In the magical unicorn fart bubble known as 80s, the Care Bears and the Cabbage Patch Kids were bringing in mountains of money and Hallmark wanted to get a piece of the action, so they put out a line of huggable plush toys that were supposed to be a child’s best friend but instead they looked like rave babies from Hell who get high by sucking out the youth of children with their cracked out eyes. The Hugga Bunch were plush toys who had eyes that looked like Lucifer’s frozen anus, hair like a candy raver Harpo Marx, eyelashes that looked like dead spiders and creepy smiles that said, “I can’t wait to siphon out your SOUL.” If Bruce Willis did a whole lot of LSD and smeared cotton candy scented lube on his peen before barebacking Demi Moore, she’d give birth to the Hugga Bunch 9 months later.
Each Hugga Bunch creature also came with a tiny baby, because every demon from the Ninth Circle needs a sidekick to help them do dark-sided work. And to make them extra creepy, Hallmark dressed them in silky toddler lingerie. Even Humbert Humbert is like, “Ewww, that’s wrong.”
Because the oxygen in the 80s was spiked with serious mind-altering substances, The Hugga Bunch were a major hit and so Hallmark produced a TV movie which Wikipedia says was the most expensive television event at the time. The plot of the Hugga Bunch movie is a mess. A girl travels through a mirror to HuggaLand to find the secret to keeping her grandma, the only person who knows how to hug (????), young and alive forever. There’s even a knock-off of Snow White’s Evil Queen in that shit. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it, but thankfully, someone uploaded the whole thing to YouTube. I skimmed through it this morning and it’s obviously a really early infomercial for Ecstasy.
If you or someone you know hates being hugged and never does it, it’s probably because you made the mistake of hugging a Hugga Bunch when you were kid and you’ve never been the same since.