Archives: September 2014

Open Post: Hosted By The Amy Winehouse Statue In Camden

September 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Today would’ve been Amy Winehouse’s 31st birthday and to pay tribute to her life, her daddy Mitch Winehouse, her mom Janis Winehouse and their gorgeous and glamorous family friend Barbara Windsor unveiled the life-size statue of her in the London neighborhood she used to rule: Camden. Mitch Winehouse told The Guardian that he was fully involved in the making of the Amy Winehouse statue and he worked hard to get the memorial up in Camden:

“It’s a day of incredibly mixed emotions. They don’t put statues up for people who are with us anymore so it reinforces the fact that physically she’s gone but spiritually she’ll never leave us. I feel sad, very, very sad. We shouldn’t be here but we are, this is the reality and we’ve just got to make the most of it. So this statue is part of making the most of it. Getting people to come here, spend some time with Amy and put a flower in her hair and remember her in a very positive way. That for me is wonderful. I’ll be coming to visit it all the time. It was difficult to see the sculpture at first but I’m getting used to it. It looks just beautiful.”

Never mind that the statue looks more like a skinny ass Minnie Driver trying to balance a giant walnut on her head, where are her tattoos?! A bare and tattoo-less Amy Winehouse is like a bulge-less Jon Hamm. It’s not right. Somebody needs to graffiti a few tattoos that sculpture and it needs a whole lot of Sharpie eyeliner. I couldn’t find any pictures that show the back of this sculpture but I’ll be really disappointed if it doesn’t have a string, that when pulled, screams “Blaaaaaaaaaake” so loud that it echoes all through Camden.



So Here’s That Video Of Kanye West Telling A Dude In A Wheelchair To Stand Up

September 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Yesterday, Allison wrote about how egotistical ass lip clamp Kanye West yelled at a fan in a wheelchair to stand up during his show in Sydney on Friday night and now here’s the video. The video is where awkward goes to feel even more awkward.

As Allison said yesterday, Kuntye stopped performing and refused to go on unless everybody in the audience got on their feet. It’s a little funny when the douche who is in dire, dire need of a seat tells everyone to get off of theirs. When some fans don’t get up, Kanye singles them out in front of everyone and demands to know why one fan is not getting up. Kanye keeps asking if he’s in a wheelchair and the whole thing is a cringe-inducing mess. It’s like a parody written by Christopher Guest.

I hate it when I go to a show and the trick onstage is telling me to stand up, clap, sing along, dance, put my left foot in, put my left foot out, etc… Bitch, I paid you. If I want to sit down and sip on my beer while quietly braiding my pubes, then take my money and let me. If I’m going to get up and sing and dance on your command, then you better give me a percentage of the house.

I thought Yeezus was supposed to be the son of God? If Kanye’s going to claim that he’s the chosen one and is a God, then he needs to make sure that the dude in the wheelchair he’s screaming at to stand up is actually a paid assistant who can walk and will jump up and say, “I can walk! I can walk! It’s a miracle! Yeezus healed me! Yeezus is real!Oral Roberts needs to heal himself back to life so he can teach Kanye how it’s really done.

Elisabetta Canalis Married A Surgeon

September 14, 2014 / Posted by:

The humanized BEHR Premium Plus paint sample (in color: Basic Khaki) known as LC from The Hills and Laguna Beach got married in CA on Saturday and Cheyenne Jackson married future ex-husband #2 in Encino, CA, but the weekend’s biggest celebrity wedding happened in Italy. One of George Clooney’s former awards season escorts Elisabetta Canalis (or “Who?” as George Clooney calls her) married American orthopedic surgeon Brian Perri in Sardinia, Italy today. That’s George Clooney’s cue to scrap all plans for his stupid wedding in Italy, because the superstar Italian wedding of the century happened today and it can’t be topped.

While looking like everyone’s first communion threw up on her, Elisabetta became somebody’s wife at a cathedral in the town of Alghero. A source told UsWeekly (no, they didn’t) that guests nearly swooned out of their chonies when Brian said to his future wife, “I promise to love and honor you and not totally judge you for fucking Steve-O for relevancy.“ Elisabetta Canalis is a true inspiration. When Steve-O dumped her ass, I figured her twat would respond by dragging her body to the nearest convent where it’d declare celibacy for the rest of eternity, because how in the hell do you recover after getting rejected by Steve-O?! But Elisabetta dusted the embarrassment off of her chocha and kept on hustling until she became a doctor’s wife.

So now that two (Elisabetta and Stacy Keibler) of Clooney’s Magnificent Three are married, that leaves my favorite and the original Sarah Larson. I hope that on Clooney’s wedding day, Sarah Larson snatches all the spotlights away from him by eloping in Laughlin, NV. Clooney thinks that every tabloid cover will belong to him, but if the way more relevant Sarah Larson got married on the same day, he’d be lucky to get a blurb on the back page of the PennySaver.

Pics: Splash

Lindsay Lohan Personally Handled Whitney Houston’s Body Bag, So Says Lindsay Lohan

September 14, 2014 / Posted by:

It’s been a long time (read: like 5 minutes) since the freckled bag of delusion spit out a lie-stuffed crack rock and she’s really making up for lost lies by shitting out a big one.

When LiLo violated her probation in 2011 by drunk driving, she was sentenced to four months of community service in the L.A. County Morgue. They sent her to work in the morgue, because they wanted her to see the place she’d send people if she kept drunk driving and because corpses lack this thing called “being alive” which means they can sort of stand being around her. While talking to The Telegraph about that play in London she’s going to get fired from, her time in the morgue was brought up and LiLo said that it was inappropriate for the courts to send her there. A lot of people actually agree with her, because dead people have been through enough. LiLo also made the spirit of Nippy slap the coke buzz out of her head by saying that she personally rolled Whitney Houston’s body bag. This bitch would name drop the names of dead people for attention:

The California courts had decided that her sentence for drink driving and violation of probation should include not only jail time but 12-hour shifts in a morgue. For four months, she worked from 4am to 4pm. It was, as she puts it, “F’d up and inappropriate – because a lot of other people were meant to do it, and they were like: ‘No, they can’t handle it. Lohan can.’ It’s different for me than it would be for other people – like, no one would really have to work at the morgue in LA and roll a body bag for Whitney Houston.”

I’m assuming that this mess means she just rolled a body bag and didn’t actually handle Whitney Houston’s body. If LiLo was allowed anywhere near Nippy’s body, we’d know it. First of all, she’d tweet selfies of her with Nippy’s dead body and TMZ would’ve thrown up a story about how Whitney Houston’s internal organs went missing and it seems like something or someone snorted all the blood out of her body.

To quote Whitney, “Lindsay, I wanna see the receipts!” LiLo probably can’t show us the receipts because the black kid’s got ‘em. So instead I’ll show the receipts that prove that LiLo is most likely doing what she does worst: LIE! Here’s pictures of LiLo with The Curious Case of Ali Lohan and her brother in NYC on Saturday, February 11, 2012, the day that Whitney Houston died 2,800 miles away in Beverly Hills, CA.

Pics: Splash

The LAPD Handcuffed Actress Daniele Watts After She Kissed Her White Husband In Public

September 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Happy 44th Birthday to Clayton Moore! Have you seen that hot new movie The Blob? When I see you at the malt shop later, Daddy-O, I’ll give you the Connie Francis record you let me borrow. I mean, black women are being questioned by the cops for kissing white dudes in public, so we’re obviously still stuck in the 50s, right?

Actress Daniele Watts, who played Coco in Django Unchained and is in the FX show Partners, says that last Thursday in Studio City, CA, the cops harassed her and put her into handcuffs after they mistook her for a hooker. Daniel’s husband Brian James Lucas, who’s white, tells TMZ that some dumb fuck saw them kissing inside of their car and figured that she was a hooker and he was her john. Their car was parked outside of CBS Studios. She was there to meet with a director. The dumb fuck called the police and the police showed up. Daniele claims that after she kissed her husband in the car, she got out of the car and started talking to her dad on the phone while standing on the sidewalk. As she talked to him, the cops approached her and asked to see her ID. They also asked to see her husband’s ID. Brian gave the cops his ID, but Daniele refused because she didn’t do anything wrong. The cops handcuffed her and made her sit in the back of their car. Daniele wrote all about this mess on Facebook (click here to read it). The cops eventually let Daniele go when they found out who she is.


Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 14, 2014 / Posted by:

The surprise guest in this cat video!

Cats are silly bitches who are permanently on drugs and are easily entertained by simple, stupid things like cardboard boxes, humans and plastic bags full of stuff. So this video starts out with a cat doing what cats do. That cat’s just playing with another thing put on this planet to entertain it when BOOM, that plastic bag comes alive and that cat nearly jumps out of its fur coat. (“I haven’t seen a trick get THAT spooked by a pussy since my first date with Johnny!” – Kelly Preston)

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, lying on a bed, wanting to scare a cat? The puss in that plastic bag obviously does, because it totally got high from spooking its friend. That plastic bag cat is probably a dog in a Morris the Cat costume. It gets extra HSOTD points for being a ginger.

And I’m not totally sure, but this could be a weird PSA for California’s plastic bag ban.

via Tastefully Offensive


Birthday Sluts

September 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Dan Cortese (47)
Jessica Brown Findlay (25)
Logan Henderson (25)
Katie Lee (33)
Ashley Roberts (33)
Ben Cohen (36)
Carmen Kass (36)
Ryan Sutter (40)
Andrew Lincoln (41)
Nas (41)
Kimberly Williams-Paisley (43)
Michelle Stafford (46)
Faith Ford (50)
Melissa Leo (54)
Morten Harket (55)
Sam Neill (67)
Joey Heatherton (70)
Zoe Caldwell (81)
Amy Winehouse (1983-2011)


Open Post: Hosted By Russell Crowe’s Not-The-One Son Telling Him Off At A Rugby Game

September 13, 2014 / Posted by:

Someone caught Russell Crowe and his 10-year-old son Charles during an intimate father-and-son bonding moment at an Australian rugby game recently, and I hope Russell has never questioned the paternity of his son, because this kid definitely fell from Russell Crowe’s rage-filled nutsack. I guess their team scored a touch-down or a wallaby-woo or whatever they do in Australian rugby, because everyone is cheering like they just got vouchers for a free Bloomin’ Onion at the Outback Steakhouse. Russell thinks this might be a good time to turn to his son to tell him something (“Hey buddy, you listen to that 30 Odd Foot of Grunts CD I slipped under your door yet?“), but it turns out Charles ran out of fucks to give in the first quarter and yells at his father: “Get OUT of my FACE!” while making ‘you need to fucking STOP’ hands. Those hands mean business; it’s a good thing there wasn’t a telephone nearby.

I love Charles Crowe for many reasons: he does NOT play, he’s not here for chatty assholes ruining his rugby experience, he’s only 10-years-old and already he knows how to shut a bitch down in two languages (English and Hands). But most of all, I love him because he sort of reminds me of Rudy Giuliani’s no-fucks-given son Andrew.


Martha Stewart Says Gwyneth Paltrow Should Stick To Acting And Stop Trying To Be Martha Stewart

September 13, 2014 / Posted by:

YAAAASS! It’s that time again where someone asks Martha Stewart what she thinks about human bottle of organic unflavored coconut water Gwyneth Paltrow and she takes a giant messy 800-threadcount Martha Stewart Collection shit on her. WARNING: High levels of heart-warming verbal poetry ahead.

When asked for the 1,948th time about insufferable bed-making expert Gwyneth Paltrow and her never-ending quest to become America’s Next Top Snobby Blonde Lifestyle Pimp, Martha Stewart made sure to serve up a piping-hot slice of shade pie with Goopy’s name on it. Galina Reznikov’s posh Polish equivalent told Net-a-Porter’s Porter magazine (via Page Six) that the only person Goopy Paltrow should be giving life advice to is Iron Man and the showtune-shouting teenagers on Glee:

“She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart.”

The shade, the beautiful slow-simmered shade of it all. Actually, is that even shade? She pretty much straight-up calls a bitch out. Although just once I wish Martha would serve her cuntberries raw instead of cooking them into a sweet preserve. I truly look forward to the day when someone asks her about Gwyneth Paltrow and she rolls her eyes and hisses: “That bitch can lick my asshole. NEXT QUESTION!”

And even the most obtuse dum-dum knows by now how Martha Stewart feels about Gwyneth Paltrow (ie. she enjoys her in the same way one would enjoy a Sriracha enema), so are reporters just trolling her at this point when they ask her about Goopy? If so, I need to send every reporter who interviews Martha Stewart a muffin basket from here on out, because I can’t thank them enough for their contributions to the world of journalism.

Jay-Z Might Have Let It Slip That Beyoncé Might Be Knocked-Up

September 13, 2014 / Posted by:

I stared at this picture of Beyoncé boarding a plane in France for a good 15 minutes in an attempt to determine whether she was breaking in her Publicity’s Choice 1st trimester pillow or just wearing a roomy sweater. My verdict? I’m sorry your honor, but I couldn’t come to a decision because I was too distracted by the busted sticker-looking mess on her arms and leg. Good god girl, step away from the stickers! You look like a damn daycare!

According to MediaTakeOut, Jay-Z might have spilled they Bey-eans (I hate myself for typing that, don’t worry) last night during one of their final “On The Run” concerts in Paris. Joe Camel reportedly hinted that a certain someone might be knocked-up with the second chosen Illuminati child when he changed the lyrics to the song “Beach is Better” from “Niggas asking if the oven’s on” to “Niggas asking, cause she pregnant with another one“. If you have family who live in Paris, now is the time to call them and make sure they’re still alive after the massive tsunami of Bumblebey tears fell from their eyes and destroyed the city.

Jay-Z never actually names Beyoncé as the one with fetus fever, so for all we know he could be rapping about Duchess Kate and the recent announcement that she’s pregnant with her second royal freeloader. But it’s probably about Beyoncé. “Everything is about Beyoncé” – Beyoncé.

Call me a skeptic, but I don’t think Yawn-cé is currently renting her womb to Blue Ivy’s sister or brother. Announcing your pregnancy by changing the lyrics to a song is a classic stunt queen move, but it’s not nearly dramatic enough. This is probably more of a pre-announcement announcement. When Jay-Z says she’s “pregnant with another one“, he’s not using the word pregnant to describe being knocked-up; that clever camel is using the alternate definition of pregnant, as in “full of meaning; significant or suggestive”. A week later, Beyoncé will post a picture of a First Response piss-stick with the caption: “The test came back positive! I’m pregnant…WITH A NEW ALBUM!!!!” Then when the album finally comes out (titled BEY-BY NO. 2) the album art will be a picture of a sonogram and the first music video will be footage of Blue Ivy holding her hair back as she throws up into a toilet. It’s all about the long game for Bey.

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