It must be close to Halloween, because the Duggars are back with another scary story!
The Duggars got the cover of UsWeekly again, which is weird to me. I mean, there they are right next to Miranda Lambert who is guaranteeing herself a one-way ticket to HELL by showing off her husband’s flesh property in a two piece! But I guess those Duggars got a TLC show to sell and UsWeekly knows that us drunk sluts will read that terrifying cover story, because it makes us feel good about being drunk sluts who can freely be drunk sluts.
Jessa and the newest Duggar baby machine tell UsWeekly some of the shit we already know: all of their dates are chaperoned, no chest-to-chest contact is allow (Um, what do you hussies think you’re doing in that cover picture?) and once they’re married, they have to keep their legs open for their husband to go in and babies to come out. They also can’t celebrate Halloween. They can’t dance. They can’t drink. Basically, their Jesus hates all things fun. My thoughts about the Duggars guide to love and sex is best expressed through the look on the face of the baby that Jenelle’s mom will raise.
1. Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are cc’d on all of their kids’ texts. No wonder Michelle Duggar makes all her daughters raise her thousands of kids. Bitch is too busy reading all the text messages of her other thousand kids.
Yes, at 20 years old your mom and dad may be peeping your text messages. Once Ben Seewald jokingly wrote to fiancée Jessa, “Give me a ring.” Jim Bob’s reply? “No ring yet.” Oh, and his response was complete with smiley face emoticon. On the bright side…at least they don’t have to worry about naked selfies?
2. All of their dates are chaperoned and the girls are okay with it, because having their parents nearby protects them from grave moral danger. That’s not such a bad idea. I wish I had a chaperone who would protect me from grave moral danger by turning off the TV every time I started to watch a marathon of 19 Kids & Counting.
Parents accompany their children on dates in order to maintain their “accountability.” It “keeps things from going in the wrong direction,” explains Jim Bob. Likewise, the girls are comfortable with their parents’ presence, noting that being alone with men puts them in grave “moral danger.”
3. Side hugs only! No chest-to-chest contact! So does that mean that getting butt fucked while bent over the trunk of a car is okay?
Side hugs are the preferred method of PDA in order to prevent any further temptation. And boy, do the Duggars sure love their side hugs!
4. Once they get married, an ALWAYS OPEN sign goes up over their coochie.
“Anyone can fix him lunch, but only one person can meet that physical need of love,” Michelle, who has 19 children explains. “You always need to be available when he calls.” And you need to be prepared for the possible result of all that love-making. “My mom has a bunch of pregnancy test at her house,” Jill tells Us Weekly. Duggar women don’t get headaches.
5. They are banned from reading Fifty Shades of Grey. FINALLY! A rule that makes sense to me!
Forget about satisfying your sexual fantasies by picking up a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey! The Bible warns not to “think about gratifying the pleasure of the flesh,” so instead the family studies Christian text.
6. Not one drop of the sweet nectar is allowed to touch their tongues.
In the eyes of the Duggars, booze is a buzz kill. At a past event, Jill and Jessa accidentally sipped spiked punch. Jessa’s reaction? “Disgusting!”
7. The Duggars cried tears of sadness at the end of Footloose when John Lithgow’s character started dancing. Because dancing is not allowed in the Duggar house.
Michelle explains that dancing encourages “sensual” feelings while Jessa warns that modern day music is “promoting sex, drugs, all that type of stuff.” Instead, the family chooses to play gospel together.
8. Halloween is also banned and they aren’t allowed to dress up. It must be really weird for creepy Jim Bob Duggar on October 31st when he’s out running errands and people stop him to say, “You’re Ted Haggard costume is SPOT ON, man.”
According to the Duggars, magic and witches are “part of a demonic realm God wants us to stay away from.” No hocus pocus here!
9. Sorry whores, but your nipples won’t get hard from seeing Jim Bob in a Bobby Ball Bag anytime soon. The beach is forbidden!
While there is Duggar-approved swimwear available for purchase, other beachgoers prove to be problematic for the religious clan. “”It’s just too hard for the guys to try and keep their eyes averted,” Michelle explains.
Even Scientologists are saying, “Damn, Too far. Too far.” What’s most surprising is that there hasn’t been a cover of UsWeekly with a picture of a Duggar child along with text that reads: SCANDAL! DUGGAR CHILD CAUGHT FRONT HUGGING IN PUBLIC! I mean, one of them is bound to rebel.
The next time my drunk ass is hugging a trick while slow dancing in a Halloween costume on the beach, I’m going to scream, “This one’s for you, Duggar kids.“