Just when I was beginning to think that it was a seriously slow Saturday and I’d have to start posting excerpts from the fanfiction buddy comedy I wrote about Justin Theroux and Jon Hamm’s dicks (that post is coming up next, probably), THIS piece of highly important news came across my screen. The beige plastic bowl of unflavored instant oatmeal that is Blake NotSoLively has made it clear in the past that she wants to be Martha Stewart AND Beyonce. Basically, Blake NotSoLively wants to be anyone but Blake NotSoLively and at first I didn’t blame her, but then I remembered that she’s Teen Witch’s sister and when she wakes up in the morning she has the option to brush her teeth with Ryan Reynold’s dick. Anyway, Beyonce’s born day (aka Beymas) was this past week and to celebrate that holy holiday, Blake made her God a beehive cake and showed it off in a video on Preserve’s Instagram page. The string of anal beads at the entrance is a beautiful touch. Blake dribbled out this little note about her offering to her GOD:
In honor of the Queen of all Bs…I had to make this Meyer Lemon Honey cake. Happy Birthday Beyoncé!!! Xxo Blake @beyonce @blakelively @preserve_us
“Queen of all BS..” I see what you did there, Blake. You better hide, Blake, because the bumblebees tried to take you out once and they’re not going to fail at their mission a second time.
But really, I see what Blake is trying to do. Blake is trying to replace Goopy Paltrow as Beyonce’s #1 pretentious, suck-up best friend, but it’s going to take a lot more than a beehive cake. Because for Beyonce’s birthday, Goopy bought her an actual bumblebee farm that will replenish the species and save the bees from extinction. Nice try, though, Blake.
Here’s Blake’s Queen and Jay-Z celebrating a stunt well done in Portofino, Italy today.