Goopy Paltrow Wants You To Know That She’s Not The Epitome Of Perfection And Screws Up Pasta Sometimes

September 26, 2014 / Posted by:

But FYI: Goopy Paltrow’s screwed up pasta is still a zillion times better than your best pasta. You already knew that, though.

When all of us peasant peons sneak past the guards and stick our eyes on the crack in the stone wall that surrounds Goopy Paltrow’s perfect manor of perfection, our eye sockets fill with pure jealousy as we look at everything in her perfect life from her perfect outdoor pizza oven to the perfect bath tub in her perfect bedroom to the way the perfect stick shoved up her perfect ass gives her perfect posture. But the dehydrated piece of jicama covered with perfection tells Viva Magazine (via E! News) that even she, the human pinnacle of excellence whose full name auto-corrects to PERFECT in every iPhone (every iPhone 6 that is. You literally can’t type her name in an iPhone 5s or lower, because poors don’t deserve that honor!), fails sometimes. I mean, she screwed up pasta once! Technically it wasn’t her fault. It was her Italian water importer’s fault. He sent her jugs full of tap water from Bologna instead of Sicily and it totally made her homemade pasta inedible! Goopy also continued to clarify that “9 to 5 working moms don’t have it as hard as I do” comment she shat up a few months ago.

On how she failed one time by ruining the pasta: “Some days I just think I am failing everywhere. Like today I was making lunch and saying to myself ‘this lunch is so bad’ throwing pasta in the lunch bag, yelling “get in the car. I was losing my cool. I think it’s very hard to try to find the right balance and I think we all aspire to that balance, but it’s easier said than done. It’s just a matter of trying your best each day and not being too hard on yourself about things.”

On how EVERY working mother has it hard: “I think when you are a working mother it is always very difficult, in fact it’s difficult if you are a mother anyway even if you are not working. I have a lot of respect for women who try to do both things, because I really struggle.

On what her “beauty” secret is: “I really believe in exercise as a beauty secret. I think that is the key to keeping your skin tone. You are detoxifying and it keeps you looking young and healthy. I also try to drink a lot of water and I try to eat healthy although yesterday I had a huge plate of French fries and a glass of wine – I normally try to balance this. I wouldn’t get up at 4am in the morning for anything… but generally my routine is that I drop my children at school and then I exercise for about an hour and a half five days a week and that way I can do some weights, muscular structure work and get in some good cardio then I am good for the day.”

Goopy’s damage control reps obviously told her to say, “I think when you are a working mother it is always very difficult,” but on the inside she was crying for herself, because she knows she has it worse. I mean, she has to work out for almost two hours in her private gym with her private trainer five days a week after taking her kids to school in a chauffeured Range Rover and regular peasant moms don’t have to do that. They can stay looking dumpy and homely, because nobody cares what they look like. Before you close your eyes tonight, pray for the struggles of Goopy.

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