Archives: September 2014

Open Post: Hosted By Jenny From The Block Visiting Her Old Block

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Being the sheer definition of humble that she is, JLo went back to the Bronx today to remember the time long before she was Jenny from the Blocks (Blocks as in plural, because her multi-million dollar estate since on at least 3 blocks). JLo and her sister Lynda Lopez paid a private and intimate visit to the house they grew up in while the paps she called documented the whole thing. While dressed down for the regulars in $1,200 heels, $1,800 tailor-made jeans, a $900 shirt and $10,000 sunglasses made of actual gold, JLo took selfies in front of the house and met the current owner. JLo truly held back this time. Because I thought that every time the Queen of the Bronx returned to her original kingdom, she greeted the people by throwing hundred dollar bills at them while being carried on a gold throne by gold-painted topless dudes.

And since a jean jacket with jeans is a Canadian tuxedo, what the hell is this? A Canadian business suit?

Pics: Splash

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The Texas T-Rex Is Not Going To Be In Magic Mike 2

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

In Not Alright, Not Alright, Not Alright news, the director of Magic Mike XXL, Greg Jacobs, tells The Playlist that when the sequel comes out next year, Matthew McConaughey’s oiled-up, self-tanner-covered nips won’t be in it. Greg says that of course Channing Tatum is coming back as Mike since he helped write the thing and he’ll be joined by Matt Boner, Joe ManJello and comedian Gabriel Iglesias who’s going to play a DJ. Greg says it starts shooting at the end of this month. Back in June, Gabriel Iglesias told UsWeekly that he heard the Texas T-Rex wasn’t going to be in it, because his ass is too expensive and “that whole Oscar thing, the nerve right?” So basically the Texas T-Rex is that rags to riches friend of mine who said, “Eh, there’s not really anything for me to eat there,” when I asked her if she wanted to have lunch at Chili’s. Bitch, don’t act like I haven’t seen you eat nachos made with saltines and melted Kraft singles before.

Since we’re on the subject of Things Not Coming Back To Magic Mike 2, here’s two things that shouldn’t come back to Magic Mike 2:

1. Cody Horn (Side note: Cody Horn is the perfect gay porn star name). Cody Horn’s dad was President of Warner Bros. when Magic Mike, a Warner Bros. picture, was being cast. Cody Horn was a human boner killer. The only thing she did in that movie was stare into the air with her dead eyes and tell the strippers to stop stripping. When I go to see a movie about hot dude strippers, the last thing I want to see is a judgmental nag telling the hot dudes to keep their clothes on. Trick, shut your mouth!

2. Any resemblance of a plot. Besides Cody Horn, the main problem with Magic Mike was that it tried to have a plot. Who cares about missing drugs and shit? Just show us 2 hours of Matt Boner’s greased up nalgas clenching and unclenching.

Oh, and I have a third one:

3. Cody Horn. Just in case you didn’t get it the first time.

And here’s Joe ManJello in a t-shirt and Sofia Vergara leaving a restaurant in West Hollywood after having breakfast today.

Pics: FameFlynet, Splash

Sherri Shepherd’s Ex Won’t Stop Talking About The Surrogate Baby She “Abandoned”

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Lamar Sally, the shameless gold-digging grifter who’s currently trying to scam child support money out of Sherri Shepherd for a surrogate baby he helped make solely for the purpose of trying to scam child support money, gave an EXCLUSIVE interview to People (aka People found him loitering in the parking lot and felt sorry for him) regarding said baby and his relationship with the baby’s mother. No, not his surrogate mother, his REAL MOTHER – the one who wants nothing to do with him!

Lamar told People that ever since lil’ Lamar Sally Jr. (I guess Son of Useless Shitbag was already taken?) was born via-surrogate on August 5th, his estranged wife hasn’t made an attempt to meet her son. You know, the son she believes was conceived as an excuse for Lamar to take an 18-year-long all-expenses-paid life vacation. Even though Lamar Jr. wasn’t made using Sherri’s eggs and Sherri has shown zero interest in him, Lamar Sr. claims he’s fighting to add Sherri’s name to the baby’s birth certificate because he truly believes Lamar Jr. needs to know who his mommy is:

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Prince Hot Ginge And Cressida Boners Might’ve Gotten Back Together

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

If animal control gets a call about a mangled, chewed-up worm wandering the streets of Southern California somewhere, can they please lure it over to them by waving a peen picture at it and then drop it in an envelope and mail it to me? That’s my b-hole. It jumped off of my ass after I read the words “PRINCE HARRY” and “SEX TAPE” in the same headline.

Shifty headline writers toyed with my emotions this morning when they wrote that Prince Hot Ginge and his on-and-off again piece Cressida Bonas enjoyed a sex tape together. The bad news is that PHG didn’t make a sex tape (as far as we know). The good news is that our down low parts are safe, because they’re not going to explode as we watch PHG hump on Cressida Boners while wearing a scrunchie cock ring. PHG and Cressida only went to see the movie Sex Tape together. The Sun (via The Telegraph) says that PHG and Toyota Cressida recently sat together in a darkened theater while watching Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel bone. PHG left in a car driven by his security team and Cressida left in a taxi. A source says that the night before, Cressida was at PHG’s 30th birthday party.

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Amal Alamuddin’s Parents Will Foot The Bill For Her And George Clooney’s Wedding

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Even though George Clooney has enough money to fly to Uranus, buy 4 aliens, bring them back to Earth, fill a 24-karat gold Olympic-sized swimming pool with Dom Perignon, and challenge them to a relay race against 3 rare white tigers and Michael Phelps every week for the rest of his life (that’s the kind of crazy shit rich-as-fuck people do, right?), Us Weekly says he won’t be spending a dime on his wedding to Amal Alamuddin.

A source claims that Amal’s family is keeping shit traditional and will pay for most of George Clooney’s Italian Wedding Showbiz Spectacular when it happens later this month, although according to Gossip Cop, that source is a lie-teller and George is paying for the whole thing. Regardless, I like to think Amal’s parents offered to pay because they truly believe their daughter is marrying just some sitcom actor. “It’s okay George, we’ve got this; we know you haven’t done much since Roseanne.

This reminds me of a wedding I went to where the groom’s family agreed to pay for an open bar if the bride’s family paid for everything else. Cut to the reception where everyone is drinking champagne flutes filled with sparkling air because those cheap bastards spent a total of $50 of booze. Like, 2 cases of beer, a bottle of off-brand “vodka-style” alcohol, and a box of wine. It was a joke! That shit was done before the second chorus of “Mony Mony.” Not to mention that the groom’s family were all a bunch of food-hungry maniacs who just destroyed the buffet. By the time my table was called, all that was left was a dry corner of lasagna and a malnourished chicken wing, because they ran out of food. It was inevitable! The bride’s family was broke and practically had to sell the damn farm in order to afford to feed everyone! And yes, this wedding took place in a community center and most of the guests wore cut-off shorts. How did you know?

So I guess what I’m saying is, I hope Clooney slips his future mother and father-in-law a couple private jets or their own island to thank them for agreeing to pay for the wedding, because you know they’re spending A LOT. The budget for Brad Pitt’s personal make-your-own sundae bar alone is probably close to $4,000 (“George! Make sure they get a case of Fritos, man!“)

Ariana Grande Latte Responds To The Diva Bitch Rumors, Uses The Word “Love” At Least 100 Times While Doing So

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Ariana Grande, the rabid Yorkie who shape-shifted into a diabolical wig with eyes, responded on Twitter yesterday to the rumors that she’s an evil demon fetus who wishes death upon her fans and is such a demanding asshole that she makes her diva idol Mimi seem like a reasonable and humble butterfly. Scooter Braun’s newest monster spilled out a Twitter stream filled with emojis, the word “love” and a quote from Rent. Ariana’s little fans (you know, the ones whose graves she wants to dance on) might think her tweets are cute and sweet and ~genuine~, but us growns know better. Ariana’s tweets are like a pentagram drawn in blood and covered with rainbow glitter and puppy stickers. They might seem fakely sweet and cute on the surface, but there’s a whole lot of dark-sidedness beneath them. The future serial killer’s tweets are after the cut, because there’s a lot of them.

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In “What Does Mayim Bialik Hate Now” News: Mayim Bialik Also Hates Frozen

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Mayim Bialik, the grown-up hat-less version of Blossom, took a break from hissing at toddler-faced jailbait-looking baby stripper Ariana Grande Latte to put some damn clothes on to take a swipe at Disney’s Frozen. But what could Blossom possibly hate about Frozen? Well, besides hearing “Let It Go” for the 4,97,246th time. Am I forgetting a scene where Elsa ditches her dress for a pair of hot pants and some hooker heels and grinds against Olaf’s carrot?

No. Apparently Blossom hates Frozen because there wasn’t enough of a Feminism message, but also there was too much male-bashing. Blossom explained on Kveller (via UsWeekly) that she HATED Frozen with the fire of a thousand burning Blossom hats for three reasons:

1. She hated that Elsa’s sister Anna’s identity was tied up in trying to land a man

2. She hated that Prince Hans turns out the be a lie-telling double-crossing scheming asshole, thus teaching little girls not to trust men

3. She hated that Elsa and Anna looked like dolls

Damn, she got all that from a children’s movie about a chick who makes snow with her hands? I guess that’s why she has a PhD and I have a fake diploma printed on the back of a menu from a college-themed restaurant called Pasta Academy (I majored in deliciousness with a minor in all-you-can-eat breadsticks).

I sort of get what she’s saying. Yes, Elsa and Anna look like they were conceived during a messy night at the Mattel factory between a skinny piece of plastic and a giant eye, and yes, Anna wants a ring on her goddamn finger ASAP so she can live happily ever after. But that’s because this is a Disney movie! Complaining about that is like walking into John Travolta’s wiglet closet (it’s a big closet) and getting pissed that it’s filled with fake hair.

But was it really male-bashing to make Prince Hans an asshole? Aren’t most Princes massive pricks? (“HOW DARE YOU” – Michael K, clutching a framed picture of Prince Hot Ginge).

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¡¡Escándalo!! Miley Cyrus Could Go To Jail For Disrespecting The Mexican Flag

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Mexico might (read: probably not) do what other countries should’ve done a long time ago: Throw Miley Cyrus in jail!

During a show in Monterrey, Mexico on Tuesday night (which was Mexican Independence Day), Miley put on a ridiculous fake ass (in her defense, it looks more natural than Kim Kartrashian’s ass) and as she twerked for the audience, one of her dancers spanked her with the Mexican flag. To quote my abuelita when she’s in the company of children, “COCHINA!” To also quote my abuelita when she’s not in the company of children, “Pinche pendeja!” The Mexican flag butt whipping starts at around the 2:20 mark in the video below and to those who have said that Miley needs a serious ass whoopin, I don’t think this is what you had in mind:

The Mexican government is serious about their flag, so they’re not happy about this. There’s a law in Mehico stating that any trick who disrespects their flag may be fined or jailed. (I may or may not typed that sentence while wearing an ass-less Mexican flag Speedo.) Reuters says that the Nuevo Leon state legislature is coming after Miley and wants to spank her fake ass with either jail time or a fine. The stage legislature approved a warrant for Interior Ministry to enforce the flag law on Miley. Miley or her people could be fined up to $1,200 or they could be jailed for 36 hours. In 2008, Paulina Rubio was fined after she posed with the Mexican flag over her naked body.

Screw the fine, jail that hillbilly piece of basuda! If you’re thinking to yourself that Miley’s dancer should face punishment since he’s the one who spanked her with the flag, then you need to blow the cum dust out of your contacts, because that’s not what I’m seeing. Miley is OBVIOUSLY “twerking” into that flag, so she’s the one who committed the crime (just go with it). At the very least, Mexican officials should unleash Mexican novella queen Soraya Montenegro on Miley. In this GIF the role of Soraya Montenegro will be played by Soraya Montenegro and the role of Miley will be played by that girl in the wheelchair (Side note: Soraya IS Kanye’s hero):

mileymexicanflag

LAAAAAAAAAAAAARGATE de aqui, Miley!

Pic: Instagram GIF: Blogspot

Ben Affleck Admits To Details That Yeah, He Counts Cards, So What?

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

The Rainmaker” – I bet that’s his nickname at strip clubs.

Ben Affleck, seen here looking sort of like an off-brand hybrid of Ryan Reynolds and George Clooney, spoke to Details magazine with director David Fincher about their upcoming film Gone Girl, and I guess there’s only so many times you can ask “So…does he actually kill his wife or what?“, because the conversation turned to that time the douchey half of Bennifer got kicked out of the Hard Rock Casino for counting cards at a blackjack table. And that the time he got kicked out of a Canadian casino for counting cards at a blackjack table. And basically all the other times he got caught gambling dirty.

But Ben Affleck doesn’t give a shit that he’s built up a reputation in the gaming community as the smug rich guy version of Raymond Babbitt. In fact, he’s pretty proud that he’s gotten so good at knowing when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em that casinos don’t want him hanging around because they know he’ll clean their asses out. Ben Affleck IS Kenny Rogers’ The Gambler!

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