Archives: September 2014

Amanda Bynes Was High On Adderall When She Was Arrested For DUI

September 30, 2014 / Posted by:

More details have been released concerning Amanda Bynes’ Sunday morning arrest for driving like a damn drugged-up mess. TMZ had originally stated that the ratty wig-wearing driveway fire-setting former terror of Southern California was high on the mara-juana when she got pulled over, but now they’re changing their story and saying that she was actually rolling on totally legal prescription drugs. TMZ says the influence Amanda was driving under was Adderall, something that had been prescribed by her doctor. Amanda’s DUI does violate her probation, but the fact that the drugs came from her doctor and not some shady dude named Sleazy-P in the paper towels aisle of a Walmart (not that I’d know anything about that) will help her case.

But it sounds like Adderall is the only pharmaceutical Amanda has been gobbling down; a source close to Amanda (a giant clump of pastel polyester hair) claims she’s off her anti-psychotic meds. Ruh roh. She’s also been smoking a lot of weed too (just not early Sunday morning when she was arrested). And according to Radar, all the weed and pills and guzzling grown-up go-go juice (yes she’s back to drinking) has caused Amanda to flunk out of fashion school. NOOOOO!!!! I was so looking forward to the UGLY by Amanda Bynes 2015 fall collection!

But where are Amanda’s parents? After their conservatorship ended earlier this month and she left the nest, surely they kept tabs on their crazy baby bird, right? Well, not exactly. TMZ says they haven’t really heard from her since she left for Orange County. In fact, they learned she had been arrested for a DUI this weekend from the media. They also have no idea where she is now. Hey Amanda, call your fucking parents!

So let’s see here – using the Theory of Probability, combined with Brit Brit’s Law of Unstable Crazy, we can predict what Amanda will do next. For instance, we already have [Y + (weed + adderall) x alcohol] – (anti-psychotics + parents) = DUI. All you have to do is solve the value of Y. And knowing what we know, clearly Y = more insane busted Bride of Chucky living nightmare Twitter videos!

That Didn’t Take Long: George Clooney And Amal Alamuddin’s Wedding Pictures Are Already Out

September 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Because the universe heard you when you thought to yourself yesterday, “I really haven’t seen or heard enough about George Clooney’s motherfucking wedding,” People, Hello!, The New York Post and Vogue all threw up pictures of Amal Alamuddin’s wedding dress today. I fully expect to see close-up pictures of the food in Food & Wine Magazine, a 35-page profile in Boating Magazine about the boat they rode in, pictures of the custom-made wedding night anal beads they used in Hustler Magazine and an interview in Dog Fancy with the stray dogs in Venice who watched the wedding through a window. It’s only just begun! And you’re probably looking at that cover of People and thinking to yourself, “Tell me more about the Property Brothers at home…

People and Hello! not only published dozens of pictures, but also a million details. Clooney wore Giorgio Armani, his cufflinks from his bride had his name in Arabic etched into them, Amal wore a custom Oscar de la Renta gown, there were 100 guests from 30 countries, the ugly cake was almost as big as Clooney’s ego, their first dance was to Cole Porter’s “Why Shouldn’t I?“, family friend Nora Sagal sang Irving Berlin’sAlways” and they got married in Italy because they met there. Amal’s mother said a few words to People about the wedding and I’m sure those words were not written by George Clooney’s PR team:

“George and Amal radiated love all night. The wedding was so unbelievably special, it was legendary. These three days – the friends, the families, the atmosphere, everything – will stay with me all the rest of my life.”

Inside Edition says that the wedding cost $13 million. Clooney and Amal got paid for the pictures, of course, and they’re donating the cash to charity.

Also, guests were all given an iPod with Clooney and Amal’s favorite songs on them. More like iBarf. Bono was a guest, so I’m guessing that the bottom of the Grand Canal in Venice is now an iPod graveyard. Because as soon as guests started up their iPods and noticed that U2′s new album was on it, they threw that shit in the water.

After the cut is a picture of AlaLooney on Hello! and Amal at her dress fitting with Oscar de la Renta. Sadly, I didn’t include any pictures of the Property Brothers at home.

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Hot Sluts Of The Day!

September 30, 2014 / Posted by:

The firefighters from the Lacey Fire Department in Lacey, Washington who rescued a family of hamsters from a fire and saved 4 of them by giving them oxygen!

Well, it looks like that soul-warming picture of a firefighter giving oxygen to a kitten has some company in the file of photos I look at whenever I want to awwww out of my skin and actually feel things.

KOMO News says that on Friday night, firefighters responded to a mobile home fire in Lacey and once they got inside, they didn’t find any humans, but they did find two grown-up hamsters named Madonna and Oreo (I. CAN. NOT.) and their three babies. The entire hamster family had passed the hell out from smoke inhalation. Firefighters carried the hamster family out of the burning home. Once they got outside, they consulted their “pet emergency pocket guide” and quickly made a make-shift oxygen mask that was tiny enough for the baby hamster faces.

Tim Hulse of the Lacey Fire Department said they were able to save 4 of the hamsters, but sadly, one of them is now running on a wheel made of clouds in heaven. Tim Hulse told Today that saving hamsters is all part of the job:

“The primary reason we were there was to put out a house fire. But we’re in the business of customer service, and any time we’re called to help people, we do the best we can to make their bad situation a little better.”

I’m going to need the Lacey Fire Department to break down my door, drag me out and give me oxygen, because I think I’m about to pass out from the awww-ness overload.

And the Lacey PD should bring Madonna and Oreo in for questioning. I mean, hamsters do eat their babies. Bring them in and put them under the tiny light!

Pic: Lacey Fire Department

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Birthday Sluts

September 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Monica Bellucci (50)
Ezra Miller (22)
T-Pain (29)
Keisha Buchanan (30)
Lacey Chabert (32)
Kieran Culkin (32)
Dominique Moceanu (33)
Martina Hingis (34)
Marion Cotillard (39)
Ashley Hamilton (40)
Jenna Elfman (43)
Tony Hale (44)
Trey Anastasio (50)
Eric Stoltz (53)
Crystal Bernard (53)
Fran Drescher (57)
Patrice Rushen (60)
Barry Williams (60)
Victoria Tennant (64)
Rula Lenska (67)
Marilyn McCoo (71)
Len Cariou (75)
Johnny Mathis (79)
Cissy Houston (81)
Angie Dickinson (83)

Pic: Tatler

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Night Crumbs

September 29, 2014 / Posted by:

In Maroon 5′s video for “Animals,” humanized used tampon Adam Levine stalks his real-life wife Behati Prinsloo and humps on a piece of meat in a slaughterhouse while thinking about doing her. Adam Levine should be fined for thinking he’s Patrick Bateman and for contaminating all that meat with his skankness. You know, an inspector from the health department should just go ahead and slap an F on that video and shut it down  - Lainey Gossip 

Have Lifetime’s Prison Wives been in prison too? Because they all look like they were in a prison yard shiv fight with Vee from Orange is the New Black and lost – Reality Tea

Laura Jeanne Poon is a complex human being who has many different shades and most of those shades are plastered as hell – Celebitchy

Emily Ratajkowski thinks she’s Kate MossDrunken Stepfather

Well, it could be worse, Lena Dunham could be paying her book tour opening acts with copies of her book – The Superficial

An 11-year-old got injured while partying at a club at 1 in the morning, and you probably didn’t even finish that sentence before you started shouting, “It has to be Florida!” – WWTDD

Aretha Franklin’s cover of “Rolling In The Deep” is an auto-tuned NO, but her Photoshopped eyebrows are a thing of exquisite beauty and have got me rolling in the deep – Towleroad

Second tier Elvira impersonator + a hooker who sort of looks like Cher = Jessie J’s look – Hollywood Tuna

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH – Jezebel

Who the hell would want to talk to Taylor Swift anyway? I’d just want to talk to Olivia BensonICYDK

Here’s Channing Tatum’s nipples, if that’s what you need today – Popsugar

Megan Fox’s face looks different and even her kid is having a “Harpo, who dis woman?” moment – Popoholic

This puppy needs walking lessons from Miss JayThe Berry

Couldn’t have happened to a shittier douche – OMG Blog

We’re living in a world where crime lab technicians who have gone to school to be crime lab technicians have to test SpaghettiO residue to see if it’s really meth – Gawker

Everyone involved in Avengers 3 decided they weren’t making enough millions so they’re splitting the movie into two – Pajiba

Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig show you how to deal with a reporter who’s pretending like he saw your movie when he didn’t – HuffPo

Um, it’s obvious that Brad Pitt and St. Angie Jolie didn’t go to George Clooney’s wedding in Venice because they knew their piping hot star power and blazing holy gloriousness would’ve sucked up all the attention  - Just Jared

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Open Post: Hosted By Bobo, The Cat Who Loves Nothing More Than Getting Vacuumed

September 29, 2014 / Posted by:

It’s still Monday so why not turn off your brain (“Um, I do that as soon as I go onto Dlisted.com, bitch” – you) and get into an 80-second-long video of a cat slipping into a cloud of purrrre ecstasy while getting vacuumed by his human. If you’re really confused while looking at that screen shot, let me guess that this isn’t what you had in mind when you landed on this page after Googling, “pussy getting sucked off hard.

While some cats would scratch open their human’s face if a vacuum got near them, Bobo has always loved getting Hoover’d. Bobo’s human said on Facebook (via Metro UK) that his love affair with vacuums started when he was a kitten and now he’s addicted to it.

When he was a little kitten (about 2-3 months old) he liked to play with the brush, his two brothers were affraid and they “dissappeared” when I started to use the vacuum cleaner (I regret that I didn’t record more videos with little Bobo…seeing him chasing brush was very funny). When Bobo was bigger I tried to use the same type of brush like in this video on his back. He was surprised and a little scared, but after 2-3 “sessions” he started to like being vacuumed. Now it’s a ritual for him.

Bobo might think he’s got his human well-trained in the art of cat massage, but I see the human as the real winner here. Because all of the cat hair that’d normally end up all over the sofa is getting sucked into that vacuum’s stomach. If Bobo poops in the toilet and thinks scratching furniture is something low-class trash does, he’s the perfect cat. Clone him!

And somewhere, Parasite Hilton’s gynecologist is watching this video while wishing that her pussy would behave like this when they vacuum the crotch critters off of it.

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Stevie Nicks Admits She Was Pregnant With Don Henley’s Baby Once

September 29, 2014 / Posted by:

A million years ago, Don Henley (Side note: Why hasn’t current day Val Kilmer played current day Don Henley in a Lifetime biopic yet?) opened his pie hole to say that the Fleetwood Mac song “Sara” is about the unborn baby he made with Stevie Nicks. Don and Stevie planned to name their kid “Sara” before she had an abortion. Stevie has never publicly talked about it, but she briefly talked about it during an interview with Billboard.

Stevie said that it’s not one of those “Rumors” and she’s not going to tell any “Sweet Little Lies”. Yes, Stevie got pregnant with a little “Songbird” when a “Landslide” of Don’s jizz filled her after he stuck his “Bare Tree” in her while doing the horizontal “Tango in the Night” in a “Room On Fire.” If Steve gave birth to a little “Gold Dust Woman,” she and Don planned on naming her “Sara.” And I’m going to stop right now before I bruise the mashed pile of “Green Manalishi” I call a brain by trying to weave “You Make Loving Fun” into this.

I notice you haven’t said which of your ex-boyfriends “Hard Advice” is about. That reminds me of a story Don Henley told years ago, about your [Fleetwood Mac] song “Sara.” He said you got pregnant while the two of you were dating, and Sara was the name you gave the unborn baby.

Had I married Don and had that baby, and had she been a girl, I would have named her Sara. But there was another woman in my life named Sara, who shortly after that became Mick’s wife, Sara Fleetwood.

So what Henley says about the song is accurate, but it’s not the entirety of the song?

Right. It’s accurate, but not the entirety of it.

In the same interview, Stevie said that she checked into Betty Ford in the 80s after a doctor told her that she’d have a brain hemorrhage if she snorted one more line of coke.

So there you go. Stevie says it’s true. But in the 1970s wasn’t everyone knocked up with Don Henley’s baby at one point or another and in the 1980s wasn’t everyone a coke line away from their brain bleeding?

Pic: Getty

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Michael Strahan Will Play A Stripper In Magic Mike XXL (UPDATE)

September 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Let’s just get this out of the way, because I’m sure it’s the only thing you really care about: no, you won’t get to see his New York Trouser Giant – BUT – there is a chance we might get to see his defensive end. Pray 4 butts, it’s all we’ve got.

So another hot-bodied hottie has been added to the cast of what will surely be Channing Tatum’s magnum opus, Magic Mike XXL; former football player and Live! with Kelly and Michael host Michael Strahan will make an appearance as a stripper. Did you hear that sound? It was the sound of a million morning TV-watching memaws and stay-at-home moms getting the vapors and fainting into a pile of folded laundry.

Michael admitted on Live! this morning that after Channing Tatum jokingly asked him to appear in Magic Mike 2, he then asked him a second time for real if he’d appear as a stripper, and he agreed. Michael also says he’ll be wearing a “kind-of a thong thing”, which means we won’t get to see any penis. But also because, duh, we’re not going to see any penis anyways because it’s a Hollywood movie. If you want penis, you’re going to have to watch the Magic Mike parody, Spellbound Sam (which I assume is something that exists).

But what Michael doesn’t realize is that he doesn’t technically ever have to show his thong-wrapped stra-ham. He can use a crotch double! And who better to stand in as his dick-double than Kelly Ripa’s erect belly button! Just have Kelly slip a g-string around stomach and shoot  it from a couple creative angles, and no one will know the difference!

And in case you want to know what Michael Strahan stripping looks like, here’s him busting out some bachelorette party moves on Live! two years ago.

Update from Michael K: Warner Bros. announced the full cast, and joining Gappy Strahan, Channing Tatum, Matt Boner, Joe ManJello, Kevin Nash, Gabriel Iglesias and Kevin Nash will be Amber Heard, Jada Pinkett Smith, Elizabeth Banks, Andie MacDowell and Donald Glover. They also spit up a synopsis.

“Magic Mike XXL” finds the remaining Kings of Tampa ready to throw in the towel. But they want to do it their way: burning down the house in one last blow-out performance in Myrtle Beach, and with legendary headliner Magic Mike sharing the spotlight with them. On the road to their final show, with whistle stops in Jacksonville and Savannah to renew old acquaintances and make new friends, Mike and the guys learn some new moves and shake off the past in surprising ways.

Um, yeah, that synopsis means nothing to me, because it doesn’t say how many pairs of bare ass cheeks they’re going to show and if they’re finally going to do things right by giving us dick shots. That’s the only thing us, desperate, hard-up whores care about.

Amanda Bynes Arrested For Driving While On Drugs (UPDATE)

September 29, 2014 / Posted by:

After mostly laying low for months and staying away from the driveways of Memaw Mushroom Queens and Party City wigs that look like they were pulled out of the gutter the day after Halloween, Amanda Bynes got arrested for allegedly driving while under the influence of drugs. Insert TyraScreamingWeWereAllRootingForYou.GIF here. Also, insert the ShockedNotShocked.GIF for the people who follow Amanda’s supposed secret Twitter account.

TMZ says that Amanda was pulled over in L.A. on Sunday morning. The only thing that TMZ knows right now is that she was taken to a nearby station at 4:10AM on a misdemeanor DUI. She was released into the wild at around noon after posting $15,000 bail.  Amanda Bynes’ quick descent into Our Lady of Cheetos circa 2008 territory started when she was arrested for DUI in 2012. And now here we are again.

I’m sure TMZ will throw up Amanda Bynes’ latest mug shot of beauty any second now and if she’s wearing a crooked wig that looks like it was made with Benji’s mangy ass hair and she’s looking at the camera like, “Camera, you’re ugly,” then everyone in the L.A. area needs to hide their bongs, hide Drake’s dick and immediately build a safety fence around their driveway.

UPDATE: TMZ’s source says Amanda was high on the good shit while driving. Their source says that Amanda was doing okay until the conservatorship she was under ended this month and she moved out of her parents’ house and into her own place in Orange County. Busted Wig Amanda started peeking out again as soon and she got some of that reefer in her. Cue Amanda’s mom screaming, “REEFER MADNESS,” again. TMZ also says that Amanda is still on probation so she could face a bigger punishment if a judge feels she violated her probation. Please. Amanda got arrested in L.A. and she’s still kind of a celebrity, so nothing’s going to happen to her. The judge will sentence to her to 2 days without Starbucks and that’s it. That’s if the judge doesn’t leave the court room in tears after Amanda calls them ugly.

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