it into space so it’d get stuck in Xenu’s black hole, but they decided to deflate it instead. The police told the BBC, “An unidentified group of people cut the cables which were holding the artwork, which caused it to collapse.”
FIAC plans to restore the giant butt plug back to its glory. But for now, it looks like a sad pile of ass smegma, which strangely enough is what comes after a butt plug. Even in its deflated state, it’s still HIGH ART.
Pics: Getty, Twitter
Kanye West is a spiked anal bead shoved up humanity’s culo, but we can still count on him to bring the HAHAHAs by making his waxed mannequin dress up doll Kim Kartrashians look like 10 pounds of messiness in a 2 pound sack by doing her up like a day-shift She-Hulk hooker. Thank you, Kanye!
Kuntye and Kummy Cakes went to a movie in Calabasas, CA today and nothing says “casual movie matinee” like a tight, backless bib shirt, dad jorts and suede heels. Since Kim’s mirror is covered with a thick layer of delusion and it constantly lies to her, she probably looked at it before leaving the house and saw this:
Kim wishes her jorts game was as piping hot and sexy as this beauty’s. Kim, leave jorts wearing to the true professionals who really know how to work it.
You know, if you took the Kartrashian out of that outfit, it would actually be kind of elegant, demure and sophisticated. A Kartrashian cheapens everything. If Shauna Sand was wearing that outfit it would like Coco Chanel designed it and sewed it onto Shauna’s body herself.
Shia LaBeouf’s “Method Acting” Is The Reason Why He Got Fired From A Broadway Play And Ended Up In Jail
Seen above looking like a dirty hot, dick jelly-ridden hitchhiker that you picked up one night and had messy fuck times with in a motel room before waking up the next morning to find out that he stole your car and gave you crabs, Shia LaBeouf tells Interview Magazine (via Page Six) that “method acting” is what led him to a jail cell and is what got him pink-slipped from the Broadway play Orphans. When Shia got fired from Orphans for being difficult and he started terrorizing homeless guys in Times Square, some blamed it on Shia being Shia and others blamed it on booze, the bad shit or a mental breakdown. Shia tells Interview that the only drug to blame is AC-TING! It took him a while, but Shia finally played the Joaquin Phoenix card.
Xander looks twelve kinds of rough in that mug shot, but it’s that stretched out t-shirt collar that tells me everything I need to know about how his night went.
43-year-old Nicholas Brendon, who played Xander in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, was put into handcuffs on Friday night for breaking a dish and messing with the cops in a hotel lobby. Nicholas was in Boise, Idaho for the Tree City Comic-Con when cops showed up to his hotel at around 10pm after someone called them to report a messy scene going down in the lobby. In the press release from the Boise PD, Nicholas seemed plastered as shit when cops arrived and he didn’t want to cooperate. They told him to have a seat and stay there while they talked to witnesses, but he kept trying to get away. They eventually arrested him for resisting and obstructing. The staff at the hotel claim that during his drunken lobby meltdown, he broke a “decorative dish.” The hotel wanted to press charges so the cops added one count of “malicious injury to property” to his charges.
TMZ says that Nicholas bonded out a few hours later and was released. He still showed up to Comic-Con the next day. Nicholas later said he was sorry to the Boise PD and the hotel staff he messed with:
“It would be extremely helpful, if we could all put this misunderstanding behind us and focus on more positive things.”
This isn’t Nicholas’ first time getting into a messy situation with the cops. Four years ago, he was tasered twice by cops in Venice, CA after he allegedly tried to punch them. Nicholas checked himself into rehab shortly after that went down. Nicholas is also a newlywed. Dude got married in Las Vegas a couple of weeks ago to a chick he’s known for a quick minute. He proposed to her while she was wearing a shower cap. That “proposing to a trick he’s known for a second while she wore a shower cap” situation was a sign that shit isn’t going good.
Breaking decorative dishes during a drunken meltdown in a Boise hotel lobby the night before Tree City Comic-Con is no way to go through life. Speaking of decorative dish murder, I did squint my eyes at that “malicious injury to property” charge. The hell? That charge seems kind of dramatic for breaking a hotel lobby dish. Was that decorative dish from the Ming Dynasty? Was it a Franklin Mint original? Is one of the hotel staff members an objectophile and that decorative dish was their wife of 5 years?
Hopefully Xander gets it together and stops drunkenly breaking decorative dishes in hotel lobbies, because I don’t think he wants to be known as Nicholas the Decorative Dish Slayer.
Ripple, the 18-month-old hyper mastiff mix who is what every weather report needs!
I don’t know what’s going in on in that screen shot. Either they’re getting into armpit play (that weather guy IS the Kristen Stewart to Ripple’s Robert Pattinson) or they’re doing a really weird version of the Rumba and if that’s the case, get them on Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never-Wases now.
Canada’s Global News Edmonton regularly features dog friends who need a home and during Mike Sobel’s weather segment last week, Ripple from the Edmonton Humane Society made an appearance and nobody was prepared for the gust of fuckery he brought with him. From the very beginning, Ripple had zero shits to give about the damn weather and he no care that it was going to be sunny and warm in Edmonton (Side note: 17 celsius may be warm in Edmonton, but that shit is UGGs, coochie cutters, parkas and heated car seats wether in L.A.). The only thing Rippled cared about was trying to gnaw his way to freedom by cutting that leash off with his teefs.
Ripple proves that if you have a dream, just keep gnawing on the crap that is holding you back until that dream comes. Ripple eventually freed himself from that bitch ass leash, but he wasn’t done with it. He tried to destroy it some more and he almost took down Mike while doing so. Now this is what a I call a weather report:
Apparently, Ripple was adopted and I hope he was adopted by a producer from the Today show. Because Al Roker’s segments would be 1000% more entertaining if Ripple was trying to take him down while he delivered the weather.
And I can’t believe Mike Sobel made it through that segment without calling Ripple a dyke.
Ty Pennington (50)
Gillian Jacobs (32)
Jason Reitman (37)
Desmond Harrington (38)
Chris Kattan (44)
DJ Sammy (45)
John Edward (45)
Trey Parker (45)
Jon Favreau (48)
Evander Holyfield (52)
Jennifer Holliday (54)
John Lithgow (69)
Michael Gambon (74)
I think Beyoncé is taking those bobo Bettie Page bangs a little too seriously, because on Friday night she went out for dinner in London in her underwear. And all I have to say is, Bettie Page would NEVER be caught dead in such a matronly negligee! What look is Beyoncé going for, 1950′s Mormon pin-up girl? Not to mention that everyone knows Bettie Page would accessorize with either a whip or a cheetah. Yawncé, you lazy.
Even Beyoncé’s dinner companion Adele doesn’t know what the fuck is going on with Bey’s SANS PANTALONS situation. This is Adele leaving Harry’s Bar in London after her dinner with Bey on Friday night:
“Bloody ‘ell, I fink I just saw Beyoncé’s Yorkshire pudding?”
The only explanation I can think of is that Beyoncé knew that she had to distract us from that jank-ass bang situation wreaking havoc across her forehead, so she pulled a page from Kelly Rowland’s book and drew all the attention to her legs. If Kelly Rowland knows anything, it’s that the best way to disguise some tragic hair is to show off your legs in a pair of barely-there coochie-cutters.
Here’s more of Beyoncé leaving dinner with a camera-shy Joe Camel and a comfers-cozers Adele last night. 1000 points to Adele for not giving a fuck and wearing a cape made from sweatpants to dinner with Yawncé. I’d do the same.
In an attempt to take a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser to his grime-covered reputation as Hollywood’s recurring plantar wart, Sam Lutfi - the sleazy barnacle who spent most of 2007 permanently stuck to the back of Britney Spears and most recently the tricky ho responsible for getting Amanda Bynes checked into a mental health facility- wrote a piece for xoJane.com on Friday titled “It Happened To Me: I’m Sam Lutfi and I’m Trying to Help Amanda Bynes.” I guess Sam was sick of everyone playing negative word association games with his name (the most common being NO! and STAY AWAY!) and throwing him some epic side-eye regarding his involvement with Amanda Bynes, so he sat down and wrote an open letter to the haters who think he’s nothing more than a disaster-chasing opportunistic fame humper. According to Sam Lutfi, Sam Lutfi is a modern-day Mother Teresa for wayward starlets!
When Bland Lively announced she was knocked up with the fastest of Van Wilder’s sperms, I immediately braced myself for the eventual onslaught of fetus-themed delicate vintage diaper this and whimsical pregnancy farts that. Really, it was only a matter of time before Bland released a DIY on Preserve.us about curating an eclectic vignette inside your womb using antique mercury glass vases, naturally weathered barn wood, twinkle lights, and a bundle of sage to make the baby feel more “inspired” as it dances in slow-motion through the amniotic fluid wearing a crown made from organic wildflowers and its own umbilical cord.
Sadly, that hasn’t happened (yet). But until then, at least we know Bland has managed to extend her Aspiring Faux-Hipster Martha Stewart life theme into her pregnancy cravings. A source close to Bland (a talking vintage patchwork quilt) told Heat magazine (via The Mirror) that she’s craving quite possibly the most Preserve-iest of foodstuffs, and it’s Ryan Reynolds job to procure them:
“She sends Ryan out in the middle of the night for organic hand-churned pumpkin-flavoured ice cream and small-batch pickles.”
OF COURSE! Of course she’s craving hand-churned ice cream (although she probably refers to pumpkin as ‘early-harvest autumn squash’ and ice cream as ‘low-temperature sweet custard’). Although to be honest, I’m sure that if you put the words “Blake Lively” into Google Translate, the result would be a picture of a organic pumpkin ice cream. The only thing more Bland Lively than organic hand-churned pumpkin ice cream would be organic hand-churned plain ice cream (mmmmm…bland). But she’s pregnant, which means her tastes are a little more ~crazy~. Which brings me to the subject of small-batch pickles.
Where in the FUCK is Ryan Reynolds finding small-batch pickles in the middle of the night??? Ice cream I understand – I’m sure they sell that shit at the more upscale 7-Elevens. But small-batch pickles? Is there some secret 2am artisanal pickle pop-up shop I’m not aware of? I bet Ryan is just leaving every night with a mason jar, hitting up the closest 24-hour McDonalds drive-thru, ordering a cheeseburger with extra pickles, then pulling up to the second window with a $100 bill and telling them to put the pickles in the jar or he’ll make another Green Lantern movie. That sneaky hunk.
I’ve finally finished my week-long celebration of Canadian Thanksgiving, aka sitting on the couch watching The Deaner’s beady little sex possum eyes struggle to stay focused during Chopped Canada and stuffing my face full of Beavurducken (a chicken stuffed in a duck stuffed in a turkey stuffed in a beaver stuffed with Kraft Dinner, as is our way). Except I still sort-of feel like a gravy-bloated maple-dipped trash hag, and seeing this picture of a skinny Missy Elliott isn’t helping things. I feel like she’s staring at me and thinking: “Would you like to borrow my balloon suit from the Supa Dupa Fly video?” Yes. Yes I would.
Missy Elliott Tweeted a picture of her newly-skinnay self after a performance for Alexander Wang’s H&M collection launch in New York on Thursday, and first things first, she looks great, the end. Stamp it, mail it, wait for the post office to lose it somewhere in Kansas. E! says Missy has yet to announce how she went from supa dupa fly to just dupa fly, but she’s spoken in the past about being diagnosed with Graves’ disease and being committed to living a healthy lifestyle, like eating right and exercising. Well, there go my hopes of Missy Elliott ever coming to my all-star Canadian Thanksgiving dinner. Looks like it’s just gonna be me and Bruce Jenner fighting over the wishbone.
Personally, I like my Missy a little on the chunkier side, but if she wants to de-chunk, then more power to her. Bitch looks straight-up great. However, the only thing I can’t get behind is that long-ass Flavor of Love-looking clip-in hair and that circa-2002 trucker hat. I don’t care if it’s $800 hair, Missy needs to lose the My Little Pony tail. That orange ombre hair belongs on the heads of strippers and chicks from Buffalo, NY. And that hat! Skinny Missy sort of looks Viola Davis in the face, and Viola Davis would NEVER with that busted hat! Viola Davis knows how to get away with murder, so maybe she can take care of that tragic trucker hat for Missy. Make it disappear, Viola! No witnesses!