Chris Brown Pleads Guilty To Whooping A Trick In DC And Gets Two Days In Jail

September 2, 2014 / Posted by:

There must have been a full moon or something, because this is the second story about a dum-dum dick dripping who spent their Labor Day weekend dealing with an assault charge.

TMZ says that Chris Brown, the human equivalent to getting diarrhea at the mall and the only toilet paper they have is that 1-ply tissue paper bullshit, appeared in a Washington D.C. courtroom on Tuesday morning to accept a plea deal in the assault case that was born when Chris Brown tried to whoop a trick Chris Brown-style outside a W Hotel in Washington last October. Breezy told the judge that he wants to go on tour and spread his message of crappy music across the land, like a shitty Johnny Appleseed, and that he’s so sowwy and just wants to put this all behind him, so he plead guilty and accepted a misdemeanor assault charge.

Normally this would be where Chris Brown puts on an orange jumpsuit and joins Crazy Eyes and Red in Litchfield, but that’s not happening. The judge sentenced Chris Brown to time he already served, which was 2 days in a Washington jail. He ended up doing 108 days in L.A. County lockup because the D.C. assault violated his probation (which he was on for assaulting Rihanna), so I guess that counts? Either way, the case is closed and he won’t serve any more time in the pokey (well, at least until the next time he violently assaults someone).

According to the NY Daily News, Breezy’s lawyer Danny Onorato (that name sounds like the name of every backup dancer ever) claims the judgement is fair, considering he’s already served his time and he’s SO SOWWY, which has to count for something, right?

“To say that he’s been punished severely in this matter is an understatement,” Onorato said. He said Brown’s career has been on hold for nearly a year and he wanted to take responsibility for his actions so he could go back to work, including a tour in support of a new album.

You hear that? #POORBREEZY. Breezy had to put his career as a pop singer on hold for almost a whole year because some inconsiderate asshole’s face got in the way of his fist. Ugh, SO rude.

Now that Chris Brown has swept this mess under the rug, I don’t think he has anything else on his plate, right? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think he’s no longer on probation for beating up RiRi, and he’s done with this D.C. drama, and that fight with Frank Ocean at a club never really went anywhere. Does Breezy have a clean slate? C’est impossible! Chris Brown isn’t Chris Brown unless he’s currently whooping a trick or being arrested for whooping a trick or on probation for whooping a trick. Basically what I’m trying to say is that there’s a great disturbance in the force, and you should hide yo face hide yo everything, because Chris Brown is on the loose and it’s only a matter of time before he starts filling up his dance card with punches again!

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