It’s no secret that Ariana Grande Latte has a reputation of being an entitled, demanding fan-hating diva bitch Bratz doll in 20lbs of fake hair and a store-bought Lolita act, but now it sounds like even the people who get paid to tolerate the budget Nick Jr. version of Mariah Carey have had enough of her spoiled sexy baby bullshit. According to Page Six, Airhead Grande Hairhead’s life coach quit because he couldn’t handle her shitty attitude anymore. An insider says he was hired to keep her “centered and healthy”, but it was impossible, since she’s exactly as awful as you’d imagine a 21-year-old come-to-life Bratz doll would be:
“He just couldn’t take it anymore,” says the insider. “Everything people are saying about her is true.”
Of course, a source close to Airhead claims that the “life coach” who quit was never actually her life coach, but a choreographer who is just mad he got fired by the wigged one:
“It is nothing but a spiteful former employee that has been telling rumors around town for the last several months.”
If the “life coach” is actually a choreographer who got fired, I wonder what he got canned for? I bet he tried to take a picture of the right side of Ariana’s face. Or maybe he made the mistake of reminding her that she’s an adult woman. “Excuse me?? I’m a VERY sexy baby! YOU’RE FIRED!”
But in the event he was actually her life coach, it’s ok that he quit. The only life coach Ariana needs is her manager, Scooter Braun! I mean, look how well Justin Bieber has turned out? He could practically teach an Oprah’s master class on being a spoiled arrogant toddler!
Here’s Frankie Grande’s mega mega pop superstar sister serving up some not-right Toddlers & Tiaras realness at the Power 106 All-Star Celebrity Basketball Game yesterday. Do you ever get the feeling that Ariana Grande is just part of a long con being pulled by Chris Hansen to catch predators? I feel like at any moment, he’s going to walk on stage and ask everyone to have a take a seat.
And on this week’s episode of; Guys Who Fuck Things From Their Garden, we meet Kevin – drewbai
I don’t know, Lance’s wayward testicle says its clean but I don’t think it’s being honest . . . – Maejones
via Metro UK
Charlo Greene, the local news reporter from Alaska who really wants to be the Inetta the Moodsetta of 2014!
After reporting about the Alaskan Cannabis Club during KTVA-TV’s 10 p.m. newscast last night, reporter Charlo Green knocked the bongs off of everyone’s mouths and dropped a double bomb when she announced her support for the weed legalization movement in Alaska and revealed herself as the owner of the Alaskan Cannabis Club. DUN DUN DUN. Charlo told viewers that she will be dedicating all her time and energy to fighting the good shit fight in Alaska and then she channeled the forever queen of resignations, Inetta the Moodsetta, by quitting her job with these words: “And as for this job, well, not that I have a choice. But, fuck it, I quit.” Fun Fact: Those are the EXACT words that Sarah Palin wrote on her resignation letter when she quit her job as governor.
Charlo Greene (Her last name is GREENE, the people watching KTVA at 10pm on Sunday night should’ve seen this TWIST coming) tells the Alaskan Dispatch News that she decided to quit her job in an ultra dramatic way, because she wants to give her cause national media attention:
“Because I wanted to draw attention to this issue. And the issue is medical marijuana. Ballot Measure 2 is a way to make medical marijuana real … most patients didn’t know the state didn’t set up the framework to get patients their medicine. If I offended anyone, I apologize, but I’m not sorry for the choice that I made.”
KTLA apologized for the fuck bomb in this statement:
“We sincerely apologize for the inappropriate language used by a KTVA reporter during her live presentation on the air tonight. The employee has been terminated.”
Whoever wrote that statement obviously got into the stash that Charlo hid in the bottom drawer of her desk, because they can’t fire her. SHE QUIT, you dumbasses!
This is almost better than Inetta’s iconic I QUIT THIS BITCH moment. When Inetta quit that bitch, I could feel papers in the HR department fly off of desks. But Charlo Greene is still an Alaskan hero, because she did what most of us have wanted to do at least once in our lives and she quit her job in the name of medical grade weed. This would’ve been perfect if she pulled off her tiny mic and dropped it at the very end.
And the anchor’s “The hell just happened?” face says it all. Bitch went out in a blaze and I mean that in more ways than one
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Even though they’re usually designed to look like a less-fun adult Disney World (Moving walkways! Souvenir stands! A futuristic photobooth that can see thought your clothes and take a picture of your junk!), there’s nothing magical about the airport. It’s boring as shit! There’s nothing to do besides getting drunk on $19 beers and eating stale plates of $30 nachos at Chili’s Too. But it looks like Zoe Saldana found a way to kill time before her flight that didn’t involve stepping foot inside that airport hellhole. Zoe posted a video to Instagram of her and her hot Fabio-haired hipster husband Marco Perego trying to bust a stripper move inside one of the people movers at the Washington Dulles airport with the caption:
“Let’s do that again!!! Absolute boredom at #Dulles airport. #poledancing is difficult under these conditions Hahahaha”
I know Zoe is pregnant with two babies, but that’s no excuse for such busted sloppy moves! Good lord Zoe, what was that even? She looks like me every time someone dares my clumsy ass to slide down a fireman’s pole (not a euphemism). Fetus fever is no excuse for not bringing your top-shelf slut game! I’ve known strippers in their third trimester who could still whip around like total pros. The trick is to use your hands to protect your womb (safety first!) while you grip the pole with your coochie lips. Don’t they teach this shit in childbirth classes?
(via E! News)
Every time I hear about former Fugees member Lauryn Hill taking a giant messy life shit, all I can think of is Sister Mary Clarence giving her a ‘good god girl, get your shit together’ face. According to The Independent, it all started when Lauryn Hill pulled a Lauryn Hill by showing up to her 8:30pm show at the O2 Brixton Academy last night an hour and a half late. DUH! It takes time to look like an Amish Project Runway Diana Ross.
Sensing that the crowd was starting to get impatient waiting for the elusive tax-paying chanteuse to arrive, Lauryn’s warm-up DJ Tieks decided to hype up the crowd by asking if any of them were from the West Coast…of America. A gesture that made no goddamned sense to the UK audience:
So the sequel to The Fappening happened yesterday (The Fappening 2: Electric Lube-aloo), and included on the list of celebrities who’s titty pics were leaked was Isis from Bring It On, aka Gabrielle Union. And just like you can sort of tell in this picture above, Gabrielle wasn’t here for that shit. Instead of pulling a Shaggy like Ariana Grande and Victoria Justice did and claiming “IT WASN’T ME” in the stolen nipple pics, TMZ says that Gabrielle has told her legal team to call up the FBI. Gabrielle also decided to publicly address the situation by releasing a joint statement with her husband Dwayne Wade, in which they slap at the pic-hacking asshole responsible and offer support to everyone else who found pics of their parts online yesterday:
“It has come to our attention that our private moments, that were shared and deleted solely between my husband and myself, have been leaked by some vultures. I can’t help but to be reminded that since the dawn of time women and children, specifically women of color, have been victimized, and the power over their own bodies taken from them. These atrocities against women and children continue worldwide. For anyone out there also being affected by these and other hacking and hate crimes – We send our love, support and prayers. We have done nothing wrong.”
Meanwhile, Kim Kardashian is putting together a gift basket filled with Hooker’s Choice Diskount Spray Tanner and Executive TRAMP-brand too-tight stripper skirts as a way to say thanks for cutting out the middle man (Pimp Mama Kris) and saving her some time.
It sounds like already there are already people who need Gabrielle and Dwayne’s love and support; TMZ says that early this morning, hacked pictures of Rihanna made their way onto the internet. How DARE that hacker! THE AUDACITY! There are plenty of pictures of Princess Ooh-Na-Na’s nipples on the internet; they didn’t have to start stealing from her personal stash! That’s dark-sided! Rihanna is kind enough to share pictures of her intergalactic fuck parts, but you have to ask first! “Please Princess RiRi, may I see your beautiful Barbadian booby balls?” Only RiRi should get to decide who sees her outer space nipple pellets!
In case you’re wondering, he maybe got secret married to the one on the left; I thought I’d specify, because if you’re anything like me, you heard the words TOM HARDY and MARRIED and secretly hoped it was to a dog. No, according to the Mirror, Tom Hardy (seen here wearing what appears to be a pair of jeans he got from an NSYNC garage sale back in 2003) got secretly married to his girlfriend of 5 years Charlotte Riley over two months ago. Secret weddings – so hot right now!
A source claims the two tied the knot on July 4th at a fancy-ass 18th Century castle in the South of France in front of a small group of friends and family, including Tom’s six-year-old son Louis with actress Rachael Speed. No word on whether their dog Woodstock (seen above, looking all kinds of adorable) took part in the ceremony, but I’ll just assume he was the best man, because imagining a dog in a doggy-tuxedo is a mental picture that always takes me higher.
Charlotte has admitted in the past that she always wanted to get married, but that she would never plan an obnoxiously tacky charade of a wedding like some people, saying: “We are desperate to do it, but I’ll never have a celebrity wedding. It will be low-key, with family and friends.” And it sounds like that’s exactly what they got. A “family source” (aka chatty Aunt Carol) told The Sun:
“It was a beautiful, low-key day made even more special because they just had their closest friends and family around them.Tom’s son Louis played a key role during the ceremony. And they made certain to pick a stunning and private setting. There was nothing flash about the wedding, they always said they wanted it to be about the two of them and their family rather than any grand gesture.”
Oh, Aunt Carol – that gossip-loving trick. Tom and Charlotte try to hold a low-key secret wedding and you run off and spill the beans to the press. You can’t ever trust Aunt Carol! Aunt Carol will un-secret your secret every time! And yet, that loose-lipped bitch still said NOTHING about Woodstock! Goddamn it, Carol, get your shit together! I wanna know about Woodstock! Did he get so drunk at the reception that he tried to hump the priest’s leg? Come on Carol, spill it!
The tension-taming calm goddess on the box of Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer tea!
The other day I was in the tea aisle at Target and I could hear the sound of Miss Coco Peru, famed drag artiste and star of Trick, disappointedly shaking her head back and forth while snapping her lips in disgust, because they didn’t have any Celestial Seasonings Tension Taymuh tea. Last year around the holiday times, Miss Coco Peru was feeling the tension, so she began her journey to find the elusive Tension Taymuh tea and she documented her adventures and put it on her YouTube channel. SPOILER ALERT: Her adventures had a sad, tragic, ending because she never found it.
So every time I’m in the tea section of any store, I look for Tension Tamer tea and I’ve never found it either. Why the hell don’t stores in the L.A. area want bitches to tame their tension? If they’re not going to sell the good shit at Target, they should at least sell Tension Tamer tea. It’s a government and pharmaceutical industry conspiracy, obviously. They want us to turn to Xanax and Valium to tame our tension when we can’t find any Tension Tamer tea! No wonder everyone is fucking crazy around here. They don’t have Tension Tamer tea to calm their asses. Hmmm, I wonder if your tension will really be tamed if you smoke Tension Tamer tea since mostly everything is better when smoked. I’ll never find out because I’ll never find a box of Tension Tamer tea.
I don’t know why nerds slobber over that Khaleesi chick from Game of Thrones. The calm maiden in the stunning red gown on the box of Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer tea is the true Queen of the Dragons. She tamed that dragon so hard that she can use it as a sofa to sit on while she sips her Tension Tamer tea.
If you haven’t seen Miss Coco Peru’s quest for Tension Tamer tea, here it is below. It’s tense, so it’s best to watch while sipping some Tension Tamer tea and if you don’t have any of that, watch it while snorting some crushed Valium like the pharmaceutical companies want you to!
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