Isn’t the answer always “THE GREY FLOOR“?
Every amFAR event’s theme is supposed to be “Down With AIDS!“, but last night’s theme was obviously, “What’s AIDS? Look At My Tits!” Miley Cyrus and RiRi obviously heard that memo loud and clear.
I guess Tom Ford has been trolling the “ratchet prom dress” tag on Tumblr, because that’s the only explanation for the clusterfuck of demure sophistication that RiRi had on her body last night. RiRi showed up to the amfAR LA Inspiration Gala Honoring Tom Ford in L.A. last night wearing some messiness Tom Ford designed and the only thing missing is Diana Ross’ hand under her right tit. That dress looks duct tape, an old bed sheet, two Christmas bows and a sheer nursing bra having an awkward orgy and none of them are even close to cumming. An ear-killing, nasally “SHIT!” was heard all through Calabasas today, because Kim Kartrashian will have to find another ensemble to wear to North West’s khristening ceremony.
RiRi’s look is like this season of American Horror Story. It doesn’t make sense and nothing flows together, but yet I can’t stop looking at it. RiRi looks like a rejected Jabba the Hutt sex slave who had to make ends meet by selling ass to aliens on the 16th planet of Tau Ceti, but I’m still into it as fugly and busted as it is. Blame it on her nipples looking like they’re barfing up heavy loads of extra chunky sparkles. That’s what unicorn herpes looks like and it’s stunning.
“Here they are, y’all! Take a good look, cause you might not get to see ‘em for another couple of hours!”
The amfAR Inspiration Los Angeles Gala honoring Tom Ford was held on Wednesday night, and guess who showed up with her tits out? That’s right, everyone’s favorite permanent marker-huffing chipmunk Miley Cyrus! But since the amfAR Gala is some fancy shit, she knew she it would be inappropriate to roll up in a high-cut thong and weed leaf pasties. So instead, she decided to bust open a Sheer Elegance L’eggs, wear them as a shirt, and wrap up her backwoods nipple bits in some black duct tape. Miley is nothing if not a klassy lassy, after all.
THIS is how you do tasteful black tie elegance. Why wear a boring-ass evening gown when you can look like the crazy hillbilly cousin of Leeloo Dallas? Or a slutty futuristic project manager from Blade Runner? Or a waitress at an adults-only murder mystery dinner theater? Or a rejected member of The Black Tape Project (NSFW)? Or a goth figure skater? I could literally go on for hours, but you get the picture. BITCH LOOKS HOT!
And adding to the already dangerously high levels of Appalachian sophistication, Miley brought her gorgeous mom Tish Cyrus as her date. Sadly, Tish didn’t also dress like a slutty BDSM mime; instead, she wore a satin tablecloth and did her hair in a fancy show pony braid. Oh well, next time!
Here’s more of Miley looking like a low-budget Pris Stratton (because you need that in your life), as well as Lea Michele who – SURPRISE SURPRISE – was serving up middle-aged horny cougar realness, Alessandra Ambrosia Salad wearing the Las Vegas showgirl version of Miley’s outfit, and a bunch of boring covered-up hos:
Happy Christmas morning to all of the gay gold diggers! This morning, Apple CEO Tim Cook, whose net worth is reportedly $400 million, became every gay gold digger’s dream man when he publicly came out for his love of peen in a thoughtful and important essay for Bloomberg Businessweek. Tim hasn’t exactly been playing mahjong with John Travolta in the back room of the closet. Tim has been openly out to his family, friends and colleagues. If you asked Siri “Is Tim Cook gay?” she’d tell you to check the Apple site, which translates into “Duh, bitch!” Today is the first time he told the world, “iGay!” Tim starts off his coming out essay by saying that he’s tried to keep his private life private, because he wants all of the focus to be on the overpriced products that mysteriously start breaking right before the new version comes out. Tim says that he decided to come out and talk about his personal life, because maybe hearing that the CEO of Apple is gay will help someone who feels alone or inspire others to “insist on their equality.” After the cut are a few pieces of what Tim wrote. You can read the whole thing here.
Please don’t ask me what I want for Christmas this year, because last night I received the best present I could ever wish for when I opened up Twitter and discovered that my favorite beady-eyed sex possum went trash rat crazy and was throwing around F-bombs like it was two-for-one pitchers of Coors Light night at Hooters. It was the best day of my life; I was like the half-drunk grown-up version of the Nintendo 64 kids.
It all started earlier this week when The Deaner was papped leaving a sex shop in Encino, CA while his wife was laid-up at Cedars-Sinai with an acute case of famewhoreitis. Who knows if he was running errands for himself or if Tori Spelling had asked him to pick up some more lube to help the lies slide out of her mouth easier, but one anonymous person on Twitter thought it was in poor taste and called him out. That’s when The Deaner decided to go full-Deaner and let a bitch know what’s crappenin’:
At midnight on the night of a full moon, Taylor Swift transforms into her true self: A naked cat with a bag full of money. – Pink Is The Blonde of Colors
“Myy Purrrrrrrrrrecious!!” – OMGWTFLOL
Seven Up candy bar, the seven wonders of the 70s!
A grand total of zero trick or treaters will knock on my door on Friday night, because : 1) Hardly any children live around here; 2) The children who do live around here will probably go to the rich neighborhoods for those full-size candy bars and; 3) The “Get The Fuck Off My Lawn Even Though I Don’t Have A Lawn” sign that hangs on my door keeps kids away for some reason. Even though I won’t get any trick or treaters, I’m still going to buy pounds and pounds of Halloween candy, because I didn’t do it right on Friday night until I pass out in a field of candy wrappers while watching the scariest show of all QVC.
So last night, I spent a little time researching candy, as I do most nights anyway, and my tongue got a boner from the sight of the Seven Up candy bar. Seven Up was a candy bar from the 1970s that was made up of seven little pockets that were filled with different flavors and they regularly changed up the flavors. Because of a certain bitch ass whiny soda brand, Seven Up faced a whole lot of trademark issues and it died before I was born so I was never able to put my mouth on that 7 wonders of deliciousness (strangely enough, I’ve said that line many times when a friend has asked me how my date went).
There’s a “Bring Back” Facebook page for EVERYTHING (I mean, there’s a Bring Back The Lemonades Girl Scout Cookie FB page and what kind of sucio fuck wants that back?), so of course there’s a Bring Back Seven Up FB page and that’s a FB page that needs to exist. Because I need that in my mouth (strangely enough, I’ve said that line many times at the start of a first date)! I guess if I want to experience the delicious glory of the Seven Up candy bar, I can put on one of those dental mouth openers and shove an entire variety box of See’s Candy in there at once. I was planning on doing that anyway.
Grace Slick (75)
Nastia Liukin (25)
Janel Parrish (26)
Eva Marcille (30)
Ivanka Trump (33)
Matthew Morrison (36)
Gretchen Rossi (36)
Adam Edge Copeland (41)
Ben Bailey (44)
Nia Long (44)
Mark Polish (44)
Michael Polish (44)
Gavin Rossdale (49)
Michael Beach (51)
Kevin Pollack (57)
Juliet Stevenson (58)
Mario Testino (60)
Harry Hamlin (63)
Henry Winkler (69)
Kim Kartrashian reached to new heights of “BITCH PLEASE” at the Re/Code Code Mobile conference when she said that reality TV deserves more respect, because she works hard and her krap show has more episodes than I Love Lucy. That’s a good komparison, because it’s well known that Lucy, a legendary comedian, got I Love Lucy after the F-list brother of a singer peed on her in a sex tape - Reality Tea
Chelsea Hander’s ex-piece and Kylie Minogue showed up to a club together and let’s just say that they’re bumping genitals. And let’s also say that they’re bumping genitals so hard that Kylie’s brains got a little tossed around, which would explain why she’s wearing your memaw’s favorite Easter Sunday look – Lainey Gossip
Rita Ora’s on the cover of Cosmo giving me “The Joker in sloppy drag” face – Drunken Stepfather
Jennifer Aniston probably won’t get an Oscar nomination for Cake, but if she does, hold onto something sturdy and brace yourselves for all the “ANGIE VS. ANISTON: SHOWDOWN AT THE OSCARS” tabloid covers – Celebitchy
Hopefully, Beyonce stole Hedwig’s wig, because bitch needs a new one – Towleroad
Marvel sticks the tip in again with some extra footage from Avengers: Age of Ultron - The Superficial
So what George Clinton is trying to say is that his asshole has severe LSD flashbacks every time he sits on the toilet – WWTDD
Rashida Jones, Kate Hudson and Olivia Wilde take a picture together at the 2014 Fugly Dress Convention – Hollywood Tuna
DanRad shows everyone that he should’ve been the most famous white rapper to come out of Britain instead of Lady Sovereign – Jezebel
Katherine Heigl was at a Big Brothers Big Sisters event the other night and the only thing I have to say about that is: Haven’t the Little Brothers and Little Sisters been through enough? – Popoholic
Jake Gyllenhaal probably would’ve been a whole lot more scared if Taylor Swift popped out instead – Pajiba
Panty Creamer of the Day: This country singing dude – Popsugar
This is what Snooki’s latest baby looks like (SPOILER ALERT: She looks like me after smoking my third bowl) – ICYDK
You know, I was just saying to myself that I haven’t seen enough of Neil Patrick Harris’ face lately – HuffPo
In case you didn’t know this already, Cindy Crawford gave birth to her twin – The Berry
Um, isn’t that the way Frankie Grande Latte dresses every day? – OMG Blog
Olivia Benson’s like, “Girl, please, those aren’t the noises I make. Those are your sex moans and we both know it” – SOW
Besides Drew Barrymore and Debi Mazar who were extremely hot as Sugar and Spice, Batman Forever was a neon turd and apparently it was a huge, messy shit show behind-the-scenes too. Ever since that mess came out, there’s been rumors that there was a lot of fighting going on during filming and that Jim Carrey and Tommy Lee Jones got along as well as two Rockaway black bears. Jim Carrey was on Howard Stern (via UsWeekly) yesterday to promote Dumb and Dumber To and the rumors about him scrappin’ with TLJ on the set of Batman Forever came up. Jim Carrey said that yeah, the rumors are true, and then he told a story that should make all of us wish we will get into a fight with TLJ just once. Because he will spew out some poetic hate that will make your soul blossom.
After writing about that never-ending train wreck of sad that is the Honey Boo Boo situation, I prayed to the Gods for a palate cleanser and my prayers were answered when I logged onto one of the photo agency websites and these pictures of human rose Grace Jones holding a rose gently swept across my eyeballs. FYI: My irises are now the color of a moonstone and I didn’t have to get some suspect shit implanted into them by a suspect doctor, TINY.
While dressed like a bag lady Sith Lord and wearing stunning Batman logo sunglasses, the Mistress of EVERYTHING left a joint party she threw with Kate Moss in London last night. I throw a joint party every night too if you know what I mean. If you’re soul ever needs a pick-me up, just stare at Grace’s impeccable seesaw eyebrows and you’ll be taken up, up and anyway. Grace proves that if you want to have the brows a maniacal cartoon villain who is always plotting the end of the world, the only two things you need are a BIC pen and a level.
Here’s more pictures of Grace having an intimate moment with a rose in London. You know, every picture of Grace should be filled with roses, because hos should throw roses at her all the time. I also threw in some pictures of a drunk Kate Moss (that’s redundant) dressed like a coked up Muppet going to a Great Gatsby-themed slumber party.