Joan Rivers’ Funeral Will Not Be The Dramatic, Showbiz Extravaganza She Wanted It To Be (UPDATE)

September 5, 2014 / Posted by:

Joan Rivers joked (or was it a joke?) in her memoirs I Hate Everyone….Starting With Me that when she goes up to Heaven to talk shit about the angels, she wants a Norma Desmond-approved, novella-inspired ultra dramatic , over-the-top, grand funeral involving glamour, tons of fucking sequins and Meryl Streep jumping from her Deer Hunter character to her A Cry In The Dark character to her Sophie’s Choice character. Joan wrote that she didn’t want a quiet, tasteful, boring ass funeral. She wanted hired abuelitas in black veils throwing themselves on her casket before pall-bearers (aka drag queens wearing her looks throughout the years) carry her out of the Kodak Theater and into a swarm of paparazzi punching each other to get pictures of her. Joan put it like this:

When I die (and yes, Melissa, that day will come; and yes, Melissa, everything’s in your name), I want my funeral to be a huge showbiz affair with lights, cameras, action . . . . I want craft services, I want paparazzi and I want publicists making a scene! I want it to be Hollywood all the way. I don’t want some rabbi rambling on; I want Meryl Streep crying, in five different accents. I don’t want a eulogy; I want Bobby Vinton to pick up my head and sing “Mr. Lonely.” I want to look gorgeous, better dead than I do alive. I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag. And I want a wind machine so that even in the casket my hair is blowing just like Beyoncé’s.

Well, Joan’s funeral is on Sunday and sadly Meryl Streep is not going to win her fourth Oscar for it and it won’t be scene. Joan’s rep tells E! that her funeral will happen at Temple Emanu-El in Manhattan. It’s going to be private, invitation-only and no press is allowed. Mourners won’t see who Joan Rivers was caught dead in, because her casket will be closed. They’re basically doing the opposite of what Joan wanted! How dreadful. They should at least honor one of Joan’s wishes by burying her in panties with a picture of George Clooney’s mouth on the crotch patch.

Update: UsWeekly says that there will be a red carpet at Joan’s funeral and she will be buried with it. Nobody tell Chelsea Handler, because if that bitch finds out she’s going to piss on it.

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