Archives: October 2014

Greta Gerwig Is Probably Going To Play An Adult Wiener-Dog In A Follow-Up To “Welcome To The Dollhouse”

October 24, 2014 / Posted by:

I’ve watched all of Todd Solondz’s fucked-up, weird movies (Happiness, Storytelling, Palindromes, Dark Horse, etc…) several times, but the one that speaks to my soul the most is 1995′s Welcome to the Dollhouse, because it perfectly sums up how awful, awkward and shitty junior high school is. In that ode to 90s preteen awkwardness, Heather Matarazzo played Dawn Wiener, a fashion forward, nerdy 7th grader who’s constantly bullied at school and has a home life that is just as crappy. In Palindromes (SPOILER ALERT), we learn that Dawn Wiener offed herself in college. IMDB says that Todd Solondz wanted Heather Matarazzo to play Dawn again in Palindromes, but she told him, “Drop dead, lesbo.” No, but she didn’t want to play Wiener-Dog anymore for some reason, which makes no sense to me, because why wouldn’t she want to put on that white nutsack hair ponytail again?

The Hollywood Reporter says that Todd is working on another Welcome to the Dollhouse follow-up called Wiener-Dog and indie actress Greta Gerwig, who was in Frances Ha and To Rome With Love, is in talks to play grown up Dawn Wiener. Todd is also talking to Julie Delpy about taking a role. THR explains Wiener-Dog’s plot like this:

The script tells several stories featuring people who find their life inspired or changed by one particular dachshund, who seems to be spreading comfort and joy.

What I’m getting from that HIGHLY detailed plot line is that after Dawn Wiener killed herself, she was reincarnated into an actual wiener dog. They better cast a wiener dog who can work the hell out of a ruffled clown blouse and who will keep the Special People’s Club alive.

What I really want to know is, who in the hell is going to play Dawn’s only friend Ralphie?

ralphie-2

Glenn Close in Albert Nobbs kind of looks like Ralphie, so my vote for the grown up Ralphie is Glenn Close in her Albert Nobbs drag.

Pics: Wenn.com, MNPP

Shameless Pimp Kris Jenner’s Kook Book Features A Recipe For Nicole Simpson’s Chicken Nachos

October 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Just when you think that rubber-faced hustler couldn’t dig any lower into the bottom of the barrel (bitch could hit wood and will keep digging ’till her shovel reached the Earth’s core), Kris Jenner has found a new way to pimp someone out, and for the first time in recent history, it’s not one of the drowsy hookers who fell from her pimp krotch! PMK recently released a cook book called In The Kitchen With Kris (working title: What’s A Kitchen?) and according to Page Six, one of the recipes inside features chicken nachos à la the late Nicole Brown Simpson. Keep it klassy, Kris!

Kris says that chicken nachos are the first things she thinks of when she remembers Nicole Simpson, because she was an amazing cook and putting chicken on tortilla chips was sort-of her specialty. Kris says Nicole’s chicken nachos were so good, they had a cult following. DUH – nachos are delicious! Has Kris never had nachos before? Because she’s really losing her shit over these nachos. I bet next she’ll tell us about this really awesome cheese dip Khloe makes called “kay-soh”.

I’m glad Kris has found a way to honor her friend, but naming a nacho recipe in your krappy kook book after her? Nicole Brown Simpson must be sitting by the pool in heaven thinking: “Really bitch? My food legacy was Velveeta melted on corn chips? Fuck off, Kris.” Everyone knows the food-as-heartlfet-memory hierarchy is as follows: fruit pie, cream pie, chili, soup/chowder, holiday stuffing, then maybe if your desperate, lemonade. Nacho recipes are for dentists and old college roommates! Nachos. SMH.

And if nachos aren’t your thing, I’m sure Kris has a recipe somewhere in that book for the food that reminds her the most of her daughter, Kim Kardashian: hot dogs! “My daughter Kim has always loved to put wieners in her mouth.” Here’s Kris’ highest earning hooker looking like a goth slug while filming KUWTK yesterday:

Pics: Splash

Bristol Palin Spits On The Media For Twisting “The Truth” About Her Family’s Drunken Brawl

October 24, 2014 / Posted by:

The Palin family’s drunken, messy, sloppy, snowmobile tussle is truly the trashy gift that keeps on giving.

The other day, audio came out of the Camo Duchess of Wasilla, Bristol Palin, crying out to the police after her family was involved in a booze-fueled fight at a snowmobile party in Anchorage. TMZ also posted pictures of Bristol’s LIFE-THREATENING (not at all) cuts and bruises. There’s been several versions of what happened. Some says that the Palins started it and others (read: The Mama Grizzly Gang) says that the Palins are the innocent victims in all of this. Bristol, a lifelong card carrying member of the victim club, farted out a blog post (via UsWeekly) about this SCANDAL and of course, she writes that her family is innocent and the “liberal media” is only dragging the story out because they’re conservatives. Bristol wonders if we even heard about Joe Biden’s coke-snorting son getting kicked out of the Navy for Lohan’ing it or the story about Chelsea Clinton’s fraudster father-in-law. Um, Bristol should take a tip from her mom and read ALL the papers, because those stories were covered.

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Taylor Swift Says She Hasn’t Gone On A Date In Over A Year

October 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Taylor Swift, the come-to-life Russian nesting doll comprised of an 83-year-old cookie-baking granny inside a 12-year-old part-time babysitter inside a melodramatic 24-year-old woman with a cat fetish with the heart of a whipped cream-covered butterscotch sundae, recently confessed to The Sun (via The Daily Mail) that she hasn’t been to nary a single drive-in movie or strawberry social with a gentleman caller in 18 months. But don’t you shed a single tear for Sweet Valley Swift – she’s happy that nobody’s been into her down-low peppermint rose garden in over a year, because it has given her more time to get to know (cue Lifetime-sounding music)…herself.

“I get stressed when I think about getting into a relationship because I get beat up in the press whenever I go near a boy. So you can understand why I’m taking a bit of a break. A relationship is not in my brain right now. Staying single has been the best thing I have done… I’m not wary of getting into another relationship. I’m just protective of my independence and freedom, more protective than I have been before. I always thought, ‘What could be better than to love someone and be loved back?’ I finally found what it is to love yourself and not need anyone to love you back.”

Tay Tay, why you lie?? There’s no way she quit the boys cold-turkey for a whole 18-months. I bet there’s a half-eaten Duncan Hines Brownie Husband sitting in Tay Tay’s apartment right now (we’ll know for sure if she writes a song called “Lover With A Melted Chocolate Heart” sometime in the next 10 months).

The only thing I don’t want to think about is Taylor’s “love yourself” comment. My brain is NOT prepared to handle the image of Tay Tay lighting a couple dozen vanilla-scented candles and ‘tending to her rose garden’, so to speak. That’s between Tay Tay and her vibrating Sailor Moon wand.

And to prove that relationships with boys are not on her brain right now, here’s Tay Tay performing that song about her relationship with Harry Styles on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night in the middle of Hollywood Blvd. She has truly moved on!

Here’s more of Tay Tay serving up some Upper East Side Fly Girl realness on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night.

Pics: Splash

And There Goes Honey Boo Boo…..

October 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Just one day after TMZ puked up a two-week-old picture of Mama June cuddling up next to the ex-piece who just finished serving 10 years in the chokey for molesting one of her 8-year-old relatives, TLC derailed the sketti sauce train and cut their losses while watching it crash and burn. The makers of diabetes meds are in the fetal position under their desks this morning, because the show they counted on to push more product is done. A entire season of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo was shot, but TLC is not airing it and has canceled the show over the allegations that Mama June is dating a convicted child molester. TLC executives fed cheese balls and sketti sauce to a bull and waited around until it shit up this pile of bullshit:

“Supporting the health and welfare of these remarkable children is our only priority. TLC is faithfully committed to the children’s ongoing comfort and well-being.”

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!

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Tori Spelling Is Apparently In The Middle Of A Nervous Breakdown

October 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Dealing with the insane pressure of being a top-level dramatic mess of a fame whore while working tirelessly to come up with new and even-more shameless ways to pimp out her made-up relationship problems to the media has finally taken its toll on Tori Spelling. Multiple sources close to Tori have told TMZ that Donna Martin is having a nervous breakdown. Apparently Tori’s “Ebola scare” was as fake as her tits (SHOCKING, I know), and the real reason she checked herself into Cedars-Sinai last weekend was to deal with some heavy emotional shit.

The sources (let’s just for a moment pretend they weren’t actually Tori at a Cedars-Sinai payphone in a pair of Groucho glasses) claim that Tori is in a bad way because her marriage to The Beady-Eyed Canadian Sex Possum (aka The Deaner) is a fucking mess. The Deaner apparently tried to hire a nanny who Tori thought would put the kids at risk. He’s also been missing AA meetings. “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing ‘em!” – The Deaner.

Tori is also stressed the fuck out because she and The Deaner have no money. They’ve blown through her $800,000 inheritance, and she believes that both her television/movie career and reality fame whore days are over. The sources go on to say that she’s started faking illnesses to get attention (Ebola) but she’s faking too much and now she’s really sick. Just like she was totally maybe pregnant? Speaking of shamelessly trying to drum up some ratings for her reality show, Tori posted the above hospital selfie to Instagram yesterday with the following caption:

This sick in hospital I finally see how quickly life can take it all away frm you. We all need 2 step up frm inside& go 4 it! W/our friends by our side. Sadly I’ve finally faced truth that 1 person will never be there 4 me #TrueTori

Oh my god, I wonder who that 1 person could be??? Wait a minute…this Instagram comment that I totally didn’t just make up might explain things!

@torispelling: What’s crappenin? U still in the hospital? Damn, u look like shit! Hey, is it cool if I swing by the ICU and grab some cash? The Deaner is running low on brewski funds and Poppa Possum be thirsty! Smell ya later! BTW – save me some Jello?

No Tori! Don’t give him any of your hospital Jello! He doesn’t deserve it!

Pic: Instagram

Hot Slut Of The Day!

October 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Nosy Bears, the coked up teddy bears from the 80s!

Coke really was the bad shit of choice in the 80s and it was so big that even the teddy bears were snorting it up. The Nosy Bears were neon and pastel colored teddy bears with snow globe noses that came alive when you’d squeeze their bellies. Each drugged up, raver ass-looking Nosy Bear had a plastic globe nose with a scene in it. There was a Nosy Bear whose nose popped popcorn and a Nosy Bear whose nose had a little car in it. Ghost Of The Doll says they hit the toy store stroll in 1987 and were around until they retired (read: went to rehab) sometime in the 90s. Playskool, their creators, replaced them in the 90s with the Rolly Eyed Bears, bears with eyes that would light up and roll around every time you waved a glow stick in front of their faces (because coke was out and E was in). No, the Rolly Eyed Bears didn’t exist, sadly.

Warning: If you press the play button on the Nosy Bears commercial below, the song will snort its way into your brain and stay there all day. “They have a nose for fuuuuuh-uuuuuun….

We know what the Lohan kids got every year for Christmas in the late 80s.

The Nosy Bears have been out of the spotlight for years, but it’s been reported that they recently turned up in Brazil at a Neves 4 Prez rally. They have a nose for fun and for Brazilian politics!

Pic: MLPTP (For Meagan)

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Birthday Sluts

October 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Kevin Kline (67)
Shenae Grimes (25)
Drake (28)
Wayne Rooney (29)
Adrienne Bailon (31)
VV Brown (31)
Tila Tequila (33)
Casey Wilson (34)
Zac Posen (34)
Monica (34)
Ben Gillies (35)
Caprice Bourret (43)
Mary Bono (53)
B.D. Wong (54)
F. Murray Abraham (75)
Bill Wyman (78)

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Night Crumbs

October 23, 2014 / Posted by:

While wearing a dress that made her chichis royale look like the Transformers logo, Duchess Kate worked her third event in one week tonight. THE QUEEN better give her overtime, because this is ridiculous and I’m sure it’s breaking some labor laws – Lainey Gossip

Sad Keanu Reeves is sad that the mean studios aren’t calling him – Celebitchy

Teresa Giudice is going to the Orange is the New Black prison after all and please, please, please put her in the same room as VeeReality Tea

Christian Bale just burned all the clothes in his closet and replaced them with black turtlenecks and dad jeans, because he’s getting ready to play Steve JobsTime

Um, I thought Lindsay Lohan was really into Brazilian politics now. This selfie would’ve been better if “Neves 4 Prez” was written on her tits in coke – Drunken Stepfather

I guess The Avengers: Age of Ultron trailer is to nerds what the hooker episode of Golden Girls playing on the Hallmark Channel is to me – The Superficial

Olivia Munn giving you Dollar Tree Black Swan – Hollywood Tuna

Nick Jonas’ nipples are out again – Towleroad

Jessica Lange did Lana Del Rey on American Horror Story: ACCENTS! and sadly she didn’t do “Fuck My Way To The Top”Jezebel

JLo’s ass comes out for We Day – Egotastic!

“Nananannanashutupshutupshutpnanannaa I’m not listening anannanaaaaaaa” – my mom after reading the Dr. Oz headline at the link – WWTDD

Lady CaCa wore period worm eyebrows on her face, because you know, it was Wednesday – ICYDK

Queen Aretha is too old and too seasoned for some stupid morning show shit – OMG Blog

More proof that Justin Timberlake probably rocked a baby into Jessica Biel’s body – Popsugar

And now, I’m blind – Popoholic

I’m still blind so I don’t know what this next link is about, but the sound of angry screams and pitchforks clinking against each other tells me it’s Kevin Hart in whiteface – SOW

The Bewitched TV reboot may just out-awful the Bewitched movie starring Nicole KidmanPajiba

FYI: Orlando Bloom isn’t licking Justin Bieber’s peen sweat off of Selena Gomez’s cooch – Just Jared

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