The funeral for comedian, life legend, and QVC vanguard Joan Rivers was held today in New York, and it was originally reported that Joan was going to be tragically denied a glamorous showbiz send-off in exchange for something more tasteful and solemn (aka BORING). But I guess Joan caught wind of this up at the plastic surgeon’s office in Heaven (her first stop after meeting Jesus and dragging him for looking like a New Testament Jared Leto) and flew back to earth to remind her daughter Melissa that you can’t spell the word ‘funeral’ without F-U-N, because it sounds like Joan’s memorial ended up being a bit more true to the spirit of Joan.
Joan Rivers had mentioned in her memoirs that she had wanted craft services and paparazzi and publicists at her funeral, and I don’t know if there was craft services (at the very least, I’m sure Melissa made sure there was at least a plate of triangle-cut white bread tuna salad sandwiches aka everyone’s favorite funeral food), but according to Ron Mott of NBC News, she got plenty of paparazzi. And TMZ says she had a pretty big guest-list. No word on whether or not Meryl Streep was there crying in five different accents, but it was attended by a myriad of STAHS including Kathy Griffin, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kelly Osbourne, Bernadette Peters, Kathie Lee and Hoda, slowly-rotting human clementine Donald Trump, Sally Jesse Raphael, but most importantly…JUDGE JUDY!!!!! Sorry Meryl, but Judge Judith Sheindlin is about as A-List as it gets.
There was no evidence of the red carpet that UsWeekly reported guests would walk into the service at NYC’s Temple Emanu-El, but maybe it rolled itself up and rolled back to Exquisite Rentals because it knew it couldn’t compete with the scene-stealing talent inside. NewNowNext says that The New York City Gay Men’s Chorus performed, Page Six says that bagpipers played “New York, New York”, and Howard Stern delivered a raunchy eulogy. There might not have been a wind machine blowing her hair like Beyoncé, but according to Billy Bush, Joan would have loved it all the same:
Not to mention that some guests decided to show up in outfits honoring Joan’s love of terrible clothes. Like Whoopi Goldberg, for example, who rolled up to Joan’s funeral wearing some kind of busted burlap kimono (???) over an XXL men’s dress shirt and a pair of adult-sized American Girl doll shoes:
Or maybe Whoopi chose to wear this outfit to Joan’s funeral in hopes that Joan would sense someone was wearing something truly hideous, come back to life, pop out of her casket, and rip Whoopi for wearing something so goddamn fugly. Don’t worry Whoopi, even if Joan didn’t do it at the funeral, take comfort in the knowledge that she was definitely doing it from Heaven.