Archives: October 2014

Sarah Jessica Parker Has Pissed Off The West Village By Covering Their Stoops In Shoes

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Because Sex and the City – the horny 4-headed cerberus from Hell named Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and whatever Rojo Caliente’s wife’s name was – will never ever die, Sarah Jessica Parker chose to stage a photo shoot for her shoe line, SJP, outside 66 Perry Street in New York City’s West Village, aka Carrie Bradshaw’s apartment. Unfortunately, the people who currently live there now are sick and tired of the never-ending armies of SATC-obsessed women mashing their half-eaten Magnolia cupcakes into their brownstone stoops while they take 1,385 selfies in front of the pretend home of Our Lady of Manolos. So they’ve installed a chain along the front of their stairs, as well as a sign instructing people to step the fuck off. Oh, owners of 66 Perry Street – you’re such a Charlotte!

However, Sarah Jessica Parker clearly doesn’t give a fuck about signs or chains (that, or she saw that the little man on the sign had no feet, and thought the “Do NOT go on the staircase please” rule only applied to footless amputee shadow people) because she decided to dump a fuckload of her high heels all over the stoop of 66 Perry and along the sidewalk. Then she took a bunch of pictures for Instagram, collected her shoes, and galloped off into the sunset.

And now Page Six says that the residents of Perry Street are fucking PISSED, because SJP violated their neighborhood with her blatant disregard of their sign. THE AUDACITY! A source claims the owners of 66 Perry have tried to contact SJP for an explanation of how she could endorse such a photo shoot, considering there is a very clear ‘no trespassing’ sign. So far, SJP hasn’t returned their calls. But Page Six says that the president of the Perry Street HOA, Gerald Banu, is aware of the situation, and understands why they’re so mad:

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Open Post: Hosted By Sister Cristina Scuccia’s Cover Of “Like A Virgin”

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

In case you forgot, Sister Cristina Scuccia is the singing nun who won Italy’s The Voice after she lifted everyone’s ears into the heavens with her angelic voice and made us all throw our hands up in the air while proclaiming, “Sister Act is real.” Sister Cristina won a contract with Universal and the first single off of her new album is a cover of Madonna’sLike A Virgin,” because the first line of the music industry bible reads: STUNTS SELL.

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Ryan Phillippe Has Only Made 5 Good Movies, Says Ryan Phillippe

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Ryan Phillippe, seen above in all his panty-dampening ramen-haired glory in 54 (which I presume is not one of the 5 good movies he’s talking about) recently spoke to the Los Angeles Times (via Us Weekly) about his new film Catch Hell, a movie he co-wrote, directed, and stars in as a washed-up actor named Reagan Pierce (oh boy) who gets kidnapped by a pair of rednecks one day on set. Ryan confessed that the character of Reagan was inspired by his own career, one that he admits has been pretty dookie-filled:

“I did this terrible movie with 50 Cent,” he told me, referring to the 2011 heist flick “Setup” — which as far as I can tell, was never even released theatrically. “It was just a situation I didn’t want to be in. I was sold a bill of goods and it turned out to be something different, which is often the case in this business. I’ve made 30-plus films over 20 years. And in my opinion, five of them are good.”

I’m sorry, but acting along side noted thespian 50 Cent is a PRIVILEGE! Ryan should be so lucky! Besides, getting paid a couple hundred thousand to show up and burp out some lines for a direct-to-DVD movie starring 50 Cent sounds like he’s living the dream. And I bet he still gets that sweet Laura Jean Poon AMERICAN CITIZEN child support money. Jealous!

Ryan never mentions what his 5 ‘good’ films are, but let’s hop over to his IMDB page and see if we can’t figure out what 5 movies he’s talking about. Clearly MacGruber is #1. White Squal is both #2 and #3. I’ve never seen Five Fingers, but it sounds hot, so that’s #4. And I’d say that 54 is #5, because anyone who could act opposite Mike Myers in low-budget drowsy-faced Steve Rubell drag without bursting out laughing truly deserves an Oscar.

And Here’s Amber Rose As A Zombie Peg Bundy And Carmen Electra As A Glam Chola

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

We’re still 10 days away from the streets filling up with tricks dressed up as a slutty Ebola strain (“You mean Paris Hilton, right?” – you), a slutty Hazmat worker, a slutty butt plug Christmas tree, a slutty Olaf from Frozen and a slutty Ice Bucket Challenger, but Amber Rose celebrated Halloween early last night by throwing herself a costume party for her 31st birthday in L.A.

Nick Cannon’s maybe piece and the future ex-wife of the stoned scarecrow Jack Skellington did herself up as Peg Bundy if Peg Bundy was in a crossover episode of The Walking Dead and Married With Children. Amber’s guests included Carmen Electra as a glamorous new money chola as seen through the eyes of Liberace, Blac Chyna as a stripper nun, someone as a pregnant Tupac, Karkoochie Tran as a doormat and The Difficult Brown as a dried, crusty menstrual prune.

Amber Rose as Zombie Peg Bundy IS the look and I only say that because for a good 3 seconds I seriously thought Spaz de la Huerta got a bad chemical face peel, dyed her hair brassy ginger and got Kim Kartrashian’s ass surgeon to implant 3 plastic hams in her ass. If anybody says to you, “You’re kind of giving me Spaz de la Huerta vibes,” you should immediately shellac yourself from head to toe. That look should be preserved forever.

And I fully expect The National Zombies Association to slap at Amber Rose for doing zombie face.

Pics: Splash

“Uh…You’re Staring At My Baby Bump, Right?”

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Sure thing boobies – errr, I mean, boobies – errr, I mean…aw fuck it, I’m too tit-notized to focus.

Blake Lively, the come-to-life antique mason jar filled with hand-squeezed lavender lemonade, and her hot husband Ryan Reynolds took a break from procuring the finest of organic hand-churned autumnal squash-flavored frozen sweet creams and small-batch hipster pickles to attend The Angel Ball in New York City on Monday night, and – BREAKING NEWS – I sort of love that Bland brought some pregnant Vegas showgirl class to the red carpet by showing up with her knocked-up booby balloons squeezing out of her dress. I’ve never been pregnant, but I have been so bloated from binge eating Bic Macs in an attempt to find the Boardwalk sticker in McDonald’s Monopoly (pray for me, I think my heart might be dead), so I kind of know what it’s like for your tits to grow two sizes overnight. You wanna show that shit off!

I even love that she wrapped her fetus suite in a tight stretchy pastel yellow fabric; she looks like a stretched-out Easter peep or a misshapen wedge of manchego cheese. Not to mention that she’s working a pretty tight no-dye pregnancy hair game. Although I’m sure we’ll find out later on Preserve.us that she’s found a way to dye it naturally using freshly-crushed fall leaves mixed with a paste made from bee-collected chamomile flower pollen and organic meyer lemon rinds.

Here’s more of Bland and Van Wilder staring longingly into each others eyes like a couple of horny come-to-life Precious Moments figurines in front of a million photographers at The Angel Ball last night. To quote Brian The Chotchkie’s Waiter from Office Space: “Get a room you two!

Pics: Wenn.com

Pour Out 40 Ounces Of Lemon Juice, Renee Zellweger’s Signature Squint Is Gone Forever

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

A year ago, many of us filed an identity theft claim with the FBI, the police, Obama, Detective La Toya and Morris Chestnut when somebody claiming to be Squinty Zellweger showed up to an Armani event looking nothing like Squinty Zellweger. Some of us stared at the open-eyed stranger in front of us and screamed, “PAPERS PLEASE!” I thought then that Renee’s pulled and tucked face would settle a lot and she’d go back to looking like she’s staring directly into the sun after swallowing a cup of Sour Patch Kids dust. But it’s been a year and I guess I have to permanently bury “Squinty Zellweger” next to “Fishsticks Paltrow” in the nickname cemetery, because Squinty Zellweger really is no more.

At Elle’s 21st Annual Women In Hollywood Awards last night, the photographers screamed, “Ms. Grey! Ms. Parker! Ms. Flockhart! Ms. Watts! Ms. Wright! Oh, whoever you are, over here, over here,” when Renee Zellweger worked the red carpet with her Sideshow Howard Stern-looking ass man Doyle Bramhall. These pictures have been spread all over the Internet today and nobody can really agree on who she looks like, but they all agree that she doesn’t look like Renee Zellweger. I’ve read that she looks like Jennifer Grey, a composite sketch of Robin Wright and Naomi Watts’ baby, a clay figurine of Juliette Lewis, etc… etc…

This Renee Zellweger doesn’t look bad, she just doesn’t look like Renee Zellweger. The 3-day-old danish I just ate looked more like Renee Zellweger and it wasn’t even lemon-filled. And that eyebrow situation. Hollywood’s former hardest-working beard deserves better than eyebrows that look like they’ve been through some shit.

We still shouldn’t cancel our identity theft claim, because I wouldn’t be surprised if Squinty Zellweger is tied up in a closet somewhere while this impostor is out here living her life. I bet Joey Lauren Adams is behind this. I never trusted that shifty bitch. Now that Renee Zellweger no longer looks like Renee Zellweger, the producers of Bridget Jones are probably going to ask Joey Lauren Adams to play Bridget in the next movie. Mission accomplished, JLA, mission accomplished.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Duchess Kate Went Back To Work

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

After spending the last several weeks hunched over one of the gem-encrusted golden toilets at Kensington Palace barfing her knocked-up guts out, Duchess Kate is finally well enough to slip on a pair of pantyhose and pull out the eyeliner and return to work. Praise be to the pregnancy gods! It’s been too long since Duchess Kate smiled and waved and wore a silly little hat and wore an outfit that sold out in 0.03 seconds! Curse you, hyperemesis gravidarum, you Harry Potter-sounding hurl-making killjoy!

The Daily Mail says that Kate’s first job back from sick leave was to pack up the royal fetus in a fancy Alexander McQueen coat and join Prince William at Buckingham Palace to install new drywall in the den and re-paint the powder room. No! It was to welcome the President of Singapore and his wife. They shook hands! They drank tea! Duchess Kate tried very hard to keep from using her tiny hat as a makeshift barf bag! Meanwhile, Prince Harry was also chilling out in Buckingham Palace with a case of the sicks too, but it was because one of the guards dared him to chug 6 Jägerbombs and play spinny bat with St. Edward’s Sceptre the night before.

After they met with the President of Singapore, Kate and Will then whistled for the valet to bring around their horse-drawn whip and they went home. Phew! What a day! Sounds exhausting. But really, all sarcasm aside, I’m sure it was exhausting. Have you ever tried to work with a case of the barfs? It’s fucking DIFFICULT! And I’ve heard that morning sickness is like a hangover dry humped food poisoning, so I bet Kate was working overtime to make sure she didn’t blow crumpet chunks on the President or his wife.

Here’s more of Kate and William working 9 to 5 (9:00am to 9:05am). Fun Fact! Kate is about 13 weeks pregnant, which means that judging by the size of her tummy bump, that puts my bloated cheeseburger locker at around 24 weeks. Congratulations to me!

Pics: Splash

Oscar Pistorius Gets Five Years In Prison For Killing Reeva Steenkamp, But He’ll Most Likely Be Released A Lot Earlier

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above holding in a snot stream of sadness he planned to release for the cameras if the judge actually hit him with the maximum punishment, Oscar Pistorius was finally sentenced today for shooting his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp to death through a toilet room door. Judge Thokozile Masipa, who found him guilty of culpable homicide (which is basically manslaughter to us hos in the US) last month, sentenced him to 5 years in the clink. To put that time in perspective, it took me longer to read The Guardian’s entire article about his sentencing. Oscar faced a maximum sentence of 15 years in the chokey, but since he’s a rich, famous athlete, if that happened we’d all be flying through the universe right now, because the earth’s core would’ve exploded.

Before sentencing, prosecutors asked the judge to hit him with 10 years in jail and Oscar’s lawyers asked for community service and house arrest. Judge Masipa told the court that she believed her sentence was fair:

“A non-custodial sentence would send the wrong message to the community. On the other hand, a long sentence would also not be appropriate either, as it would lack
the element of mercy.”

Element of mercy? Oh yeah, that’s what was missing from Oscar’s brain when he shot through that door three times.

After the judge gently slapped Oscar on the wrist, Reeva’s family told the BBC that they believe justice was served and they’re ready to move on. Oscar’s uncle told reporters that his nephew “will embrace the opportunity to pay back to society.

Just because Oscar was sentenced to 5 years in jail, doesn’t mean he’s going to be locked up for 5 years in jail. He’ll most likely be released really early for good behavior. Oscar’s lawyer thinks he’ll spend 10 months in jail before serving the rest of his sentence on house arrest in his fancy house. Prosecutors believe he’ll serve 2 years in jail. He was also given a three-year suspended sentence for a firearms charge and he must turn in all of his guns and his gun license.

The International Olympic Committee hasn’t said anything about this, but the International Paralympic Committee has banned him from competing for 5 years. His Olympic career is probably done, so now he can spend all his time on fancy house arrest writing a book titled “IF I Murdered Her.

Pic: AP

Hot Slut Of The Day!

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

The “virtual autopsy” picture of King Tut! 

If Hollywood made a King Tut biopic right now, they’d probably dye Zac Efron’s hair black and cast him in the title role. But according to a “virtual autopsy,” King Tut looked more like the love child of Prince William and a Concorde Pear.

For the BBC documentary Tutankhamun: The Truth Uncovered, researchers did a virtual autopsy composite using over 2,000 computer scans of his burial mask and results they got from doing a genetic analysis of his family. Researchers discovered that King Tut’s parents were part of The Incest Is Best Club, because they were brother and sister. Expect St. Angie Jolie to announce that she plans to direct a biopic of King Tut’s parents starring her and James Haven.

The Daily Mail says that because his mom was also his tia and his uncle was also his tio, he was born with physical impairments including a club foot. Scientists also think he died of an inherited disease when he was 19. Earlier this year, egyptologists from the American University in Cairo discovered that King Tut’s dick was embalmed at a 90-degree angle. They didn’t see how long it was. I know, what kind of researchers are they?

So, there you go. There’s a true-to-life, 100% authentic picture of a 19-year-old King Tut working the shit out of an Egyptian diaper. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we’d all hit it. He was king! That diaper’s probably filled with gold.

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