Archives: September 2014

Leonardo DiCatchAHo Is Back Out On The Prowl, So Says OK! Magazine

September 30, 2014 / Posted by:

OK! Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) says that 22-year-old German Victoria’s Secret model Teri Garr (I know that’s not her name, but every time I try to type her real name my auto-correct gene automatically corrects it to Teri Garr. I cannot deny my auto-correct gene!) is no longer sucking the face piojos and cheesy dandruff puffs out of Leonardo DiCaprio’s scraggly beard as they spoon on a yacht in the South of France while forever third wheel Lukas Haas watches from a dark corner. They say that after a year and a half of bumping nipples, Teri Garr and 39-year-old Leo are no longer together. They were last papped together in NYC on September 3rd. OK! Magazine has so many details about the split that you’ll have to read the following with a quadruple-magnified magnifying glass, because there’s details hidden in the details.

The Wolf of Wall Street actor, 39, ended his relationship with model Toni Garrn, 22, after a year and a half of dating. The couple was last spotted in New York City on Sept. 3.

The split wasn’t too much of a surprise, as Garrn attended New York Fashion Week solo, while DiCaprio partied on the West Coast. But what lead to the split?

So many details! A source tells Gossip Cop that OK! is lie-telling, because ToNardo is still a thing.

I don’t know, it’s pretty believable. The world is now teetering on its axis, because George Clooney is the picture perfect portrait of a happily married monogamous man and Adam Levine is no longer ho’ing it up out in the open. Leonardo DiCatchAHo really cares about the planet and he can’t let it completely spin off its axis by staying in a relationship too long. So I wouldn’t be surprised if Leo put Teri Garr on the curb, because now that Clooney and Adam Levine are temporarily off the market he’s gotta triple up his fuck load and do all the models. Besides, Teri Garr turned 22 in July and 22 is “older than Methuselah’s balls”  in DiCatchAHo years. That’s what the DiCatchAHo calculator on Victoria’s Secret’s website says anyway.

Here’s Toni Garrn (yes, I broke at least 3 finger bones while typing that name instead of Teri Garr) at some Vogue event in Milan on September 22nd.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com, Pacific Coast News

Rosie O’Donnell And Whoopi Got Into A Fight During A Commercial Break On The View

September 30, 2014 / Posted by:

We’re only two weeks into the all-new The View, and already two of the hens are ready to peck each other’s eyes out. This may be a new record for ABC! Treat yourselves to lunch at In-N-Out today, you’ve earned it. According to the Daily Mail, come-to-life pair of casual pants Rosie O’Donnell and the no-fucks-left-to-give human CROC Whoopi Goldberg got into a nasty clucking match during a commercial break on The View that ended with Whoopi busting out several $2 swears.

Rosie was discussing how she feels about spanking your children (oh here go hell come) during Hot Topics and they started to run out of time, so producers told Whoopi to cut her off and go to commercial. Rosie would have known the segment was running long if she too had been wearing an earpiece, but a source says Rosie O’Donnell don’t do earpieces! Whoopi threw some morning talk show shade by suggesting she start wearing an earpiece if she wants to know what’s going on. Once they went to commercial, Rosie grabbed the mic they use for talking to the audience and started ripping into Whoopi for cutting her off and being a shade-slinging casual comfort cunt and saying she “hurt her feelings”.

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Of Course: Walmart Blames Tracy Morgan For His Crash Injuries

September 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Walmart has told Tracy Morgan the same thing I tell myself whenever the broken pieces of my charred soul burn a little more after I walk into a Walmart: “You brought this upon yourself, bitch!”

Tracy Morgan is suing the ‘Murican Emporium of Glamour for the crash that killed his friend Jimmy Mack and left him with serious injuries. One of Walmart’s tractor-trailers rammed into a limo bus carrying Tracy Morgan, Jimmy Mack and others on the New Jersey Turnpike last June. Tracy’s lawyer says that it’s all Walmart’s fault because Kevin Roper, the driver of the tractor-trailer, was awake for more than 24 hours before the crash and he was driving 20mph over the speed limit. But well, if you thought that Walmart’s yellow smiley face of pure evil would just spit out an “I’m sorry” before dropping a mountain of money into Tracy’s lap, then you don’t know Walmart or billion dollar American corporations.

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Amanda Bynes Was High On Adderall When She Was Arrested For DUI

September 30, 2014 / Posted by:

More details have been released concerning Amanda Bynes’ Sunday morning arrest for driving like a damn drugged-up mess. TMZ had originally stated that the ratty wig-wearing driveway fire-setting former terror of Southern California was high on the mara-juana when she got pulled over, but now they’re changing their story and saying that she was actually rolling on totally legal prescription drugs. TMZ says the influence Amanda was driving under was Adderall, something that had been prescribed by her doctor. Amanda’s DUI does violate her probation, but the fact that the drugs came from her doctor and not some shady dude named Sleazy-P in the paper towels aisle of a Walmart (not that I’d know anything about that) will help her case.

But it sounds like Adderall is the only pharmaceutical Amanda has been gobbling down; a source close to Amanda (a giant clump of pastel polyester hair) claims she’s off her anti-psychotic meds. Ruh roh. She’s also been smoking a lot of weed too (just not early Sunday morning when she was arrested). And according to Radar, all the weed and pills and guzzling grown-up go-go juice (yes she’s back to drinking) has caused Amanda to flunk out of fashion school. NOOOOO!!!! I was so looking forward to the UGLY by Amanda Bynes 2015 fall collection!

But where are Amanda’s parents? After their conservatorship ended earlier this month and she left the nest, surely they kept tabs on their crazy baby bird, right? Well, not exactly. TMZ says they haven’t really heard from her since she left for Orange County. In fact, they learned she had been arrested for a DUI this weekend from the media. They also have no idea where she is now. Hey Amanda, call your fucking parents!

So let’s see here – using the Theory of Probability, combined with Brit Brit’s Law of Unstable Crazy, we can predict what Amanda will do next. For instance, we already have [Y + (weed + adderall) x alcohol] – (anti-psychotics + parents) = DUI. All you have to do is solve the value of Y. And knowing what we know, clearly Y = more insane busted Bride of Chucky living nightmare Twitter videos. Amanda! CALL YOUR PARENTS!

That Didn’t Take Long: George Clooney And Amal Alamuddin’s Wedding Pictures Are Already Out

September 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Because the universe heard you when you thought to yourself yesterday, “I really haven’t seen or heard enough about George Clooney’s motherfucking wedding,” People, Hello!, The New York Post and Vogue all threw up pictures of Amal Alamuddin’s wedding dress today. I fully expect to see close-up pictures of the food in Food & Wine Magazine, a 35-page profile in Boating Magazine about the boat they rode in, pictures of the custom-made wedding night anal beads they used in Hustler Magazine and an interview in Dog Fancy with the stray dogs in Venice who watched the wedding through a window. It’s only just begun! And you’re probably looking at that cover of People and thinking to yourself, “Tell me more about the Property Brothers at home…

People and Hello! not only published dozens of pictures, but also a million details. Clooney wore Giorgio Armani, his cufflinks from his bride had his name in Arabic etched into them, Amal wore a custom Oscar de la Renta gown, there were 100 guests from 30 countries, the ugly cake was almost as big as Clooney’s ego, their first dance was to Cole Porter’s “Why Shouldn’t I?“, family friend Nora Sagal sang Irving Berlin’sAlways” and they got married in Italy because they met there. Amal’s mother said a few words to People about the wedding and I’m sure those words were not written by George Clooney’s PR team:

“George and Amal radiated love all night. The wedding was so unbelievably special, it was legendary. These three days – the friends, the families, the atmosphere, everything – will stay with me all the rest of my life.”

Inside Edition says that the wedding cost $13 million. Clooney and Amal got paid for the pictures, of course, and they’re donating the cash to charity.

Also, guests were all given an iPod with Clooney and Amal’s favorite songs on them. More like iBarf. Bono was a guest, so I’m guessing that the bottom of the Grand Canal in Venice is now an iPod graveyard. Because as soon as guests started up their iPods and noticed that U2′s new album was on it, they threw that shit in the water.

After the cut is a picture of AlaLooney on Hello! and Amal at her dress fitting with Oscar de la Renta. Sadly, I didn’t include any pictures of the Property Brothers at home.

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Hot Sluts Of The Day!

September 30, 2014 / Posted by:

The firefighters from the Lacey Fire Department in Lacey, Washington who rescued a family of hamsters from a fire and saved 4 of them by giving them oxygen!

Well, it looks like that soul-warming picture of a firefighter giving oxygen to a kitten has some company in the file of photos I look at whenever I want to awwww out of my skin and actually feel things.

KOMO News says that on Friday night, firefighters responded to a mobile home fire in Lacey and once they got inside, they didn’t find any humans, but they did find two grown-up hamsters named Madonna and Oreo (I. CAN. NOT.) and their three babies. The entire hamster family had passed the hell out from smoke inhalation. Firefighters carried the hamster family out of the burning home. Once they got outside, they consulted their “pet emergency pocket guide” and quickly made a make-shift oxygen mask that was tiny enough for the baby hamster faces.

Tim Hulse of the Lacey Fire Department said they were able to save 4 of the hamsters, but sadly, one of them is now running on a wheel made of clouds in heaven. Tim Hulse told Today that saving hamsters is all part of the job:

“The primary reason we were there was to put out a house fire. But we’re in the business of customer service, and any time we’re called to help people, we do the best we can to make their bad situation a little better.”

I’m going to need the Lacey Fire Department to break down my door, drag me out and give me oxygen, because I think I’m about to pass out from the awww-ness overload.

And the Lacey PD should bring Madonna and Oreo in for questioning. I mean, hamsters do eat their babies. Bring them in and put them under the tiny light!

Pic: Lacey Fire Department

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Birthday Sluts

September 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Monica Bellucci (50)
Ezra Miller (22)
T-Pain (29)
Keisha Buchanan (30)
Lacey Chabert (32)
Kieran Culkin (32)
Dominique Moceanu (33)
Martina Hingis (34)
Marion Cotillard (39)
Ashley Hamilton (40)
Jenna Elfman (43)
Tony Hale (44)
Trey Anastasio (50)
Eric Stoltz (53)
Crystal Bernard (53)
Fran Drescher (57)
Patrice Rushen (60)
Barry Williams (60)
Victoria Tennant (64)
Rula Lenska (67)
Marilyn McCoo (71)
Len Cariou (75)
Johnny Mathis (79)
Cissy Houston (81)
Angie Dickinson (83)

Pic: Tatler

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Night Crumbs

September 29, 2014 / Posted by:

In Maroon 5′s video for “Animals,” humanized used tampon Adam Levine stalks his real-life wife Behati Prinsloo and humps on a piece of meat in a slaughterhouse while thinking about doing her. Adam Levine should be fined for thinking he’s Patrick Bateman and for contaminating all that meat with his skankness. You know, an inspector from the health department should just go ahead and slap an F on that video and shut it down  - Lainey Gossip 

Have Lifetime’s Prison Wives been in prison too? Because they all look like they were in a prison yard shiv fight with Vee from Orange is the New Black and lost – Reality Tea

Laura Jeanne Poon is a complex human being who has many different shades and most of those shades are plastered as hell – Celebitchy

Emily Ratajkowski thinks she’s Kate MossDrunken Stepfather

Well, it could be worse, Lena Dunham could be paying her book tour opening acts with copies of her book – The Superficial

An 11-year-old got injured while partying at a club at 1 in the morning, and you probably didn’t even finish that sentence before you started shouting, “It has to be Florida!” – WWTDD

Aretha Franklin’s cover of “Rolling In The Deep” is an auto-tuned NO, but her Photoshopped eyebrows are a thing of exquisite beauty and have got me rolling in the deep – Towleroad

Second tier Elvira impersonator + a hooker who sort of looks like Cher = Jessie J’s look – Hollywood Tuna

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH – Jezebel

Who the hell would want to talk to Taylor Swift anyway? I’d just want to talk to Olivia BensonICYDK

Here’s Channing Tatum’s nipples, if that’s what you need today – Popsugar

Megan Fox’s face looks different and even her kid is having a “Harpo, who dis woman?” moment – Popoholic

This puppy needs walking lessons from Miss JayThe Berry

Couldn’t have happened to a shittier douche – OMG Blog

We’re living in a world where crime lab technicians who have gone to school to be crime lab technicians have to test SpaghettiO residue to see if it’s really meth – Gawker

Everyone involved in Avengers 3 decided they weren’t making enough millions so they’re splitting the movie into two – Pajiba

Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig show you how to deal with a reporter who’s pretending like he saw your movie when he didn’t – HuffPo

Um, it’s obvious that Brad Pitt and St. Angie Jolie didn’t go to George Clooney’s wedding in Venice because they knew their piping hot star power and blazing holy gloriousness would’ve sucked up all the attention  - Just Jared

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Open Post: Hosted By Bobo, The Cat Who Loves Nothing More Than Getting Vacuumed

September 29, 2014 / Posted by:

It’s still Monday so why not turn off your brain (“Um, I do that as soon as I go onto Dlisted.com, bitch” – you) and get into an 80-second-long video of a cat slipping into a cloud of purrrre ecstasy while getting vacuumed by his human. If you’re really confused while looking at that screen shot, let me guess that this isn’t what you had in mind when you landed on this page after Googling, “pussy getting sucked off hard.

While some cats would scratch open their human’s face if a vacuum got near them, Bobo has always loved getting Hoover’d. Bobo’s human said on Facebook (via Metro UK) that his love affair with vacuums started when he was a kitten and now he’s addicted to it.

When he was a little kitten (about 2-3 months old) he liked to play with the brush, his two brothers were affraid and they “dissappeared” when I started to use the vacuum cleaner (I regret that I didn’t record more videos with little Bobo…seeing him chasing brush was very funny). When Bobo was bigger I tried to use the same type of brush like in this video on his back. He was surprised and a little scared, but after 2-3 “sessions” he started to like being vacuumed. Now it’s a ritual for him.

Bobo might think he’s got his human well-trained in the art of cat massage, but I see the human as the real winner here. Because all of the cat hair that’d normally end up all over the sofa is getting sucked into that vacuum’s stomach. If Bobo poops in the toilet and thinks scratching furniture is something low-class trash does, he’s the perfect cat. Clone him!

And somewhere, Parasite Hilton’s gynecologist is watching this video while wishing that her pussy would behave like this when they vacuum the crotch critters off of it.

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