Diana Ross Is Officially Related To The Simpsons

September 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Yesterday in Greenwich, CT, a trick who is only semi-famous because of her sister married a trick who is only semi-famous because of his mom. 29-year-old Ashlee Simpson made 26-year-old Evan Ross her second husband at his mom’s estate. I figured that Diana Ross would pull a stage 10 Marky Mark and not show up to the wedding, because she had to meet with her lawyers to fast-track papers legally emancipating herself from Evan Ross for dragging her into that crazy family. But Diana Ross was there and she planned the whole wedding and performed. Miss Ross has gone insane.

UsWeekly says that Asshole wore a pearl-embellished, long-sleeved wedding gown and $750,000 worth of Neil Lane jooree including a tiara. Nobody really cared what Ashlee was wearing, because they were too busy gasping at the pretty-faced beauty of Evan Ross and the bow tie-shaped pube bush on his chin. Jessica Simpson was Ashlee’s matron of honor and her kids, Maxwell and Ace, were the flower girl and ring bearer. After the ceremony, Ashlee cut the cake with her chin and Diana Ross performed. Diana Ross performing at her son’s wedding reception makes sense, because: a) she’s Diana Ross and performing is her OXYGEN and; b) the more time she spent at the mic meant the less chances Ashlee had to get up on stage to “sing” to her groom.

UsWeekly has zero details about the only Simpson we care about: PAPA JOE! Bronx Mowgli walked Ashlee down the aisle, not Papa Joe. Ashlee is such a transparent bitch. I see what she did there. Ashlee knew that if Papa Joe walked her down the aisle, his glamorous ensemble (an ivory leather suit, a white fishnet tank, silver alligator sandals and a rhinestone headband) would take all the attention away from her who cares ass and Evan would want to marry Papa Joe instead and then the Ross family fortune would never be hers! It’s the only smart decision Ashlee has ever made.

And here’s pictures of Diana Ross looking like an exploding Muppet tampon while performing last year. I’m choosing to believe that this is what she wore to the ceremony.

Pics: Wenn.com

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