Archives: September 2014

Rihanna Takes An Angry Swipe At CBS For Pulling Her Song From Thursday Night Football Last Week

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Last week, CBS decided to pull Rihanna’s song “Run This Town” along with a narration by Don Cheadle from the opening of Thursday Night Football’s broadcast of the game between the Baltimore Ravens and the Pittsburgh Steelers, and instead replace it with a discussion about domestic violence. At the time, CBS Sports chairman Sean McManus explained they chose to do so because after all the Ray Rice shit that had happened earlier that week, it no longer fit the tone they were going for. However, they did plan on using RiRi’s opening at a later date, and “Run This Town” is back for this week’s broadcast.

I guess RiRi was smoking space blunts on an alien yacht somewhere in the Blorg-6 Riviera, because it looks like she just got the memo that CBS is using her song for Thursday Night Football once again. Oh, and she is NOT having it. Princess Ooh-Na-Na took to Twitter to drag CBS for ever pulling her song in the first place:

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I’m not sure what I love more: that RiRi combined a “Fuck you” with a “Y’all are sad” (it’s the peanut butter and chocolate of insults) or that she followed it up with a Dowager Countess-sounding “The audacity“. I pictured RiRi writing the first Tweet in a g-string and chinchilla-fur bikini top with a half-smoked blunt hanging out of her mouth, then changing into a high-necked Gibson Girl dress and grabbing a pair of opera glasses while throwing her nose in the air and haughtily declaring: “My goodness…THE AUDACITY! Charles, take a note on the telegraph – I want everyone to know how displeased I am with those boorish oafs at the Columbia Broadcasting System.

Clearly CBS should apologize to RiRi, but a basic Hoops & Yoyo eCard isn’t going to cut it. If they really want to get on her good side, they should send over Don Cheadle nestled in a giant basket filled with decorative grass (you know what kind she likes) wrapped in a sash that says “Sorry we were RUDE BOYS, but we is BIG ENOUGH to admit we fucked up“. Don Cheadle can fix anything.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

The Colombian women’s cycling team uniform that had everyone seeing chocha over the weekend!

When the Colombian women’s cycling team showed up to a race in Tuscany, Italy last week, everyone thought they were members of the Miley Cyrus women’s cycling team since it looked like their crotches weren’t covered. But they were just working some Trompe-l’œil coochies, because that beige, gold-ish fabric only made it look like they were serving up a row of hairless beavers. I love their unsuspecting looks that say, “Why are all of the photographers crouching down and pointing their lenses at our down low parts?” That is the same face Brit Brit used to make when she’d get out of a car with no panties on.

Some hos on Twatter freaked out about this and wondered how in the hell did nobody notice before sending them out in public? Of course they noticed. One of the team’s members designed that mess and I’m guessing that she and the sponsors got what they wanted. I mean, we’re all talking about the Colombian women’s cycling team aren’t we? Well, played! But Brian Cookson, the President of the Union Cycliste Internationale, isn’t slow clapping at all and thinks their uniforms are highly UNACCEPTABLE!

To the many who have raised the issue of a certain women’s team kit, we are on the case. It is unacceptable by any standard of decency

Oh, please. Throw some cold water on that boner, Mr. Cookson. It’s not that serious. But I do agree that the uniforms need a little tweaking. If these were the uniforms for the Brazilian women’s cycling team, they’d be perfect. But it’s Colombia! They should add a little landing strip or something.

And according to Metro UK, this is what the Colombian men’s cycling team uniform looks like:

Male cycle team

That Ken Doll crotch is not a good look. They deserve better too. The designers should attach two ball-shaped water jugs to the crotch and attached to those ball-shaped water jugs should be a long, girthy hose that reaches all the way to the cyclist’s mouth so he can quench his thirst while racing. They can call that contraption cocktraption the ThermoLeto!

Pics: Twitter

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Birthday Sluts

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Jennifer Tilly (56)
Nick Jonas (22)
Teddy Geiger (26)
Travis Wall (27)
Ian Harding (28)
Max Minghella (29)
Madeline Zima (29)
Sabrina Bryan (30)
Katie Melua (30)
Alexis Bledel (33)
Amy Poehler (43)
Tamron Hall (44)
Marc Anthony (46)
Rossy de Palma (50)
Molly Shannon (50)
Richard Marx (51)
Orel Hershiser (56)
David Copperfield (58)
Mickey Rourke (62)
Ed Begley Jr. (65)
George Chakiris (80)
B.B. King (89)

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Night Crumbs

September 15, 2014 / Posted by:

The first shots from Brangelina’s very own Eyes Wide Shut called By The Sea are out and judging by these pictures, the movie’s investors must be really happy since they’re saving a lot of money in the budget by not having to buy food or soap  - Lainey Gossip 

Kandi Burruss might have a baby growing in her and if she does, I can’t wait to see the episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta where Mama Joyce tries to fight the baby after calling it a gold digger – Reality Tea

This Means War ruined romantic comedies for Tom HardyCelebitchy

Nicki Minaj’s old high school is missing out, because she could’ve let the science department examine the mysteries of her Fix-A-Flat ass – WWTDD

Dear Ariana Grande Latte, Brit Brit did it better – Drunken Stepfather

Snoop Dogg really needs to change his weed strain, because the one he’s currently smoking isn’t doing good things to his brain – Towleroad

It looks like Nicki Minaj’s ass has an ass - The Superficial

So what kind of foolery did Urban Outfitters pull today to get free publicity? – Gawker

And that overcooked crow Wendy Williams ate probably has more life in it than Kim and Kanye’s fake marriage – Jezebel

Selena Gomez got bangs – Popoholic

While scrolling, scrolling, scrolling and scrolling some more through this mega list of Madge’s best magazine covers, I kept saying to myself, “That Interview cover of her looking like a masturbating Clockwork Orange clown better be in the top..” – Boy Culture

The double dose of fetus growing in Zoe Saldana’s body has grown some more – ICYDK

Photoshop did wonders for Lindsay Lohan’s Wonderland Magazine spread – Hollywood Tuna

I’d hit ‘em all – The Berry

Holly Montag (Remember her? I won’t judge you too much if you shake your head yes) got married – Popsugar

You’d probably get the heaves if I asked you if you’d dieu Gerard Depardieu, but would it change your mind if I told you that he probably cums wine? – Pajiba

A Zoolander sequel is happening maybe – OMG Blog

I know what you’re going to do in two summers and it won’t include seeing the I Know What You Did Last Summer reboot – Just Jared

Pic: EW

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Open Post: Hosted By Rita Ora’s Subtle And Demure T-Shirt

September 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Here’s Rita Ora leaving a London Fashion Week event on Saturday night looking like a cross between a cracked out, broke off, dozed off hooker Teletubby and a cracked out, broke off, dozed off hooker Pebbles Flinstone. From the bodyguard’s “Are you serious with that busted Patsy Stone-on-a-budget makeup?” side-eye to Rita using the ends of her hair as bangs, there’s too much to take in here, so I’m going to go straight to the shirt that speaks to all of us. That shirt cost $225, but if you don’t feel like burning money by buying one, you can make your own for $0 using an old t-shirt and a red Sharpie. You should be warned, though, if you wear that shirt out in public, there’s a very good chance that Steven Bauer will jump on top of you and try to fuck it.

Pics: FameFlynet, Splash

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John Travolta Talks About The Gay Sex Allegations

September 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Just like a male massage therapist’s b-hole when John Travolta tries to tickle it with his finger, John Travolta’s mouth closes firmly shut every time someone brings up the gay rumors and he usually lets his lawyers do the talking/threatening/suing for him. But while talking to The Daily Beast about his new movie The Forger,  John dribbled out a few words when asked about the allegations from the pilot who claims to be a former gay lover of Scientology’s friendliest bear. Travolta’s alleged ex gay piece is trying to sell a book about their time together and John’s lawyers tried to stop that from happening, but they failed. The Daily Beast brought that shit up during their interview with John and surprisingly, Scientology goons didn’t rush into the room, grab the recorder from the interviewer’s hand and then drag that bitch to a cell next to Shelly Miscavige’s in a dungeon under a fortress in the desert somewhere. John didn’t deny, but he did say that those bitches are just looking for cash.

Right now, there’s this pending lawsuit from a man who claims to be your former pilot about a romantic relationship. What’s the deal with that?

This is every celebrity’s Achilles heel. It’s just about people wanting money. That’s all. It happens on many levels.

You are a high-profile figure, and as such, it seems like you get targeted a lot more than anyone else with these types of allegations.

Also, I don’t care that much about it. Other people may attack it back more than I do, but I let all the media stuff go a long time ago because I can’t control it. I think that’s why it persists, to some degree.

Do you find it offensive?

I found it most offensive with the loss of my son. I felt like that was the lowest I’d ever felt. Sex stuff is always going to be interesting to somebody, but you stay away from family. You really should. With that, I always felt like the media—not all of the media, but parts of it—went too low there.

Hmmm, no, I think it persists, because whenever John Travolta goes in for a massage, he can’t keep his paws to himself and is always trying to squeeze nature’s massage lotion out of a masseur’s crotch spigot. But whatever. The Daily Beast did ask John the questions that a lot of people don’t ask, but they didn’t ask the question that all of us want the answer to. They didn’t ask John why he continues to be a horrific animal abuser by wearing that parched, tortured, half-dead Lhasa Apso on his head.

Here’s John at the TIFF premiere of The Forger looking like The Operation man with a pile of pubes glued to his face.

Pics: Wenn.com

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One Of The Writers For OITNB Says The Show Made Her Realize She Was A Lesbian And She Left Her Husband For Poussey

September 15, 2014 / Posted by:

One of the head writers for Orange Is the New Black, Lauren Morelli (not to be confused with Lorna “Chris-TUH-fuh” Morello, who is…not a real person), recently confessed in an essay written for Identities.Mic back in May (via People) that writing about Piper Chapman getting finger-banged by Donna from That 70s Show made her realize that, despite being married to a dude, she was totally a gayelle. Oh, and that she’s in love with Poussey (aka Samira Wiley).

Lauren says that she had been married for all of 5 months when she got the job writing for OITBN, and but the second she stepped on set she knew she was ready to pawn her wedding ring for a one-way bus ticket to Downtown Pussy Town. Writing about the hot gayelle love between Piper and Donna (or Donna with glasses, whatever her character’s name is) made her think “Hmmm, maybe I don’t love dick as much as I thought I did” and she started to take a mental inventory of all the times she felt like a lesbian, which as it turned out, was all the time. So she came out as a gayelle to her husband and filed for divorce. I guess that makes her ex-husband the Larry in her life. Did anyone else all start hating Lauren’s ex-husband all of a sudden? Goddamn Larry! He’s the WORST.

Making the transition from penis to pussy can be difficult, and Lauren could have had her pick of any of the pussy-poppin’ ladies of the OITNB cast (are you looking at that flawless Macklemore hair? How could they resist!). Personally, I would have picked Flaca or Black Cindy, but Lauren chose the very adorable Samira Wiley, aka Poussey.

I’m sure some of you are wondering why Lauren didn’t celebrate her switch from dicks to dykes by adopting a “go big or go home” attitude and skipping past an entry-level lesbian like Poussey and going straight for Big Boo, but NO! That’s like learning to swim by getting thrown in the deep end of the pool! You can’t start with Big Boo! Big Boo’s pussy has a difficulty rating of 7.8! Big Boo is for experienced lesbians ONLY!

Pic: Instagram

A New Gold Digger Idol Emerges: 24-Year-Old Playboy Model Marries An 81-Year-Old Billionaire

September 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Aspiring gold diggers of the world, drop your shovels, get on your knees and worship your new role model and goddess!

A Jena Maroney dream came to life at Vienna’s Schönbrunn palace over the weekend when alleged 24-year-old Cathy Schmitz, a German Playboy model, married 81-year-old Richard Lugner, an Austrian construction mogul. Richard Lugner is that crazy billionaire who pays a different famous trick a giant pile of money to be his date to the Vienna Opera Ball every year. Richard gave 5 cent heffa whore Kim Kardashian $500,000 to be his date to the Ball last year and after he made that crazy decision, his family should’ve forced him into a mental hospital. But this weekend, Richard proved that he can still make great decisions by marrying this graceful German flower after knowing her for 6 months. Richard told The Local at his wedding that Cathy, who has a young daughter, is his fifth wife and he hopes this one sticks:

“Hopefully, this time it’s the right thing. Apart from the big age difference everything fits. Of course I argued less when I was alone, but a man needs a partner.”

I know, I shouldn’t call Cathy a gold digging goddess just yet. Hopefully, Cathy has learned from Anna Nicole’s mistakes and is going to make sure she’s in that will. Because nothing is more tragic and heartbreaking than a gold digger ending up with a handful of nothing after she’s spent months and years sucking cum dust out of a grizzled dick that looks like a wrinkle-faced bat. What am I saying? Of course this is true love and those twinkles in her dead eyes aren’t from her looking at his face and seeing the future headline that reads: 25-Year-Old Playboy Model Inherits Dead Billionaire Husband’s Entire Fortune. It’s real love. Cathy isn’t marrying that old ho for his money. She obviously doesn’t care about money since she bought her wedding dress for $8 at Party City.

And here’s more pictures of the stunning bride, who kind of looks like a Luna Lovegod doll filled with helium, and the groom who looks like Oswald Cobblepot’s pepaw.

Pics: Facebook, Wenn.com

Robin Thicke Admits He Was A Drunk Pilled-Up Mess For Most Of 2013

September 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Drug-resistant yeast infection Robin Thicke is currently in the middle of some legal shit with Marvin Gaye’s family because they claim he and dick-hatted singing rat Pharrell ripped off Marvin’s song “Got To Give It Up” for 2013′s douche anthem “Blurred Lines”. Robin and Pharrell gave their deposition way back in April, but they were kept sealed until this morning, when they were brought out in a Los Angeles court. According to The Hollywood Reporter (via Radar), it all began when lawyers for Marvin’s family brought up a quote Alan’s sleazy son gave to GQ last year where he pretty much admits that “Blurred Lines” is the cheap Chinatown knock-off of Marvin’s “Got To Give It Up”:

“Pharrell and I were in the studio and I told him that one of my favorite songs of all time was Marvin Gaye’s ‘Got to Give It Up.’ I was like, ‘Damn, we should make something like that, something with that groove.’ Then he started playing a little something and we literally wrote the song in about a half hour and recorded it.”

When lawyers remind Robin that he said this shit, Robin claims he only said what he said because he was jealous that Pharrell was going to get all the credit for the massive success of “Blurred Lines”, so he exaggerated how much involvement he actually had in the making of it. Which, according to Robin, was zero involvement, because was a Lindsay Lohan-level of coherent when they were in the studio making it.

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