Hot Slut Of The Day!

Miss Ohio’s ventriloquist dummy, Roxy, from last night’s hairspray’d and sequined train wreck known as the Miss America pageant!

Last night was that time of year again when 20-somethings do themselves up like 45-year-old Texas trophy wives circa 1988 to battle it out for a scholarship and a rhinestone crown. There were a few Hot Sluts last night including my favorite author Jane Austin, Stone Cold Steve Austin’s sister who writes wrestling erotica in the style of Jane Austen. But the HSOTD title goes to Roxy, the terrifying ventriloquist dummy, that performed with Miss Ohio’s Giada de Laurentiis-looking ass during the talent portion. Roxy has hair as lusciously soft as Dolly Parton’s wig, the fashion sense of early 90s Marie Osmond, skin as naturally taut as the late Joan Rivers’ and she’s a total bitch. Miss New York won the crown, but Roxy stole all of our hearts and what I mean by that is, some of our hearts tried to jump out of our chests and run for the nearest exit while watching her in action, because she is terrifying.

Somewhere, someone is fapping to this and that someone is either David Lynch or a serial killer. If you watched this beautiful mess last night and didn’t sleep for one second, because every time you closed your eyelids you saw Roxy’s horrifying face staring back at you, thank the camera person and their close-up shots. But really, Miss  Ohio and Roxy were robbed! Miss New York’s “talent” was copy + pasting Anna Kendrick’s cup act from Pitch Perfect. That act might be entertaining and cute (no, it wouldn’t) if it was done by a 5-year-old during a kindergarten talent show, but this is the MISS AMERICA pageant (which we all know is the epicenter of pure talent). Miss New York better sleep with a blow torch next to her, because Roxy is going to break into her bedroom and steal the crown that rightfully belongs to her.

And HSOTD honorable mention goes to this cooch (I’m talking about the cooch on the left):

The Miss America pageant is supposed to be classier than Miss USA and Miss Nebraska proved that to be true last night by crotchbombing Chris Harrison. Roxy should’ve won the crown and Miss Nebraska’s peach panties should’ve won Miss Congeniality.