Archives: September 2014

Tom Hiddleston Got A Job In The Next King Kong Movie

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

A million crazy fanboys and girls are like “I would do anythang to be that monkey.” Are they called Hiddle-stans? They should be.

According to Deadline, hunky British imp Tom Hiddleston has been cast as the star of the upcoming King King reboot/remake/prequel/sequel/whatever the hell they’re calling it Skull Island. I’m sure you’re thinking “Didn’t I just watch a King Kong reboot?“, and yes, you did. In case your brain has permanently erased the last King Kong reboot from your memory (I don’t blame it, that shit was looooooong), King Kong happened in 2005, was directed by Peter Jackson, starred the hot busted-nosed pimp Adrien Brody, and it took place on both Skull Island (King Kong’s home base) and Asshole Island (aka Manhattan). But this King Kong remake will be totally different, I promise! Skull Island takes place ONLY on Skull Island. See? TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

Also it’s being directed by Jordan Vogt-Roberts, who sort of looks like the skinny hipster version of Peter Jackson, and stars the Internet’s side-piece Tom Hiddleston. Again, this is a very different movie, because Adrien’s nose looks like it’s been broken 4,287 times, and Tom’s nose looks like it’s only been broken once.

Skull Island comes out on November 4th 2016 – yes, MORE THAN TWO YEARS FROM NOW. I guess they want to get the Hiddle-stans all fired up long before then. Not cool, guys! You know how King Kong goes totally mental when they take him from Skull Island to New York? That will be the internet sometime around December 2015! You can’t make the Hiddle-stans wait so long! For the sake of the producers, I hope another Avengers movie comes out between now and Skull Island, otherwise the Hiddle-stans will form a rat-king and climb to the top of the Empire State Building clutching Jordan Vogt-Roberts and demanding he work faster, goddamn it! The Hiddle-stans don’t play.

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Taylor Swift Took Her Cat For A Little Walk Because She’s Taylor Swift

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

If in her hands, she was also holding a baby pink cotton lunch bag full of the heart-shaped raspberry and pastel yellow marzipan tarts she baked in her mint-colored 1950s oven and a couple of restraining orders from ex-boyfriends, this would be the Swiftiest picture ever.

It seems like every single day, Taylor Swift’s Vintage Barbie-looking ass is always taking a stroll in front of the paps from the front door of her Manhattan apartment building to an SUV. When you’ve seen one set of pictures of Tay Tay dressed like Ann Taylor’s answer to Betty Draper or a pre-Goth panda Jenny Humphrey from Gossip Girl, you’ve seen them all. Taylor knows this, so during yesterday’s choreographed and staged photo-op stroll, she brought along an adorable guest star: her pussy Olivia Benson! Olivia Benson looks so confused and something tells me that isn’t the first time a pussy has been perplexed by something Taylor’s hand is doing. (That “joke” that just soared over your head was supposed to be a fap joke. The 10 gallons of coffee I inhaled obviously haven’t yet hit the pile of mashed neurons I call a brain.)

Watching a person hold a cat friend like it’s a dog friend is like watching a power bottom get boned by two 10 inch peens in a porn. It seems complicated, almost impossible and you assume that a lot of drugs were involved.

My mom has a cat who lets ANYONE (even strangers) hold him like he’s a dog. But that cat also loves chips and El Pollo Loco, so he’s a freak of nature. Olivia Benson and my mom’s cat must be cut from the same bizarre cloth. I am disappointed, though. While going through these pictures, I hoped that my eyes would land on a picture of Olivia Benson tearing Tay Tay’s wannabe Cher Horowitz outfit to shreds after getting spooked by the paps. Next time, Olivia Benson. Next time.

Pics: Splash, FameFlynet

Jenny McCarthy Lost Her Wedding Ring When She Was Banging Mahky-Mahk’s Brother On Their Wedding Night

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

During an interview with Good Day NY (via UsWeekly) America’s slutty fart Jenny McCarthy admitted that she no longer has the hitchin’ ring Mahky-Mahk’s fire-starting tough-hangin’ brother Donnie Wahlberg slipped on her hand only 17 days ago, and it’s not because she had to pawn it to pay for her new tits. Jenny says that shortly after her pre-divorce ceremony, she took her new future ex-husband back to the hotel so she could play Singled Out with Donnie’s dick. Unfortunately the 2-carat cubic zirconia on Jenny’s hand became an unwanted third, so she placed her wedding ring on a room service tray and they got to making greasy Wahlburgers. It wasn’t until much later that she realized that room service had mistaken her wedding ring for a piece of crumpled tinfoil (probably) and threw it away:

“I’ve already lost the ring. We were staying in a hotel and you can’t have a wedding ring on… it’s a little hard to get romantic with diamonds on your hand. I removed it and put it on the room service table and they came and turned down the room and the ring was gone… But you know what though? If you’re gonna lose your wedding ring, you should lose it that way.”

Yeah, that ring wasn’t “accidentally” taken by room service; it wasn’t taken by anyone. That ring left on its own! Jenny’s wedding ring realized it was going to spend the next 3 months (or however long their marriage lasts) two feet away from Jenny’s shit-spewing talk hole, so it decided to make a break for it when it saw that it had a chance.

And can you blame it? It probably spent most of its childhood dreaming of the day it would be placed on the opulent finger of an exquisite beauty, like Angelyne or Bruce Jenner. Then when its time comes to be pulled out of a velvet box, it gets slid onto the greasy finger of a piece of obnoxious vaccination-denying rubber-titted trash. How repulsive!

But what do we have here? It’s Jenny McCarthy walking around New York yesterday and – MIRACLE OF MIRACLES – it looks like Jenny found her long-lost wedding rings! Or she’s a liar and she never lost them in the first place. Yeah, that one.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

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Beyoncé’s Assistant Still Doesn’t Know How To Photoshop Thighs Properly (UPDATE)

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

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Beyoncé really needs to book Basement Baby into an 8-week intensive night school class at the Adult Learning Annex, because this shit is getting ridiculous. Bey recently released some pictures of her celebrating her 33rd birth-bey (you know she calls it that) on a yacht in the South of France, but it looks like she had more important shit to do, like planning out her next publicity-humping long-term stunt with Jay Camel, because she clearly didn’t go over proofs with a fine-toothed wig comb. If she had, maybe she would have caught Basement’s sloppy ‘shop job on her thigh gap in this bikini pic before they went up. This isn’t the first time Beyoncé has ordered one of her minions to fuck around with her thighs, but it’s definitely the most obvious. Like Miss Cleo says: THE CARDS DON’T LIE!

Of course, I’m sure there are literally dozens of near-sighted BumbleBeys who are screaming at their screens: “You HAG! HOW DARE YOU? That’s 100% all-natural Beyoncé! You r just jealous u don’t have a gorgeous body.” No, you’re totally right. I’m just jealous. I’m also totally jealous that Bey’s yacht has a set of wacky Fun House stairs:

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I know Yawn-ce is trying to convince us she could drive a semi truck through her thighs without either side touching, but we all know her thigh gap is as bogus as her singing. Especially when she’s standing in front of something like stairs. Stairs are the snitches of Photoshop; they’ll rat you out every time. If Bey is still so dead set on using the lasso tool to remove half of her leg meat, she needs to start planning her backgrounds better. Maybe find a busy pattern that will distract from all the messy bending and warping, like a paisley. Or just start taking all your pictures in front of a green screen in a motion-capture suit and add in a pair of hot dogs later. There, problem solved!

UPDATE: The Daily Mail has pointed out that Bey-wonk-say has swatted back at the haters by posting this picture to Tumblr of her working a less-wonky thigh gap. Good work on choosing a busy background, Bey-wonks! I barely notice that the left leg of your shorts is mysteriously tighter than the right!

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Pics: Tumblr

Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

The memaw in a rocking chair who screamed “YEW STINKUH! in the David E. Kelley logo that played after every episode of Ally McBeal, The Practice, Boston Public and all of his other shows.

While writing about the Dancing Twins from Ally McBeal the other day, I remembered the grandma in the rocking chair who got knocked the hell out by the David E. Kelley logo after every episode. That shit was blatant memaw abuse! It’s like the prequel to the Life Alert commercial. That logo better have run its ass out of there and stowaway’d on a ship heading out of the country or joined the Abuelita Protection Program, because you know once that grandma pulled herself out of that chair, she put on all her rings, pulled off her shoe, got her switch (Adrian Peterson’s sensei, is that you?) and went after that brat ass logo.

But seriously, this is probably a posthumous HSOTD, because according to an article from The Baltimore Sun published in 1998, the grandma in the logo was David E. Kelley’s actual grandma Mildred. Mildred was 97 in 1998. David lived with Granny Mildred when he was in law school and “YEW STINKUH!” was one of her favorite phrases to say.

So Granny Mildred is in heaven, screaming “YEW STINKUH!” at the brat angels who interrupt her TV time.

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Birthday Sluts

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Cassandra “Elvira” Peterson (63)
Wade Robson (32)
Constantine Mouralis (39)
Bobby Lee (42)
Nate Berkus (43)
Keith Flint (45)
Matthew Settle (45)
Anastacia (46)
Malik Yoba (47)
Doug E. Fresh (48)
Bryan Singer (49)
Kyle Chandler (49)
Amy Roloff (51)
James Urbaniak (51)
Baz Luhrmann (52)
Dustin Nguyen (52)
BeBe Winans (52)
Kevin Clash (54)
Rita Rudner (61)

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A Source Tells CNN That Joan Rivers’ ENT Doctor Snapped A Selfie With Her During Her Throat Procedure

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Just when I was beginning to think that uncouth pieces of trash have taken the selfie situation too far by taking selfies with dead bodies in caskets at funerals, they outdo themselves by taking selfies with knocked out patients getting a procedure done. CNN says that a staff member at the Yorkville Endoscopy Clinic in Manhattan, where Joan Rivers had her endoscopy done, told investigators that her own ENT doctor busted in during the procedure to take a selfie with her while she was unconscious and he later did an unauthorized biopsy. Go ahead and add, “I promise not to take a selfie with my unconscious patient,” to the Hippocratic Oath.

CNN says that Dr. Lawrence Cohen, the medical director at Yorkville Endoscopy, did Joan’s throat procedure and during it, her ear, nose and throat doctor, who hasn’t been named, came into the procedure room and took a selfie with her while she was under anesthesia. When Dr. Cohen finished up, the ENT doctor did a biopsy without getting Joan’s permission first. Investigators believe that Joan’s vocal cords swelled up during the biopsy and she went into cardiac arrest after oxygen to her lungs got cut off. The ENT wasn’t certified by the clinic and that’s apparently required by law.

Yorkville Endoscopy spit out a stream of denials when the biopsy reports came out and said that they don’t do vocal cord biopsies at their clinic. The clinic later confirmed that Dr. Cohen was no longer medical director. CNN’s source says that investigators haven’t accused Dr. Cohen or the ENT doctor of doing anything wrong, yet.

Joan Rivers might think it’s funny that her messy ENT doctor took a selfie while she was under, but she probably wouldn’t think it was funny that he took a selfie with her while she had a camera down her throat, wasn’t wearing her jewels, was probably SANS FARDS and had on a plain, homely ass hospital gown. How dreadful. But I’m sure she’s up in heaven, cackling over the thought of Melissa Rivers suing the shit out of those doctors.

And expect that selfie to end up on the cover of The National Enquirer in 3…..2…

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Beyonce, Please Sashay Away

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

During one of the last shows of her and Jay-Z’s Stunt Queen Spectacular World Tour in Paris, Beyonce dropped her mic and kind of sort of forgot to keep lip-synching. If this was a lip-synch for your life, bitch would’ve committed lip-synch suicide. I’m sure the BumbleBeys will scream and say that she’s singing with a backing track and it’s impossible for her to sing all out, because the ears of us mere mortals cannot take her all-powerful nightingale angel voice. But I know what’s really going on here. Not only is Beyonce a master performer, a master singer, a master actress (HA), a master mother, a master wig wearer, a master credit taker, a master copy + paster, a master stunt artiste and a master (insert everything I missed here which is a million miles long since she’s a master at everything), but she’s also a master ventriloquist. Beyonce can sing out in her full singing voice without moving her lips. She does this so she can bless her BumbleBeys in the front row with her holy smile. Beyonce is THAT talented. I bet Miss Ohio is her coach.

I had to put the video behind the cut, because it embeds all wonky on the main page. Blame the Illuminati.

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Night Crumbs

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

George Clooney will get the Cecil B. DeMille Award at the Golden Globes next year, because they want him to show up and they also want to honor all the contributions he’s made over the years to the awards season escort industry. I’m okay with this as long as the cast of The Facts of Life (aka the women who are responsible for his entire career) present that award to him – Lainey Gossip

Why do I keep waiting for Arnold Schwarzenegger as Dutch from Predator to tackle  Khlozilla from behind? – Celebitchy

I’ve gazed into Courtney Stodden’s future and someone needs to hold me now, because I’m scared – WWTDD

The next season of Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never-Wases will be Mop Head-less – Reality Tea

Demi Lovato’s in a bikini – The Superficial

Abbey Clancy’s chichis must’ve had a hell of a fight. The right one wants nothing to do with the left one and is giving it the cold shoulder. Yes, Abbey Clancy’s chichis have shoulders – Drunken Stepfather

Colin Kapernick’s hot Huckleberry Hound-looking ass lifts his top for V MagazineTowleroad

Leonardo DiCatchAHo was named the UN’s Messenger of Peace and that title goes really well with his Messenger of Peen title from the modeling industry – Gawker

In Jennifer Lawrence’s new Dior ads, she’s giving Rachel Maddow after a wind storm – Popoholic

Miley Cyrus really knows how to dress for ATV riding – Hollywood Tuna

Rita Whora’s ensemble would’ve been elevated to new levels of sophistication if she wore her Teen Cunt t-shirt over it – Egotastic

Jennifer Lawrence wore a Roald Dahl quote on her body – Popsugar

Gwen Stefani is always carrying a tiny blond baby around. Always. – ICYDK

Here’s the ridiculous L.A. mansion (which you might’ve seen on Million Dollar Listing) that Beyonce and Jay-Z are renting – The Berry

Drew Barrymore went brown – HuffPo

For why is Jessica Simpson wearing construction netting as a skirt? – Just Jared

If The League ever gets canceled, Paul Scheer can always plop a blond wig on his head and be a Real Housewife of Orange County and he’d be the most feminine looking one of the group – SOW

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