And These Are The Next Thirteen “Stars” Competing On Dancing With The Stars

September 4, 2014 / Posted by:

I agree, that title was misleading. It should have said “DANCE LEGEND CARLTON BANKS AND EXQUISITE FRAGGLE PRINCESS BETSEY JOHNSON as well as who cares it doesn’t matter Will Be On Dancing With The Stars”, but that felt a little long.

The cast of the 19th season (oh my god, 19 seasons, what are we doing with our lives) of ABC’s Dancing With The Stars was announced on GMA this morning by Tom Bergeron, and I hope the Emmy Awards committee was watching, because Tom gave the performance of a lifetime. Not once did he break character and ask “Who?” or “Wait, WHO???” when announcing the thirteen has-beens and never-wases picked by ABC. Seriously, give him all the Emmys next year; the man is a high-level thespian.

So who are the thirteen “stars” who have agreed to participate in this mess? No, really, who are they – I have no fucking idea. NO! That was a cheap shot; at least 4 or 5 of these people are legit celebrities (or at least celebrity-adjacent).

Tommy Chong (human bag of weed) with Peta Murgatroyd
Sadie Robertson (the daughter from Duck Dynasty) with Mark Ballas
Alfonso Ribeiro (Carlton Banks and Pepsi commercial STAH!) with Witney Carson
Janel Parrish (actress from Pretty Little Liars) with Val Chmerkovskiy
Michael Waltrip (NASCAR guy) with Emma Slater
Lea Thompson (actress) with Artem Chigvintsev
Jonathan Bennett (Aaron Samuels from Mean Girls) with Allison Holker
Bethany Mota (YouTube “star”) with toe-tapping human snapping turtle Derek Hough
Tavis Smiley (talk show host) with Sharna Burgess
Randy Couture (UFC guy) with Karina Smirnoff
Betsey Johnson (ageless beauty) with Tony Dovolani
Antonio Sabato, Jr. (underwear model) with Cheryl Burke
Lolo Jones (Olympic athlete) with Keo Motsepe

Good god, what a MESS! First of all, if you’re going to choose any guy from Mean Girls, GET KEVIN GNAPOOR! I don’t care if Aaron Samuels looks sexy with his hair pushed back – if you want real raw showmanship, you call in a math enthusiast/badass MC. Second, we’re culling YouTube for “stars” now? I’m sure Bethany Mota is a very nice girl, but honestly ABC, this is how low your standards have sunk? People who have YouTube channels? I know a guy who makes funny Vines about sandwiches – want me to forward you his contact info? And hasn’t Antonio Sabato, Jr. done this shit already? I know he hasn’t, but I feel like he’s been on every season.

The silver lining is Alfonso Ribeiro, who I hope and pray brings some classic Carlton moves to the dance floor, and I’m not referring to the Carlton Dance; I want to see the Billie Jean striptease!

Then again, that might be too hot for all the memaws watching at home and their pacemakers might explode, which means DWTS could potentially lose 98% of its viewers. It’s not worth the risk!

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