Chris Brown, the famous person equivalent to that kid from your 1st grade class who got kicked out of school because he wouldn’t stop biting everyone, gave his first official interview since leaving jail in June to Billboard and for the first time in a very, very long time he actually sounds…not like a raging asshole? HEAR ME OUT! I know you probably read that last part and considered calling super-sleuth Courtney Love to see if she could locate my damn mind, since I CLEARLY lost it, but you need to trust me on this one.
The human Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robot claims it might be time to add the word “former” to that title, because the Chris Brown who used to whoop tricks Chris Brown-style was
maybe possibly perhaps definitely a fucking mess who needed to sit his ass in jail for 108 days and reflect on his shitty behavior. I’m guessing one of the guards slipped him a copy of Eat, Pray, Love, because Breezy gets very namaste about his life on the inside:
“[I had to feel] like this happened for a reason. There was a purpose. Maybe I was out of control too much. Or I needed something to humble me to the point where I get it. At that point, I didn’t look at it as trying to get out of the situation but learn from it.”
He also says jail taught him to appreciate the little things in life, like how delicious burgers are, and how there are no delicious burgers in jail (also something about friends and family):
“At the end of the day, it’s just a humbling experience. You’re more appreciative of everything else that’s on the outside. A burger tastes 1,000 times better when you’re out (Laughs.) I’m just more appreciative of the things I’m blessed with and the things I do: music, being able to take care of my family, being able to see my friends and family.”
Then he attempted to serve up some Stuart Smalley realness:
“I just feel positive about life in general. Whatever happens will happen, and God has me. I’m going to keep my faith and be focused on my family, friends, fans and music. And from there just be the best Chris Brown I can be.”
I believe Chris Brown has matured and changed, for one reason and one reason only: BITCH MISSED BURGERS. If Breezy fucks up again, he’ll go back to jail, and he’ll be cut off from delicious burgers. That’s a terrifying thought! So every time he starts to feel like the old aggressive asshole Chris Brown is coming back, he should close his eyes, take 10 deep breaths, and remind himself that there are no cheeseburgers in jail. Think of the burgers, Breezy! It ain’t worth it!
And here’s the new Chris Brown shopping yesterday with Kar-hoochie Tran. My say something nice is that he no longer looks like Gollum fucked an expired bottle of Sun-In anymore, so that’s good.