Quick, grab the magnifying glasses! Wait, no – we’re going to need more advanced picture analysis technology than that! Grab your coat, we’re going to the CSI forensic lab! I need Horatio Caine to enhance-enhance-enhance this picture of Beyoncé’s alleged Blue Ivy bey-by bump, because I’m having trouble making out the pillow seams with my naked eye.
Her Highness Beyoncé finally released the home movies music video that played during Bey and Jay-Z’s performance of “Forever Young/Halo” every night of the We Want Money tour, and as you can see the biggest highlight was a grainy clip of Bey and Jay showing off Bey’s fetus factory. Oh boy, my tolerance for these two stunt queens is already pretty low, but this is just bey-yond. I know this is supposed to be real, true proof of Beyoncé renting out her womb to Blue Ivy, but I’m still not convinced. SHOW ME THE RECEIPTS, BEY! Specifically the one for the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Baby!™ lifelike prosthetic third trimester bump you’re wearing.
I’m sure the bump Bey is sporting above is real (no I’m not), but it’s still a little too suspicious. The way Bey is holding her hands reminds me of when drag queens try to disguise the neckline of their breastplate by wearing a distracting necklace. There’s a rubber seam under that arm shadow, I just know it! Of course, we’ll never see the lower seam because it’s covered up by that sexy diaper thing she’s wearing.
But the bigger question here is…for why are Bey and Jay posing like every pregnant couple I’ve seen on Pinterest?? You know the ones, where the woman is always naked and done up in full hair and makeup and the dude looks like he just took a break from playing Xbox Live? “Oh, is this like a special memories kind of thing? Did you want me to change out of my cargo shorts or something?”
And here’s the full video, including a bunch of clips of Blue Ivy being adorable: