Everything Is A Lie: The Three-Tittied Florida Flower Is Probably A Hoax

September 23, 2014 / Posted by:

The Internet has Lindsay Lohan’d us again. Next you’re going to tell me that Charlo Greene is an actress from L.A., her real name is Kimberly Brown, she’s never smoked weed in her life and that station in Alaska hired her to pull that scripted stunt so they’d beat their rivals in the Anchorage local news ratings war! Then you’re going to tell me that the Frankenstein helmet on The Long Island Medium’s head isn’t a communication device for the dead. What to believe?!

When the story of the 21-year-old demure Florida daisy with a third tit implant made the rounds yesterday, some of us squinted at it the same way I squint at a picture from a Grindr trick that looks like his head pasted on Zac Efron’s body. I wanted to believe, but deep down I knew it was made of one hundred percent pure lies. Something in the third tit wasn’t clean about Jasmine Tridevil’s story. Jasmine wouldn’t give up the name of the back alley plastic surgeon who did it, because she claims they made her sign a confidentiality agreement and her trio of tits situation looked a little too perfect. Well, those truth sniffers at Snopes got to the bottom of it and exposed Jasmine Tridevil and her tres chichi as frauds.

Snopes has declared that Jasmine’s middle tit is stuffed with industrial grade fakeness. According to Snopes, Jasmine’s real name is Alisha Jasmine Hessler and the part about her being a massage therapist from Tampa is true. Alisha Hessler was charged with fraudulent use of an ID last year. (But in Alisha’s defense, I’m pretty sure 98% of everyone in Tampa has been charged with that at least once while living in Tampa.) Alisha Hessler is also the same Alisha Hessler who made the news last year when she made a dude who beat her stand on a street corner while wearing a dunce cap and holding a sign that read “I Beat Women Honk If I’m A Scumbag.” Alisha claimed that the dude beat her hard because she told him to stop groping her at a club. Alisha was going to report him to the police, but agreed to not press charges if he stood on a busy corner while holding that sign for 8 hours. The police said that Alisha dropped her complaint and stopped returning their calls after they kept asking her questions about the so-called attack.

Snopes also pointed out that all of the pictures Jasmine spit up as proof have all come from her and none have come from a third party. The Manta page for Alisha’s massage business claims that she gives massages to three-breasted women and is a “provider of Internet hoaxes since 2014.

Dr. Matthew Schulman, a board-certified plastic surgeon in NYC, tells The Daily Dot that getting a third titty implant is “theoretically possible,” but says that it would take months and she’d have to go through multiple surgeries. The end result probably wouldn’t look like the Total Recall shit on Jasmine’s chest:

“This technique would create a tight, round breast in the center of the chest. Also, all three breasts will likely be connected because it would be impossible to create and maintain separation between all three round structures. The photos show a soft, pendulous breast that is clearly separate from the right and left breast. She essentially has a hanging breast, and it is just not reflective of what we would be able to expect from this reconstruction procedure.”

Jasmine said on Facebook that yes, her real name is Alisha Hessler, but that’s pretty much all she said:

Everyone keeps sending me this snopes article. Why? Yes, they have my real name. Yes, the news story last December is true, and yes, I was arrested for using someone elses i.d. (attempting to get in a club). I was underage and wanted to get drunk lol

And finally here’s a blurry clip (click here for a clearer one) from WTSP of a reporter asking to see Jasmine’s third tit. Jasmine lifts her shirt up real quick, but refuses to give the cameras a longer look, because she’s saving that moment for the reality show she’s trying to sell to MTV.

Under those lights, that third tit doesn’t look like any silicone tit I’ve ever seen. It looks like a Muppet goiter or like a stress ball made of pantyhose and old socks. It makes The Porn Iguana’s tits look all-natural and human grown.

On one hand, I’m slow clapping for Jasmine, because her shameless STUNT QUEEN stunt worked and got her the viral attention she wanted. On the other hand, I’m shaking my head at her for screwing with Florida’s reputation as America’s capital of authentic foolery. Florida produces enough genuine fucked-up craziness on its own. It doesn’t needs its people faking the fuckery. Florida truly deserves better.

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