For those of you thinking “Harpo, who dis woman-looking piece of salt water taffy??“, Meghan Trainor is the girl who sings that “All About That Bass” song that’s been assaulting your eardrums for several weeks. She also appears to be what you’d get if a 7th Heaven-era Ashlee Simpson queefed on a bag of Bunny Mix M&Ms. Or a come-to-life sidewalk chalk picture of a birthday cake.
Either way, 20-year-old Meghan Trainor admitted to Billboard that even thought she’s all about that body positivity and loving yourself and shit, she doesn’t want you to think it’s because she’s a feminist (cut to Emma Watson face-palming so hard she leaves a permanent hand-print in her forehead):
Now, Trainor has become a model of self-acceptance for kids across the globe. “I got up at six this morning to reply to fan letters and Instagram posts,” she says. “I don’t consider myself a feminist, but I’m down for my first opportunity to say something to the world to be so meaningful. If you asked me, ‘What do you want to say?’ it would be, ‘Love yourself more.’”
Um, excuse you, Megan-with-an-H, but have you learned NOTHING from Beyoncé?? Feminism is OK now because Beyoncé said it was, remember? You made Beyoncé cry sad salty feminist tears today Meghan.
But honestly, Megan-with-an-H is only 20-years-old; she’s basically a fetus with eyeliner, so of course she’s not a “feminist”. She’s too busy replying to fan letters and Instagram posts to learn what the word means! So instead she just makes some vague excuse for why she hasn’t yet learned the definition of the word. Just like Shailene Woodley! Maybe we should make up a new word to describe someone who isn’t a feminist, but isn’t entirely sure why they’re not? That way they wouldn’t spend so much time making up weird reasons to defend their ignorance. Maybe like, “feminotsure” or “feminaskmeinacoupleyears“. It would save so much time!
The Internet has Lindsay Lohan’d us again. Next you’re going to tell me that Charlo Greene is an actress from L.A., her real name is Kimberly Brown, she’s never smoked weed in her life and that station in Alaska hired her to pull that scripted stunt so they’d beat their rivals in the Anchorage local news ratings war! Then you’re going to tell me that the Frankenstein helmet on The Long Island Medium’s head isn’t a communication device for the dead. What to believe?!
When the story of the 21-year-old demure Florida daisy with a third tit implant made the rounds yesterday, some of us squinted at it the same way I squint at a picture from a Grindr trick that looks like his head pasted on Zac Efron’s body. I wanted to believe, but deep down I knew it was made of one hundred percent pure lies. Something in the third tit wasn’t clean about Jasmine Tridevil’s story. Jasmine wouldn’t give up the name of the back alley plastic surgeon who did it, because she claims they made her sign a confidentiality agreement and her trio of tits situation looked a little too perfect. Well, those truth sniffers at Snopes got to the bottom of it and exposed Jasmine Tridevil and her tres chichi as frauds.
Quick, grab the magnifying glasses! Wait, no – we’re going to need more advanced picture analysis technology than that! Grab your coat, we’re going to the CSI forensic lab! I need Horatio Caine to enhance-enhance-enhance this picture of Beyoncé’s alleged Blue Ivy bey-by bump, because I’m having trouble making out the pillow seams with my naked eye.
Her Highness Beyoncé finally released the home movies music video that played during Bey and Jay-Z’s performance of “Forever Young/Halo” every night of the We Want Money tour, and as you can see the biggest highlight was a grainy clip of Bey and Jay showing off Bey’s fetus factory. Oh boy, my tolerance for these two stunt queens is already pretty low, but this is just bey-yond. I know this is supposed to be real, true proof of Beyoncé renting out her womb to Blue Ivy, but I’m still not convinced. SHOW ME THE RECEIPTS, BEY! Specifically the one for the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Baby!™ lifelike prosthetic third trimester bump you’re wearing.
I’m sure the bump Bey is sporting above is real (no I’m not), but it’s still a little too suspicious. The way Bey is holding her hands reminds me of when drag queens try to disguise the neckline of their breastplate by wearing a distracting necklace. There’s a rubber seam under that arm shadow, I just know it! Of course, we’ll never see the lower seam because it’s covered up by that sexy diaper thing she’s wearing.
But the bigger question here is…for why are Bey and Jay posing like every pregnant couple I’ve seen on Pinterest?? You know the ones, where the woman is always naked and done up in full hair and makeup and the dude looks like he just took a break from playing Xbox Live? “Oh, is this like a special memories kind of thing? Did you want me to change out of my cargo shorts or something?”
And here’s the full video, including a bunch of clips of Blue Ivy being adorable:
“Trust me, you’re the perfect woman for Tom Cruise”. - Steve O
Whisper sweet nothings in my gear. – johnny boy
Yesterday, Buzzfeed posted about a red velvet corn dog (the baked overused tampon-looking ass thing in the top right) made by food blogger The Vulgar Chef and that led me to his Instagram where I got stuck in a giant dumpster of captions that speak to my soul and food shit that looks like a cross between crap found in the bottom of the most used Port-A-Potty at a county fair in the South and gourmet delicacies Mama June would make if she was a contestant on Top Chef. The Vulgar Chef cooks up shit that only looks delicious to your mouth if you’re stoned, drunk or your last name is Spears. But his captions really sell that mess. On the top left is a burger thing that looks like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a DIY abortion wrapped in a botched circumcision and The Vulgar Chef describes it with these words of pure poetry:
Just entered this fat titty fuck burger into a shitty fucking contest. Ground sirloin, smoked chipotle mayo, lemon garlic butter on fucking everything, Parmesan charred romaine lettuce, and a Kim Kardashian nipple sized slice of smoked Gouda. Yeah Kim. I saw the leaked pictures. That nipple-to-tit ratio is all fucked up. Looks like someone duct taped some salami to a couple of rotten pumpkins. The nipples are almost bigger than the tit area.
On the bottom left is a pickle that looks like it needs a priest, three jumbo shots of liquid Valtrex and a Hazmat soaking bath. Most free clinic doctors in the L.A. area will tell you that pickle is in “post-Paris Hilton condition.” The Vulgar Chef describes this Snooki wet dream like this:
Just your average caramel covered pickle with M&M’s all over that filthy little slut. One of the stranger things I have tasted. I’ve seen chocolate covered pickles, but fuck that shit. The chocolate cock has been jerked for too long. It’s caramels turn to bust a nut.
How is he not writing the menu descriptions for EVERY restaurant? Why is he not on the Food Network but Guy Fieri is? Why am I actually considering making that gross ass, heart attack-inducing hot dog mozzarella ball sandwich on the bottom right? These are the questions we should all be asking today.
Bruce Springsteen (65)
Trinidad James (27)
Anneliese van der Pol (30)
Natalie Horler of Cascada (33)
Erik-Michael Estrada (35)
Anthony Mackie (36)
Liberty Ross (36)
Kip Pardue (39)
Layzie Bone (39)
Sarah Bettens of K’s Choice (42)
Jermaine Dupri (42)
Ani DiFranco (44)
Chi McBride (53)
Elizabeth Peña (53)
Jason Alexander (55)
Rosalind Chao (57)
George C. Wolfe (60)
Mary Kay Place (67)
Paul Petersen (69)
Julio Iglesias (71)
Tom Lester (76)
Juliette Lewis is one of the only disciples of L. Ron Hubbard I can stand (besides John Travolta’s wig, of course) because she doesn’t shit at the mouth about Scientology that much and because she was in the underrated TV jewel I Married Dora. But today, I nearly crushed the Thetans that live under my eyelids by rolling my eyes at the shit she said about why Scientology gets hate from the media.
During an interview with The Daily Beast, Juliette was asked about the biggest misconceptions about Scientology. Juliette said that Scientology is a self-help movement and the mainstream media will never write anything truthful about it, because they’re funded by Big Pharma and Tom Cruise spoke out against the pharmaceutical industry when he ranted about Brooke Shields taking anti-depressants to deal with postpartum depression (among other things). Juliette adjusted her tin foil bonnet and barfed this up:
I’ll get all conspiratorial on you, and I’m just going to throw this out: The mainstream media is funded by pharmaceutical companies, so when you have the biggest movie star in the world at the time—Tom Cruise—coming out against anti-depressants and Ritalin and just saying, “Hey, why don’t you put a warning label on there?” The thing about Scientology is it is anti-drug in that you’re seeking relationship or communication tools—simple basics on how to live better. So, when Tom came out about that, I’ve never seen someone get torn down so hard, and they still brutalize him with Scientology pieces to this day. It’s a religious philosophy and self-help movement. And you’ll never see a truthful word written about it in mainstream media.
Yes, it was little ole’ Tommy Girl who almost brought down the zillion dollar pharmaceutical industry by shitting on anti-depressants. If anything, Tommy Girl’s rant put more money into the pockets of those greedy ass Big Pharma bitches, because some of us needed to snort crushed Prozac cut with Valium after listening to him.
I can think of a million other reasons for why people hate on Scientology. Off the top of my head, I hate on Scientologists, because they probably see John Travolta all the time in the auditing waiting room and shit and they never tell him to shave those gross pubes off of his face. So answer that, glib ass Juliette.
I was beginning to think (“Bitch, don’t ever ‘think’ about Pimp Mama Kris and her harem of demon whores” – you) that Pimp Mama Kris and Bruce Jenner’s break-up was just another choreographed stunt and that she and he would renew their vows on the season finale of Krapping Up The Kartrashians. We’d all gasp when PMK lifted Bruce Jenner’s white veil and revealed his perfectly applied lip gloss, waterproof mascara and A+++ foundation game. But that’s not going to happen, because TMZ says that PMK filed for divorce in L.A. today and Bruce Jenner is going to file his response sometime today. I’m hoping that Bruce Jenner’s official legal response looks something like this:
Yes, of course that’s written in Clinique Chubby Stick. What do you take Bruce for?
TMZ says that PMK checked “irreconcilable differences” as the reason why her marriage is as dead as her soul and she filed without a lawyer, because she and Bruce already worked everything out. A source tells TMZ (read: PMK whispered it into Harvey Levin’s ear while enjoying cactus fruit martinis together at their usual table at Trader Vic’s) that PMK, Bruce and their business managers spent months splitting everything up. They didn’t have a prenup and neither will pay each other spousal support. They’ll share joint custody of 17-year-old KYJelly Jenner.
PMK listed June 1, 2013 as their separation date and the law states that any money she made after that date is hers and any money he made after that date is his.
This is too amicable and that evil life-sucking monster doesn’t do anything amicably. This is probably what really happened. PMK appeared in a cloud of black smoke in Bruce’s boudoir as he brushed his luscious ombre locks with his Mother of Pearl brush. PMK told him that she gets all the money and all the houses and he gets to walk away with his ponytail, his diamond stud earrings, his freedom, the secrets she’s been blackmailing him with for years and his nutsack. Bruce’s eyes perked up when she said, “nutsack.” PMK cackled away before telling poor Bruce that Khloe accidentally ate his nutsack a long time ago. She mistook it for freeze dried dog treats. Bruce took her deal, because he just wants to be free of those demon skanks. That’s what really happened.
And here’s PMK at LAX today where she got on a flight to an undisclosed location (the Ninth Circle) to begin shooting her new reality dating show Flavor of Kris. I kid, but you know it’s koming.
St. Angie Jolie has already chosen the next piece of Oscar bait she’ll direct. Once she finishes up directing that By The Sea shit, she’ll direct a movie called Africa about paleoanthrologist Richard Leakey (the Alan Cumming-ish-looking dude above) and his crusade against ivory poachers. That title doesn’t really work. Angie should title it GIVE ME THAT DIRECTING OSCAR ALREADY. There, that works much better. – Lainey Gossip
Can’t the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills writers write an arch for Allison the SLYCIC instead of writing these dumb ass fights? – Reality Tea
Take that, hackers. Alicia Keys posted a picture of her knocked up naked body with a peace sign on her belly, because charity, or something – Drunken Stepfather
“Why is an evil Russian villain from a Tolstoy novel picking up Leonardo DiCaprio’s award for him?” is what most of the audience at the Clinton Global Citizens awards thought to themselves when Leo got onstage – Celebitchy
In other words, Kate Hudson and Goldie Hawn get really stoned together - The Superficial
Finally, some good news in the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo world. Uncle Poodle is getting married! – Towleroad
Blake Griffin’s oiled up cum gutters almost distract my eyes from those hideous jeans – Jezebel
Now that MiserAlba’s chemical-free diaper company is worth one billion dollars, does this mean that she’ll stop torturing us with her shitty acting? – WWTDD
The reincarnation of Marilyn Monroe lives! – Hollywood Tuna
James Blunt got married and my thoughts and prayers are with his guests if he sang “You’re Beautiful” during his and his wife’s first dance – ICYDK
This is how Sarah Hyland’s Modern Family character is celebrating Slutoween this year – Egotastic
Pimp Mama Kris is good: A man in a wheelchair (who totally isn’t a stunt man hired by PMK) crowd surfed at Kanye West’s show – Gawker
Willie Nelson’s “Bitch, don’t try to be slick” face is Willie Nelson’s best face – The Berry
What in trash bag Party City wrapping paper HELL is Hilary Duff wearing? – Popoholic
The American Horror Story: Freak Show character posters are here – OMG Blog
Adam Brody’s nips, here they are – Popsugar
Kenan Thompson is leaving Saturday Night Live at the end of the season, or maybe not – HuffPo
Bow Wow proposed to his fiancé with a stunning tanzanite ring from QVC - Just Jared
Here’s Prince Hot Ginge hugging 4-year-old Carson Hartley, who suffers from a heart condition and chronic lung disease, at the WellChild Awards in London today. Carson’s mom Kirsty Hartley told the press after this picture was taken that her son was so excited that he nearly embedded his hand print into PHG’s face:
“We were worried he was going to high-five Prince Harry in the face he was so excited. Harry got down on his knees and had a big smile on his face while he was chatting to Carson, he couldn’t believe how active he was despite all the conditions he has. He said he thought he was inspirational for still being so happy, but he also said that parents must be recognized too for how hard they work, which was really nice to hear.”
I would write more about this, but I need to go lie down, because while looking at that picture of PHG hugging a sick child, the pile of dead maggots I call a heart started to feel things and I’m not used to that.
Pics: Wenn.com, AP