You can get up off your knees now (I bet you hear that a lot, but it’s usually said by a cop after catching you giving a beej in the bushes, you slut!) and everyone can stop spending every waking second praying for Pia. Because America’s true sweetheart (yeah, sorry JLaw and Chris Pratt) is out of the hospital and is on her way to making a full recovery. Typing those words is an even better feeling than deleting that goddamn U2 album from my iTunes.
Pia Zadora ended up in the Intensive Care Unit of a hospital in Las Vegas last Thursday after she was involved in a freak golf cart accident. Pia was a passenger in a golf cart driven by her 17-year-old son Jordan (the same one who called the cops on her after she allegedly choked him out during a fight) and when he made a sharp turn, she went flying out of that thing and busted her head like her head was the Pickfair Estate and the ground was a sledgehammer held by her. Pia was treated for a serious head injury and a jacked up ankle. Pia’s rep released a statement to The Las Vegas Sun yesterday saying that she’s out of the hospital and is planning to get her ankle operated on in L.A. next week.
Finally, some good news. This world can’t afford to lose another LEGEND! Yes, Pia is a legend. She’s a little bit of heaven here on Earth (and no, I don’t know what the shit is going on in that video below. I think that’s what the Scientology initiation ceremony looks like).
Here’s Benedict Cumberbatch recreating the wank-worthy Mr. Darcy lake scene from the BBC’s Pride and Prejudice starring Colin Firth. That has to be the most British sentence I’ve ever typed. Actually, no it’s not. Here’s Benedict Cumberbatch recreating the wank-worthy Mr. Darcy lake scene from the BBC’s Pride and Prejudice starring Colin Firth, cheerio, Jodie Marsh, crumpets! There, that’s the most British sentence I’ve ever typed.
The alien amphibian got wet and almost shirtless in the name of charity! The Daily Mail says that a bunch of famous whores including Bendadick Cumsinbatches posed for the 10th anniversary of the Give Up Clothes For Good campaign, which raises money for cancer research. Photographer Jason Bell also took pictures of Jerry Hall, Liam Neeson and Sporty Spice. I haven’t checked on Tumblr today, but I’m sure it’s completely shut down, because after seeing their salamander God all wet and squinty-eyed, the Cumberbitches squirted out all the liquids in their body and they’re currently hooked up to an IV at Urgent Care.
That picture is very “It came from the lagoon.” And if you’re a hardcore Cumberbitch, that’s your cue to say, “Oh yeah, and I just came a lagoon.”
When casting rumors for the second season of True Detective started up, it was reported that the producers were really reaching for the highest stars by trying to get Jessica Chastain, Brad Pitt, Christian Bale and Cate Blanchett. I guess none of those stars wanted to be reached, so the producers went down one step on the ladder and reached a little lower by trying to get Ewan McGregor and then Colin Farrell and then Garrett Hedlund. Well, the producers are completely off of the ladder and now they’re taking whatever they can get.
Nothing has been confirmed yet, but apparently Colin Farrell, Vince Vaughn and Taylor Kitsch have been cast in the male leads. The Wrap says that the show’s creator Nic Pizzolatto is focusing on casting the female lead who’s been described as a booze and gambling addicted sheriff. Elisabeth Moss and Rachel McAdams were both rumored to be up for the role and The Wrap says they’re not totally out. But a source says that 7 actresses have been called back for the role after getting through the first round of auditions. The source says that the 7 actresses are: Rosario Dawson (okay, I can see that), Brit Marling (I can see that too, okay…), Oona Chaplin (I don’t know who that is, but I love a first name that sounds like an orgasm moan), Kelly Reilly (okay….), Malin Akerman (uh huh…), Jamie Alexander (yeah…) and Jessica Biel (WHAAAAAAAT?!).
While reading that list, I knew how the kids who had to pick baseballs teams during my 7th grade PE class felt. They went down the line, looked at each kid and said, “okay, okay,” and when they got to me at the end, they screamed, “Noooooooo.”
Jessica Biel?! Is Courtney Love, who could also be a consultant since she’s an actual detective, not available?
They should just cast an unknown. Or better yet, they should do what the producers of The Love Boat did whenever they got stuck and needed a lifesaver: they brought on Charo! Charo saves everything! Here’s my choice for the female lead in TD 2 looking hot, glamorous and sheriff-ey (just go with it) while posing with Lou Diamond Phillips at The Cesar Chavez Foundation Awards a few months ago.
When Iggy Azalea’s ex-boyfriend and former manager Hefe Wine announced he was shopping a sex tape to Vivid Entertainment starring himself and the come-to-life version of Marcus Copeland as Tiffany Wilson, Iggy denied it was her, claiming she never made a sex tape. Then her lawyers sort of took it back, saying that yeah, maybe it is her in the sex tape, but she was underage when she made it, so any sicko trying to sell that shit will get a visit from Chris Hansen.
Then when it was revealed that, yeah, maybe she was over 18 when she made it, Iggy’s lawyers informed Hefe that Vivid can’t legally purchase the tape from him, because he doesn’t have written permission from both parties (keep that in mind the next time one of Kim Kardashian’s delusional disciples tries to convince you that drowsy hooker’s sex tape was “leaked”). And since Iggy never signed off on that shit, she breathed a sigh of relief and went back to drizzling spicy dipping sauce all over her Outback Bloomin’ Onion butt.
But that sleazeball is back once again to inform Iggy and her lawyers that he DOES have Iggy’s written permission. Sort of. According to TMZ, Iggy signed an agreement with Hefe back in 2009 that gives him exclusive rights to “manufacture, sell, distribute and advertise any recording embodying visual images.” Technically the contract is for records and music videos, but Hefe claims all he has to do is put one of Iggy’s old songs under the sex tape and he then he legally has the rights to sell it. Additionally, the contract states that he has the legal right to host and maintain a website to market Iggy’s work, so technically he can make a website and try to post the sex tape there.
Essentially, this whole Iggy Azalea sex tape business is turning into a messy XXX Australian version of “Anything You Can Do” from Annie Get Your Gun. Anything her lawyers do, Hefe can do better. It’s not her! Yes it is! She’s not 18! Yes she is! You can’t release it! Yes I can, yes I can, YES I CAAAAN!!
Literally the only way they can prevent this tape from being sold is if the Wayans brothers were to come forward with a copy of White Chicks and claim that the sale of Iggy’s sex tape violates copyright infringement laws.
Ariana Grande Latte Really Loves And Appreciates Her Fans (And I Mean The Opposite Of That, Of Course)
“I just want to squeeze you until you’re dead. Die! Die! I fucking hate you, you fucking bitch fuck! KISSY FACE!” is just one line from the internal monologue playing in Ariana Grande’s head while that was picture was being taken.
The music career of Ariana Grande, the demon that possessed a talking Bratz doll, isn’t even an hour old and the media is already tearing her to shreds for her diva bitch ways. Just in the past few weeks, there’s been stories about how she’s demanding, a complete asshole and will shank a bitch in the throat if they photograph her right side, Even Giuliana Rancic hates her. Well, here’s another story for the pile. This happened over the summer, but since America’s new favorite feel-good sport is hating on Blossom’s feminist of choice, the NYDN brought it out today.
Some source says that while visiting a radio station in Manhattan, Ariana put on a fake smile while signing autographs but as soon as she got into the elevator, she dropped the fakeness and wished death upon them all.
“She did autographs and pics and was all smiles until she got into the elevator,” a stunned industry insider tells us. “And as soon as the doors shut she said, ‘I hope they all fucking die.’ ”
Oh, young, evil Ariana, we’re all going to fucking die someday. It’s the fucking circle of fucking life.
This is kind of hilarious, because it’s funny when toddlers curse! They sound like adult people, almost! But it isn’t not funny when kids wish death upon people. Nope. That shit is scary. Those are the scariest kind of horror movies. I’m laughing now, but I won’t be laughing when stories come out about how Ariana’s lipstick is made of the blood of the small creatures she kills in her backyard for fun. Ariana’s own mom thought she was going to be a serial killer. She warned us! I bet that wicked child wishes hos who cross her into the cornfield. The cornfield might seem like it’s a nice place since Ariana isn’t there, but I doubt she lets her enemies off that easy. Her music probably plays on a loop in the cornfield. So do whatever that devil’s spawn says before you end up in a living, nonstop Problem.
Here’s Ariana the Terrible secretly wishing death upon her fans at Narita Airport in Tokyo today.
According to Us Weekly, those high-pitched tear-soaked screams you’re hearing just now are coming from the thousands of Gal-slings (lady Ryan Gosling fans) after they received the news that Eva Mendes was actually for-real pregnant with Ryan’s baby, and it wasn’t, in fact, just a cruel prank being played on them by that dark-sided man-stealing hussy. Multiple sources have confirmed to Us Weekly that Eva gave birth to a baby girl on Friday. Nothing else about the baby is known, so for now we shall call it BABY GOOSE.
Eva tried to keep Baby Goose a secret for most of her pregnancy; she never really admitted that she was knocked-up (Ellen did that for her) and the last time she was seen in public was more than three months ago. But now she can’t really hide Baby Goose that well (unless she finds a way to MacGyver a Baby Bjorn under her clothes). Or maybe Ryan will take care of it; don’t ducks carry their babies by hiding them under their wings? Either way, I doubt we’re about to see a People cover of Eva Mendes posing with a wrinkly confused-looking 5-day-old Baby Goose with the headline “MEET MY AVIAN MIRACLE!” (You’re right – she’s probably holding out for 10-page spread in Wildfowl).
But the only thing I really care about is whether or not the doctors handed Ryan Baby Goose and he greeted her for the first time by saying “Hey girl.“
ICYMI: Barbra Streisand Graces Late-Night TV With Her Smooth, Cholesterol-Filled Voice For The First Time In 50 Years
Above is Jimmy Fallon demonstrating what happens when you splash melted buttah onto a mirror in the bathroom of a gay bath house while chanting “Barbra, can you hear me?” three times in a row. You get a “Hello, Gorgeous” in your ear.
Barbra Streisand was on SNL for a quick minute in 1992 and she made an appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman in 1994, but it’s been half a century since she’s been a guest on a late-night talk show. Barbra ended her late-night dry spell last night by going on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. Babs was a guest on The Tonight Show a million years ago when Johnny Carson was the host.
While wearing Dracula’s business suit, Jennifer Aniston’s future face and with her hair laid like Ron Perlman’s Beast wig, Barbra pimped out her new album Partners and then sang a medley of songs from her new album with Jimmy Fallon who filled in for Elvis, Blake Shelton and Michael BoobLays. Buttah the inside of your ears with this pristine flawlessness and picture Lea Michele and a bunch of old gays rubbing themselves to it:
You can watch more clips of the episode here (scroll dooooown) or you can go to the lobby of the Scientology Centre in L.A. and watch hardcore Streisand fanboy John Travolta perform the whole thing by himself. “His Streisand is otherwordly!” – Xenu
And so it begins. Or should I say Bey-gins? NO I SHOULD NOT. On Friday night during one of the last On The Run concerts in Paris, Jay-Z changed the lyrics to the song “Beach is Better” in a way that made it seem like he was trying to subtly announce that he had busted a bareback camel nut into his wife and that Beyoncé was pregnant with the second chosen Illuminati child. Of course, the internet lost its damn mind; FEMA and the Red Cross are still trying to clean up the mess left when the Bumblebeys heard the news and their heads exploded, Scanners-style.
And now Beyoncé has thrown her wig into the rumor ring. A black-and-white photo of Bey and Jay Camel was posted to Twitter yesterday (via Daily Mail) showing the happy couple celebrating the end of the On The Run tour in Paris with glasses of what looks to be champagne. If it’s actually champagne, then this might be Bey’s way of telling us she doesn’t currently have a case of fetus fever. But the picture is in black-and-white, so we have no idea if it’s actually champagne! It could be water! It could be apple juice! It could be a glass full of low-viscosity wig glue! We have no idea. JUST TELL US WHAT YOU’RE DRINKING, BEYONCÉ!
Of course, nothing is truly officially until an angel descends from heaven to place a God’s Choice baby halo around her stomach. So until then, let’s say she’s not pregnant, just “prepping her pillows”, so to speak.
And here’s Bey and Jay keeping the rumor mill churning by going out for dinner at the Jules Verne restaurant in the Eiffel Tower last night. Oh look, what do we have here? Fancy dinner? Romantic setting? Jay-Z with his camel hoof around Beyoncé’s shoulder? Beyoncé covering her stomach with her purse? YAWN. Even Blue-Blue is like “It’s getting surf-boring, mommy.”
After Kanye West told a fan in a wheelchair to stand up at one of his shows in Sydney, he should’ve just said, “Sowwy. *Kanye shrug*,” and moved onto his next act of buffoonery. But Kanye West wouldn’t be Kanye West if he didn’t use a situation to nail himself to the cross and mouth shit out a long-winded stream of cold farts about how the media keeps painting him, an egotistical ass, as an egotistical ass. During his last show in Sydney last night, Kanye queefed up another WOE IS ME rant where he said that the media has the wrong target and he’s a married Christian man. Sorry, Christians, but Kanye belongs to you now and you can’t give him back. No refunds or exchanges! “Well, we had a good run. RIP Christianity 1-2014″ - Paul, Jesus or whoever the founder and president of Christianity is (was)