And yet, that cake still isn’t gayer than the She-Ra cake I want for my birthday.
Yesterday was the 40th anniversary of Jimmy Fallon’s born day and one of his “gifts” was a giant fake cake full of piping hot douche cream. James Franco and his best brofriend forever Seth Rogen jumped out of the cake. They were living for it. They live for moments when they can get their nipples out together. Jimmy Fallon got another surprise when the legendary Stevie Wonder came out singing “Happy Birthday.” Stevie was blinded again when James and Seth almost touched sweaty armpits while stripper dancing in that cake.
My only question is, were they bottomless too? I guess we’ll never know the answer unless Jimmy later says that he took a bite out of that fake cake and for some reason it tasted like warm gouda, vinegar, butt sweat and dirty balls. Hmm, I pretty much just described the taste of the slice of cake I bought on sale from Food 4 Less the other day.
Even with that jean vest and that newsboy cap, I still would and HOW.
Idris Elba did a Reddit AMA (via Vulture) yesterday and sadly nobody asked him to finally put an end to MicCordGate by posting a picture of his dick next to a mic cord so we’ll know for sure what was in his pants that day. But somebody did ask him if he had any funny stories to tell about Nicolas Cage since he worked with that human bottle of crazy on Ghost Rider. Of course he had a funny Nicolas Cage story since I’m sure anyone who has ever come into contact with that mess has a funny story to tell:
“Yeah – Nic Cage came back one day on set, and he came down to set and he looked a little bit tired, a little bit – kind of like he’d ben up all night. So I was like ‘Hey Nic man, how you doing man’ and he said ‘I’m alright’ and I said ‘You seem a little spoked out’ and he said ‘Yeah man, I went up to Dracula’s castle…the ruins up in the mountains, and I stayed the night’ and I said ‘What?! Why?’ and he said ‘I just had to channel the energy, and it was pretty spooky up there.’ We were shooting in Romania, Transylvania, and he just went up there to spend the night, as you do.
And then he walked away.
I love how Idris said “True story.” He didn’t need to say that at all. If Idris also said that Nicolas added that he woke up in the middle of the night in the castle when a sweet transvestite from Transylvania tried to seduce him and then he ended up singing about doing the Time Warp in the ballroom with a maid with an afro and a butler who looked like Samantha Ronson with a half weave, Idris still wouldn’t need to say “True story.” I’d believe it no matter what. Because every story that involves Nicolas Cage is a true story. True story.
Insert ClayAikenMakingAJudgyYouGotWhatYouDeserveFace.jpeg here.
TMZ says that early this morning, hacked naked cell phone pictures of Kim Kartrashian ended up on 4Chan and Reddit. It’s surprising that we were all able to get onto the Internet this morning. You’d think that naked pictures of Kim Kardashian would’ve crashed all the servers and turned the Internet into a pile of rubble, because all of us definitely have never seen every single damn inch of her naked ass body.
TMZ says that also this morning, private naked pictures of Vanessa Hudgens (whose been to the hacked naked picture rodeo before) and Hope Solo ended up on 4Chan. Uproxx and The Daily Beast says that the new round of victims also includes Aubrey Plaza, Hayden Panettiere, Mary-Kate Olsen, Lake Bell, Avril Lavigne, Kaley Cuoco and Leelee Sobieski. There’s apparently also more pictures of Jennifer Lawrence. Reddit immediately shut down the new thread and since 4Chan has a new copyright infringement policy, they also deleted the pics.
So I guess this means that the FBI hasn’t caught the hacker(s) yet. If the FBI wants to find the bitch who leaked Kim Kartarshian’s pictures (Why do I feel like I’m always typing the words “leaked” and “Kim Kartrashian” in the same sentence?), all they have to do is follow the scent of self-tanner fumes, burnt nutsacks, Sasquatch saliva, desperation and Lucifer’s ass juices and it’ll lead them straight to Pimp Mama Kris’ Hidden Hills lair. Who knew that PMK was a b/tard? But PMK is truly slipping. If she wanted to create a real scandal, she should’ve leaked pictures of Kim doing shocking things like changing her own baby’s diaper or finishing the Highlights Magazine crossword puzzle.
Here’s Kim wearing some kind of tube top sausage casing skirt in a studio parking lot a couple of days ago.
I know, somebody should really come up with a different couple name for these two hos, because every time I see “Martin Lawrence,” I get really confused when my eyes land on a picture of a white girl with Taylor Swift hair. I think to myself, “Did Sheneneh bleach her skin?” So yeah, they need a new couple name so the confusion can stop! Maybe JenRis? Or JMart? Or LaMart? Or La Wart? La Wart it definitely is!
Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin have reportedly been doing it for a few weeks now and even though they’ve been together in public places, there’s zero pictures of them together. No grainy cell phone pictures. No slick pictures that a tricky trick took of themselves in the foreground and La Wart in the background. None of that. But at last night’s iHeart Radio music festival at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin ended up in the same frame. We’re getting closer to the truth!
People says that JLaw was at Coldplay’s rehearsal and sang along. During their set at the iFart Radio music festival, she stood on the side and went to his dressing room afterward. Because you won’t believe it until you hear it from an anonymous source, here’s an anonymous source repeating what I just wrote in the sentence before this one:
“She was off to the side of the stage when he performed. After his set, she snuck back into his dressing room.”
JLaw’s PR team should leak a picture of them sucking on each other’s mouths already. Because all we’ve got are stories of her going to Coldplay shows and singing along to every song, and a picture of her backstage with Chris Martin in the background. At this point, Jennifer Lawrence is coming off as Coldplay’s #1 fan and a Chris Martin groupie stalker. I won’t judge JLaw for knowing the words to every Coldplay song (yes, I will), but I will never be able to look at her if it came out that she’s a Chris Martin groupie stalker. That’s like saying that unsalted mashed cauliflower made with tap water is your favorite food ever. Even Taylor Swift would say, “Girl, love yourself more.”
Johnny O, the prince of freestyle!
Since Stevie B is the King of Freestyle, Johnny O might be considered the Prince of Freestyle. (Side note: You were not a freestyle singer in the 80s unless your stage name was a boy’s nickname from the 50s followed by an initial. I really missed my calling. I could’ve been Mikey K, child freestyle singer of the 80s!) Johnny O (born name: Juan Ortiz) had the looks of a butch Prince mixed with a Latino Morris Day and his singing voice sounded like a nervous baby mumbling under his breath. Johnny’s O biggest hit was 1988′s “Fantasy Girl” and every time I hear it, I think of my cousins blasting a warped copy of it on a boombox at family parties while dancing on top of chairs (aka the closest thing to a go go box) on the side driveway.
In life, there’s a million unanswered questions, but one of life’s biggest unanswered questions is, “Why isn’t there a video for Fantasy Girl on YouTube?!” The closest thing I could find is this audio of “Fantasy Girl” paired with a picture of Johnny O dressed up like a sailor in the Tom of Finland world. The intro is really, really long, because back then, you needed time to warm up your dance moves before the lyrics popped up and you could really break it down.
Wikipedia says that Johnny O lives with his family in Florida and he still performs today. In 2007, he released a Christian dance album and you probably didn’t read any of that since you’re empty inside from Johnny O swallowing your soul as you stared into his eyes in that video.
Sophia Loren (80)
Phillip Phillips (24)
Christopher Scott (31)
Jon Bernthal (38)
Asia Argento (39)
Moon Bloodgood (39)
Michelle Visage (46)
Kristen Johnston (47)
Gunnar and Matthew Nelson (47)
Maggie Cheung (50)
Deborah Roberts (54)
Alannah Currie (57)
Gary Cole (58)
Debbie Morgan (58)
Anne Meara (85)
Ryan Gosling is “madly in love” with his one week old baby (not pictured, that’s a stand-in baby) and that’s a good thing, because it’d be really awkward if he couldn’t stand her ass – Lainey Gossip
Wonky McValtrex’s living and breathing $13,000 accessory has already mastered the “SAVE ME” face – Egotastic!
Oh, just a couple of potatoes soaking in some water together – Drunken Stepfather
NeNe Leakes is going back to Glee one last time – Reality Tea
Will LeAnn Rimes and Brandi Glanville just rage fuck already and get it over with? – Celebitchy
School officials added that they’d be totally okay if future stepmom Jennifer Lawrence brought Apple and Moses to school on a Vespa since she’s not totally a self-entitled asshole – The Superficial
Cameron Diaz without pants on in case you forgot what that looked like – WWTDD
The homophobic fake lesbian piece of trash from t.A.t.U. went on to say that she might be okay with her son kissing another dude if he was in a shitty pop group with the dude and they were only doing it for cash – New Now Next
President Obama sent Melissa Rivers a nice letter about her mother even though Joan Rivers once called Michelle Obama a tranny – Towleroad
Anne Hathaway will later say in an interview that she trained for this scene by spening 16 months in China learning Tai Chi from the masters – Popoholic
Sofia Vergara looks more like a Latina Duchess Fergie circa the 80s – Hollywood Tuna
Happy Fap Friday once again - The Berry
Oh, Buffalo, you TRIED it, but in Florida, every family calls this “a regular Saturday night” – Gawker
Lenny Kravitz struts struts struts that ass – ICYDK
THE IMPACT OF ST. ANGIE JOLIE!!!11!!!! – Jezebel
I didn’t know Katherine Heigl was a TV critic at The New York Times – Popsugar
There will be a Fashion Police without founding Captain Joan Rivers – HuffPo
Panty Creamer of the Day: David Gandy in his panties - Just Jared
via Metro UK
We can finally close the chapter on The Fappening now that we have future North Carolina Congessman Clay Aiken’s thoughts on it. Clay did an interview with The Washington Post (via HuffPo) about his campaign and they asked him what he thinks about Kate Upton, Jennifer Lawrence and dozens of other celebrities finding their naked pictures spread all over the Internet after they got hacked. Jennifer Lawrence won’t be getting a sympathy bouquet of carnations and balloons from Clay Aiken anytime soon, because he thinks that she and all of the other celebrities who took pictures of their nipples and coochies got exactly what they deserve.
“Anybody who takes inappropriate pictures of themselves deserves exactly what they get.”
Clay probably said that with confidence, because he just finished up yanking every pictures of his peen and spread ass cheeks off of THE CLOUD.
Clay’s definition of “inappropriate” is totally different than mine. Pictures of tits, ass and chocha aren’t “inappropriate” to me. I mean, it’s just tits, ass and chocha. Now that picture of Clay Aiken in full Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream drag is highly inappropriate to me. It still haunts my nightmares.
Since taking pictures of your half-naked body is HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE to Clay, I’m guessing he didn’t feel any sympathy for himself when a trick he allegedly tried to hook up with on the Internet sold their conversation and webcam shots of him to The National Enquirer. (Clay has always denied that this is his ass.)
Clay also told The Washington Times that the hackers deserve to be hogtied and then he swerved back into the political lane since he’s a serious politician now.
“Of course whoever [stole and released the photos] should be hogtied. And it’s unfortunate that we don’t have Internet security right now or the laws in place to protect people from pirating that stuff.”
I know what Clay is really trying to do here. When Clay opens up his email every single morning, the first thing he sees is a picture of a 40-something Claymate with her mom jeans and cotton granny panties pulled down to her knees and on her crotch is a bushy patch of pubes with his initials shaved into them. This is his way of telling them to stop.
That high-pitched shriek you hear could be from me still freaking out over all of the heaping amounts of elegance that scooted over my eyes in these pictures or it could be from the skin on Courtney Stodden’s chest screaming in pain while trying not to rip apart as they hold in those 200 pound sacks of melted plastic. It’s hard to tell.
Courtney Stodden and her creepy Doug Hutchison, who looks like Pennywise the Clown out of makeup, graced the World of Wonder gallery with their beauty and love in Hollywood last night. As soon as the Porn Iguana slithered in, the paintings on the walls fell to the floor and turned to dust, because they knew they could not compete with the art on Courtney’s chest. The Porn Iguana’s chichis are an architectural wonder. They look like two extra large bowling balls shoved into two tiny condoms. Iguana skin must be the toughest kind of skin since it’s able to hold those things in.
Thanks to the Porn Iguana’s “Nascar parking lot hooker whore” outfit and her terrifying geisha clown makeup, she served enough glamour and sophistication to fill that 450 mile wide gap between her tits. I haven’t seen a display of demure grace like this since I watched JLo’s video.