Archives: September 2014

Beyoncé’s Assistant Still Doesn’t Know How To Photoshop Thighs Properly

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

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Beyoncé really needs to book Basement Baby into an 8-week intensive night school class at the Adult Learning Annex, because this shit is getting ridiculous. Bey recently released some pictures of her celebrating her 33rd birth-bey (you know she calls it that) on a yacht in the South of France, but it looks like she had more important shit to do, like planning out her next publicity-humping long-term stunt with Jay Camel, because she clearly didn’t go over proofs with a fine-toothed wig comb. If she had, maybe she would have caught Basement’s sloppy ‘shop job on her thigh gap in this bikini pic before they went up. This isn’t the first time Beyoncé has ordered one of her minions to fuck around with her thighs, but it’s definitely the most obvious. Like Miss Cleo says: THE CARDS DON’T LIE!

Of course, I’m sure there are literally dozens of near-sighted BumbleBeys who are screaming at their screens: “You HAG! HOW DARE YOU? That’s 100% all-natural Beyoncé! You r just jealous u don’t have a gorgeous body.” No, you’re totally right. I’m just jealous. I’m also totally jealous that Bey’s yacht has a set of wacky Fun House stairs:

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I know Yawn-ce is trying to convince us she could drive a semi truck through her thighs without either side touching, but we all know her thigh gap is as bogus as her singing. Especially when she’s standing in front of something like stairs. Stairs are the snitches of Photoshop; they’ll rat you out every time. If Bey is still so dead set on using the lasso tool to remove half of her leg meat, she needs to start planning her backgrounds better. Maybe find a busy pattern that will distract from all the messy bending and warping, like a paisley. Or just start taking all your pictures in front of a green screen in a motion-capture suit and add in a pair of hot dogs later. There, problem solved!

Pic: Tumblr

Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

The memaw in a rocking chair who screamed “YEW STINKUH! in the David E. Kelley logo that played after every episode of Ally McBeal, The Practice, Boston Public and all of his other shows.

While writing about the Dancing Twins from Ally McBeal the other day, I remembered the grandma in the rocking chair who got knocked the hell out by the David E. Kelley logo after every episode. That shit was blatant memaw abuse! It’s like the prequel to the Life Alert commercial. That logo better have run its ass out of there and stowaway’d on a ship heading out of the country or joined the Abuelita Protection Program, because you know once that grandma pulled herself out of that chair, she put on all her rings, pulled off her shoe, got her switch (Adrian Peterson’s sensei, is that you?) and went after that brat ass logo.

But seriously, this is probably a posthumous HSOTD, because according to an article from The Baltimore Sun published in 1998, the grandma in the logo was David E. Kelley’s actual grandma Mildred. Mildred was 97 in 1998. David lived with Granny Mildred when he was in law school and “YEW STINKUH!” was one of her favorite phrases to say.

So Granny Mildred is in heaven, screaming “YEW STINKUH!” at the brat angels who interrupt her TV time.

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Birthday Sluts

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Cassandra “Elvira” Peterson (63)
Wade Robson (32)
Constantine Mouralis (39)
Bobby Lee (42)
Nate Berkus (43)
Keith Flint (45)
Matthew Settle (45)
Anastacia (46)
Malik Yoba (47)
Doug E. Fresh (48)
Bryan Singer (49)
Kyle Chandler (49)
Amy Roloff (51)
James Urbaniak (51)
Baz Luhrmann (52)
Dustin Nguyen (52)
BeBe Winans (52)
Kevin Clash (54)
Rita Rudner (61)

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A Source Tells CNN That Joan Rivers’ ENT Doctor Snapped A Selfie With Her During Her Throat Procedure

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Just when I was beginning to think that uncouth pieces of trash have taken the selfie situation too far by taking selfies with dead bodies in caskets at funerals, they outdo themselves by taking selfies with knocked out patients getting a procedure done. CNN says that a staff member at the Yorkville Endoscopy Clinic in Manhattan, where Joan Rivers had her endoscopy done, told investigators that her own ENT doctor busted in during the procedure to take a selfie with her while she was unconscious and he later did an unauthorized biopsy. Go ahead and add, “I promise not to take a selfie with my unconscious patient,” to the Hippocratic Oath.

CNN says that Dr. Lawrence Cohen, the medical director at Yorkville Endoscopy, did Joan’s throat procedure and during it, her ear, nose and throat doctor, who hasn’t been named, came into the procedure room and took a selfie with her while she was under anesthesia. When Dr. Cohen finished up, the ENT doctor did a biopsy without getting Joan’s permission first. Investigators believe that Joan’s vocal cords swelled up during the biopsy and she went into cardiac arrest after oxygen to her lungs got cut off. The ENT wasn’t certified by the clinic and that’s apparently required by law.

Yorkville Endoscopy spit out a stream of denials when the biopsy reports came out and said that they don’t do vocal cord biopsies at their clinic. The clinic later confirmed that Dr. Cohen was no longer medical director. CNN’s source says that investigators haven’t accused Dr. Cohen or the ENT doctor of doing anything wrong, yet.

Joan Rivers might think it’s funny that her messy ENT doctor took a selfie while she was under, but she probably wouldn’t think it was funny that he took a selfie with her while she had a camera down her throat, wasn’t wearing her jewels, was probably SANS FARDS and had on a plain, homely ass hospital gown. How dreadful. But I’m sure she’s up in heaven, cackling over the thought of Melissa Rivers suing the shit out of those doctors.

And expect that selfie to end up on the cover of The National Enquirer in 3…..2…

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Beyonce, Please Sashay Away

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

During one of the last shows of her and Jay-Z’s Stunt Queen Spectacular World Tour in Paris, Beyonce dropped her mic and kind of sort of forgot to keep lip-synching. If this was a lip-synch for your life, bitch would’ve committed lip-synch suicide. I’m sure the BumbleBeys will scream and say that she’s singing with a backing track and it’s impossible for her to sing all out, because the ears of us mere mortals cannot take her all-powerful nightingale angel voice. But I know what’s really going on here. Not only is Beyonce a master performer, a master singer, a master actress (HA), a master mother, a master wig wearer, a master credit taker, a master copy + paster, a master stunt artiste and a master (insert everything I missed here which is a million miles long since she’s a master at everything), but she’s also a master ventriloquist. Beyonce can sing out in her full singing voice without moving her lips. She does this so she can bless her BumbleBeys in the front row with her holy smile. Beyonce is THAT talented. I bet Miss Ohio is her coach.

I had to put the video behind the cut, because it embeds all wonky on the main page. Blame the Illuminati.

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Night Crumbs

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

George Clooney will get the Cecil B. DeMille Award at the Golden Globes next year, because they want him to show up and they also want to honor all the contributions he’s made over the years to the awards season escort industry. I’m okay with this as long as the cast of The Facts of Life (aka the women who are responsible for his entire career) present that award to him – Lainey Gossip

Why do I keep waiting for Arnold Schwarzenegger as Dutch from Predator to tackle  Khlozilla from behind? – Celebitchy

I’ve gazed into Courtney Stodden’s future and someone needs to hold me now, because I’m scared – WWTDD

The next season of Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never-Wases will be Mop Head-less – Reality Tea

Demi Lovato’s in a bikini – The Superficial

Abbey Clancy’s chichis must’ve had a hell of a fight. The right one wants nothing to do with the left one and is giving it the cold shoulder. Yes, Abbey Clancy’s chichis have shoulders – Drunken Stepfather

Colin Kapernick’s hot Huckleberry Hound-looking ass lifts his top for V MagazineTowleroad

Leonardo DiCatchAHo was named the UN’s Messenger of Peace and that title goes really well with his Messenger of Peen title from the modeling industry – Gawker

In Jennifer Lawrence’s new Dior ads, she’s giving Rachel Maddow after a wind storm – Popoholic

Miley Cyrus really knows how to dress for ATV riding – Hollywood Tuna

Rita Whora’s ensemble would’ve been elevated to new levels of sophistication if she wore her Teen Cunt t-shirt over it – Egotastic

Jennifer Lawrence wore a Roald Dahl quote on her body – Popsugar

Gwen Stefani is always carrying a tiny blond baby around. Always. – ICYDK

Here’s the ridiculous L.A. mansion (which you might’ve seen on Million Dollar Listing) that Beyonce and Jay-Z are renting – The Berry

Drew Barrymore went brown – HuffPo

For why is Jessica Simpson wearing construction netting as a skirt? – Just Jared

If The League ever gets canceled, Paul Scheer can always plop a blond wig on his head and be a Real Housewife of Orange County and he’d be the most feminine looking one of the group – SOW

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Very Important Update: Pia Zadora Is Out Of The Hospital!

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

You can get up off  your knees now (I bet you hear that a lot, but it’s usually said by a cop after catching you giving a beej in the bushes, you slut!) and everyone can stop spending every waking second praying for Pia. Because America’s true sweetheart (yeah, sorry JLaw and Chris Pratt) is out of the hospital and is on her way to making a full recovery. Typing those words is an even better feeling than deleting that goddamn U2 album from my iTunes.

Pia Zadora ended up in the Intensive Care Unit of a hospital in Las Vegas last Thursday after she was involved in a freak golf cart accident. Pia was a passenger in a golf cart driven by her 17-year-old son Jordan (the same one who called the cops on her after she allegedly choked him out during a fight) and when he made a sharp turn, she went flying out of that thing and busted her head. Pia was treated for a serious head injury and a jacked up ankle. Pia’s rep released a statement to The Las Vegas Sun yesterday saying that she’s out of the hospital and is planning to get her ankle operated on in L.A. next week.

Finally, some good news. This world can’t afford to lose another LEGEND! Yes, Pia is a legend. She’s a little bit of heaven here on Earth (and no, I don’t know what the shit is going on in that video below. I think that’s what the Scientology initiation ceremony looks like).

Pic: Twitter

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Open Post: Hosted By A Wet Benedict Cumberbatch

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Here’s Benedict Cumberbatch recreating the wank-worthy Mr. Darcy lake scene from the BBC’s Pride and Prejudice starring Colin Firth. That has to be the most British sentence I’ve ever typed. Actually, no it’s not. Here’s Benedict Cumberbatch recreating the wank-worthy Mr. Darcy lake scene from the BBC’s Pride and Prejudice starring Colin Firth, cheerio, Jodie Marsh, crumpets! There, that’s the most British sentence I’ve ever typed.

The alien amphibian got wet and almost shirtless in the name of charity! The Daily Mail says that a bunch of famous whores including Bendadick Cumsinbatches posed for the 10th anniversary of the Give Up Clothes For Good campaign, which raises money for cancer research. Photographer Jason Bell also took pictures of Jerry Hall, Liam Neeson and Sporty Spice. I haven’t checked on Tumblr today, but I’m sure it’s completely shut down, because after seeing their salamander God all wet and squinty-eyed, the Cumberbitches squirted out all the liquids in their body and they’re currently hooked up to an IV at Urgent Care.

That picture is very “It came from the lagoon.” And if you’re a hardcore Cumberbitch, that’s your cue to say, “Oh yeah, and I just came a lagoon.

Pic: Twitter

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Has It Really Come To This: Jessica Biel Being Considered For The Female Lead In True Detective 2

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

When casting rumors for the second season of True Detective started up, it was reported that the producers were really reaching for the highest stars by trying to get Jessica Chastain, Brad Pitt, Christian Bale and Cate Blanchett. I guess none of those stars wanted to be reached, so the producers went down one step on the ladder and reached a little lower by trying to get Ewan McGregor and then Colin Farrell and then Garrett Hedlund. Well, the producers are completely off of the ladder and now they’re taking whatever they can get.

Nothing has been confirmed yet, but apparently Colin Farrell, Vince Vaughn and Taylor Kitsch have been cast in the male leads. The Wrap says that the show’s creator Nic Pizzolatto is focusing on casting the female lead who’s been described as a booze and gambling addicted sheriff. Elisabeth Moss and Rachel McAdams were both rumored to be up for the role and The Wrap says they’re not totally out. But a source says that 7 actresses have been called back for the role after getting through the first round of auditions. The source says that the 7 actresses are: Rosario Dawson (okay, I can see that), Brit Marling (I can see that too, okay…), Oona Chaplin (I don’t know who that is, but I love a first name that sounds like an orgasm moan), Kelly Reilly (okay….), Malin Akerman (uh huh…), Jamie Alexander (yeah…) and Jessica Biel (WHAAAAAAAT?!).

While reading that list, I knew how the kids who had to pick baseballs teams during my 7th grade PE class felt. They went down the line, looked at each kid and said, “okay, okay,” and when they got to me at the end, they screamed, “Noooooooo.”

Jessica Biel?! Is Courtney Love, who could also be a consultant since she’s an actual detective, not available?

They should just cast an unknown. Or better yet, they should do what the producers of The Love Boat did whenever they got stuck and needed a lifesaver: they brought on Charo! Charo saves everything! Here’s my choice for the female lead in TD 2 looking hot, glamorous and sheriff-ey (just go with it) while posing with Lou Diamond Phillips at The Cesar Chavez Foundation Awards a few months ago.

Pics: Wenn.com

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