Archives: September 2014

Amal Alamuddin’s Parents Will Foot The Bill For Her And George Clooney’s Wedding

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Even though George Clooney has enough money to fly to Uranus, buy 4 aliens, bring them back to Earth, fill a 24-karat gold Olympic-sized swimming pool with Dom Perignon, and challenge them to a relay race against 3 rare white tigers and Michael Phelps every week for the rest of his life (that’s the kind of crazy shit rich-as-fuck people do, right?), Us Weekly says he won’t be spending a dime on his wedding to Amal Alamuddin.

A source claims that Amal’s family is keeping shit traditional and will pay for most of George Clooney’s Italian Wedding Showbiz Spectacular when it happens later this month, although according to Gossip Cop, that source is a lie-teller and George is paying for the whole thing. Regardless, I like to think Amal’s parents offered to pay because they truly believe their daughter is marrying just some sitcom actor. “It’s okay George, we’ve got this; we know you haven’t done much since Roseanne.

This reminds me of a wedding I went to where the groom’s family agreed to pay for an open bar if the bride’s family paid for everything else. Cut to the reception where everyone is drinking champagne flutes filled with sparkling air because those cheap bastards spent a total of $50 of booze. Like, 2 cases of beer, a bottle of off-brand “vodka-style” alcohol, and a box of wine. It was a joke! That shit was done before the second chorus of “Mony Mony.” Not to mention that the groom’s family were all a bunch of food-hungry maniacs who just destroyed the buffet. By the time my table was called, all that was left was a dry corner of lasagna and a malnourished chicken wing, because they ran out of food. It was inevitable! The bride’s family was broke and practically had to sell the damn farm in order to afford to feed everyone! And yes, this wedding took place in a community center and most of the guests wore cut-off shorts. How did you know?

So I guess what I’m saying is, I hope Clooney slips his future mother and father-in-law a couple private jets or their own island to thank them for agreeing to pay for the wedding, because you know they’re spending A LOT. The budget for Brad Pitt’s personal make-your-own sundae bar alone is probably close to $4,000 (“George! Make sure they get a case of Fritos, man!“)

Ariana Grande Latte Responds To The Diva Bitch Rumors, Uses The Word “Love” At Least 100 Times While Doing So

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Ariana Grande, the rabid Yorkie who shape-shifted into a diabolical wig with eyes, responded on Twitter yesterday to the rumors that she’s an evil demon fetus who wishes death upon her fans and is such a demanding asshole that she makes her diva idol Mimi seem like a reasonable and humble butterfly. Scooter Braun’s newest monster spilled out a Twitter stream filled with emojis, the word “love” and a quote from Rent. Ariana’s little fans (you know, the ones whose graves she wants to dance on) might think her tweets are cute and sweet and ~genuine~, but us growns know better. Ariana’s tweets are like a pentagram drawn in blood and covered with rainbow glitter and puppy stickers. They might seem fakely sweet and cute on the surface, but there’s a whole lot of dark-sidedness beneath them. The future serial killer’s tweets are after the cut, because there’s a lot of them.

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In “What Does Mayim Bialik Hate Now” News: Mayim Bialik Also Hates Frozen

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Mayim Bialik, the grown-up hat-less version of Blossom, took a break from hissing at toddler-faced jailbait-looking baby stripper Ariana Grande Latte to put some damn clothes on to take a swipe at Disney’s Frozen. But what could Blossom possibly hate about Frozen? Well, besides hearing “Let It Go” for the 4,97,246th time. Am I forgetting a scene where Elsa ditches her dress for a pair of hot pants and some hooker heels and grinds against Olaf’s carrot?

No. Apparently Blossom hates Frozen because there wasn’t enough of a Feminism message, but also there was too much male-bashing. Blossom explained on Kveller (via UsWeekly) that she HATED Frozen with the fire of a thousand burning Blossom hats for three reasons:

1. She hated that Elsa’s sister Anna’s identity was tied up in trying to land a man

2. She hated that Prince Hans turns out the be a lie-telling double-crossing scheming asshole, thus teaching little girls not to trust men

3. She hated that Elsa and Anna looked like dolls

Damn, she got all that from a children’s movie about a chick who makes snow with her hands? I guess that’s why she has a PhD and I have a fake diploma printed on the back of a menu from a college-themed restaurant called Pasta Academy (I majored in deliciousness with a minor in all-you-can-eat breadsticks).

I sort of get what she’s saying. Yes, Elsa and Anna look like they were conceived during a messy night at the Mattel factory between a skinny piece of plastic and a giant eye, and yes, Anna wants a ring on her goddamn finger ASAP so she can live happily ever after. But that’s because this is a Disney movie! Complaining about that is like walking into John Travolta’s wiglet closet (it’s a big closet) and getting pissed that it’s filled with fake hair.

But was it really male-bashing to make Prince Hans an asshole? Aren’t most Princes massive pricks? (“HOW DARE YOU” – Michael K, clutching a framed picture of Prince Hot Ginge).

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¡¡Escándalo!! Miley Cyrus Could Go To Jail For Disrespecting The Mexican Flag

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Mexico might (read: probably not) do what other countries should’ve done a long time ago: Throw Miley Cyrus in jail!

During a show in Monterrey, Mexico on Tuesday night (which was Mexican Independence Day), Miley put on a ridiculous fake ass (in her defense, it looks more natural than Kim Kartrashian’s ass) and as she twerked for the audience, one of her dancers spanked her with the Mexican flag. To quote my abuelita when she’s in the company of children, “COCHINA!” To also quote my abuelita when she’s not in the company of children, “Pinche pendeja!” The Mexican flag butt whipping starts at around the 2:20 mark in the video below and to those who have said that Miley needs a serious ass whoopin, I don’t think this is what you had in mind:

The Mexican government is serious about their flag, so they’re not happy about this. There’s a law in Mehico stating that any trick who disrespects their flag may be fined or jailed. (I may or may not typed that sentence while wearing an ass-less Mexican flag Speedo.) Reuters says that the Nuevo Leon state legislature is coming after Miley and wants to spank her fake ass with either jail time or a fine. The stage legislature approved a warrant for Interior Ministry to enforce the flag law on Miley. Miley or her people could be fined up to $1,200 or they could be jailed for 36 hours. In 2008, Paulina Rubio was fined after she posed with the Mexican flag over her naked body.

Screw the fine, jail that hillbilly piece of basuda! If you’re thinking to yourself that Miley’s dancer should face punishment since he’s the one who spanked her with the flag, then you need to blow the cum dust out of your contacts, because that’s not what I’m seeing. Miley is OBVIOUSLY “twerking” into that flag, so she’s the one who committed the crime (just go with it). At the very least, Mexican officials should unleash Mexican novella queen Soraya Montenegro on Miley. In this GIF the role of Soraya Montenegro will be played by Soraya Montenegro and the role of Miley will be played by that girl in the wheelchair (Side note: Soraya IS Kanye’s hero):

mileymexicanflag

LAAAAAAAAAAAAARGATE de aqui, Miley!

Pic: Instagram GIF: Blogspot

Ben Affleck Admits To Details That Yeah, He Counts Cards, So What?

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

The Rainmaker” – I bet that’s his nickname at strip clubs.

Ben Affleck, seen here looking sort of like an off-brand hybrid of Ryan Reynolds and George Clooney, spoke to Details magazine with director David Fincher about their upcoming film Gone Girl, and I guess there’s only so many times you can ask “So…does he actually kill his wife or what?“, because the conversation turned to that time the douchey half of Bennifer got kicked out of the Hard Rock Casino for counting cards at a blackjack table. And that the time he got kicked out of a Canadian casino for counting cards at a blackjack table. And basically all the other times he got caught gambling dirty.

But Ben Affleck doesn’t give a shit that he’s built up a reputation in the gaming community as the smug rich guy version of Raymond Babbitt. In fact, he’s pretty proud that he’s gotten so good at knowing when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em that casinos don’t want him hanging around because they know he’ll clean their asses out. Ben Affleck IS Kenny Rogers’ The Gambler!

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Brian, a 4-year-old Samoyed from England who loves eating thongs so much that he ate a thong, got surgery to get it removed and ate another one. And now you’ll have the Thong Song stuck in your head for the rest of the day. “Let me eat that thaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaa-ong.

When some drunk wrecks (see: me maybe once or twice) get so drunk that they barf their insides out, they don’t take that as a serious hint and switch out the sweet nectar for water or coffee. They wipe the puke from their mouths and keep boozing. They drop and reload. That’s what this hot bitch Brian is in the news for, but replace “booze” with “thongs” and replace “barf” with “surgery.” Brian (Side note: I love it when dogs have people names) loves nom nom nom-ing on panties so much that he won’t let a little thing called “a two-hour surgery” get in the way of him turning his stomach into a chonies drawer.

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Birthday Sluts

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Fred Willard (75)
Patrick Schwarzenegger (21)
Keeley Hazell (28)
Danielle Jonas (28)
Alison Lohman (35)
Sara Haines (37)
Jason Sudeikis (39)
Xzibit (40)
Towanda Braxton (41)
James Marsden (41)
Ami Onuki (41)
Lance Armstrong (43)
Jada Pinkett Smith (43)
Aisha Tyler (44)
Tara Fitzgerald (47)
Ricky Bell (47)
Holly Robinson Peete (50)
Joanne Catherall (52)
Lori and George Schappell (53)
Jeana Keough (59)
Anna Deavere Smith (64)
Satan’s Angel (70)
Frankie Avalon (74)
Robert Blake (81)

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Night Crumbs

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Ellen Page is in W Magazine and her facial expression tells me that either she’s confused as we are about the Eyes Wide Shut shit they made her wear or she’s gotta piss – Lainey Gossip 

Backdoor Farrah abandoned the idea of homeschooling her daughter after finding out that she has to teach her kid the ABCs and the answer to 2 + 2 and other stuff she doesn’t know - Reality Tea

In other words, Princess Charlene feels the same way she felt before she got knocked up with an heir – Celebitchy

Claudia Schiffer’s still got it - Drunken Stepfather

If anybody should get the switch, it’s Reggie Bush for dating a Kardashian for so long – The Superficial

Germany’s finest alpine rose Micaela Schaefer is topless in public again. It must be a weekday. – Egotastic

I would totally start watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey again if they went to Chernobyl for their big group trip – WWTDD

Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka redefine the definition of TWEE once again – Towleroad

YOUR TAG IS STICKING OUT, EVA! - Hollywood Tuna

Slow clap for Suri Cruise’s styling skills on Katie Holmes last night – Popholic

NBC is rebooting Problem Child as a TV show and I nominate Justin Bieber or Ariana Grande Latte for the title role – Pajiba

Here’s the cover that Ashlee Simpson, who couldn’t sell her wedding pictures to anyone, is attacking with her chin in a violent rage – ICYDK

Kimye is trying to have publicity stunt #2 – Popsugar

I love a good blow job view picture – The Berry

Adam from Girls has never watched GirlsHuffPo

Nesam Pedrad lied to Kim Kartrashian’s face – OMG Blog

I see that Emily Thorne from Revenge let Wiggy Azalea borrow her wig – Just Jared

I hate my eyeballs today and could punch them for mistaking Lady CaCa for CoCoSOW

Pic: W Magazine

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Open Post: Hosted By The Trash Vigilante Of Russia

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Dlisted was hit with some tech issues for most of the day and just when I was about to pluck out my last crotch hair, someone sent me this video of a vigilante on a bike who searches the streets of Russia for trash throwing pieces of trash and gives them a sour taste of their own medicine by throwing their crap back at them. It’s a great way to take out your frustrations and I’d do the same thing, but I don’t leave the house and if I did that around here I’d get shot. This does come off as kind of fake and staged, because it feels too convenient, nobody shoots her and nobody’s drinking vodka. It’s Russia. They should all be drinking vodka. Dah.

If she’s the real thing, her name is probably Bette Midler and she should start patrolling Calabasas, CA. As soon as she saw Kim Kardashian get out of a car, she’d throw that piece of trash right back in. This world needs a real hero like that.

via HuffPo (Thanks Benjamin)

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