Archives: September 2014

Birthday Sluts

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Jennifer Tilly (56)
Nick Jonas (22)
Teddy Geiger (26)
Travis Wall (27)
Ian Harding (28)
Max Minghella (29)
Madeline Zima (29)
Sabrina Bryan (30)
Katie Melua (30)
Alexis Bledel (33)
Amy Poehler (43)
Tamron Hall (44)
Marc Anthony (46)
Rossy de Palma (50)
Molly Shannon (50)
Richard Marx (51)
Orel Hershiser (56)
David Copperfield (58)
Mickey Rourke (62)
Ed Begley Jr. (65)
George Chakiris (80)
B.B. King (89)

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Night Crumbs

September 15, 2014 / Posted by:

The first shots from Brangelina’s very own Eyes Wide Shut called By The Sea are out and judging by these pictures, the movie’s investors must be really happy since they’re saving a lot of money in the budget by not having to buy food or soap  - Lainey Gossip 

Kandi Burruss might have a baby growing in her and if she does, I can’t wait to see the episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta where Mama Joyce tries to fight the baby after calling it a gold digger – Reality Tea

This Means War ruined romantic comedies for Tom HardyCelebitchy

Nicki Minaj’s old high school is missing out, because she could’ve let the science department examine the mysteries of her Fix-A-Flat ass – WWTDD

Dear Ariana Grande Latte, Brit Brit did it better – Drunken Stepfather

Snoop Dogg really needs to change his weed strain, because the one he’s currently smoking isn’t doing good things to his brain – Towleroad

It looks like Nicki Minaj’s ass has an ass - The Superficial

So what kind of foolery did Urban Outfitters pull today to get free publicity? – Gawker

And that overcooked crow Wendy Williams ate probably has more life in it than Kim and Kanye’s fake marriage – Jezebel

Selena Gomez got bangs – Popoholic

While scrolling, scrolling, scrolling and scrolling some more through this mega list of Madge’s best magazine covers, I kept saying to myself, “That Interview cover of her looking like a masturbating Clockwork Orange clown better be in the top..” – Boy Culture

The double dose of fetus growing in Zoe Saldana’s body has grown some more – ICYDK

Photoshop did wonders for Lindsay Lohan’s Wonderland Magazine spread – Hollywood Tuna

I’d hit ‘em all – The Berry

Holly Montag (Remember her? I won’t judge you too much if you shake your head yes) got married – Popsugar

You’d probably get the heaves if I asked you if you’d dieu Gerard Depardieu, but would it change your mind if I told you that he probably cums wine? – Pajiba

A Zoolander sequel is happening maybe – OMG Blog

I know what you’re going to do in two summers and it won’t include seeing the I Know What You Did Last Summer reboot – Just Jared

Pic: EW

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Open Post: Hosted By Rita Ora’s Subtle And Demure T-Shirt

September 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Here’s Rita Ora leaving a London Fashion Week event on Saturday night looking like a cross between a cracked out, broke off, dozed off hooker Teletubby and a cracked out, broke off, dozed off hooker Pebbles Flinstone. From the bodyguard’s “Are you serious with that busted Patsy Stone-on-a-budget makeup?” side-eye to Rita using the ends of her hair as bangs, there’s too much to take in here, so I’m going to go straight to the shirt that speaks to all of us. That shirt cost $225, but if you don’t feel like burning money by buying one, you can make your own for $0 using an old t-shirt and a red Sharpie. You should be warned, though, if you wear that shirt out in public, there’s a very good chance that Steven Bauer will jump on top of you and try to fuck it.

Pics: FameFlynet, Splash

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John Travolta Talks About The Gay Sex Allegations

September 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Just like a male massage therapist’s b-hole when John Travolta tries to tickle it with his finger, John Travolta’s mouth closes firmly shut every time someone brings up the gay rumors and he usually lets his lawyers do the talking/threatening/suing for him. But while talking to The Daily Beast about his new movie The Forger,  John dribbled out a few words when asked about the allegations from the pilot who claims to be a former gay lover of Scientology’s friendliest bear. Travolta’s alleged ex gay piece is trying to sell a book about their time together and John’s lawyers tried to stop that from happening, but they failed. The Daily Beast brought that shit up during their interview with John and surprisingly, Scientology goons didn’t rush into the room, grab the recorder from the interviewer’s hand and then drag that bitch to a cell next to Shelly Miscavige’s in a dungeon under a fortress in the desert somewhere. John didn’t deny, but he did say that those bitches are just looking for cash.

Right now, there’s this pending lawsuit from a man who claims to be your former pilot about a romantic relationship. What’s the deal with that?

This is every celebrity’s Achilles heel. It’s just about people wanting money. That’s all. It happens on many levels.

You are a high-profile figure, and as such, it seems like you get targeted a lot more than anyone else with these types of allegations.

Also, I don’t care that much about it. Other people may attack it back more than I do, but I let all the media stuff go a long time ago because I can’t control it. I think that’s why it persists, to some degree.

Do you find it offensive?

I found it most offensive with the loss of my son. I felt like that was the lowest I’d ever felt. Sex stuff is always going to be interesting to somebody, but you stay away from family. You really should. With that, I always felt like the media—not all of the media, but parts of it—went too low there.

Hmmm, no, I think it persists, because whenever John Travolta goes in for a massage, he can’t keep his paws to himself and is always trying to squeeze nature’s massage lotion out of a masseur’s crotch spigot. But whatever. The Daily Beast did ask John the questions that a lot of people don’t ask, but they didn’t ask the question that all of us want the answer to. They didn’t ask John why he continues to be a horrific animal abuser by wearing that parched, tortured, half-dead Lhasa Apso on his head.

Here’s John at the TIFF premiere of The Forger looking like The Operation man with a pile of pubes glued to his face.

Pics: Wenn.com

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One Of The Writers For OITNB Says The Show Made Her Realize She Was A Lesbian And She Left Her Husband For Poussey

September 15, 2014 / Posted by:

One of the head writers for Orange Is the New Black, Lauren Morelli (not to be confused with Lorna “Chris-TUH-fuh” Morello, who is…not a real person), recently confessed in an essay written for Identities.Mic back in May (via People) that writing about Piper Chapman getting finger-banged by Donna from That 70s Show made her realize that, despite being married to a dude, she was totally a gayelle. Oh, and that she’s in love with Poussey (aka Samira Wiley).

Lauren says that she had been married for all of 5 months when she got the job writing for OITBN, and but the second she stepped on set she knew she was ready to pawn her wedding ring for a one-way bus ticket to Downtown Pussy Town. Writing about the hot gayelle love between Piper and Donna (or Donna with glasses, whatever her character’s name is) made her think “Hmmm, maybe I don’t love dick as much as I thought I did” and she started to take a mental inventory of all the times she felt like a lesbian, which as it turned out, was all the time. So she came out as a gayelle to her husband and filed for divorce. I guess that makes her ex-husband the Larry in her life. Did anyone else all start hating Lauren’s ex-husband all of a sudden? Goddamn Larry! He’s the WORST.

Making the transition from penis to pussy can be difficult, and Lauren could have had her pick of any of the pussy-poppin’ ladies of the OITNB cast (are you looking at that flawless Macklemore hair? How could they resist!). Personally, I would have picked Flaca or Black Cindy, but Lauren chose the very adorable Samira Wiley, aka Poussey.

I’m sure some of you are wondering why Lauren didn’t celebrate her switch from dicks to dykes by adopting a “go big or go home” attitude and skipping past an entry-level lesbian like Poussey and going straight for Big Boo, but NO! That’s like learning to swim by getting thrown in the deep end of the pool! You can’t start with Big Boo! Big Boo’s pussy has a difficulty rating of 7.8! Big Boo is for experienced lesbians ONLY!

Pic: Instagram

A New Gold Digger Idol Emerges: 24-Year-Old Playboy Model Marries An 81-Year-Old Billionaire

September 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Aspiring gold diggers of the world, drop your shovels, get on your knees and worship your new role model and goddess!

A Jena Maroney dream came to life at Vienna’s Schönbrunn palace over the weekend when alleged 24-year-old Cathy Schmitz, a German Playboy model, married 81-year-old Richard Lugner, an Austrian construction mogul. Richard Lugner is that crazy billionaire who pays a different famous trick a giant pile of money to be his date to the Vienna Opera Ball every year. Richard gave 5 cent heffa whore Kim Kardashian $500,000 to be his date to the Ball last year and after he made that crazy decision, his family should’ve forced him into a mental hospital. But this weekend, Richard proved that he can still make great decisions by marrying this graceful German flower after knowing her for 6 months. Richard told The Local at his wedding that Cathy, who has a young daughter, is his fifth wife and he hopes this one sticks:

“Hopefully, this time it’s the right thing. Apart from the big age difference everything fits. Of course I argued less when I was alone, but a man needs a partner.”

I know, I shouldn’t call Cathy a gold digging goddess just yet. Hopefully, Cathy has learned from Anna Nicole’s mistakes and is going to make sure she’s in that will. Because nothing is more tragic and heartbreaking than a gold digger ending up with a handful of nothing after she’s spent months and years sucking cum dust out of a grizzled dick that looks like a wrinkle-faced bat. What am I saying? Of course this is true love and those twinkles in her dead eyes aren’t from her looking at his face and seeing the future headline that reads: 25-Year-Old Playboy Model Inherits Dead Billionaire Husband’s Entire Fortune. It’s real love. Cathy isn’t marrying that old ho for his money. She obviously doesn’t care about money since she bought her wedding dress for $8 at Party City.

And here’s more pictures of the stunning bride, who kind of looks like a Luna Lovegod doll filled with helium, and the groom who looks like Oswald Cobblepot’s pepaw.

Pics: Facebook, Wenn.com

Robin Thicke Admits He Was A Drunk Pilled-Up Mess For Most Of 2013

September 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Drug-resistant yeast infection Robin Thicke is currently in the middle of some legal shit with Marvin Gaye’s family because they claim he and dick-hatted singing rat Pharrell ripped off Marvin’s song “Got To Give It Up” for 2013′s douche anthem “Blurred Lines”. Robin and Pharrell gave their deposition way back in April, but they were kept sealed until this morning, when they were brought out in a Los Angeles court. According to The Hollywood Reporter (via Radar), it all began when lawyers for Marvin’s family brought up a quote Alan’s sleazy son gave to GQ last year where he pretty much admits that “Blurred Lines” is the cheap Chinatown knock-off of Marvin’s “Got To Give It Up”:

“Pharrell and I were in the studio and I told him that one of my favorite songs of all time was Marvin Gaye’s ‘Got to Give It Up.’ I was like, ‘Damn, we should make something like that, something with that groove.’ Then he started playing a little something and we literally wrote the song in about a half hour and recorded it.”

When lawyers remind Robin that he said this shit, Robin claims he only said what he said because he was jealous that Pharrell was going to get all the credit for the massive success of “Blurred Lines”, so he exaggerated how much involvement he actually had in the making of it. Which, according to Robin, was zero involvement, because was a Lindsay Lohan-level of coherent when they were in the studio making it.

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Katie Price Named Her Daughter “Bunny”

September 15, 2014 / Posted by:

And that is the traumatized look from a newborn baby who has just learned that her name is BUNNY.

Before Katie Price gave birth to the baby she made with her cheating skank of a third husband Kieran Hayler, she said that she planned to name her second daughter “Electra” after her idol Carmen Electra. Electra Hayler sounds like the name of a low-budget superhero that The Weather Channel created to be their new mascot. Electra Hayler is kind of a badass name, so of course Katie didn’t name her that. Because Katie is a pink-loving, Disney-obsessed 8 -year-old rich girl trapped in the body of an exquisite Real Doll (I think I just described Holly Madison too), she named her second daughter Bunny. I bet Bunny wishes she could hop her ass to the nearest courthouse to change her name. It could’ve been a lot worse. Katie tells Ok! Magazine that she wanted to name Harvey Price’s new sister Duchess Kate, because her first daughter’s name is Princess.

“We really struggled to decide on a name. I wanted to call her Duchess Kate or just Duchess, but Kieran didn’t like that, so we’ve chosen Bunny, which we both like. It’s really cute, isn’t it? I considered it being spelt Bunni with a heart above the i, but I don’t think that’s really a part of the English language. I love Duchess Kate, though, so I’ve told Kieran that if we have another daughter that will be her name! I think it goes well with Princess. She would have been Duchess Kate of Brighton.”

Princess and Bunny. Katie realizes she’s naming humans and not white teacup Bichons, right? Katie says that they also tossed around the names Disney, Lady, Precious, Bambi and Peggy. THE FUCK? Somebody stop Katie Price before she gives birth to a third daughter and names the poor child Rapunzella Tiara (Actually, that’s kind of a hot name).

But seriously, I sort of kind of like the name Bunny, because it sounds like the name of an Upper East Side socialite who eats a bowl of Xanax for breakfast, brushes her teeth with champagne, sleeps in a Chanel suit and is the inspiration for nearly every character that Christine Baranski has ever played. Bunny is also a good name, because it’s the name of gold-digging trophy wife icon Bunny Lebowski!

bunnylebowskiicon

So if somebody ever gives Bunny Hayler a look that says “I’m so sorry” after she tells them her name is Bunny Hayler, she should turn that look of pity into a look of jealousy by saying, “I was named after Bunny Lebowski, bitch.

Mayim Bialik Isn’t Here For Ariana Grande Latte Or Her Sexy Baby Stripper Act

September 15, 2014 / Posted by:

I know – I really should have said “A-List human flamingo Frankie Grande’s mega mega popstar sister“, because otherwise how would you know who I was talking about?

Mayim Bialik recently wrote a blog post for the Jewish parenting blog Kveller (via HuffPo) titled “The Problem With That Giant Billboard Of Ariana Grande” where she came for professional sexy baby Ariana Grande Latte (seen here looking like a come-to-life Bratz Babyz doll) and a billboard featuring Ariana in her underwear. Blossom decided to call a preschool-looking stripper out after she drove past a black and white billboard for Ariana’s new album My Everything with her sons in the car and noticed that their poor innocent eyes were being assaulted by a giant picture of Ariana’s half-naked toddler bod:

“Based on the billboard, she sells lingerie. Or stiletto heels. Or plastic surgery because every woman over 22 wishes she has that body, I’m sure. Why is she in her underwear on this billboard though? And if she has a talent (is she a singer?), then why does she have to sell herself in lingerie? I mean, I know that society is patriarchal and women are expected to be sexy and sexually available no matter what we do in society, but I guess now I need to explain that to my sons?”

She also took a prude-swipe at a billboard for Showtime’s Masters of Sex and a steamy Levi’s commercial that played in the theater before a screening of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. Of course, you can read everything Blossom said over at Kveller.com, or you can save yourself a couple minutes and watch this clip of Helen Lovejoy instead (it’s pretty much the same thing).

But I still don’t understand why Blossom had such a hard time explaining that billboard of Ariana Grande in her Huggies Lil’ Hoochies to her sons. Aren’t little kids always stripping down to their underwear? Just say it’s an ~artsy~ picture of a 4-year-old playing dress-up in mommy’s high heels. And if they don’t believe that, then tell them it’s an ad for no-tears toddler shampoo. Trust me, it will work – Ariana is like 90% hair.

Pic: Instagram

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