Why oh why did I come back from Mexico when I did?! Yes, Joe ManJello and Sofia Vergara are in Cabo and that is far, far away from where I was, but who knows. Both of our planes going back to CA could’ve been diverted to the same small airport in Mexico somewhere due to weather (???) and we could’ve met in the airport bathroom where he’d ask me if I could be so kind as to shake the pee out of his peen for him because his hands are so sunburnt that it hurts to touch anything. It could happen!
Before Joe ManJello begins shooting 2015′s Oscar sweeper Magic Mike XXL, he and Sofia sunned their parts in Mexico and of course she threw up a couple of pictures of them on her WhoSay account, because she’s contractually obliged to do so. I’m still that jaded bitch who think this PRomance has been planned out and choreographed by the ho who tried to bring us Kaley Cuoco and Superman, but at this point it doesn’t really matter. I’m all for it as long as Sofia keeps posting pictures of Joe sucking on a fat cigar and looking like he’s throwing a “That’s the spot” side-eye while someone turns his butt into an all-you-can-eat salad buffet. Charade away, bitch!
Here’s Viggo Mortensen with a whole lot of Clairol Natural Instincts (shade: Sahara Light Blonde) in his hair at the photo call and premiere of Loin des Hommes at the Venice Film Festival over the weekend. Either Viggo decided to bleach himself down to his Danish roots or he threw some blonde (with chunky sun-kissed caramel low lights, very 2001) on his hair for a movie role. If the latter is the case, then I’m guessing that Viggo is starring in a brand new Harry Potter movie where he plays Voldemort whom we find out faked his death and snuck off to Hawaii to live out his dream of being Laird Hamilton’s surfing protégée.
Even though Viggo looks like he scalped David Spade and sewed that shit onto his head, I still would, because his ass cheeks are what got me through A Perfect Murder. I’d definitely let blond Viggo hommes dez loins (I don’t know what that meant, but just go with it).
File directly under: DUH and DUH.
TMZ says that the FBI has opened up an investigation and working on tracking down the hacker or hackers who leaked the hundreds of naked celebrity pictures that took over the Internet’s Labor Day and are the sole reasons for why thousands of mothers are cleaning their teenage son’s bedrooms today and shaking their heads over all the “cream of mushroom stains” on the carpet. The FBI didn’t get into details, but they did tell TMZ that they’re working on it and I’m taking that to mean that they’ve put Special Agent Courtney Love and Detective La Toya on the case.
“The FBI is aware of the allegations concerning computer intrusions and the unlawful release of material involving high profile individuals, and is addressing the matter. Any further comment would be inappropriate at this time.”
If the hacker is American, they’re probably thinking about fleeing to Edward Snowden’s pied-à-terre in Moscow, because ScarJo’s hacker got a decade in the clink.
Reddit thinks they found the dude responsible for releasing the flood of celebrity nipples to the masses, but he told Buzzfeed that he’s innocent and a stupid plan to use the pictures to get bitcoins backfired on his ass.
It was reported that a crack in THE CLOUD might’ve made it easy for the hackers to get in and snatch up all those pictures, but Apple said today that after spending 40 hours investigating this shit, they determined that they’re not to blame (of course) and there was no breach in their security system.
“After more than 40 hours of investigation, we have discovered that certain celebrity accounts were compromised by a very targeted attack on user names, passwords and security questions, a practice that has become all too common on the Internet”
I knew this before, but now I really know that anything I throw up into THE CLOUD can be potentially exposed. Nearly all of my iTunes playlists are on THE CLOUD and all of my iTunes playlists are a trillion times more embarrassing than a picture of a Downton Abbey actress getting poked in the eye with a hard peen. I may or may not have that annoying ass “All About That Bass” song on one of my playlists and that song may or may not have been played at least 90 times. SANTO DIOS! Shoot down THE CLOUD now!
Two Master Stunt Queens Attempted To Put On A Convincing Show At The “Made In America” Festival This Weekend
Okay, this is starting to get goddamn ridiculous. Even though I know and you know and your dog knows that the current state of Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s relationship is hovering somewhere around the attic of a haunted house (ie: it’s been dead for so long, it’s now officially a ghost), they’re still hustling this tired come-to-life Heart Family bullshit like we’re all a bunch of gullible rubes. Except nobody’s buying what they’re selling! It’s gotten to the point where I’m pretty sure that even members of the Beygency are like “Girl, stop.”
And yet, these two continue to pull out their stale loaf of love bread and make stunt queen sandwiches for the never-ending publicity pic-a-nic that is their lives. Yawnce and Joe Camel decided to follow up their display of affection at the VMAs last weekend (for real, what in camel hell was that) by snuggling on each other at the “Made in America” festival in Los Angeles on Sunday night, and it was..something. I mean, it wasn’t nearly as tacky and blatant as their PDA performance at the VMAs, but it was still pretty awkward.
I know a couple of people who are deeply in love (myself and Doritos don’t count), and it would be really weird to see them pulling the kind of stiff Sears Portrait Studio poses that Bey and Jay were working on Sunday night. Did they take classes from the Lance Bass Modeling School? They’re SO awkward! They look like a stock image from a Christian sex toy website, but not one of the freaky horn-horn-for-Jesus ones (they exist, trust me), the other kind – the boring ones that refer to dildos as “marital aids.” I’m so surfbored.
But the thing that’s bothering me most of all is that everything is so damn red! Was the “Made in America” festival held in a high school dark room?
A couple of years ago, a woman told police that while on a date with CeeLo Green, he allegedly snuck MDMA into her drink and after she passed out, he raped her. At the time, the long-lost twin of Pile of Chet from Weird Science admitted to “giving” the woman MDMA and having sex with her, but denied raping her. CeeLo was charged with drugging the woman, a felony, and the rape charge was dropped due to lack of evidence. CeeLo recently pleaded “no contest” to the drugging charge and he was sentenced to probation and community service. CeeLo probably should’ve left it at that, but he just couldn’t help himself. Yesterday on Twitter, CeeLo dribbled out an incoherent shit stream of words where he said that it’s only rape if the person is conscious. Satan, please come and get your child, because it’s too early in the week for dumbassery like this.
Before CeeLo hit the delete button on all of his tweets, Love B. Scott (via Buzzfeed) got screen shots of them. CeeLo tried to school his followers on the true meaning of “rape” by telling them that it’s not rape if the person who was raped doesn’t remember they were raped. What in “tree falling in a forest” HELL is this midget T-rex talking about? The tweets are after the cut. CAUTION: You will lose at least one brain cell while reading them.
There must have been a full moon or something, because this is the second story about a dum-dum dick dripping who spent their Labor Day weekend dealing with an assault charge.
TMZ says that Chris Brown, the human equivalent to getting diarrhea at the mall and the only toilet paper they have is that 1-ply tissue paper bullshit, appeared in a Washington D.C. courtroom on Tuesday morning to accept a plea deal in the assault case that was born when Chris Brown tried to whoop a trick Chris Brown-style outside a W Hotel in Washington last October. Breezy told the judge that he wants to go on tour and spread his message of crappy music across the land, like a shitty Johnny Appleseed, and that he’s so sowwy and just wants to put this all behind him, so he plead guilty and accepted a misdemeanor assault charge. »
Literally every American is screaming “QUICK! CLOSE THE BORDER!” at this very moment. And I’m eye-shanking all of you, because it looks like that little shithead is our problem once again. According to CBC News, Canada’s crown prince of shitty spoiled asshole behavior Justin Bieber has once again proved what a shitty spoiled asshole he is by crashing his ATV into a minivan and then picking a fight with the driver on Friday just east of Statford, Ontario. Caillou’s rotten cousin was taken in by police and charged with assault and dangerous driving, but he was released on the promise that he appear in a Stratford court on September 29th. How Canadian, right? “We’ll let you go if you pinky-swear to come back.”
Bieber is currently on probation for egging his neighbor’s house, so he could be majorly fucked. But speaking as a Canadian person with a basic understanding of the legal system (thanks to reruns of Street Legal), that lil’ asshole will probably get off with barely a slap on the wrist. He’ll be sentenced to a 12-pack of maple-dip donuts and asked to be more careful next time before the judge musses up his hair and tells him: “Get on now, scoot! And stay outta trouble you little scamp!” Then Stratford will declare September 29th Justin Bieber Assault Day and everyone will get the day off work. No, that won’t happen – I’m sure the people of Stratford hate him just as much as the rest of North America. But they do have this weird sort of pride for him, so who knows?
But getting arrested in rural Ontario after crashing your ATV into a minivan and instigating a fist-fight with the driver? Even Ricky from Trailer Park Boys is like “Damn, that’s trashy.”
Okay, so I can stop sending hate mail to “St. Angie, c/o God, Heaven, 051322″ (Yes, Heaven’s zip code is Bea Arthur’s born day and that’s no coincidence) for not inviting her brother and the human equivalent of STAINS, James Haven, to her wedding, because it turns out he was at her wedding and sat in the front row. Earth, that’s your cue to start spinning again.
When E! News squirted out details of St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt’s wedding in France, they said that mutated white dog turd Jon Voight wasn’t there, because he wasn’t invited, but they didn’t say anything about James Haven. But this morning, Lainey posted scans from Brangie’s wedding spread in Hello! and there was the bulgey-eyed distinguished salamander standing in the front row and looking off into the distance, because he knew that if he laid his Slinky Dink eyes on St. Angie, he wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to suck the bride’s face and he wanted to save that move for when they danced to the “Flowers In The Attic” theme song during the reception.
E! claims that Shiloh and the boys of the Child Army wore cream linen suits and I knew that had to be wrong, because the child army would never dress like a Southern grandpa going to Easter service. Instead, they dressed up like a cross between Justin Timberlake during his copy + paste Robin Thicke phase and Amish businessmen.
And here’s a pic of Maddox and Shiloh getting the giggles during the ceremony.
They’re either laughing because they know their parents are about to bring the grossness by doing kissing stuff or they got contact stoned from standing so close to Brad Pitt. Or Maddox is laughing because he just looked at his mom’s mess of a dress and spotted the doodle he drew of a single tear falling into a bowl of cake batter (a wink to his former arch rival Aniston).
And here’s Brad giving you Weekend At Bernie’s chic while leaving a hotel in NYC on Sunday.
Kanye West has repeatedly told us that he’s the smartest man in the world (or whatever he claims during his daily crazy pants ranting) except he clearly doesn’t understand what impressions are, or how comedy works, or what humor is. Ironic, really, considering he’s married to a clown.
During the Made in America festival in Philadelphia on Saturday, Us Weekly says that Kim Kardashian’s kurrent husband took deliver said crazy pants rant to the audience about SNL comedian Jay Pharoah’s impression of him at the VMAs last Sunday. Pharoah, seen above at the VMAs looking like Kanye if Kanye was an active granny from Boca Raton, kept it pretty inoffensive, but Kanye was SO upset that someone would DARE have the audacity to poke fun at him, so Kanye called Jay Pharoah to inform him that his Kanye spoof at the VMAs and his “Waking Up with Kimye” sketch from SNL isn’t funny. Kanye explained to the audience (who probably had 0.00 fucks to give, honestly) that Jay should be PRAISING him, not parodying him. »
In “Definitely The Most Talented Shit You’ll See On Dlisted Today” news, here’s Shiro, a Japanese Internet star (But what Japanese pussy ISN’T an Internet star?) taking a soothing nap while a tiny frog chills out on his head.
I watched this approximately 300 times last night and mostly because I watched it while that room temperature bore puddle of chunky shit known as Lifetime’s Saved By The Bell movie was on and it was the only thing that helped me get through that AquaNet-covered yawn. I can’t even call Lifetime’s Saved By The Bell movie a train wreck, because shit actually happens during train wrecks. It was like sitting in your car and watching a never-ending train going 3 mph slowly crawl in front of you. You just wanted it to end. A caffeine overdose couldn’t make that mess exciting. So if Shiro can get me through Lifetime’s Saved By The Bell movie, Shiro can get me through anything.
If it’s your first day back to work after a weekend full of butt and mouth chugging the sweet nectar and it feels like Satan and all of his minions are Riverdancing in your head, let Shiro soothe you. So soothing. So Zen. Shiro is more soothing than a desktop zen garden and those swinging kinetic balls. Get into Shiro’s zen-ness:
Shiro isn’t only a zen master whose third eye has two eyes, but he’s also a trend-setting fashion icon. Expect other pussies to copy this look. When you see Choupette Lagerfeld working a tiny toad hat on her head, you’ll know where that bitch got the idea from.