33 years ago yesterday, Beyoncé fell out of Mama Tina’s exquisite gremlin coochie (I’m assuming that it’s covered in neon lace, rhinestones, superfluous belt buckles, and high levels of STYLE, just like everything else touched by Tina) and to celebrate the birthday of the most important 33-year-old savior of all time (sorry Jesus) Jay-Z uploaded a 33-second video comprised of clips of Her Majesty titled “Happy B Day” to YouTube. Did Jay-Z just become a Beyoncé stan? I think he did!
Obviously Jay-Z had nothing to do with this shit – he’s too busy enjoying the smooth taste and pure enjoyment to go out and get his partner in tired stunt queen fuckery a birthday present. Instead he gave Blue Ivy a quick tutorial on iMovie along with a bunch of Beyoncé-approved clips from the “On The Run” tour, and told here there was a solid-gold Cozy Coupe in it for her if she could make that shit look professional. NO STAR WIPES, BLUE-BLUE! Sure, it’s basically just a commercial for Beyonce Jay-Z On The Run on HBO, but what were you expecting? A blooper reel? We already have those amazing pictures of Beyoncé performing at the Super Bowl XLVII halftime show – that’s all the blooper reel we ever need.
But the real question is…did Yawncé like her birthday present? OF COURSE SHE DID! How could she not? It included all her favorite things: Beyoncé, Beyoncé, insincere public declarations of love, Beyoncé.