Archives: September 2014

In “What Does Mayim Bialik Hate Now” News: Mayim Bialik Also Hates Frozen

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Mayim Bialik, the grown-up hat-less version of Blossom, took a break from hissing at toddler-faced jailbait-looking baby stripper Ariana Grande Latte to put some damn clothes on to take a swipe at Disney’s Frozen. But what would Blossom possibly hate about Frozen? Well, besides hearing “Let It Go” for the 4,97,246th time. Am I forgetting a scene where Elsa ditches her dress for a pair of hot pants and some hooker heels and grinds against Olaf’s carrot?

No. Apparently Blossom hates Frozen because there wasn’t enough of a Feminism message, but also there was too much male-bashing. Blossom explained on Kveller (via UsWeekly) that she HATED Frozen with the fire of a thousand burning Blossom hats for three reasons:

1. She hated that Elsa’s sister Anna’s identity was tied up in trying to land a man

2. She hated that Prince Hans turns out the be a lie-telling double-crossing scheming asshole, thus teaching little girls not to trust men

3. She hated that Elsa and Anna looked like dolls

Damn, she got all that from a children’s movie about a chick who makes snow with her hands? I guess that’s why she has a PhD and I have a fake diploma printed on the back of a menu from a college-themed restaurant called Pasta Academy (I majored in deliciousness with a minor in all-you-can-eat breadsticks).

I sort of get what she’s saying. Yes, Elsa and Anna look like they were conceived during a messy night at the Mattel factory between a skinny piece of plastic and a giant eye, and yes, Anna wants a ring on her goddamn finger ASAP so she can live happily ever after. But that’s because this is a Disney movie! Complaining about that is like walking into John Travolta’s wiglet closet (it’s a big closet) and getting pissed that it’s filled with fake hair.

But was it really male-bashing to make Prince Hans an asshole? Aren’t most Princes massive pricks? (“HOW DARE YOU” – Michael K, clutching a framed picture of Prince Hot Ginge).

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¡¡Escándalo!! Miley Cyrus Could Go To Jail For Disrespecting The Mexican Flag

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Mexico might (read: probably not) do what other countries should’ve done a long time ago: Throw Miley Cyrus in jail!

During a show in Monterrey, Mexico on Tuesday night (which was Mexican Independence Day), Miley put on a ridiculous fake ass (in her defense, it looks more natural than Kim Kartrashian’s ass) and as she twerked for the audience, one of her dancers spanked her with the Mexican flag. To quote my abuelita when she’s in the company of children, “COCHINA!” To also quote my abuelita when she’s not in the company of children, “Pinche pendeja!” The Mexican flag butt whipping starts at around the 2:20 mark in the video below and to those who have said that Miley needs a serious ass whoopin, I don’t think this is what you had in mind:

The Mexican government is serious about their flag, so they’re not happy about this. There’s a law in Mehico stating that any trick who disrespects their flag may be fined or jailed. (I may or may not typed that sentence while wearing an ass-less Mexican flag Speedo.) Reuters says that the Nuevo Leon state legislature is coming after Miley and wants to spank her fake ass with either jail time or a fine. The stage legislature approved a warrant for Interior Ministry to enforce the flag law on Miley. Miley or her people could be fined up to $1,200 or they could be jailed for 36 hours. In 2008, Paulina Rubio was fined after she posed with the Mexican flag over her naked body.

Screw the fine, jail that hillbilly piece of basuda! If you’re thinking to yourself that Miley’s dancer should face punishment since he’s the one who spanked her with the flag, then you need to blow the cum dust out of your contacts, because that’s not what I’m seeing. Miley is OBVIOUSLY “twerking” into that flag, so she’s the one who committed the crime (just go with it). At the very least, Mexican officials should unleash Mexican novella queen Soraya Montenegro on Miley. In this GIF the role of Soraya Montenegro will be played by Soraya Montenegro and the role of Miley will be played by that girl in the wheelchair (Side note: Soraya IS Kanye’s hero):

mileymexicanflag

LAAAAAAAAAAAAARGATE de aqui, Miley!

Pic: Instagram GIF: Blogspot

Ben Affleck Admits To Details That Yeah, He Counts Cards, So What?

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

The Rainmaker” – I bet that’s his nickname at strip clubs.

Ben Affleck, seen here looking sort of like an off-brand hybrid of Ryan Reynolds and George Clooney, spoke to Details magazine with director David Fincher about their upcoming film Gone Girl, and I guess there’s only so many times you can ask “So…does he actually kill his wife or what?“, because the conversation turned to that time the douchey half of Bennifer got kicked out of the Hard Rock Casino for counting cards at a blackjack table. And that the time he got kicked out of a Canadian casino for counting cards at a blackjack table. And basically all the other times he got caught gambling dirty.

But Ben Affleck doesn’t give a shit that he’s built up a reputation in the gaming community as the smug rich guy version of Raymond Babbitt. In fact, he’s pretty proud that he’s gotten so good at knowing when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em that casinos don’t want him hanging around because they know he’ll clean their asses out. Ben Affleck IS Kenny Rogers’ The Gambler!

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Brian, a 4-year-old Samoyed from England who loves eating thongs so much that he ate a thong, got surgery to get it removed and ate another one. And now you’ll have the Thong Song stuck in your head for the rest of the day. “Let me eat that thaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaa-ong.

When some drunk wrecks (see: me maybe once or twice) get so drunk that they barf their insides out, they don’t take that as a serious hint and switch out the sweet nectar for water or coffee. They wipe the puke from their mouths and keep boozing. They drop and reload. That’s what this hot bitch Brian is in the news for, but replace “booze” with “thongs” and replace “barf” with “surgery.” Brian (Side note: I love it when dogs have people names) loves nom nom nom-ing on panties so much that he won’t let a little thing called “a two-hour surgery” get in the way of him turning his stomach into a chonies drawer.

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Birthday Sluts

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Fred Willard (75)
Patrick Schwarzenegger (21)
Keeley Hazell (28)
Danielle Jonas (28)
Alison Lohman (35)
Sara Haines (37)
Jason Sudeikis (39)
Xzibit (40)
Towanda Braxton (41)
James Marsden (41)
Ami Onuki (41)
Lance Armstrong (43)
Jada Pinkett Smith (43)
Aisha Tyler (44)
Tara Fitzgerald (47)
Ricky Bell (47)
Holly Robinson Peete (50)
Joanne Catherall (52)
Lori and George Schappell (53)
Jeana Keough (59)
Anna Deavere Smith (64)
Satan’s Angel (70)
Frankie Avalon (74)
Robert Blake (81)

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Night Crumbs

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Ellen Page is in W Magazine and her facial expression tells me that either she’s confused as we are about the Eyes Wide Shut shit they made her wear or she’s gotta piss – Lainey Gossip 

Backdoor Farrah abandoned the idea of homeschooling her daughter after finding out that she has to teach her kid the ABCs and the answer to 2 + 2 and other stuff she doesn’t know - Reality Tea

In other words, Princess Charlene feels the same way she felt before she got knocked up with an heir – Celebitchy

Claudia Schiffer’s still got it - Drunken Stepfather

If anybody should get the switch, it’s Reggie Bush for dating a Kardashian for so long – The Superficial

Germany’s finest alpine rose Micaela Schaefer is topless in public again. It must be a weekday. – Egotastic

I would totally start watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey again if they went to Chernobyl for their big group trip – WWTDD

Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka redefine the definition of TWEE once again – Towleroad

YOUR TAG IS STICKING OUT, EVA! - Hollywood Tuna

Slow clap for Suri Cruise’s styling skills on Katie Holmes last night – Popholic

NBC is rebooting Problem Child as a TV show and I nominate Justin Bieber or Ariana Grande Latte for the title role – Pajiba

Here’s the cover that Ashlee Simpson, who couldn’t sell her wedding pictures to anyone, is attacking with her chin in a violent rage – ICYDK

Kimye is trying to have publicity stunt #2 – Popsugar

I love a good blow job view picture – The Berry

Adam from Girls has never watched GirlsHuffPo

Nesam Pedrad lied to Kim Kartrashian’s face – OMG Blog

I see that Emily Thorne from Revenge let Wiggy Azalea borrow her wig – Just Jared

I hate my eyeballs today and could punch them for mistaking Lady CaCa for CoCoSOW

Pic: W Magazine

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Open Post: Hosted By The Trash Vigilante Of Russia

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Dlisted was hit with some tech issues for most of the day and just when I was about to pluck out my last crotch hair, someone sent me this video of a vigilante on a bike who searches the streets of Russia for trash throwing pieces of trash and gives them a sour taste of their own medicine by throwing their crap back at them. It’s a great way to take out your frustrations and I’d do the same thing, but I don’t leave the house and if I did that around here I’d get shot. This does come off as kind of fake and staged, because it feels too convenient, nobody shoots her and nobody’s drinking vodka. It’s Russia. They should all be drinking vodka. Dah.

If she’s the real thing, her name is probably Bette Midler and she should start patrolling Calabasas, CA. As soon as she saw Kim Kardashian get out of a car, she’d throw that piece of trash right back in. This world needs a real hero like that.

via HuffPo (Thanks Benjamin)

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RIP The Meaning Of Everlasting Love: Canada’s Royal Couple Is Headed For Divorce

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Pretty much every time two twats break up, I declare the death of love and say that Valentine’s Day should be canceled forever and we should all spend February 14th mourning the loss of true love by bawling into a giant plastic clear tub of Neapolitan ice cream (I know you buy that shit at Costco) while wearing a black veil. (That’s how I spend my Valentine’s Day anyway). But this time I really mean it. If a half-broken Canadian Go Girl who should be arrested for committing crimes against ears and a half-broken Canadian Go Girl who should be arrested for committing crimes against ears can’t make it work, who can? Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger are on the same level of awful. They are a match made in hell and they should be together forever. I don’t know what to believe in anymore.

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Martin Lawrence Does Date Night At Home

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

As always, cut to the real Martin Lawrence wondering: ‘Damn Gina, when the hell did I decide to stop doing date night at The Cheesecake Factory?

According to People, Chris Pratt’s sister from another mister (whatever the fuck that means) Jennifer Lawrence and human casual scarf Chris Martin don’t do regular date nights like the rest of us: they don’t realize at 5:45pm that they forgot to take a shower and rush to find a shirt that doesn’t smell like turkey or is covered in dog hair before driving across town to the ‘good’ Olive Garden to wait 45 minutes for a table because SOMEONE forgot to call and make reservations. They don’t do that. What they do do is they stay at home and bask in the warming glow of each other’s radiant awesomeness. Or slow-fuck to “The Scientist“, I dunno:

“Jen has made a few visits to his Malibu house,” says a source. “Chris seems very respectful of Gwyneth and feels more comfortable spending time with Jen away from his family.”

On weekends, though, the singer has been all about his kids Apple and Moses. “Gwyneth and Chris take the kids for brunch or dinner together every weekend,” says the source. “He and Gwyneth still share responsibilities when it comes to their two kids.”

Ugh, poor JLaw! I bet that when date night comes around, she’d love nothing more than to hit up her local Hooters for some all-you-can-eat wings and get wild on a couple $5.99 pitchers of PBR, but Chris is too tired from being GOOP-whipped all weekend, so they have to stay home. And you know that sleepy-sounding trick is already at maximum tired before he even shuffles off to Castle Goopskull! Imagine what it’s like when he comes home? “Oh god, then she made the three of us go on a 3-hour scavenger hunt for a 15th Century Italian hairbrush hand-carved for Cosimo de Medici she’d hidden somewhere in the house. Our reward for finding it was to brush her hair 10,000 strokes while she told us about the many uses of imported dolphin salt. I’m exhausted. Let’s just watch some Big Bang Theory and order Thai.

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