I didn’t know the #ROBSTENISUNBROKEN truthers were still a thing until CNN reported this morning that there’s another huge crack in the ozone layer from the high-pitched hot cries of woeful pain that the Robsten fangirls let out when seeing these pictures of Robert Pattinson holding hands with a trick who isn’t Kristen Stewart. They still will not believe. #ROBSTENISUNBROKEN will never become #ROBSTENISBROKEN. They will not let themselves believe that Rob is licking another trick’s armpit.
The former keeper of the Unicorn Forest, 28-yearold RPattz, has been dating 26-year-old British singer-songwriter FKA Twigs (born name: Tahliah Barnett) for a few weeks now and they’ve been papped hanging out in NYC. But just like I refuse to believe that Beverly Hills Teens got canceled and isn’t just on a really, really long hiatus, the Robsten fandom (yes, a little piece of my already dead soul dies more whenever I type “Robsten fandom”) refuses to believe that Robsten is out and SonWigs is in. But the hard truth stabbed them all in the hearts over the weekend when Instagram user shia_da posted pictures of RPattz and FKA Twigs holding hands while strolling on the beach in Venice, CA.
For those of you going “WHO????“, that would be Johnny Depp’s thirsty gold digging fiance, remember? I know, it’s been a while. So the sequel to The Fappening happened this weekend, but just like everything in Hollywood, that shit was split into two parts for maximum exposure. The first part happened on Saturday morning, when that sneaky cloud hacker released a new batch of stolen nipple pics, including ones belonging to Kim Kardashian, Gabrielle Union, Hope Solo, and more pics of Jennifer Lawrence.
Then part two happened on Sunday morning, when the same cloud hacker (or a secret underground ring of basement-dwelling cloud-hacking chronic masturbators) released nipple pics of Rihanna (THE AUDACITY!) and Johnny Depp’s fiance Amber Heard. According to TMZ, the hackers released over 50 topless pictures of Amber Heard to 4chan and Reddit, and they say it may be the biggest invasion of privacy since JLaw and Kate Upton were hacked a month ago.
No word on whether or not there are any pics of her rubbing on Johnny Depps’s dirty hobo pirate peen (I hope not), but TMZ says there is one picture of her holding up a sign that’s clearly a message to Johnny, since she refers to him as “Tonto”. Or maybe she was trying to send a message to Jay Silverheels up in Heaven?
This Fappening 2 mess is infuriating on so many levels (still no dick pics), but the thing I have the most trouble understanding is how the hackers are still able to steal shit from the cloud. Wasn’t the FBI supposed to put a padlock on the cloud? How in the FUCK are the hackers getting into the cloud? Are they working with the Care Bears? That’s gotta be it! I bet that prudish lesson-teaching bitch Grams Bear is behind all this!
If you’re like me and listen to The Howard Stern Show three times a week (Correction: More like three times a month since those bitches are always off. I blame America’s Got Talent.), then your ear holes were semi-regularly filled with the grouchiness that came out of Eric the Actor’s mouth. Well, my ear holes are frowning today, because they will no longer be touched by the sound of Eric The Actor yelling at Howard. Eric The Actor (government name: Eric Lynch) died on Saturday in Sacramento, CA at the age of 39.
Eric The Actor’s manager, Johnny Frato, told TMZ yesterday that he started having heart problems on Saturday and paramedics were called. Eric’s organs gave out and he died at the hospital. Johnny says that he was surrounded by his family and friends including his caretaker Jon. While talking to Howard last week, Eric said that his parents were going to take care of him from now on since Jon was moving away.
Eric The Actor (formerly known as Eric The Midget) first called into the Stern Show over 10 years ago and he quickly became one of the most popular members of The Wack Pack. He made his television acting debut in American Dreams and was also in Fringe and In Plain Sight. On the Howard Stern Show, they’d always make fun of his ass for being a show killer. I haven’t listened to Howard today yet so I don’t know what he said about Eric’s death, but he wrote this message on his site:
“I loved Eric… I truly, truly loved him… He was the greatest. I just loved the guy. Most people in Eric’s condition would be bitter. But Eric loved life.”a
Rest in peace, Eric. You are now in heaven where Preferred Stock cologne rains from above and you’re considered a show saver (aka the Heather Locklear of heaven).
And why in the hell hasn’t Kelly Clarkson tweeted non-stop about this?!
It’s no secret that Ariana Grande Latte has a reputation of being an entitled, demanding fan-hating diva bitch Bratz doll in 20lbs of fake hair and a store-bought Lolita act, but now it sounds like even the people who get paid to tolerate the budget Nick Jr. version of Mariah Carey have had enough of her spoiled sexy baby bullshit. According to Page Six, Airhead Grande Hairhead’s life coach quit because he couldn’t handle her shitty attitude anymore. An insider says he was hired to keep her “centered and healthy”, but it was impossible, since she’s exactly as awful as you’d imagine a 21-year-old come-to-life Bratz doll would be:
“He just couldn’t take it anymore,” says the insider. “Everything people are saying about her is true.”
Of course, a source close to Airhead claims that the “life coach” who quit was never actually her life coach, but a choreographer who is just mad he got fired by the wigged one:
“It is nothing but a spiteful former employee that has been telling rumors around town for the last several months.”
If the “life coach” is actually a choreographer who got fired, I wonder what he got canned for? I bet he tried to take a picture of the right side of Ariana’s face. Or maybe he made the mistake of reminding her that she’s an adult woman. “Excuse me?? I’m a VERY sexy baby! YOU’RE FIRED!”
But in the event he was actually her life coach, it’s ok that he quit. The only life coach Ariana needs is her manager, Scooter Braun! I mean, look how well Justin Bieber has turned out? He could practically teach an Oprah’s master class on being a spoiled arrogant toddler!
Here’s Frankie Grande’s mega mega pop superstar sister serving up some not-right Toddlers & Tiaras realness at the Power 106 All-Star Celebrity Basketball Game yesterday. Do you ever get the feeling that Ariana Grande is just part of a long con being pulled by Chris Hansen to catch predators? I feel like at any moment, he’s going to walk on stage and ask everyone to have a take a seat.
And on this week’s episode of; Guys Who Fuck Things From Their Garden, we meet Kevin – drewbai
I don’t know, Lance’s wayward testicle says its clean but I don’t think it’s being honest . . . – Maejones
via Metro UK
Charlo Greene, the local news reporter from Alaska who really wants to be the Inetta the Moodsetta of 2014!
After reporting about the Alaskan Cannabis Club during KTVA-TV’s 10 p.m. newscast last night, reporter Charlo Green knocked the bongs off of everyone’s mouths and dropped a double bomb when she announced her support for the weed legalization movement in Alaska and revealed herself as the owner of the Alaskan Cannabis Club. DUN DUN DUN. Charlo told viewers that she will be dedicating all her time and energy to fighting the good shit fight in Alaska and then she channeled the forever queen of resignations, Inetta the Moodsetta, by quitting her job with these words: “And as for this job, well, not that I have a choice. But, fuck it, I quit.” Fun Fact: Those are the EXACT words that Sarah Palin wrote on her resignation letter when she quit her job as governor.
Charlo Greene (Her last name is GREENE, the people watching KTVA at 10pm on Sunday night should’ve seen this TWIST coming) tells the Alaskan Dispatch News that she decided to quit her job in an ultra dramatic way, because she wants to give her cause national media attention:
“Because I wanted to draw attention to this issue. And the issue is medical marijuana. Ballot Measure 2 is a way to make medical marijuana real … most patients didn’t know the state didn’t set up the framework to get patients their medicine. If I offended anyone, I apologize, but I’m not sorry for the choice that I made.”
KTLA apologized for the fuck bomb in this statement:
“We sincerely apologize for the inappropriate language used by a KTVA reporter during her live presentation on the air tonight. The employee has been terminated.”
Whoever wrote that statement obviously got into the stash that Charlo hid in the bottom drawer of her desk, because they can’t fire her. SHE QUIT, you dumbasses!
This is almost better than Inetta’s iconic I QUIT THIS BITCH moment. When Inetta quit that bitch, I could feel papers in the HR department fly off of desks. But Charlo Greene is still an Alaskan hero, because she did what most of us have wanted to do at least once in our lives and she quit her job in the name of medical grade weed. This would’ve been perfect if she pulled off her tiny mic and dropped it at the very end.
And the anchor’s “The hell just happened?” face says it all. Bitch went out in a blaze and I mean that in more ways than one
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Even though they’re usually designed to look like a less-fun adult Disney World (Moving walkways! Souvenir stands! A futuristic photobooth that can see thought your clothes and take a picture of your junk!), there’s nothing magical about the airport. It’s boring as shit! There’s nothing to do besides getting drunk on $19 beers and eating stale plates of $30 nachos at Chili’s Too. But it looks like Zoe Saldana found a way to kill time before her flight that didn’t involve stepping foot inside that airport hellhole. Zoe posted a video to Instagram of her and her hot Fabio-haired hipster husband Marco Perego trying to bust a stripper move inside one of the people movers at the Washington Dulles airport with the caption:
“Let’s do that again!!! Absolute boredom at #Dulles airport. #poledancing is difficult under these conditions Hahahaha”
I know Zoe is pregnant with two babies, but that’s no excuse for such busted sloppy moves! Good lord Zoe, what was that even? She looks like me every time someone dares my clumsy ass to slide down a fireman’s pole (not a euphemism). Fetus fever is no excuse for not bringing your top-shelf slut game! I’ve known strippers in their third trimester who could still whip around like total pros. The trick is to use your hands to protect your womb (safety first!) while you grip the pole with your coochie lips. Don’t they teach this shit in childbirth classes?
(via E! News)
Every time I hear about former Fugees member Lauryn Hill taking a giant messy life shit, all I can think of is Sister Mary Clarence giving her a ‘good god girl, get your shit together’ face. According to The Independent, it all started when Lauryn Hill pulled a Lauryn Hill by showing up to her 8:30pm show at the O2 Brixton Academy last night an hour and a half late. DUH! It takes time to look like an Amish Project Runway Diana Ross.
Sensing that the crowd was starting to get impatient waiting for the elusive tax-paying chanteuse to arrive, Lauryn’s warm-up DJ Tieks decided to hype up the crowd by asking if any of them were from the West Coast…of America. A gesture that made no goddamned sense to the UK audience:
So the sequel to The Fappening happened yesterday (The Fappening 2: Electric Lube-aloo), and included on the list of celebrities who’s titty pics were leaked was Isis from Bring It On, aka Gabrielle Union. And just like you can sort of tell in this picture above, Gabrielle wasn’t here for that shit. Instead of pulling a Shaggy like Ariana Grande and Victoria Justice did and claiming “IT WASN’T ME” in the stolen nipple pics, TMZ says that Gabrielle has told her legal team to call up the FBI. Gabrielle also decided to publicly address the situation by releasing a joint statement with her husband Dwayne Wade, in which they slap at the pic-hacking asshole responsible and offer support to everyone else who found pics of their parts online yesterday:
“It has come to our attention that our private moments, that were shared and deleted solely between my husband and myself, have been leaked by some vultures. I can’t help but to be reminded that since the dawn of time women and children, specifically women of color, have been victimized, and the power over their own bodies taken from them. These atrocities against women and children continue worldwide. For anyone out there also being affected by these and other hacking and hate crimes – We send our love, support and prayers. We have done nothing wrong.”
Meanwhile, Kim Kardashian is putting together a gift basket filled with Hooker’s Choice Diskount Spray Tanner and Executive TRAMP-brand too-tight stripper skirts as a way to say thanks for cutting out the middle man (Pimp Mama Kris) and saving her some time.
It sounds like already there are already people who need Gabrielle and Dwayne’s love and support; TMZ says that early this morning, hacked pictures of Rihanna made their way onto the internet. How DARE that hacker! THE AUDACITY! There are plenty of pictures of Princess Ooh-Na-Na’s nipples on the internet; they didn’t have to start stealing from her personal stash! That’s dark-sided! Rihanna is kind enough to share pictures of her intergalactic fuck parts, but you have to ask first! “Please Princess RiRi, may I see your beautiful Barbadian booby balls?” Only RiRi should get to decide who sees her outer space nipple pellets!