Archives: September 2014

Martin Lawrence Finally Photographed Together (Sort Of)

September 20, 2014 / Posted by:

I know, somebody should really come up with a different couple name for these two hos, because every time I see “Martin Lawrence,” I get really confused when my eyes land on a picture of a white girl with Taylor Swift hair. I think to myself, “Did Sheneneh bleach her skin?” So yeah, they need a new couple name so the confusion can stop! Maybe JenRis? Or JMart? Or LaMart? Or La Wart? La Wart it definitely is!

Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin have reportedly been doing it for a few weeks now and even though they’ve been together in public places, there’s zero pictures of them together. No grainy cell phone pictures. No slick pictures that a tricky trick took of themselves in the foreground and La Wart in the background. None of that. But at last night’s iHeart Radio music festival at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin ended up in the same frame. We’re getting closer to the truth!

People says that JLaw was at Coldplay’s rehearsal and sang along. During their set at the iFart Radio music festival, she stood on the side and went to his dressing room afterward. Because you won’t believe it until you hear it from an anonymous source, here’s an anonymous source repeating what I just wrote in the sentence before this one:

“She was off to the side of the stage when he performed. After his set, she snuck back into his dressing room.”

JLaw’s PR team should leak a picture of them sucking on each other’s mouths already. Because all we’ve got are stories of her going to Coldplay shows and singing along to every song, and a picture of her backstage with Chris Martin in the background. At this point, Jennifer Lawrence is coming off as Coldplay’s #1 fan and a Chris Martin groupie stalker. I won’t judge JLaw for knowing the words to every Coldplay song (yes, I will), but I will never be able to look at her if it came out that she’s a Chris Martin groupie stalker. That’s like saying that unsalted mashed cauliflower made with tap water is your favorite food ever. Even Taylor Swift would say, “Girl, love yourself more.”

Pics: Getty

Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Johnny O, the prince of freestyle!

Since Stevie B is the King of Freestyle, Johnny O might be considered the Prince of Freestyle. (Side note: You were not a freestyle singer in the 80s unless your stage name was a boy’s nickname from the 50s followed by an initial. I really missed my calling. I could’ve been Mikey K, child freestyle singer of the 80s!) Johnny O (born name: Juan Ortiz) had the looks of a butch Prince mixed with a Latino Morris Day and his singing voice sounded like a nervous baby mumbling under his breath. Johnny’s O biggest hit was 1988′s “Fantasy Girl” and every time I hear it, I think of my cousins blasting a warped copy of it on a boombox at family parties while dancing on top of chairs (aka the closest thing to a go go box) on the side driveway.

In life, there’s a million unanswered questions, but one of life’s biggest unanswered questions is, “Why isn’t there a video for Fantasy Girl on YouTube?!” The closest thing I could find is this audio of “Fantasy Girl” paired with a picture of Johnny O dressed up like a sailor in the Tom of Finland world. The intro is really, really long, because back then, you needed time to warm up your dance moves before the lyrics popped up and you could really break it down.

Wikipedia says that Johnny O lives with his family in Florida and he still performs today. In 2007, he released a Christian dance album and you probably didn’t read any of that since you’re empty inside from Johnny O swallowing your soul as you stared into his eyes in that video.

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Birthday Sluts

September 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Gunnar and Matthew Nelson (47)
Phillip Phillips (24)
Christopher Scott (31)
Jon Bernthal (38)
Asia Argento (39)
Moon Bloodgood (39)
Michelle Visage (46)
Kristen Johnston (47)
Maggie Cheung (50)
Deborah Roberts (54)
Alannah Currie (57)
Gary Cole (58)
Debbie Morgan (58)
Sophia Loren (80)
Anne Meara (85)

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Night Crumbs

September 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Ryan Gosling is “madly in love” with his one week old baby (not pictured, that’s a stand-in baby) and that’s a good thing, because it’d be really awkward if he couldn’t stand her ass – Lainey Gossip

Wonky McValtrex’s living and breathing $13,000 accessory has already mastered the “SAVE ME” face – Egotastic!

Oh, just a couple of potatoes soaking in some water together – Drunken Stepfather

NeNe Leakes is going back to Glee one last time – Reality Tea

Will LeAnn Rimes and Brandi Glanville just rage fuck already and get it over with? – Celebitchy

School officials added that they’d be totally okay if future stepmom Jennifer Lawrence brought Apple and Moses to school on a Vespa since she’s not totally a self-entitled asshole – The Superficial

Cameron Diaz without pants on in case you forgot what that looked like – WWTDD

The homophobic fake lesbian piece of trash from t.A.t.U. went on to say that she might be okay with her son kissing another dude if he was in a shitty pop group with the dude and they were only doing it for cash – New Now Next

President Obama sent Melissa Rivers a nice letter about her mother even though Joan Rivers once called Michelle Obama a tranny – Towleroad

Anne Hathaway will later say in an interview that she trained for this scene by spening 16 months in China learning Tai Chi from the masters – Popoholic

Sofia Vergara looks more like a Latina Duchess Fergie circa the 80s – Hollywood Tuna

Happy Fap Friday once again - The Berry

Oh, Buffalo, you TRIED it, but in Florida, every family calls this “a regular Saturday night” – Gawker

Lenny Kravitz struts struts struts that ass – ICYDK

THE IMPACT OF ST. ANGIE JOLIE!!!11!!!! – Jezebel

I didn’t know Katherine Heigl was a TV critic at The New York TimesPopsugar

There will be a Fashion Police without founding Captain Joan RiversHuffPo

Panty Creamer of the Day: David Gandy in his panties - Just Jared

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FINALLY, Clay Aiken’s Thoughts On The Fappening

September 19, 2014 / Posted by:

We can finally close the chapter on The Fappening now that we have future North Carolina Congessman Clay Aiken’s thoughts on it. Clay did an interview with The Washington Post (via HuffPo) about his campaign and they asked him what he thinks about Kate Upton, Jennifer Lawrence and dozens of other celebrities finding their naked pictures spread all over the Internet after they got hacked. Jennifer Lawrence won’t be getting a sympathy bouquet of carnations and balloons from Clay Aiken anytime soon, because he thinks that she and all of the other celebrities who took pictures of their nipples and coochies got exactly what they deserve.

“Anybody who takes inappropriate pictures of themselves deserves exactly what they get.”

Clay probably said that with confidence, because he just finished up yanking every pictures of his peen and spread ass cheeks off of THE CLOUD.

Clay’s definition of “inappropriate” is totally different than mine. Pictures of tits, ass and chocha aren’t “inappropriate” to me. I mean, it’s just tits, ass and chocha. Now that picture of Clay Aiken in full Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream drag is highly inappropriate to me. It still haunts my nightmares.

Since taking pictures of your half-naked body is HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE to Clay, I’m guessing he didn’t feel any sympathy for himself when a trick he allegedly tried to hook up with on the Internet sold their conversation and webcam shots of him to The National Enquirer. (Clay has always denied that this is his ass.)

clayaikenwebcam2014

Clay also told The Washington Times that the hackers deserve to be hogtied and then he swerved back into the political lane since he’s a serious politician now.

“Of course whoever [stole and released the photos] should be hogtied. And it’s unfortunate that we don’t have Internet security right now or the laws in place to protect people from pirating that stuff.”

I know what Clay is really trying to do here. When Clay opens up his email every single morning, the first thing he sees is a picture of a 40-something Claymate with her mom jeans and cotton granny panties pulled down to her knees and on her crotch is a bushy patch of pubes with his initials shaved into them. This is his way of telling them to stop.

Open Post: Hosted By The Porn Iguana’s Exercise Ball Titties

September 19, 2014 / Posted by:

That high-pitched shriek you hear could be from me still freaking out over all of the heaping amounts of elegance that scooted over my eyes in these pictures or it could be from the skin on Courtney Stodden’s chest screaming in pain while trying not to rip apart as they hold in those 200 pound sacks of melted plastic. It’s hard to tell.

Courtney Stodden and her creepy Doug Hutchison, who looks like Pennywise the Clown out of makeup, graced the World of Wonder gallery with their beauty and love in Hollywood last night. As soon as the Porn Iguana slithered in, the paintings on the walls fell to the floor and turned to dust, because they knew they could not compete with the art on Courtney’s chest. The Porn Iguana’s chichis are an architectural wonder. They look like two extra large bowling balls shoved into two tiny condoms. Iguana skin must be the toughest kind of skin since it’s able to hold those things in.

Thanks to the Porn Iguana’s “Nascar parking lot hooker whore” outfit and her terrifying geisha clown makeup, she served enough glamour and sophistication to fill that 450 mile wide gap between her tits. I haven’t seen a display of demure grace like this since I watched JLo’s video.

Pics: Splash

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An L.A. Lawyer Has Been Photoshopping Herself Into Pictures With Random Celebrities And Passing Them Off As Clients

September 19, 2014 / Posted by:

In “You should know better, you’re a goddamn lawyer” news, a Los Angeles lawyer named Svitlana Sangary is in deep legal shit this week after she got caught Photoshopping herself into pictures with an assortment of high-profile celebrities and posting them to her website in an attempt to lure in new clients. The Daily Mails says that shady bitch Svitlana Photoshopped herself rubbing elbows with more than 50 celebrities, including George Clooney, Jamie Foxx, Barbra Streisand, Donald Trump, and Leo DiCaprio. She even went so far as to Photoshop herself into a picture with President Barack Obama. And I guess she was also trying to corner the lucrative trash market, because she also Photoshopped herself into a picture with Paris Hilton and High Klass Hooker Kim. Hey, dumb assholes need legal representation too, right?

Unfortunately, it was pretty obvious the pics were fake, because several of them showed Svitlana looking like a damn life-sized cardboard cut-out. That stupid bitch forgot to use different pictures of herself! That’s when the State Bar stepped in and asked the Supreme Court to suspend her license for six months and put her on probation for three years for “deceptive advertising”, aka trying to trick people into thinking she was the A-list attorney to the STAHS!

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JLo And Iggy Azalea Go Ass-To-Ass In Their New Video

September 19, 2014 / Posted by:

What I really want is a music video that can easily be mistaken for a no-budget phone sex commercial that only played on public access in 1994” is what I’m guessing JLo told Hype Williams during their pitch meeting for this mess.

Because JLo and Iggy Azalea aren’t going to let Nicki Minaj be the only trick filling our faces with a whole lot of ASS like our name is Drake, their video for “Booty” is pretty much all booty. About three seconds into this proctologist’s dream, JLo bumps her 45-year-old ass up against Iggy Azalea’s 5-year-old pure silicone butt implants. You know JLo farted on Iggy’s ass and then rubbed it in at least once. The rest of the video is a seizure inducer and I’m expecting many straight dudes to file a lawsuit against JLo because they tore some of their dick tissue while having a seizure as they tried to jack off to this.

Here’s the entire video which shows you what you get when you mix together a $3 budget, a dirty American Apparel swimsuit, a tub of Crystal Gravy, a strobe light, a wad of chewed gum and Iggy Azalea looking like the buzz she got from the booze and pills she swallowed to get through this mess is starting to wear off.

That is the longest lip balm commercial I’ve ever seen. Since this video is for a song called BOOTY, I thought JLo was going to spread that EOS lip chap on another set of lips. I expected her to add another layer of class to this video by spreading her ass cheeks before smearing that EOS all over her b-hole lips. Hype Williams missed an opportunity. If you’re going to do product placement, do produce placement right.

Here’s Iggy in London today wearing a jacket with sleeves that look like rotten pieces of Brach’s Neapolitan Coconut Sundaes.

Pics: Wenn.com

Keanu Reeves Found A Strange Lady In His House And Acted Very Keanu Reeves-y About It

September 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Earlier this week, the human equivalent of the word “Duuuude“, Keanu Reeves, received the world’s worst wake-up call (I mean, all wake-up calls are the worst, but this one was particularly bogus) after a strange lady broke into his house at 4am while he was sleeping. TMZ says that Keanu was woken up early Monday morning when he heard sounds coming from his library. When he got up to check if his books had come to life (you know part of him did), he discovered a lady in her mid-40s sitting on a chair.

But instead of freaking out and trying to whoop a trick, Matrix-style, by throwing a bunch of books in slow-motion while screaming “WHAT IF I TOLD YOU TO GET THE FUCK OUT?!?“, Keanu calmly approached her and asked why she was in his house. She explained she was there to meet him, so he politely excused himself to another room, called 911, and she was taken away by police for a psychiatric evaluation. TMZ says that Keanu’s house is built like a fort, so it’s amazing she managed to get in at all. Unfortunately, he didn’t set his security alarm before he went to bed, and she was able to sneak in pretty easily.

Keanu was way more chill in that situation than I would be. Last week, I was woken up by a scratching sound outside by bedroom window. Immediately I started sweating profusely; I was convinced it was Leatherface or the Candyman. Knowing I was too scared to do shit, I started bargaining with Dorito Jesus to spare my life and promising that I’d never call Kim Kardashian a drowsy-faced goblin hooker ever again. Yes, I was THAT scared. Eventually I got up the nerve to grab an aluminum baseball bat and see what the noise was. Turns out it was a possum taking a shit on the porch. The possum literally shot me a look like “Bitch, is everything ok? You are a MESS!” Clearly I need a Keanu in my life to teach me how to calm the fuck down a bit.

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