Archives: September 2014

Keanu Reeves Found A Strange Lady In His House And Acted Very Keanu Reeves-y About It

September 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Earlier this week, the human equivalent of the word “Duuuude“, Keanu Reeves, received the world’s worst wake-up call (I mean, all wake-up calls are the worst, but this one was particularly bogus) after a strange lady broke into his house at 4am while he was sleeping. TMZ says that Keanu was woken up early Monday morning when he heard sounds coming from his library. When he got up to check if his books had come to life (you know part of him did), he discovered a lady in her mid-40s sitting on a chair.

But instead of freaking out and trying to whoop a trick, Matrix-style, by throwing a bunch of books in slow-motion while screaming “WHAT IF I TOLD YOU TO GET THE FUCK OUT?!?“, Keanu calmly approached her and asked why she was in his house. She explained she was there to meet him, so he politely excused himself to another room, called 911, and she was taken away by police for a psychiatric evaluation. TMZ says that Keanu’s house is built like a fort, so it’s amazing she managed to get in at all. Unfortunately, he didn’t set his security alarm before he went to bed, and she was able to sneak in pretty easily.

Keanu was way more chill in that situation than I would be. Last week, I was woken up by a scratching sound outside by bedroom window. Immediately I started sweating profusely; I was convinced it was Leatherface or the Candyman. Knowing I was too scared to do shit, I started bargaining with Dorito Jesus to spare my life and promising that I’d never call Kim Kardashian a drowsy-faced goblin hooker ever again. Yes, I was THAT scared. Eventually I got up the nerve to grab an aluminum baseball bat and see what the noise was. Turns out it was a possum taking a shit on the porch. The possum literally shot me a look like “Bitch, is everything ok? You are a MESS!” Clearly I need a Keanu in my life to teach me how to calm the fuck down a bit.


Final Proof That True Love Is And Has Always Been A Lie: America’s Royal Couple Has Separated

September 19, 2014 / Posted by:

QUICK! Everyone form a protective circle around Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon, because 2014 is really taking a machete to the meaning of real love and none of our favorite couples are safe!

Most of you are still lying on the floor in a pile of sadness after reading about the tragic death of Canada’s royal couple and this truly sad news is going to make you want to pull yourself off of the floor and fall down again while screaming, “NO! NO! NO!TMZ says that the couple I thought would last forever (served with zero sarcasm) has broken up. Mama June has taken off her commitment ring and dumped Sugar Bear after finding out that he’s been trolling dating sites for new ass. Sugar Bear put up profiles on dating sites including You know, Sugar Bear is as slow as Mama June’s metabolism, so maybe he thought that was a website where you buy actual fish?

TMZ has a screen shot of Sugar Bear’s profile. He calls himself Georgiafighter31054 and says he loves to hunt fish and ride 4 wheelers. Mama June believe in her diabetes-filled heart of diabetes-filled hearts that Sugar Bear’s been sticking his sugar dick in other tricks. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is shooting right now and once they’re done, she’s going to pack up her tribe of deep fried dumplings and move out of the house. She’s going to move closer to her relatives. Mama June and Sugar Bear released this sad-inducing statement to TMZ:

“Sugar Bear and I have decided to take some time apart to figure out some things in our relationship. We are taking things day by day but regardless of what happens the girls will always be our #1 priority. We want to thank ya’ll for your support.”

This has to be a shameless stunt for the finale of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. This world cannot go on without Sugar Bear gently sticking his peen between Mama June’s luscious stack of Pringles chins and fighting off the gnats to nibble off the corns from her forklift foot. That’s real love. My heart is broken and not even a gallon of sketti sauce can mend it together.

Here’s Mama June and Sugar Bear during happier times at Extra or Access Hollywood (or whatever show that twat Mario Lopez hosts) last year.


Happy Apple Getting Richer Day! Here’s A Video Of The First iPhone 6 Buyer Dropping It On Live TV

September 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Jack from Perth, Australia slept on the street overnight to be the first person in the world Australia Perth at that Apple store to get the new iPhone 6 and a quick second after he had that priceless nerd jewel (which will be obsolete and a relic in 6 months when the iPhone 7 comes out) in his hands, he dropped it while showing it to a reporter. The way that crowd dramatically let out an “ooooooooh.” You’d think Jack dropped something extremely precious like a baby or a donut. When it slipped out of the box, I expected time to move in slow motion and as Jack contemplated suicide over the thought of his newborn iPhone shattering on the concrete, dozens of fanboys in the crowd would throw themselves on the sidewalk to protect civilization’s greatest creation.

But you know, something in the Victoria Bitter ain’t clean about this. What kind of crazy, hardcore Apple fanboy opens up his new iPhone 6 on the STREET? Every self-respecting crazy, hardcore Apple fanbitch leaves the store with their new iPhone 6 while protected by two rented armed guards and after they escort him home in an armored vehicle, he barricades his front door, closes all the curtains and gently lays his new baby on a freshly cleaned velvet cloth before he blesses it with a worn Steve Jobs turtleneck he bought on eBay and jacks off while pressing the play button for the first time. He would never share that intimate and religious moment with a bunch of strangers.

I didn’t see any tears and he didn’t immediately kiss his iPhone 6 while screaming, “I almost lost you! I almost lost you!” FAKE! That shit was obviously a publicity stunt produced by Apple. When I played that clip on my ancient iPhone 5s, I asked Siri, “Siri, is this shit staged and fake,” and she didn’t say a word. Bitch must’ve signed a non-disclosure.

via Buzzfeed


Avril Lavigne And Chad Kroeger’s Marriage Is Dead Because She’s Convinced He’s Going To Cheat On Her

September 19, 2014 / Posted by:

I don’t know if it’s the 3 slices of coconut cream pie I just ate or picturing Chad Kroeger rubbing his ramen noodle-pubed trouser worm on the greasy crotches of a bunch of random mouth-breathing Nickelback groupies, but I feel very very ill all of a sudden. You’re right, it’s definitely not the pie. It’s never the pie.

So it looks like we might finally have a reason for why the Manic Panic Pixie Dream Goblin and the come-to-life AXE-scented wallet chain called it quits on their douche-approved union. According to Radar, Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger have spent the last couple months of their 14-month marriage fighting like cats and dogs (or a busted Hello Kitty sticker and an inbred Cocker Spaniel) over several things:

1. Avril can’t trust Chad to keep it in his pants. Chad cheated on his ex-girlfriend with Avril, and now she’s afraid he’ll skip out on her after humping on another kohl-eyed Hot Topic troll

2. Avril has fetus fever (oh lord NO) but Chad doesn’t want a baby right now because he’s about to go on tour

3. Avril’s last album, Avril Lavigne, went triple bismuth (9 copies in Saskatoon) and she blames the album’s failure on Chad because he produced it

So basically, Avril and Chad are the low-budget Labatt Blue Spencer’s Gifts version of Tori and The Deaner. YES I SAID LOW BUDGET; Tori and The Deaner are the gold standard for messy dum-dum cheater marriages.

Personally I’m kind of surprised these are the straws that broke the moose’s back. Cheating and a baby? I was hoping Canada’s Royal Couple would bring the drama in a more Canadian way. Where’s the story about Avril selling all of Chad’s Corner Gas DVDs in a garage sale? Or Chad eating Avril’s Swiss Chalet left-overs from the fridge? You let me down, you two!

QOTD: How The Lead Singer Of Papa Roach Got Herpes On His Mouth

September 19, 2014 / Posted by:

SHOCK OF THE DAY: Dude didn’t get it from sucking on Parasite Hilton.Unless….his uncle IS Parasite Hilton.

I didn’t think the day that I’d write about Papa Roach would ever come, but it has and it involves the herp, of course. Jacoby Shaddix, the 38-year-old lead ho of the band you used to listen to in the early 2000s when you felt like the world didn’t understand you and you wanted to feel extra angsty, talked to Hit The Floor (via Uproxx) about all the “firsts” in his life. Jacoby shat up the story of his first kiss and CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES I DIDN’T NEED TO READ THAT SHIT. I really don’t need to check to tell Jacoby Shaddix that he’s probably related to St. Angie Jolie and James Haven. This is all the proof I need:

“My first kiss was when my uncle kissed me and he gave me herpes. It was terrible. Anybody else got herpes? Yeah, you do. Don’t lie to yourself. I know you got it, you watching this.”

Papa Roach + creepy uncles + herpes = a reason for you to take a mental health day and spend your afternoon funneling Everclear into your ear hole to wipe that uncomfortable tidbit from your brain.

But I’ve got a question. What’s worse? Your uncle giving you herpes or your uncle giving you a new Papa Roach album? Or is that a trick question?

Beyoncé Apparently Broke The News About Baby No. 2 At Kelly Rowland’s Baby Shower

September 19, 2014 / Posted by:

When Jay-Z casually (read: deliberately, as was instructed by Beyoncé and her cabal of sentient wigs) alluded to an unnamed “she” being pregnant with her second child during one of the last We Want Attention shows in Paris last Saturday, it might not actually have been the BREAKING BEY-BY NEWS we thought it was. According to OK! magazine (via Hollywood Life), Beyoncé spilled the bey-eans that she’s started shopping for pillows back in August at Kelly Rowland’s baby shower.

An attendee claims that Bey told her friends at the party that “Baby No. 2 was on the way”, which obviously means she received confirmation that the Illuminati has shipped her new baby from their headquarters under the Pentagon and it should arrive between 32 to 36 weeks. Please pay all applicable taxes and duties upon delivery. Sorry, no refunds.

But back to Beyoncé announcing the news of her second bey-by at Kelly Rowland’s baby shower. Would Beyoncé actually make Kelly’s special day all about Beyoncé? SHE WOULD! There’s no way Beyoncé was ever going to let Kelly “Second Lead Vocalist” Rowland steal the spotlight! I bet she walked in with a diaper cake like “Kelly, this diaper cake is for…MOI! Because I’m going to have another baby! Aren’t you all thrilled? Kelly, ask your fetus if it’s thrilled. Then ask your fetus to stay 3 feet behind me, because it’s sort-of in my spotlight.

Meanwhile, Michelle Williams just found out the news today. No, not Bey’s baby news; the news that Kelly Rowland had a baby shower. “Uh…I guess my invitation got lost in the mail? Yeah, that’s it.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Hardeep Singh Kohli, the British broadcaster who brought his A+++ patriotic fashion game to the BBC News coverage of the Scotland vote last night.

Today, THE QUEEN is slipping on her leather glove while she sits on her throne and is waiting for Scotland to lay themselves over her lap so she can spank them hard for trying to run away from her. The Guardian says that almost 45% of voters in Scotland voted to turn Great Britain into Eh, It’s Okay Britain by breaking away from THE QUEEN. 55% voted to make Alan Cumming sad by voting NO to become an independent country. Around 84% of eligible voters voted. David Cameron, the PM of the United Kingdom, said this statement of words after the vote was made official:

The people of Scotland have spoken. It is a clear result. They have kept our country of four nations together. Like millions of other people, I am delighted. As I said during the campaign, it would have broken my heart to see our United Kingdom come to an end.

And I know that sentiment was shared by people, not just across our country, but also around the world….because of what we’ve achieved together in the past and what we can do together in the future. So now it is time for our United Kingdom to come together, and to move forward.

THE QUEEN issued this statement:

If the United Kingdom was Destiny’s Child, I’d be the Beyonce and you, Scotland, would be the Farrah. You go when I tell you to go. Do not fuck with me again. Bleheheheeheheh!

But really, according to some emails I got last night and this morning, the badass star of the night was Hardeep Singh Kohli, a British broadcaster and Scottish Sikh who grew up in Scotland and works in England. Hardeep came to play hard by wearing a kilt, aviators, turquoise turban, t-shirt, white socks and sneakers. The dude next to him is like, “I’m only wearing boring broadcaster clothes, my argument is invalid.” I know about the whole “democracy is best, blah, blah” thing, but Hardeep really should’ve been the only vote, because a dude who puts together an ensemble like that should make all the decisions.

Pic: Twitter


Birthday Sluts

September 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Jimmy Fallon (40)
Katrina Bowden (26)
Danielle Panabaker (27)
Lydia Hearst-Shaw (30)
Kevin Zegers (30)
Tegan and Sara Quin (34)
Noémie Lenoir (35)
Ramin Karimloo (36)
Carter Oosterhouse (38)
Alison Sweeney (38)
Victoria Silvstedt (40)
Stephanie J Block (42)
Sanaa Lathan (43)
Soledad O’Brien (48)
Kim Richards (50)
Trisha Yearwood (50)
Jarvis Cocker (51)
Cheri Oteri (52)
Mario Batali (54)
Lita Ford (56)
Rex Smith (59)
Joan Lunden (64)
Twiggy (65)
Sally Potter (65)
Jeremy Irons (66)
Freda Payne (72)
Adam West (86)
Rosemary Harris (87)
James Lipton (88)


Night Crumbs

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Jennifer Lawrence was at a Coldplay show in L.A. last night and sometime during the concert, Chris Martin pointed at her in the audience and said, “Aha! I see you!” Well, so much for Martin Lawrence. She’s totally going to dump him now. It’s one thing to be dating Chris Martin, but it’s another for him to point you out and let everyone know that you’re at a Coldplay concert – Lainey Gossip 

Lady CaCa delivered an understated entrance at Athens International Airport. Norma Desmond approves! – Egotastic!

That blonde one throwing a stankified side-eye at Kendull Jenner does look like she wants to pull a Nomi Malone on a trick – The Superficial

Which one is Karlie Kloss and which one is Taylor Swift again? – Drunken Stepfather

Howie Mandel’s just thinking about how Heidi Klum’s chichis would look a million times better if they had Purell smeared all over them – WWTDD

I wonder if Alec Baldwin called the dean at the University of Phoenix a toxic little queen or if he went with a classic by calling the dean a rude, thoughtless little pig? – Celebitchy

Kandi Burruss’ A Mother’s Love will be changing its to title to A Mother’s Broke and will be performing  for coins on a MARTA platform – Reality Tea

I read this headline as “Neil Patrick Harris Got Choked Out At His Italian Wedding” and I thought, damn, I didn’t know Doogie was into that Fifty Shades shit – Towleroad

It seems like Mila Kunis is entering her 5th trimester – Popoholic

Janet from 90210 had another baby – Popsugar

Now I know who Posh Beckham donated her old silicone titty sacks to – Hollywood Tuna

Chris Evans looks like a Gandalf astronaut and I still would – Pajiba

What in Dollywood parking lot hooker HELL is Karkoochie Tran wearing? – ICYDK

Lassie would never screw up like this – The Berry

Was Jean Kasem involved in a threesome with a homeless man recently? – OMG Blog

Connie Britton’s 1980s hair looks like a pigeon taking a nap and it’s glorious – HuffPo

I see what you did there, Just Jared – Just Jared

What kind of fart bubble of dumb did Don Lemon spit out today? – Boy Culture

Pic: FameFlynet


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