Archives: September 2014

Sarah Palin Defends Her Family After Trashy Hot Alaskan Brawl

September 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above bringing the glamour by shoving six Bump-Its in her hair before posing with Willow and Bristol, Sarah Palin did something she never does, keep her lips shut, when the story about her family’s Jerry Springer-approved messy brawl at a snowmobile party in Anchorage came out. Over a week ago, bloggers in Alaska reported that the Palins were involved in a 20-person drunken brawl that ended with Bristol Palin repeatedly punching the owner the house and Sarah Palin screaming, “Do you know who I am?!” The Anchorage PD confirmed that the trashy brawl went down and said that the Palins were there, but didn’t say anything else. A few days ago, the pride of Alaska (Correction: The FORMER pride of Alaska. The new, real pride of Alaska is Charlo Greene.) FINALLY broke her silence and wrote a Facebook post where she slobbered out a stream of pride for Bristol Palin and waved a shank at the liberal media for trying to bring down her family. Take it away, Mama Grizzly!

I love my Bristol! My straight-shooter is one of the strongest young women you’ll ever meet. I have to say this as a proud mama: right up there with their work ethic and heart for those less fortunate, my kids’ defense of family makes my heart soar! As you can imagine, they and my extended family have experienced so many things (liberal media-driven) that may have crushed others without a strong foundation of faith, and I’m thankful for our friends’ prayer shield that surrounds them, allowing faith to remain their anchor. Thank you, prayer warriors! I love you!

See this from Bristol:
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/bristolpalin/2014/09/my-parents-divorce/

- Sarah Palin

Work ethic.”

Sarah Palin defending Bristol Palin’s messy ass tells me that during that brawl, Sarah held down that house owner and screamed, “Whoop that trick, honey! Whoop ‘em,” while her pride and joy punched him in the face several times. Now that Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is in danger of ending (no, it isn’t), TLC should beg the Palin family to star in another reality shit show for them, because us Americans need our weekly dose of pure hillbilly class.

Pic: Facebook

And Now For The Time Justin Timberlake Threatened To Kick Dax Shepard’s Ass On The Set Of Punk’d

September 22, 2014 / Posted by:

I’m sure you’re like “Punk’d? How current. What’s next, a BREAKING story from the set of Pimp My Ride?“, but honestly, this story is worth traveling back in time to 2003. Dust off your Von Dutch trucker hat and grab a Pepsi Twist (remember that shit? It was like drinking cola-flavored Pledge), it’s time to talk about that time Justin Timberlake threatened to fight Dax Shepard during the filming of Punk’d!

During an interview with WTF with Marc Maron (via Uproxx), Kristen Bell’s husband admitted that he used to be a bit of a rage case and get into fights a lot. Ashton Kutcher knew this when he hired him for MTV’s Punk’d, and he warned him that no matter how messy shit might get with a celebrity during a prank (like if the person being pranked can’t take a joke and turns Punk’d into Punch’d), he wasn’t allowed to fight back. Ashton doesn’t have that kind of insurance, brah! Dax says it was never really a problem, since most people laughed it off when they found out it was all a joke. Except for one very butthurt boybander named Justin Timberlake, who wanted to whoop a trick, NSYNC-style.

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Viral Marketing For American Horror Story: Freak Show? Here’s The Florida Flower With Three Tits

September 22, 2014 / Posted by:

No, as far as I know, it’s not viral marketing for American Horror Story: Freak Show. It’s just another foolery-filled story for the Florida files. The two go hand in hand, really.

Nowadays, fame whores really have to do some crazy shit to stand out in a field of fame whores and this Tampa blossom knows this, so she really brought the WTF to get spotlights on her. 21-year-old Jasmine Tridevil (believe it or not, that’s not her real name) brought Total Recall to life by getting a third tit installed in her chest, because she wants to be a reality TV star. Well, having 3 huge tits got Pimp Mama Kris a reality show and look where she is today! Jasmine tells Real Radio 104.1 (via HuffPo) that she called 50 plastic surgeons before she found one shady enough to make it possible for two dudes to titty fuck her at the same time. You’d think that after the 49th plastic surgeon hung up on her, she’d think to herself, “Maybe this isn’t such a good idea.” But really, she only needed to call one plastic surgeon: Jocelyn Wildenstein’s private plastic surgeon, because that shifty bitch will obviously do anything.

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Colin Farrell Will Definitely Be Bringing The Hot To The Second Season Of True Detective

September 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Just when you think it couldn’t get any sexier than a beer-chugging backwoods Texas T-Rex and a wig-wearing Woody from Cheers, Colin Farrell has confirmed the rumor that he’ll be hustling the greasy Irish heat on the second season of HBO’s True Detective. Colin told Ireland’s Sunday World (via The Guardian) that he’s definitely involved, adding “I’m so excited.” Yes I just pictured him cry-screaming that like a pilled-up Jessie Spano. We all did, right?

Colin doesn’t say much about his character, like whether or not he’ll be forced to investigate all crimes shirtless and/or pantsless, but he did confirm that TD2 is moving from the swamps of Louisiana to the trashiest swamp of them all, Los Angeles (the Kardashians still live in L.A. right? Then it’s still technically the most active swamp in America):

“I know it will be eight episodes and take around four or five months to shoot. I know very little about it, but we’re shooting in the environs of Los Angeles which is great. It means I get to stay at home and see the kids.”

I have a thing for rough-looking dudes who are fighting a lifetime’s worth of personal demons, so I hope that the producers of TD2 really ride Colin hard and put him away wet like they did with Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson in the first season. Like maybe Colin’s character is haunted by the memory of something that causes him to snort bath salts and have messy casual sex in dirty gas station bathrooms? I mean…whatever, up to you guys.

Or maybe HBO will give Colin the same treatment they gave Justin Theroux in The Leftovers and make him bulge out in a pair of crotch-caressing sweatpants every episode. If these pictures of Colin going to a yoga class back in August are any indication of what to expect, I’d be ok with that. “We need to catch the seaside killer! But first, I need to stuff my loaf of Irish soda bread into a pair of cotton junk-huggers and go for a run.”

Pics: Splash

Cue The Robsten Fangirl Meltdown: Robert Pattinson Holds Hands With FKA Twigs

September 22, 2014 / Posted by:

I didn’t know the #ROBSTENISUNBROKEN truthers were still a thing until CNN reported this morning that there’s another huge crack in the ozone layer from the high-pitched hot cries of woeful pain that the Robsten fangirls let out when seeing these pictures of Robert Pattinson holding hands with a trick who isn’t Kristen Stewart. They still will not believe. #ROBSTENISUNBROKEN will never become #ROBSTENISBROKEN. They will not let themselves believe that Rob is licking another trick’s armpit.

The former keeper of the Unicorn Forest, 28-yearold RPattz, has been dating 26-year-old British singer-songwriter FKA Twigs (born name: Tahliah Barnett) for a few weeks now and they’ve been papped hanging out in NYC. But just like I refuse to believe that Beverly Hills Teens got canceled and isn’t just on a really, really long hiatus, the Robsten fandom (yes, a little piece of my already dead soul dies more whenever I type “Robsten fandom”) refuses to believe that Robsten is out and SonWigs is in. But the hard truth stabbed them all in the hearts over the weekend when Instagram user shia_da posted pictures of RPattz and FKA Twigs holding hands while strolling on the beach in Venice, CA.

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Amber Heard Is The Latest Victim Of The Fappening 2

September 22, 2014 / Posted by:

For those of you going “WHO????“, that would be Johnny Depp’s thirsty gold digging fiance, remember? I know, it’s been a while. So the sequel to The Fappening happened this weekend, but just like everything in Hollywood, that shit was split into two parts for maximum exposure. The first part happened on Saturday morning, when that sneaky cloud hacker released a new batch of stolen nipple pics, including ones belonging to Kim Kardashian, Gabrielle Union, Hope Solo, and more pics of Jennifer Lawrence.

Then part two happened on Sunday morning, when the same cloud hacker (or a secret underground ring of basement-dwelling cloud-hacking chronic masturbators) released nipple pics of Rihanna (THE AUDACITY!) and Johnny Depp’s fiance Amber Heard. According to TMZ, the hackers released over 50 topless pictures of Amber Heard to 4chan and Reddit, and they say it may be the biggest invasion of privacy since JLaw and Kate Upton were hacked a month ago.

No word on whether or not there are any pics of her rubbing on Johnny Depps’s dirty hobo pirate peen (I hope not), but TMZ says there is one picture of her holding up a sign that’s clearly a message to Johnny, since she refers to him as “Tonto”. Or maybe she was trying to send a message to Jay Silverheels up in Heaven?

This Fappening 2 mess is infuriating on so many levels (still no dick pics), but the thing I have the most trouble understanding is how the hackers are still able to steal shit from the cloud. Wasn’t the FBI supposed to put a padlock on the cloud? How in the FUCK are the hackers getting into the cloud? Are they working with the Care Bears? That’s gotta be it! I bet that prudish lesson-teaching bitch Grams Bear is behind all this!

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Eric The Actor From The Howard Stern Show Has Died At The Age Of 39

September 22, 2014 / Posted by:

If you’re like me and listen to The Howard Stern Show three times a week (Correction: More like three times a month since those bitches are always off. I blame America’s Got Talent.), then your ear holes were semi-regularly filled with the grouchiness that came out of Eric the Actor’s mouth. Well, my ear holes are frowning today, because they will no longer be touched by the sound of Eric The Actor yelling at Howard. Eric The Actor (government name: Eric Lynch) died on Saturday in Sacramento, CA at the age of 39.

Eric The Actor’s manager, Johnny Frato, told TMZ yesterday that he started having heart problems on Saturday and paramedics were called. Eric’s organs gave out and he died at the hospital. Johnny says that he was surrounded by his family and friends including his caretaker Jon. While talking to Howard last week, Eric said that his parents were going to take care of him from now on since Jon was moving away.

Eric The Actor (formerly known as Eric The Midget) first called into the Stern Show over 10 years ago and he quickly became one of the most popular members of The Wack Pack. He made his television acting debut in American Dreams and was also in Fringe and In Plain Sight. On the Howard Stern Show, they’d always make fun of his ass for being a show killer. I haven’t listened to Howard today yet so I don’t know what he said about Eric’s death, but he wrote this message on his site:

“I loved Eric… I truly, truly loved him… He was the greatest. I just loved the guy. Most people in Eric’s condition would be bitter. But Eric loved life.”a

Rest in peace, Eric. You are now in heaven where Preferred Stock cologne rains from above and you’re considered a show saver (aka the Heather Locklear of heaven).

And why in the hell hasn’t Kelly Clarkson tweeted non-stop about this?!

Pic: Facebook

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Ariana Grande Latte’s Life Coach Quit Her Toddler Diva Ass

September 22, 2014 / Posted by:

It’s no secret that Ariana Grande Latte has a reputation of being an entitled, demanding fan-hating diva bitch Bratz doll in 20lbs of fake hair and a store-bought Lolita act, but now it sounds like even the people who get paid to tolerate the budget Nick Jr. version of Mariah Carey have had enough of her spoiled sexy baby bullshit. According to Page Six, Airhead Grande Hairhead’s life coach quit because he couldn’t handle her shitty attitude anymore. An insider says he was hired to keep her “centered and healthy”, but it was impossible, since she’s exactly as awful as you’d imagine a 21-year-old come-to-life Bratz doll would be:

“He just couldn’t take it anymore,” says the insider. “Everything people are saying about her is true.”

Of course, a source close to Airhead claims that the “life coach” who quit was never actually her life coach, but a choreographer who is just mad he got fired by the wigged one:

“It is nothing but a spiteful former employee that has been telling rumors around town for the last several months.”

If the “life coach” is actually a choreographer who got fired, I wonder what he got canned for? I bet he tried to take a picture of the right side of Ariana’s face. Or maybe he made the mistake of reminding her that she’s an adult woman. “Excuse me?? I’m a VERY sexy baby! YOU’RE FIRED!

But in the event he was actually her life coach, it’s ok that he quit. The only life coach Ariana needs is her manager, Scooter Braun! I mean, look how well Justin Bieber has turned out? He could practically teach an Oprah’s master class on being a spoiled arrogant toddler!

Here’s Frankie Grande’s mega mega pop superstar sister serving up some not-right Toddlers & Tiaras realness at the Power 106 All-Star Celebrity Basketball Game yesterday. Do you ever get the feeling that Ariana Grande is just part of a long con being pulled by Chris Hansen to catch predators? I feel like at any moment, he’s going to walk on stage and ask everyone to have a take a seat.

Pics: Splash

Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Charlo Greene, the local news reporter from Alaska who really wants to be the Inetta the Moodsetta of 2014!

After reporting about the Alaskan Cannabis Club during KTVA-TV’s 10 p.m. newscast last night, reporter Charlo Green knocked the bongs off of everyone’s mouths and dropped a double bomb when she announced her support for the weed legalization movement in Alaska and revealed herself as the owner of the Alaskan Cannabis Club. DUN DUN DUN. Charlo told viewers that she will be dedicating all her time and energy to fighting the good shit fight in Alaska and then she channeled the forever queen of resignations, Inetta the Moodsetta, by quitting her job with these words: “And as for this job, well, not that I have a choice. But, fuck it, I quit.” Fun Fact: Those are the EXACT words that Sarah Palin wrote on her resignation letter when she quit her job as governor.

Charlo Greene (Her last name is GREENE, the people watching KTVA at 10pm on Sunday night should’ve seen this TWIST coming) tells the Alaskan Dispatch News that she decided to quit her job in an ultra dramatic way, because she wants to give her cause national media attention:

“Because I wanted to draw attention to this issue. And the issue is medical marijuana. Ballot Measure 2 is a way to make medical marijuana real … most patients didn’t know the state didn’t set up the framework to get patients their medicine. If I offended anyone, I apologize, but I’m not sorry for the choice that I made.”

KTLA apologized for the fuck bomb in this statement:

“We sincerely apologize for the inappropriate language used by a KTVA reporter during her live presentation on the air tonight. The employee has been terminated.”

Whoever wrote that statement obviously got into the stash that Charlo hid in the bottom drawer of her desk, because they can’t fire her. SHE QUIT, you dumbasses!

This is almost better than Inetta’s iconic I QUIT THIS BITCH moment. When Inetta quit that bitch, I could feel papers in the HR department fly off of desks. But Charlo Greene is still an Alaskan hero, because she did what most of us have wanted to do at least once in our lives and she quit her job in the name of medical grade weed. This would’ve been perfect if she pulled off her tiny mic and dropped it at the very end.

And the anchor’s “The hell just happened?” face says it all. Bitch went out in a blaze and I mean that in more ways than one

(Thanks to everyone who sent this in)

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