In case you didn’t already know, George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin are the anti-Brangelina and they’re not going to get married in a hush, hush at-home wedding featuring a coloring book dress and a busted, ugly wedding cake made by a child. (May a special place in Hell’s special place open up just for me for saying that, but that cake Pax made was a janky mess. Even Maddox knows this.) MuddiLooney is going to give us SPECTACLE! THEATER! DRAMA! FACE! OLD SCHOOL LIFE MAGAZINE GLAMOUR! Thank God George Clooney isn’t following that “secret wedding” trend and is whoring out his wedding to the masses.
As expected, George and Amal arrived in Venice today and you’d think that true royalty like Shauna Sand or Phoebe Price arrived. Because peasants lined the canal as Clooney and Amal waved from a boat while a photographer (from American Vogue, probably) and his best man Rande Gerber took pictures of them. Somebody really needs to blow the delusion dust out of Clooney’s head and tell him that the world already has a modern day JFK and Jackie O. Their names are Mama June and Sugar Bear and until break up for good, they are still the JFK and Jackie O of our time. So quick trying, MuddiLooney!
The Telegraph says that Clooney, Amal and many of their guests are staying at the Belmond Cipriani. The ceremony is supposed to go down at another fancy ass hotel, the Aman Canal Grande. The rumored guest list includes Rande Gerber (DUH), Cindy Crawford (DUH), Matt Damon (pictures of his ass below), Brangelina, Ellen Barkin, Cate Blanchett, Richard Kind, John Krasinski, Emily Blunt, Gabriel Byrne and Bono. Clooney’s friend, the former mayor of Rome Walter Veltroni, is going to officiate the ceremony. Clooney is going to wear a tux by Giorgio Armani and some say that Amal’s dress was made by Sarah Burton of Alexander McQueen, but she’s also been photographed carrying a Stella McCartney garment bag in Milan.
The ceremony will happen tomorrow and a civil ceremony will happen on Monday. Parts of the Grand Canal will be shut down for the civil ceremony, because the citizens of Venice will all barf into the water together after living through a weekend full of stunts and shows.
This is really how it’s done. If you’re a huge star and you’re getting married, you should show everyone how much power you have by getting parts of the Venice canal shut down. If you can’t shut down a road or the canal by snapping your fingers, you aren’t a STAH. But really, at the end of the day, this is about Clooney and Amal uniting they’re love and I’m sure they’re going to last forever. Because a celebrity couple who marries in a gigantic wedding EXTRAVAGANZA, stays together forever. Ask Tommy Girl, Katie Holmes, Kim Kardashian, Elizabeth Hurley, etc…