Ryan Gosling is “madly in love” with his one week old baby (not pictured, that’s a stand-in baby) and that’s a good thing, because it’d be really awkward if he couldn’t stand her ass – Lainey Gossip
Wonky McValtrex’s living and breathing $13,000 accessory has already mastered the “SAVE ME” face – Egotastic!
Oh, just a couple of potatoes soaking in some water together – Drunken Stepfather
NeNe Leakes is going back to Glee one last time – Reality Tea
Will LeAnn Rimes and Brandi Glanville just rage fuck already and get it over with? – Celebitchy
School officials added that they’d be totally okay if future stepmom Jennifer Lawrence brought Apple and Moses to school on a Vespa since she’s not totally a self-entitled asshole – The Superficial
Cameron Diaz without pants on in case you forgot what that looked like – WWTDD
The homophobic fake lesbian piece of trash from t.A.t.U. went on to say that she might be okay with her son kissing another dude if he was in a shitty pop group with the dude and they were only doing it for cash – New Now Next
President Obama sent Melissa Rivers a nice letter about her mother even though Joan Rivers once called Michelle Obama a tranny – Towleroad
Anne Hathaway will later say in an interview that she trained for this scene by spening 16 months in China learning Tai Chi from the masters – Popoholic
Sofia Vergara looks more like a Latina Duchess Fergie circa the 80s – Hollywood Tuna
Happy Fap Friday once again - The Berry
Oh, Buffalo, you TRIED it, but in Florida, every family calls this “a regular Saturday night” – Gawker
Lenny Kravitz struts struts struts that ass – ICYDK
THE IMPACT OF ST. ANGIE JOLIE!!!11!!!! – Jezebel
I didn’t know Katherine Heigl was a TV critic at The New York Times – Popsugar
There will be a Fashion Police without founding Captain Joan Rivers – HuffPo
Panty Creamer of the Day: David Gandy in his panties - Just Jared
via Metro UK
We can finally close the chapter on The Fappening now that we have future North Carolina Congessman Clay Aiken’s thoughts on it. Clay did an interview with The Washington Post (via HuffPo) about his campaign and they asked him what he thinks about Kate Upton, Jennifer Lawrence and dozens of other celebrities finding their naked pictures spread all over the Internet after they got hacked. Jennifer Lawrence won’t be getting a sympathy bouquet of carnations and balloons from Clay Aiken anytime soon, because he thinks that she and all of the other celebrities who took pictures of their nipples and coochies got exactly what they deserve.
“Anybody who takes inappropriate pictures of themselves deserves exactly what they get.”
Clay probably said that with confidence, because he just finished up yanking every pictures of his peen and spread ass cheeks off of THE CLOUD.
Clay’s definition of “inappropriate” is totally different than mine. Pictures of tits, ass and chocha aren’t “inappropriate” to me. I mean, it’s just tits, ass and chocha. Now that picture of Clay Aiken in full Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream drag is highly inappropriate to me. It still haunts my nightmares.
Since taking pictures of your half-naked body is HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE to Clay, I’m guessing he didn’t feel any sympathy for himself when a trick he allegedly tried to hook up with on the Internet sold their conversation and webcam shots of him to The National Enquirer. (Clay has always denied that this is his ass.)
Clay also told The Washington Times that the hackers deserve to be hogtied and then he swerved back into the political lane since he’s a serious politician now.
“Of course whoever [stole and released the photos] should be hogtied. And it’s unfortunate that we don’t have Internet security right now or the laws in place to protect people from pirating that stuff.”
I know what Clay is really trying to do here. When Clay opens up his email every single morning, the first thing he sees is a picture of a 40-something Claymate with her mom jeans and cotton granny panties pulled down to her knees and on her crotch is a bushy patch of pubes with his initials shaved into them. This is his way of telling them to stop.
That high-pitched shriek you hear could be from me still freaking out over all of the heaping amounts of elegance that scooted over my eyes in these pictures or it could be from the skin on Courtney Stodden’s chest screaming in pain while trying not to rip apart as they hold in those 200 pound sacks of melted plastic. It’s hard to tell.
Courtney Stodden and her creepy Doug Hutchison, who looks like Pennywise the Clown out of makeup, graced the World of Wonder gallery with their beauty and love in Hollywood last night. As soon as the Porn Iguana slithered in, the paintings on the walls fell to the floor and turned to dust, because they knew they could not compete with the art on Courtney’s chest. The Porn Iguana’s chichis are an architectural wonder. They look like two extra large bowling balls shoved into two tiny condoms. Iguana skin must be the toughest kind of skin since it’s able to hold those things in.
Thanks to the Porn Iguana’s “Nascar parking lot hooker whore” outfit and her terrifying geisha clown makeup, she served enough glamour and sophistication to fill that 450 mile wide gap between her tits. I haven’t seen a display of demure grace like this since I watched JLo’s video.
An L.A. Lawyer Has Been Photoshopping Herself Into Pictures With Random Celebrities And Passing Them Off As Clients
In “You should know better, you’re a goddamn lawyer” news, a Los Angeles lawyer named Svitlana Sangary is in deep legal shit this week after she got caught Photoshopping herself into pictures with an assortment of high-profile celebrities and posting them to her website in an attempt to lure in new clients. The Daily Mails says that shady bitch Svitlana Photoshopped herself rubbing elbows with more than 50 celebrities, including George Clooney, Jamie Foxx, Barbra Streisand, Donald Trump, and Leo DiCaprio. She even went so far as to Photoshop herself into a picture with President Barack Obama. And I guess she was also trying to corner the lucrative trash market, because she also Photoshopped herself into a picture with Paris Hilton and High Klass Hooker Kim. Hey, dumb assholes need legal representation too, right?
Unfortunately, it was pretty obvious the pics were fake, because several of them showed Svitlana looking like a damn life-sized cardboard cut-out. That stupid bitch forgot to use different pictures of herself! That’s when the State Bar stepped in and asked the Supreme Court to suspend her license for six months and put her on probation for three years for “deceptive advertising”, aka trying to trick people into thinking she was the A-list attorney to the STAHS!
“What I really want is a music video that can easily be mistaken for a no-budget phone sex commercial that only played on public access in 1994” is what I’m guessing JLo told Hype Williams during their pitch meeting for this mess.
Because JLo and Iggy Azalea aren’t going to let Nicki Minaj be the only trick filling our faces with a whole lot of ASS like our name is Drake, their video for “Booty” is pretty much all booty. About three seconds into this proctologist’s dream, JLo bumps her 45-year-old ass up against Iggy Azalea’s 5-year-old pure silicone butt implants. You know JLo farted on Iggy’s ass and then rubbed it in at least once. The rest of the video is a seizure inducer and I’m expecting many straight dudes to file a lawsuit against JLo because they tore some of their dick tissue while having a seizure as they tried to jack off to this.
Here’s the entire video which shows you what you get when you mix together a $3 budget, a dirty American Apparel swimsuit, a tub of Crystal Gravy, a strobe light, a wad of chewed gum and Iggy Azalea looking like the buzz she got from the booze and pills she swallowed to get through this mess is starting to wear off.
That is the longest lip balm commercial I’ve ever seen. Since this video is for a song called BOOTY, I thought JLo was going to spread that EOS lip chap on another set of lips. I expected her to add another layer of class to this video by spreading her ass cheeks before smearing that EOS all over her b-hole lips. Hype Williams missed an opportunity. If you’re going to do product placement, do produce placement right.
Here’s Iggy in London today wearing a jacket with sleeves that look like rotten pieces of Brach’s Neapolitan Coconut Sundaes.
Earlier this week, the human equivalent of the word “Duuuude“, Keanu Reeves, received the world’s worst wake-up call (I mean, all wake-up calls are the worst, but this one was particularly bogus) after a strange lady broke into his house at 4am while he was sleeping. TMZ says that Keanu was woken up early Monday morning when he heard sounds coming from his library. When he got up to check if his books had come to life (you know part of him did), he discovered a lady in her mid-40s sitting on a chair.
But instead of freaking out and trying to whoop a trick, Matrix-style, by throwing a bunch of books in slow-motion while screaming “WHAT IF I TOLD YOU TO GET THE FUCK OUT?!?“, Keanu calmly approached her and asked why she was in his house. She explained she was there to meet him, so he politely excused himself to another room, called 911, and she was taken away by police for a psychiatric evaluation. TMZ says that Keanu’s house is built like a fort, so it’s amazing she managed to get in at all. Unfortunately, he didn’t set his security alarm before he went to bed, and she was able to sneak in pretty easily.
Keanu was way more chill in that situation than I would be. Last week, I was woken up by a scratching sound outside by bedroom window. Immediately I started sweating profusely; I was convinced it was Leatherface or the Candyman. Knowing I was too scared to do shit, I started bargaining with Dorito Jesus to spare my life and promising that I’d never call Kim Kardashian a drowsy-faced goblin hooker ever again. Yes, I was THAT scared. Eventually I got up the nerve to grab an aluminum baseball bat and see what the noise was. Turns out it was a possum taking a shit on the porch. The possum literally shot me a look like “Bitch, is everything ok? You are a MESS!” Clearly I need a Keanu in my life to teach me how to calm the fuck down a bit.
QUICK! Everyone form a protective circle around Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon, because 2014 is really taking a machete to the meaning of real love and none of our favorite couples are safe!
Most of you are still lying on the floor in a pile of sadness after reading about the tragic death of Canada’s royal couple and this truly sad news is going to make you want to pull yourself off of the floor and fall down again while screaming, “NO! NO! NO!” TMZ says that the couple I thought would last forever (served with zero sarcasm) has broken up. Mama June has taken off her commitment ring and dumped Sugar Bear after finding out that he’s been trolling dating sites for new ass. Sugar Bear put up profiles on dating sites including PlentyOfFish.com. You know, Sugar Bear is as slow as Mama June’s metabolism, so maybe he thought that PlentyOfFish.com was a website where you buy actual fish?
TMZ has a screen shot of Sugar Bear’s profile. He calls himself Georgiafighter31054 and says he loves to hunt fish and ride 4 wheelers. Mama June believe in her diabetes-filled heart of diabetes-filled hearts that Sugar Bear’s been sticking his sugar dick in other tricks. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is shooting right now and once they’re done, she’s going to pack up her tribe of deep fried dumplings and move out of the house. She’s going to move closer to her relatives. Mama June and Sugar Bear released this sad-inducing statement to TMZ:
“Sugar Bear and I have decided to take some time apart to figure out some things in our relationship. We are taking things day by day but regardless of what happens the girls will always be our #1 priority. We want to thank ya’ll for your support.”
This has to be a shameless stunt for the finale of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. This world cannot go on without Sugar Bear gently sticking his peen between Mama June’s luscious stack of Pringles chins and fighting off the gnats to nibble off the corns from her forklift foot. That’s real love. My heart is broken and not even a gallon of sketti sauce can mend it together.
Here’s Mama June and Sugar Bear during happier times at Extra or Access Hollywood (or whatever show that twat Mario Lopez hosts) last year.
Jack from Perth, Australia slept on the street overnight to be the first person
in the world Australia Perth at that Apple store to get the new iPhone 6 and a quick second after he had that priceless nerd jewel (which will be obsolete and a relic in 6 months when the iPhone 7 comes out) in his hands, he dropped it while showing it to a reporter. The way that crowd dramatically let out an “ooooooooh.” You’d think Jack dropped something extremely precious like a baby or a donut. When it slipped out of the box, I expected time to move in slow motion and as Jack contemplated suicide over the thought of his newborn iPhone shattering on the concrete, dozens of fanboys in the crowd would throw themselves on the sidewalk to protect civilization’s greatest creation.
But you know, something in the Victoria Bitter ain’t clean about this. What kind of crazy, hardcore Apple fanboy opens up his new iPhone 6 on the STREET? Every self-respecting crazy, hardcore Apple fanbitch leaves the store with their new iPhone 6 while protected by two rented armed guards and after they escort him home in an armored vehicle, he barricades his front door, closes all the curtains and gently lays his new baby on a freshly cleaned velvet cloth before he blesses it with a worn Steve Jobs turtleneck he bought on eBay and jacks off while pressing the play button for the first time. He would never share that intimate and religious moment with a bunch of strangers.
I didn’t see any tears and he didn’t immediately kiss his iPhone 6 while screaming, “I almost lost you! I almost lost you!” FAKE! That shit was obviously a publicity stunt produced by Apple. When I played that clip on my ancient iPhone 5s, I asked Siri, “Siri, is this shit staged and fake,” and she didn’t say a word. Bitch must’ve signed a non-disclosure.
Avril Lavigne And Chad Kroeger’s Marriage Is Dead Because She’s Convinced He’s Going To Cheat On Her
I don’t know if it’s the 3 slices of coconut cream pie I just ate or picturing Chad Kroeger rubbing his ramen noodle-pubed trouser worm on the greasy crotches of a bunch of random mouth-breathing Nickelback groupies, but I feel very very ill all of a sudden. You’re right, it’s definitely not the pie. It’s never the pie.
So it looks like we might finally have a reason for why the Manic Panic Pixie Dream Goblin and the come-to-life AXE-scented wallet chain called it quits on their douche-approved union. According to Radar, Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger have spent the last couple months of their 14-month marriage fighting like cats and dogs (or a busted Hello Kitty sticker and an inbred Cocker Spaniel) over several things:
1. Avril can’t trust Chad to keep it in his pants. Chad cheated on his ex-girlfriend with Avril, and now she’s afraid he’ll skip out on her after humping on another kohl-eyed Hot Topic troll
2. Avril has fetus fever (oh lord NO) but Chad doesn’t want a baby right now because he’s about to go on tour
3. Avril’s last album, Avril Lavigne, went triple bismuth (9 copies in Saskatoon) and she blames the album’s failure on Chad because he produced it
So basically, Avril and Chad are the low-budget Labatt Blue Spencer’s Gifts version of Tori and The Deaner. YES I SAID LOW BUDGET; Tori and The Deaner are the gold standard for messy dum-dum cheater marriages.
Personally I’m kind of surprised these are the straws that broke the moose’s back. Cheating and a baby? I was hoping Canada’s Royal Couple would bring the drama in a more Canadian way. Where’s the story about Avril selling all of Chad’s Corner Gas DVDs in a garage sale? Or Chad eating Avril’s Swiss Chalet left-overs from the fridge? You let me down, you two!