Archives: October 2014

Chelsea Handler Is Pissed At Instagram After They Yanked Down A Picture Of Her Bare Titties

October 31, 2014 / Posted by:

On Thursday night, everyone’s favorite drunk aunt Chelsea Handler decided to celebrate Halloween a day early by posting this terrifying picture of her recreating Vladimir Putin’s topless horsie ride by mounting a stallion with her vodka-filled titty bags out (sans Chunk’s disapproving face covering her nipple bits, of course) to Instagram with the caption:

Anything a man can do, a woman has the right to do better #kremlin

I guess Chelsea didn’t get the memo that Instagram is the internet’s uptight pearl-clutching titty-hating memaw, because E! says they took one look at her boobie buttons, screamed “SMUT ALERT!!!!“, and ripped it down. Since the only thing Chelsea loves more than chugging goon bags of angel tears (aka BOOZE) is whipping out her tits, she decided to take a swipe at Instagram’s prudish overlords by posting a screen grab of the no-titty notice they sent her when they threw her topless pony pic in the trash and hissing out the following:

If a man posts a photo of his nipples, it’s ok, but not a woman? Are we in 1825?

Cut to Scout Willis and Princess RiRi sending Chelsea a box of Empire cookies and a note that says “Welcome to the club! We meet every Wednesday at 7:30!

Instagram be tripping, because the uncensored picture isn’t even that scandalous. But if you really want to see Chelsea’s majestic bare titties, they’re hidden after the cut:

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

October 31, 2014 / Posted by:

Ben Cooper, Inc. – The masters of Halloween who ruled October 31st for decades!

For years and years and years, October 31st was practically National Ben Cooper Day, because trillions of children wore the company’s cheap, janky, ugly costumes. They didn’t cost much. You could buy one absolutely anywhere and they were easy to wear. Ben Cooper himself was a costume designer and in the 1930s he started his company when Halloween started to become a thing thing. Ben Cooper, Inc. bought licenses to produce costumes based on popular characters (Mickey Mouse, Snow White, etc…) and as the years went on, they continued to buy licenses and pretty much had a costume for hundreds of TV, movie and cartoon characters. Their presidential masks were apparently a huge seller, because nothing is scarier than that.

Ben Cooper continued to be the King of Halloween until the early 1980s when hysteria hit after people in the Chicago area began dying from taking cyanide-laced Tylenol.  An evil doer or evil doers added lethal doses of potassium cyanide to capsules of Extra-Strength Tylenol. People bought the Tylenol not knowing that shit was death pills. The entire country freaked out thinking that the deranged murderers were going to start poisoning everything including Halloween candy. Some towns banned trick or treating. So instead of taking their kids out to collect potential death candy from strangers, parents threw Halloween parties. Ben Cooper’s flimsy ass apron and mask costumes didn’t cut it at the Halloween party. Costumes became a little more elaborate.

Ben Cooper still kept on, kept on and continued to sell costume stuff through the 1980s, but in 1988 they declared bankruptcy and a year later their factory burned to the ground. They were eventually bought out in 1992.

The 60s, 70s and really early 80s were the time to be a parent on Halloween. You could spend a few dollars on a Ben Cooper costume and call it a day. Who cares if that costume was highly flammable and if your kid got near a candle they’d turn into a human torch. Who cares if that Ben Cooper mask made your kid look like a serial killer and distributor of nightmares. Who cares about any of that! You didn’t have to spend your nights making them some dumb stupid costume so they could win some dumb stupid prize at a dumb stupid costume contest.

I never had a Ben Cooper costume as a kid (I know, I should turn my mom into CPS for depriving me of a classic), but I may get one now. I’ve got my eye on that She-Ra one in the gallery. I’ll just wear it with sweats while I lounge around the house. Or if I’m ever in the mood to rob a bank, I’ll have the perfect mask for it.

Happy National Ben Cooper Day, everyone!

Pics: Google, DoG, eBay, Flickr

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Birthday Sluts

October 31, 2014 / Posted by:

Vanilla Ice (47)
Tinkerbell Hilton (12)
Willow Smith (14)
Vanessa Marano (22)
Justin Chatwin (32)
Samaire Armstrong (34)
Eddie Kaye Thomas (34)
Piper Perabo (38)
Linn Berggren of Ace of Base (44)
Irina Pantaeva (47)
Ad-Rock (48)
Annabella Lwin (48)
Dermot Mulroney (51)
Johnny Marr (51)
Rob Schneider (51)
Larry Mullen Jr. (53)
Peter Jackson (53)
Brian Stokes Mitchell (57)
Jane Pauley (64)
Deidre Hall (67)
Stephen Rea (68)
David Ogden Stiers (72)
Sally Kirkland (73)
Ron Rifkin (75)
Dan Rather (83)
Lee Grant (88)

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Night Crumbs

October 30, 2014 / Posted by:

It’s An AHHHHHH Thing: Evil cyborg Martha Stewart’s got her eye on you, GoopyLainey Gossip

Lisa Kudrow is not about to take pictures of her smelly cat (sorry) – Celebitchy

Jerry O’Connell and Rebecca Romjin prove that Haunted House Hunters is a show that needs to exist in real life – Funny or Die

In other news, the National Guard has been called into McIntyre, GA after the gallons of shit falling out of June the Hutt’s mouth threaten to flood the region – Reality Tea

Another day, another set of pictures of Taylor Swift wearing a grandma’s drill team costume – Drunken Stepfather

Jake Gyllenhaal and Jimmy Fallon give each other facials – Towleroad

You’re the one that I DON’T want – The Superficial

Courteney Cox has the exact complexion of the candle burning next to me - Hollywood Tuna

Here’s Chloe Sevigny’s nipple, in case your eyes haven’t landed on that before – (NSWFish) WWTDD

Do you have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? I’m asking, because you and everyone else on Earth should’ve gotten one before Kaley Cuoco did – Popoholic

Bianca del Rio and Adore Delano FINALLY star in a Starbucks commercial – Popsugar

Lily Montgomery from All My Children is going to be in True Detective. I really hope this means that Erica Kane is going to be the third detective – Pajiba

The Robsten crazies will have to move their headquarters to London because Robert Pattinson is moving back there to be closer to FKA TwigsICYDK

Harpo, who dis woman, cause it can’t be Lindsay LohanThe Berry

Natalie Wood’s ghost is haunting her old boat. Makes sense – Defamer

Kate Moss > the rest – Just Jared

And I still would – Celebslam

Just like that, Monica Gellar has become my favorite FriendThe Frisky

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The Look Or Not The Look: St. Angie Jolie With A Parched Strawberry Blonde Wig On Her Head

October 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Dame St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt (no titles) are still in Malta shooting their own Eyes Wide Shut titled By The Sea and the other day a guest star made an appearance on her head. It’s nice to know that the dehydrated, thirsty, Pedialyte-needing creature that was on Beyonce’s head a little while ago grew outs its bangs, reinvented itself as a strawberry blond and found a new job on St. Angie’s head.

By The Sea takes places in the 70s, which is obviously why she looks like the 70s spit up all over her. St. Angie looks like a frazzled housewife circa 1974 who leaves her cheating politician husband after he’s involved in a cheating scandal and joins a cult that believes only weak humans eat food and superhuman get all their nourishment from eating air. Yes, I got all that from one picture and I haven’t even hit the bong yet. Since St. Angie wanted her character to go blond, she should’ve left that dead cat wig alone and brought back her greatest look of all-time. Her Life Or Something Like It look:

dollypartonblondewig

That sixth-rate Dolly Parton impersonator hair… Those faded Dracula brows… Now that is glamour. That IS the look.

Pics: FameFlynet

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Queen Latifah Cancels Her Interview With Bill Cosby After Old Sexual Assault Allegations Come Back Up

October 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Stories about Bill Cosby’s alleged rapist ways have been around a long time, but that horrifying shit exploded against our monitors again last week when a video of comedian Hannibal Buress calling America’s so-called beloved TV father out in one of his sets made the rounds. The allegations were pulled out from under a huge pile of ugly sweaters and people were talking about it again. Also, actress Barbara Bowman recently told The Daily Mail about how Bill Cosby allegedly drugged and assaulted her. So because all of these allegations are coming back, TMZ says that The Queen Latifah Show decided that maybe it’s not such a good idea to have him on and they snatched back their invitation.

Production sources tell us Latifah honchos didn’t want the association so they 86′d Cosby. They’re particularly sensitive because a video from Latifah’s show just went viral, showing a 13-year-old gay kid going crazy on the show after winning VIP Ru Paul tickets.

A rep for the show says that Bill Cosby’s team pressed the pause button on the interview and it has nothing to do with Diva Boy, but TMZ stands by their story.

Some are slow clapping for Queen LaQueefah, because they think after years of the mainstream media not doing anything about the allegations, she’s actually doing something about it. Others are shaking their heads at the Grand Dame of the Closet (sorry, Travolta), because after years of the mainstream media pretty much ignoring the allegations, she’s continuing to ignore them by not having Bill Cosby on her show so she can ask him about them. I don’t know. I’ve seen The Queen Latifah Show and if my chihuahua could speak, he’d ask more hard-hitting questions than she does. Queen Latifah is trying to be the next Ellen DeGeneres (sans that whole “coming out” thing of course) and is not trying to be the next Diane Sawyer. If she had him on, there’s no way she’d bring up those allegations. That interview would be covered with more sugar than what’s in Wanda’s Macaroni Salad. He’d zip zop bippity bop out nonsense and when he’d offer Queen Latifah a Puddin’ Pop, she’s awkwardly decline out of fear that shit is drugged.

Queen Latifah should just cancel all of her guests and have Brendan “Diva Boy” Jordan on every single day. In case you didn’t get doused with ten waves of glitter while watching it, here’s one of the supposed reasons why Bill Cosby got kicked off of the show. Diva Boy is like a one-kid Paris Is Burning with a dash of Vera Charles from Mame. He’s like a preteen me on roids:

I love it when a clip is both relevant to the post and a palate cleanser.

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RUDE! Two Beauty-Hating Assholes Have Been Bullying Bruce Jenner On The Golf Course

October 30, 2014 / Posted by:

I know, I can’t believe it either. But according to TMZ, there are a couple of dickheads out there who have committed the unspeakably evil act of coming for flawless life diamond Bruce Jenner on the golf course. Have fun giving never-ending blowjobs to Satan, assholes, cause you just earned a yourselves a one-way ticket to Hell!

TMZ says that almost everyone who golfs with Bruce at his Thousand Oaks club loves him (DUH, he’s practically a living breathing Precious Moments angel figurine), but recently he’s found himself on the receiving end of some bitchy Mean Girl behavior. A source claims that one golfer passed Bruce and yelled: “How’s your dick?“. Rather than telling the truth and explaining that he’s still in the process of retrieving it from Kris Jenner’s klaws, Bruce replied by joking: “It’s right here. It hasn’t worked in 20 years.” Shortly after, another golfer cornered him in the locker room and started making fun of his gorgeous ombré ponytail before joking that he was going to cut it off.

Those caddy shack cunts! How DARE they come for Bruce like that? They’re obviously just jealous that God didn’t bless them with a glorious head of shimmering shoulder-length chestnut-colored hair or the right undertones to work a tricky color like Magenta Splash on their nails. Not to mention it must kill them every day to walk into the locker room and find a come-to-life Greek God staring back at them while working that body-oddy-oddy like “Oh, this old thing?

I feel compelled to get Bruce a giant cookie cake from Mrs. Fields that says “DON’T LET THOSE JEALOUS BITCHES GET YOU DOWN, BOO BOO!“, but it would be a total waste of money. Bruce would be like “Who?? What jealous bitches?“. He probably doesn’t even know they exist. An opulent diva like Bruce has no time for tacky beauty-hating hags!

Pics: Splash

Open Post: Hosted By The Poor Bride Whose Ass Kissed The Concrete On Her Wedding Day

October 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Because people falling is weed-infused Prozac for the soul, below is a video of a bride and groom doing the dun-dun-duh-BOOM march into their wedding reception after getting married in Camp Verde, Arizona. The groom tells ABC News in an interview (because THIS IS NEWS) that he thought it would be a really good idea to carry his new wife into the party, but when he tripped, gravity wouldn’t let them be great and they both married the sidewalk. The groom, Chad Kannard, says that the fall only looks brutal and they didn’t spend their honeymoon in physical therapy. They only suffered a few cuts and a fracture to their embarrassment bones. The bride, Julia Magdaleno, says that even though they started their marriage off with bruised ass cheeks (that’s how I want to start my marriage too!), they laughed about it.

“I was like ‘go figure,’ like, I’m so type A where I need to, like, make sure everything’s planned out and this one moment where I just let it go, what you think would be the worst thing possible happened, but I got up and I was laughing so hard. I thought it was, like, the best thing that’s ever happened.”

Here’s the video and you might want to lube up your tonsils before pressing play, because if you’re like me, you’ll scream “Move that goddamn barrel” over and over again. If you’re going to fall in front of a camera at your wedding reception, at least move the barrel first so all of us can clearly see it. So selfish.

And yet, she didn’t even think about letting go of that bouquet. A true champion.

But seriously, why oh why couldn’t this have happened to Kimye at their wedding?! Actually, I don’t mean that. Because if that happened, we’d all be trying to open a can of beans with a rat tooth while huddling together in a cave made of rubble after “the big one” hit and destroyed most of civilization.

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Paul Reubens Confirms That Another Pee-wee Herman Movie Is Definitely Happening

October 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Sweet sassy Jambi, why are Pee-wee’s eyes so red? I bet that little ginger shithead Randy has something to do with it. Probably gave him pink eye. Fucking Randy.

Paul Reubens (who I like to pretend is actually Pee-wee Herman’s creepy uncle) confirmed on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon Wednesday night that nearly 30 years after the amazing Pee-wee’s Big Adventure (and 27 years after the…uh…slightly less amazing Big Top Pee-wee), Pee-wee Herman will be returning to the big screen. Reubens says he’s written the script, hired a director (he won’t say who), and plans to begin production in February of 2015 with Judd Apatow producing. So far it’s all very hush-hush, but if Judd Apatow is producing it, then there’s a good chance the part of Dottie will be played by Seth Rogen.

Pee-wee’s Big Adventure is practically a religion to me, and there’s nothing I would like more than to let Paul Reubens take me to church. But Pee-wee is 30 years older now, and I’m not sure I want to see Pee-wee going on a cross-country adventure to find his lost Hoveround or trying to do the Tequila dance and breaking a hip. Aw, who am I kidding? I’ll be there on opening night dressed as Sharon Needles dressed as Pee-wee Herman. I should start shopping for some stretch plaid now.

And I hope Paul Reubens plans on filming this shit in Heaven, because you can’t make a new Pee-wee movie without Large Marge, Hobo Jack, and the bitchy Alamo tour guide! Especially the bitchy Alamo tour guide! Pee-wee is NOTHING without hearing Jan Hooks giggle-hiss out “Thayres no baysement at the Ahlahmow!

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