The New York City Ballet’s 2014 Fall Gala (I might as well have just typed “Rich People Being Rich”, right?) was held last night in Manhattan, and Sarah Jessica Parker arrived wearing an elegant formal caftan, because I guess the theme was “Shit a ballet dancer would never wear unless they wanted to trip onstage and break both their ankles.”
Sarah wore a dress made by the same designer responsible for the coochie-clutching couch upholstery onesie Taylor Swift wore to the VMAs, and I’ve never been so glad to see a designer’s versatility, because I don’t think I want to see Sarah Jessica Parker’s fabric-wrapped Sex and the City kitty. She’s too classy for that! She married Ferris Bueller, for fuck’s sakes! Besides, it’s a ballet gala; the only crotches people want to see are those hot lycra-encased Baryshnikov bulges.
But SJP has the right idea to roll up to the red carpet – or I guess in this case, a purple carpet that sort of looks like someone shot and skinned Barney – wearing what looks like a fancy Amish housecoat. I’ve never been to a ballet gala (I’m more of a monster truck jamboree kind of low-life), but I bet they’re boring a shit. And when something is that boring, you want to be comfortable. SJP is wearing the type of dress that will air out your bits if it gets too stuffy and trap your farts all night long. Plus, that fancy table runner down the middle is perfect for hiding spills and stains. Aaaaand I think I just realized why I’ve never been invited to a ballet gala.
Here’s more of SJP being fancy, as well as a bunch of other fancy New York types looking all kinds of fancy last night, my favorite being a very fancy lady named Chui-Ti Jansen who looked like an exquisite diamond-covered angel sitting atop an opulent fabric Christmas tree.