Michael Phelps Earns His Second Gold Medal In Dumbassery (UPDATE)

I know that celebrity deaths supposedly comes in threes, but do celeb whore DUIs really need to come in threes too? Two days after Amanda Bynes got put into handcuffs for driving while allegedly high on Adderall, the Geico caveman with a buzzcut known as Michael Phelps was arrested on suspicion of DUI in Baltimore, Maryland this morning. Bitch swims like a fish and drinks like a fish. Moron should’ve swam home! Something tells me that Debbie Phelps is not having a Chico’s kind of day today. Michael Phelps is to blame and he should be jailed for life for that.

The Baltimore Sun says that Michael Phelps’ white Range Rover was pulled over at around 1:40am on Interstate-395 after he was clocked by an officer’s radar going 84mph in a 45mph zone. The officer checked Michael Phelps’ speed while his dumb ass was going through a tunnel. During the stop, the officer noticed that the Cro-Magnon dolphin seemed drunk. In Michael Phelps’ defense, he always has that dead-eyed derp look about him. But Michael was plastered and according to the cop, he failed a series of standard field sobriety tests. He was arrested and charged with DUI, excessive speed, and crossing double lane lines. He was later released.

This is Michael Phelps’ second DUI. In 2004, he got caught drunk driving and later pleaded guilty in exchange for 18 months probation.

Well, the good news is that Animal Planet’s eventual biopic of the Olympian dolphin starring Adam Driver just got juicier.

TMZ asked Michael Phelps’ fellow Team USA teammate Ryan Lochte about this mess and he dribbled this out:

“I’m not concerned … he just makes dumb decisions. He has so much money to get a driver. I even have a driver. Just stinks for the sport of swimming. But he will become smarter from this. Luckily he did not hurt himself or someone else.”

When Ryan Lochte, whose head is filled with nothing but chlorine water and Cool Water fumes, comes off as the voice of reason and calls you out for making dumb decisions, then it’s time to swim off to a corner of the pool to get it together.

UPDATE: Michael Phelps is sowwy.

“Earlier this morning, I was arrested and charged with DUI, excessive speeding, and crossing double lane lines. I understand the severity of my actions and take full responsibility. I know these words may not mean much right now but I am deeply sorry to everyone I have let down.”

Pic: AP