Come-to-life bottle of imported organic sparkling tapwater Gwyneth Paltrow is, according to Gwyneth Paltrow, the best at everything. She’s the best at divorce. She’s the best at friendship. She’s the best at water. And now she can add one more extremely pretentious feather to her $984 hand-shaped self-important cap: Gwyneth is the best at teaching you how to make a bed. No, not like sourcing rare timber for the frame or designing the perfectly Goopy boxspring, but like, making a bed in the way you put sheets and blankets on it. THIS. BITCH.
Gwyneth Paltrow recently turned Goop.com into the asshole’s wikiHow by posting a step-by-step tutorial called “Making The Perfect Bed“. This may seem like a redundant article to most of humanity, since you probably leaned how to make your bed when you were 5-years-old, because IT’S NOT THAT DIFFICULT, but since Gwyneth Paltrow has liquid self-importance running through her veins, she’s offered to take us poor non-Gwyneths by the hand and teach us how to do it properly (aka The Goopy Paltrow Way).
1. Fitted sheet first, preferably out of a medium-heat dryer. Don’t let them sit or they’ll just become more wrinkled. Start with top corners and move down to the bottom, pressing out the wrinkles with your hands as you go. Try to buy fitted sheets where the elastic wraps around the whole base of the mattress, not just the corners.
2. Place the flat sheet on next, squaring it evenly to give yourself enough slack for whatever cuff size you prefer. (If you like a modern look, make a wider, 10″-16″ cuff on the turn-down fold. If you like a more traditional look, 6″-10″ is the perfect cuff width.) If you don’t want your sheets too tight, lay two to three pillows down the midline before placing the sheet.
3. Place whatever blanket you are going to use over the fitted sheet and square it. I like to tuck the end of the bed under first. It makes for a neater view when approaching the bed on entrance. Then, pull the sides taught and fold them under. Otherwise, if you fold the base last and have a thicker blanket it can create havoc for the sides.
4. For a duvet, place the cover on right out of the dryer and shake it out. Pull all four corners taut. If you want your down comforter to look fluffier, go down a size for the duvet cover, i.e., place a king duvet in a queen-sized cover.
Did you get all that, you uncultured dum-dums? I know it’s probably going to be difficult to remember the correct order, so you better print this shit out. Oh, and if you’re a busy single mom like Gwyneth, you’ll appreciate this handy time-saving tip:
TIP: If you like the pristine look of pressed linens but don’t have the time, just press your pillowcases. If you want to go a step farther, iron the folded down cuff on the bed itself.
Personally, I can’t thank Gwyneth enough for publishing such a comprehensive guide; I used to really struggle with making my bed. I’d always get so confused and try to put the duvet down first, then the blanket, then a random pile of sheets and pillow cases, then wrap it all in a fitted sheet. Sometimes I’d get so flummoxed by the whole ordeal, I’d just say “Fuck it” and sleep on the floor in a pile of trash and wrap myself in a blanket made of my own tears. So thank you, Goopy – you truly are the Jesus of smug insufferable clueless twats.
Oh, but Goopy’s not just the best at making beds; she’s also going to be the best at being Jewish. According to Page Six, Gwyneth Paltrow is converting to Judaism, even though she’s already 1/2 Jewish. Goopy’s dad was Jewish and she was raised with Jewish traditions and customs, and even did the whole Kabbalah thing for years (“My red string bracelet was woven using rare silkworm threads and hand-dyed using crushed heirloom beets” – probably something said by Gwyneth at some point). So even though she’s pretty much Jewish already, she wants to be better at Jewish and she’s officially converting.
Dear Jewish People: whatever you’ve been doing for the last 4,000 years, you’ve been doing it all wrong and Gwyneth Paltrow will soon be teaching you how to be the perfect Jew. She’s probably already “discovered” (re: made up) an extra-pretentious version of keeping Kosher that involves having a $900/hour in-home Rabbi bless every cup of cold-brewed bluefin tuna tear kombucha and started talking like Mike Myers as Linda Richman.