Juliette Lewis is one of the only disciples of L. Ron Hubbard I can stand (besides John Travolta’s wig, of course) because she doesn’t shit at the mouth about Scientology that much and because she was in the underrated TV jewel I Married Dora. But today, I nearly crushed the Thetans that live under my eyelids by rolling my eyes at the shit she said about why Scientology gets hate from the media.
During an interview with The Daily Beast, Juliette was asked about the biggest misconceptions about Scientology. Juliette said that Scientology is a self-help movement and the mainstream media will never write anything truthful about it, because they’re funded by Big Pharma and Tom Cruise spoke out against the pharmaceutical industry when he ranted about Brooke Shields taking anti-depressants to deal with postpartum depression (among other things). Juliette adjusted her tin foil bonnet and barfed this up:
I’ll get all conspiratorial on you, and I’m just going to throw this out: The mainstream media is funded by pharmaceutical companies, so when you have the biggest movie star in the world at the time—Tom Cruise—coming out against anti-depressants and Ritalin and just saying, “Hey, why don’t you put a warning label on there?” The thing about Scientology is it is anti-drug in that you’re seeking relationship or communication tools—simple basics on how to live better. So, when Tom came out about that, I’ve never seen someone get torn down so hard, and they still brutalize him with Scientology pieces to this day. It’s a religious philosophy and self-help movement. And you’ll never see a truthful word written about it in mainstream media.
Yes, it was little ole’ Tommy Girl who almost brought down the zillion dollar pharmaceutical industry by shitting on anti-depressants. If anything, Tommy Girl’s rant put more money into the pockets of those greedy ass Big Pharma bitches, because some of us needed to snort crushed Prozac cut with Valium after listening to him.
I can think of a million other reasons for why people hate on Scientology. Off the top of my head, I hate on Scientologists, because they probably see John Travolta all the time in the auditing waiting room and shit and they never tell him to shave those gross pubes off of his face. So answer that, glib ass Juliette.
I was beginning to think (“Bitch, don’t ever ‘think’ about Pimp Mama Kris and her harem of demon whores” – you) that Pimp Mama Kris and Bruce Jenner’s break-up was just another choreographed stunt and that she and he would renew their vows on the season finale of Krapping Up The Kartrashians. We’d all gasp when PMK lifted Bruce Jenner’s white veil and revealed his perfectly applied lip gloss, waterproof mascara and A+++ foundation game. But that’s not going to happen, because TMZ says that PMK filed for divorce in L.A. today and Bruce Jenner is going to file his response sometime today. I’m hoping that Bruce Jenner’s official legal response looks something like this:
Yes, of course that’s written in Clinique Chubby Stick. What do you take Bruce for?
TMZ says that PMK checked “irreconcilable differences” as the reason why her marriage is as dead as her soul and she filed without a lawyer, because she and Bruce already worked everything out. A source tells TMZ (read: PMK whispered it into Harvey Levin’s ear while enjoying cactus fruit martinis together at their usual table at Trader Vic’s) that PMK, Bruce and their business managers spent months splitting everything up. They didn’t have a prenup and neither will pay each other spousal support. They’ll share joint custody of 17-year-old KYJelly Jenner.
PMK listed June 1, 2013 as their separation date and the law states that any money she made after that date is hers and any money he made after that date is his.
This is too amicable and that evil life-sucking monster doesn’t do anything amicably. This is probably what really happened. PMK appeared in a cloud of black smoke in Bruce’s boudoir as he brushed his luscious ombre locks with his Mother of Pearl brush. PMK told him that she gets all the money and all the houses and he gets to walk away with his ponytail, his diamond stud earrings, his freedom, the secrets she’s been blackmailing him with for years and his nutsack. Bruce’s eyes perked up when she said, “nutsack.” PMK cackled away before telling poor Bruce that Khloe accidentally ate his nutsack a long time ago. She mistook it for freeze dried dog treats. Bruce took her deal, because he just wants to be free of those demon skanks. That’s what really happened.
And here’s PMK at LAX today where she got on a flight to an undisclosed location (the Ninth Circle) to begin shooting her new reality dating show Flavor of Kris. I kid, but you know it’s koming.
St. Angie Jolie has already chosen the next piece of Oscar bait she’ll direct. Once she finishes up directing that By The Sea shit, she’ll direct a movie called Africa about paleoanthrologist Richard Leakey (the Alan Cumming-ish-looking dude above) and his crusade against ivory poachers. That title doesn’t really work. Angie should title it GIVE ME THAT DIRECTING OSCAR ALREADY. There, that works much better. – Lainey Gossip
Can’t the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills writers write an arch for Allison the SLYCIC instead of writing these dumb ass fights? – Reality Tea
Take that, hackers. Alicia Keys posted a picture of her knocked up naked body with a peace sign on her belly, because charity, or something – Drunken Stepfather
“Why is an evil Russian villain from a Tolstoy novel picking up Leonardo DiCaprio’s award for him?” is what most of the audience at the Clinton Global Citizens awards thought to themselves when Leo got onstage – Celebitchy
In other words, Kate Hudson and Goldie Hawn get really stoned together - The Superficial
Finally, some good news in the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo world. Uncle Poodle is getting married! – Towleroad
Blake Griffin’s oiled up cum gutters almost distract my eyes from those hideous jeans – Jezebel
Now that MiserAlba’s chemical-free diaper company is worth one billion dollars, does this mean that she’ll stop torturing us with her shitty acting? – WWTDD
The reincarnation of Marilyn Monroe lives! – Hollywood Tuna
James Blunt got married and my thoughts and prayers are with his guests if he sang “You’re Beautiful” during his and his wife’s first dance – ICYDK
This is how Sarah Hyland’s Modern Family character is celebrating Slutoween this year – Egotastic
Pimp Mama Kris is good: A man in a wheelchair (who totally isn’t a stunt man hired by PMK) crowd surfed at Kanye West’s show – Gawker
Willie Nelson’s “Bitch, don’t try to be slick” face is Willie Nelson’s best face – The Berry
What in trash bag Party City wrapping paper HELL is Hilary Duff wearing? – Popoholic
The American Horror Story: Freak Show character posters are here – OMG Blog
Adam Brody’s nips, here they are – Popsugar
Kenan Thompson is leaving Saturday Night Live at the end of the season, or maybe not – HuffPo
Bow Wow proposed to his fiancé with a stunning tanzanite ring from QVC - Just Jared
Here’s Prince Hot Ginge hugging 4-year-old Carson Hartley, who suffers from a heart condition and chronic lung disease, at the WellChild Awards in London today. Carson’s mom Kirsty Hartley told the press after this picture was taken that her son was so excited that he nearly embedded his hand print into PHG’s face:
“We were worried he was going to high-five Prince Harry in the face he was so excited. Harry got down on his knees and had a big smile on his face while he was chatting to Carson, he couldn’t believe how active he was despite all the conditions he has. He said he thought he was inspirational for still being so happy, but he also said that parents must be recognized too for how hard they work, which was really nice to hear.”
I would write more about this, but I need to go lie down, because while looking at that picture of PHG hugging a sick child, the pile of dead maggots I call a heart started to feel things and I’m not used to that.
Pics: Wenn.com, AP
Seen above bringing the glamour by shoving six Bump-Its in her hair before posing with Willow and Bristol, Sarah Palin did something she never does, keep her lips shut, when the story about her family’s Jerry Springer-approved messy brawl at a snowmobile party in Anchorage came out. Over a week ago, bloggers in Alaska reported that the Palins were involved in a 20-person drunken brawl that ended with Bristol Palin repeatedly punching the owner the house and Sarah Palin screaming, “Do you know who I am?!” The Anchorage PD confirmed that the trashy brawl went down and said that the Palins were there, but didn’t say anything else. A few days ago, the pride of Alaska (Correction: The FORMER pride of Alaska. The new, real pride of Alaska is Charlo Greene.) FINALLY broke her silence and wrote a Facebook post where she slobbered out a stream of pride for Bristol Palin and waved a shank at the liberal media for trying to bring down her family. Take it away, Mama Grizzly!
I love my Bristol! My straight-shooter is one of the strongest young women you’ll ever meet. I have to say this as a proud mama: right up there with their work ethic and heart for those less fortunate, my kids’ defense of family makes my heart soar! As you can imagine, they and my extended family have experienced so many things (liberal media-driven) that may have crushed others without a strong foundation of faith, and I’m thankful for our friends’ prayer shield that surrounds them, allowing faith to remain their anchor. Thank you, prayer warriors! I love you!
See this from Bristol:
- Sarah Palin
Sarah Palin defending Bristol Palin’s messy ass tells me that during that brawl, Sarah held down that house owner and screamed, “Whoop that trick, honey! Whoop ‘em,” while her pride and joy punched him in the face several times. Now that Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is in danger of ending (no, it isn’t), TLC should beg the Palin family to star in another reality shit show for them, because us Americans need our weekly dose of pure hillbilly class.
I’m sure you’re like “Punk’d? How current. What’s next, a BREAKING story from the set of Pimp My Ride?“, but honestly, this story is worth traveling back in time to 2003. Dust off your Von Dutch trucker hat and grab a Pepsi Twist (remember that shit? It was like drinking cola-flavored Pledge), it’s time to talk about that time Justin Timberlake threatened to fight Dax Shepard during the filming of Punk’d!
During an interview with WTF with Marc Maron (via Uproxx), Kristen Bell’s husband admitted that he used to be a bit of a rage case and get into fights a lot. Ashton Kutcher knew this when he hired him for MTV’s Punk’d, and he warned him that no matter how messy shit might get with a celebrity during a prank (like if the person being pranked can’t take a joke and turns Punk’d into Punch’d), he wasn’t allowed to fight back. Ashton doesn’t have that kind of insurance, brah! Dax says it was never really a problem, since most people laughed it off when they found out it was all a joke. Except for one very butthurt boybander named Justin Timberlake, who wanted to whoop a trick, NSYNC-style.
No, as far as I know, it’s not viral marketing for American Horror Story: Freak Show. It’s just another foolery-filled story for the Florida files. The two go hand in hand, really.
Nowadays, fame whores really have to do some crazy shit to stand out in a field of fame whores and this Tampa blossom knows this, so she really brought the WTF to get spotlights on her. 21-year-old Jasmine Tridevil (believe it or not, that’s not her real name) brought Total Recall to life by getting a third tit installed in her chest, because she wants to be a reality TV star. Well, having 3 huge tits got Pimp Mama Kris a reality show and look where she is today! Jasmine tells Real Radio 104.1 (via HuffPo) that she called 50 plastic surgeons before she found one shady enough to make it possible for two dudes to titty fuck her at the same time. You’d think that after the 49th plastic surgeon hung up on her, she’d think to herself, “Maybe this isn’t such a good idea.” But really, she only needed to call one plastic surgeon: Jocelyn Wildenstein’s private plastic surgeon, because that shifty bitch will obviously do anything.
Just when you think it couldn’t get any sexier than a beer-chugging backwoods Texas T-Rex and a wig-wearing Woody from Cheers, Colin Farrell has confirmed the rumor that he’ll be hustling the greasy Irish heat on the second season of HBO’s True Detective. Colin told Ireland’s Sunday World (via The Guardian) that he’s definitely involved, adding “I’m so excited.” Yes I just pictured him cry-screaming that like a pilled-up Jessie Spano. We all did, right?
Colin doesn’t say much about his character, like whether or not he’ll be forced to investigate all crimes shirtless and/or pantsless, but he did confirm that TD2 is moving from the swamps of Louisiana to the trashiest swamp of them all, Los Angeles (the Kardashians still live in L.A. right? Then it’s still technically the most active swamp in America):
“I know it will be eight episodes and take around four or five months to shoot. I know very little about it, but we’re shooting in the environs of Los Angeles which is great. It means I get to stay at home and see the kids.”
I have a thing for rough-looking dudes who are fighting a lifetime’s worth of personal demons, so I hope that the producers of TD2 really ride Colin hard and put him away wet like they did with Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson in the first season. Like maybe Colin’s character is haunted by the memory of something that causes him to snort bath salts and have messy casual sex in dirty gas station bathrooms? I mean…whatever, up to you guys.
Or maybe HBO will give Colin the same treatment they gave Justin Theroux in The Leftovers and make him bulge out in a pair of crotch-caressing sweatpants every episode. If these pictures of Colin going to a yoga class back in August are any indication of what to expect, I’d be ok with that. “We need to catch the seaside killer! But first, I need to stuff my loaf of Irish soda bread into a pair of cotton junk-huggers and go for a run.”
I didn’t know the #ROBSTENISUNBROKEN truthers were still a thing until CNN reported this morning that there’s another huge crack in the ozone layer from the high-pitched hot cries of woeful pain that the Robsten fangirls let out when seeing these pictures of Robert Pattinson holding hands with a trick who isn’t Kristen Stewart. They still will not believe. #ROBSTENISUNBROKEN will never become #ROBSTENISBROKEN. They will not let themselves believe that Rob is licking another trick’s armpit.
The former keeper of the Unicorn Forest, 28-yearold RPattz, has been dating 26-year-old British singer-songwriter FKA Twigs (born name: Tahliah Barnett) for a few weeks now and they’ve been papped hanging out in NYC. But just like I refuse to believe that Beverly Hills Teens got canceled and isn’t just on a really, really long hiatus, the Robsten fandom (yes, a little piece of my already dead soul dies more whenever I type “Robsten fandom”) refuses to believe that Robsten is out and SonWigs is in. But the hard truth stabbed them all in the hearts over the weekend when Instagram user shia_da posted pictures of RPattz and FKA Twigs holding hands while strolling on the beach in Venice, CA.