Behold, The New Apple Product That Thieves Will Be Cutting Off Wrists To Steal

September 9, 2014 / Posted by:

During Apple’s nerdgasm-inducing live event today, they announced all the products that will leave a lot of bitches in debt and screaming for an iBailOut. As expected, they announced the all new Samsung Galaxy-sized iPhone 6 (starting at $199) and the newest jewel in the nerd tiara: the iWatch, which looks like a Casio watch in Apple clothing. The iWatch starts at $349, is available early next year, comes in a bunch of styles, doubles as a heart-rate monitor and you have to use it with an iPhone, because MONAY. Gizmodo has a long ass rundown of everything the iWatch does (Side note: I’m not totally sold, because it doesn’t squirt out lube and double as a cock ring) if that’s what you need. Here’s a quick synopsis of the iWatch from Uproxx:

Interestingly, the screen appears to be graphics heavy; this isn’t going to be an epaper display on your wrist. It also appears to try and predict what you’ll want to use as a reply to texts, which is curious. It also has animated emoji, which is terrible, and of course it’s integrated with Siri, because Apple has spent twenty years and millions on speech recognition and goddammit, they have to at least try to get you to use it!

Also, it’ll vibrate in the direction you need to go when you’re walking somewhere, which is actually a useful feature. Unfortunately, you can also use it to annoy a friend; tap in the middle of the screen with his contact info up, and his Apple Watch will vibrate, sending a picture you draw. You can also beam your heartbeat to another Apple Watch user, which is… actually pretty disturbing. Speaking of annoying, Apple has something called WatchKit to make notifications more detailed, which we’re sure Facebook won’t abuse at all.

Apple also announced Apple Pay, which keeps all of your credit cards stored on your iPhone and iWatch. You can definitely trust Apple to keep pictures of your spread b-hole safe, so of course you can trust them with your credit card info. But what I want to know is, does the iWatch come with an iHook, because I’m going to need that shit to search eBay for my hand and wrist (with my iWatch attached to it) after thieves cut it off.

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