If animal control gets a call about a mangled, chewed-up worm wandering the streets of Southern California somewhere, can they please lure it over to them by waving a peen picture at it and then drop it in an envelope and mail it to me? That’s my b-hole. It jumped off of my ass after I read the words “PRINCE HARRY” and “SEX TAPE” in the same headline.
Shifty headline writers toyed with my emotions this morning when they wrote that Prince Hot Ginge and his on-and-off again piece Cressida Bonas enjoyed a sex tape together. The bad news is that PHG didn’t make a sex tape (as far as we know). The good news is that our down low parts are safe, because they’re not going to explode as we watch PHG hump on Cressida Boners while wearing a scrunchie cock ring. PHG and Cressida only went to see the movie Sex Tape together. The Sun (via The Telegraph) says that PHG and Toyota Cressida recently sat together in a darkened theater while watching Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel bone. PHG left in a car driven by his security team and Cressida left in a taxi. A source says that the night before, Cressida was at PHG’s 30th birthday party.
PHG dumped Toyota Cressida last April and he reportedly got with former Miss Edinburgh Camilla Thurlow for a minute.
I guess Cressida Boners is the new Chelsy Davy, because PHG and the permanently hungover-looking goddess were on-and-off for a while before they broke up for good and she got engaged to another.
I don’t know about this Cressida trick. On one hand, I want to like her since she’s been trying to make the scrunchie happen again for years. On the other hand, I don’t know if she can be trusted. I mean, she watched two people screw (even thought those two people were Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel) while in a dark theater with PHG and there’s no reports of people in the theater complaining to managers about how the thick scent of burnt pubes filled the room because Cressida wouldn’t stop riding PHG’s fiery crotch scepter. Cressida was in the dark with PHG and she didn’t jump on that once? Hmmm… Very suspect. She’s either a robot or a spy or both.
And here’s PHG at last night’s Invictus Games closing ceremony with a little girl on his shoulders. Yes, I’m throwing hot glares of jealousy at that little girl.