Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Frozen juice concentrate! 

Frozen juice concentrate was the beverage of my childhood. My mom was always into healthy crap (I know, the “don’t fill your body with delicious sugar-filled preservatives” gene must’ve skipped a generation) and always tried to give us healthy crap. She didn’t regularly buy us Coke or Kool-Aid, because shit wasn’t healthy (“Um, grape Kool-Aid IS a fruit, you dumb trash” – Mama June) and I was already as hyper as a coked up chihuahua. I didn’t need more sugar. Ritalin tea didn’t exist back then, so she gave us frozen juice concentrate! It was healthier, because it was JUICE and the generic brands were kind of cheap. We drank it the way White Oprah drinks Georgi Vodka. We practically bathed in it and any kid pissing next to me in the bathroom always said out loud, “Why does it smell like white grapes in here?” That crap ran through our veins.

Not only is frozen juice concentrate healthier, because it’s JUICE, but you also get a workout from making it. One of my little cousins once complained while opening a plastic bottle of orange juice. I let that brat know that when I was a kid, we had to make our juice. The scars on my hands are from making hundreds of pitchers of frozen juice concentrate. You had to take the frozen juice concentrate out of the freezer, pull off that white plastic tab thing, yank off the metal lid and then squeeze that frozen stuff into a pitcher and every time you squeezed it, you had to make a wet fart sound with your mouth. Then you had to add water and stir at least a million times until it became juice. THE STRUGGLE. Making that stuff was the most exercise I’ve ever gotten in my entire life.

When we got older, my mom stopped buying frozen juice concentrate, because she believed lemon water was healthier than healthier. And when I started making my own money, I never bought it, because I could buy soda and booze instead.

Frozen juice concentrate and I met again last night while I looked online for ways to “spice up” my usual sangria recipe of boxed wine and Sprite. I came across a recipe for sangria made with frozen juice concentrate and my eyes also landed on a highly educational video that teaches you how to make red wine from Welch’s grape juice concentrate. Oh, frozen juice concentrate, you’re now all grown up and have really classed up your act. Speaking of classy, whenever I wanted a delicious frozen treat as a kid, I ate frozen juice concentrate right out of the can with a spoon. I ate fine sorbet before I even knew what sorbet was.

Pic: AL.com

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