Sorry, you’ll have to give me a moment – I’m trying to make sense of Brad Pitt’s janky facial hair on the cover of GQ. Why does it look like his beard is running away from his moustache? And why does his chin look like an elderly badger after a bikini wax? “Oooh girl, let your garden grown!” said some elderly badgers.
Brapi gave an interview to British GQ where talked about his gorgeous hair in Interview with the Vampire and what the hell was up with St. Angie’s wedding dress. NO! I wish. He actually talked about pretentious Hobo Brad shit (all of which is super-fun to read in Taran Killam’s Brad Pitt voice):
On how he’s the anti-Clooney who likes to hide himself away in his fancy French chateau like the stoner billygoat version of Norma Desmond:
“Well, you know, George is extremely accessible. He’s one of our best representatives. He’s funny as shit. He’s a joy to be around. I guess maybe I’m more of a miserable bastard. [laughs]. I’m a bit of a loner you know? I’m more quiet by nature. And coming from, you know, hillbilly country, I’m probably more reserved.”
On how he’s no longer willing to accept every Ocean’s Thirteen or World War Z that comes his way, because he’s a choosy actor who will only work with distinguished art haus directors now:
“I’m actually very snobbish about directors. I have to say no all the time. ‘No’ is the most powerful word in our business. You’ve got to protect yourself… To leave home, it’s got to be worth leaving. It’s got to be worth it.”
On how putting a ring on it didn’t really change his relationship with our lord and savior St. Angie of the Angels:
“I wouldn’t say [marriage is] just a title. There’s more to it than that.”
On how he’s a sullen suburban emo teen trapped in the body of a middle-aged hobo:
“I’ve always believed happiness is overrated, you know? It’s those difficult times that inform the next wonderful time, and it’s a series of trade-offs, of events, of wins and losses.”
On how Brad clearly smoked too much of the good shit before talking about his Fury costar Shia LaBeouf:
“Oh, I love this boy. He’s one of the best actors I’ve ever seen. He’s full-on commitment, man. He’s living it like no one else, let me tell you. I’ve been fortunate to work with a lot of great actors. He’s one of the best I’ve seen.”
And yet, no answers as to what the hell is up with his facial hair. You failed, GQ!
But back to Brapi declaring his love for Shia LeMess. Imagine for a second that we lived in an alternate reality where Brad Pitt and Shia LaBeouf do a retro happy family-style photo shoot for W Magazine, which starts the rumor of a torrid on-set affair during the filming of Fury, and then Brad leaves Angie for Shia, and Angie becomes the new Jennifer Aniston and every magazine cover is about how Shia is a home-wrecking hobo hussy and how Angie is a forever alone? Yeah, I might have been smoking what Brad was smoking.