The Legendary Joan Rivers Has Died

CANCEL AWARD SHOW SEASON FOREVER! Joan Rivers is no longer here to tell those bitches what a mess they look. Melissa Rivers announced that her mother died today at the age of 81:

“It is with great sadness that I announce the death of my mother, Joan Rivers. She passed peacefully at 1:17pm surrounded by family and close friends. My son and I would like to thank the doctors, nurses, and staff of Mount Sinai Hospital for the amazing care they provided for my mother. Cooper and I have found ourselves humbled by the outpouring of love, support, and prayers we have received from around the world. They have been heard and appreciated. My mother’s greatest joy in life was to make people laugh. Although that is difficult to do right now, I know her final wish would be that we return to laughing soon.”

Joan Rivers was pretty much fine up until last week when she stopped breathing and went into cardiac arrest during a simple endoscopic procedure at a clinic in Manhattan. Doctors put Joan in a medically-induced coma before putting her on life support. Recently, Melissa moved her out of ICU and into a private room so she could be with her family and friends as she made her way to the afterworld and prayed she wouldn’t have to share a room with Elizabeth Taylor and a microwave.

Joan’s decades-long career started in the 1950s when she played Barbra Streisand’s lesbian lover in a short play called Driftwood. Joan thought she was going to be a theater actress, but that shit changed when she started doing stand-up in the 60s. Joan got her big break when she was on The Tonight Show and Johnny Carson told her how funny she was. Joan was on The Tonight Show regularly and filled in for him many times. Their friendship was flushed down the toilet years later when she hosted a late-night show on FOX. Joan was still hustling and working up until her death. She was the host of Fashion Police, hosted her own online show In Bed With Joan and still her had line for QVC. May a QVC crystal never shimmer again. Many didn’t agree with a lot of the stuff that Joan said, but she was a trailblazer, a pioneer, a legendary comedian and she never gave one fuck.

Rest in peace, Dot Matrix. May your heaven be a place where the angels always look busted so you can make fun of them for the rest of eternity.