Earlier this week, the human equivalent of the word “Duuuude“, Keanu Reeves, received the world’s worst wake-up call (I mean, all wake-up calls are the worst, but this one was particularly bogus) after a strange lady broke into his house at 4am while he was sleeping. TMZ says that Keanu was woken up early Monday morning when he heard sounds coming from his library. When he got up to check if his books had come to life (you know part of him did), he discovered a lady in her mid-40s sitting on a chair.
But instead of freaking out and trying to whoop a trick, Matrix-style, by throwing a bunch of books in slow-motion while screaming “WHAT IF I TOLD YOU TO GET THE FUCK OUT?!?“, Keanu calmly approached her and asked why she was in his house. She explained she was there to meet him, so he politely excused himself to another room, called 911, and she was taken away by police for a psychiatric evaluation. TMZ says that Keanu’s house is built like a fort, so it’s amazing she managed to get in at all. Unfortunately, he didn’t set his security alarm before he went to bed, and she was able to sneak in pretty easily.
Keanu was way more chill in that situation than I would be. Last week, I was woken up by a scratching sound outside by bedroom window. Immediately I started sweating profusely; I was convinced it was Leatherface or the Candyman. Knowing I was too scared to do shit, I started bargaining with Dorito Jesus to spare my life and promising that I’d never call Kim Kardashian a drowsy-faced goblin hooker ever again. Yes, I was THAT scared. Eventually I got up the nerve to grab an aluminum baseball bat and see what the noise was. Turns out it was a possum taking a shit on the porch. The possum literally shot me a look like “Bitch, is everything ok? You are a MESS!” Clearly I need a Keanu in my life to teach me how to calm the fuck down a bit.