Doctors Are Slowly Bringing Joan Rivers Out Of Medically Induced Coma

September 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above in happier days with that hot piece from Rocky the Musical (just focus on his nipples and try not to spend too much on the “cumming and pooping at the same time” face he’s making), 81-year-old Joan Rivers is slowly being pulled out of the coma that doctors put her in after her endoscopy made a sharp turn down MAN DOWN CODE 10 Way and she stopped breathing. Joan was put on life support and her doctors placed her in a medically induced coma, and hopefully for the past few days she’s been in a magical dreamland where she’s been watching her arch rival Elizabeth Taylor eat at McDonald’s. The NYDN says that doctors and Joan’s family have made the decision to bring her out of a coma to see how she does.

A source tells the NYDN that yesterday, doctors began lifting her out of a coma and the process will be done by tomorrow. Doctors could quickly bring her out of the coma by whispering, “There’s a Botox shortage,” in her ear, but they need to bring her out slowly. The source claims that doctors are afraid that the part of her brain that controls her motor skills could’ve been damaged, which means she could end up in a wheelchair or not be able to talk, walk and do anything on her own. Shit is already on the top level of serious and it could get even more serious. Melissa Rivers is apparently considering throwing a lawsuit at the clinic where Joan had the throat procedure done. The source said this about that:

“Shock and upset is turning to anger, and they are looking for someone to blame. The night before, she was performing and now she is on life support. An 81-year-old should not have that procedure as an outpatient. Very ill-advised.”

Some other source said that Joan would never want to live unless she is able to live a full life and can take care of herself. Melissa said in a statement yesterday that her family has their “fingers crossed.”

Everything I know about medically induced comas, I learned while watching a novella with my abuelita years ago. I don’t remember the name of that shit, but in it, doctors brought the patriarch of some rich family out of a coma and he was a completely different person. He was the total opposite. So if novellas are real-life, then when Joan comes out of a coma, she’ll be a pro-Palestine activist who loves playing pokah and wears CROCs and skorts.

If Joan doesn’t pull through, then we’ll probably be living in a world where Ghouliana Rancic is the head host of Fashion Police and considered the authority on award show fashion. NOOOOOOOO! Pull through, Joan! Pull through!

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