Archives: September 2014

Birthday Sluts

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Cassandra “Elvira” Peterson (63)
Wade Robson (32)
Constantine Mouralis (39)
Bobby Lee (42)
Nate Berkus (43)
Keith Flint (45)
Matthew Settle (45)
Anastacia (46)
Malik Yoba (47)
Doug E. Fresh (48)
Bryan Singer (49)
Kyle Chandler (49)
Amy Roloff (51)
James Urbaniak (51)
Baz Luhrmann (52)
Dustin Nguyen (52)
BeBe Winans (52)
Kevin Clash (54)
Rita Rudner (61)

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A Source Tells CNN That Joan Rivers’ ENT Doctor Snapped A Selfie With Her During Her Throat Procedure

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Just when I was beginning to think that uncouth pieces of trash have taken the selfie situation too far by taking selfies with dead bodies in caskets at funerals, they outdo themselves by taking selfies with knocked out patients getting a procedure done. CNN says that a staff member at the Yorkville Endoscopy Clinic in Manhattan, where Joan Rivers had her endoscopy done, told investigators that her own ENT doctor busted in during the procedure to take a selfie with her while she was unconscious and he later did an unauthorized biopsy. Go ahead and add, “I promise not to take a selfie with my unconscious patient,” to the Hippocratic Oath.

CNN says that Dr. Lawrence Cohen, the medical director at Yorkville Endoscopy, did Joan’s throat procedure and during it, her ear, nose and throat doctor, who hasn’t been named, came into the procedure room and took a selfie with her while she was under anesthesia. When Dr. Cohen finished up, the ENT doctor did a biopsy without getting Joan’s permission first. Investigators believe that Joan’s vocal cords swelled up during the biopsy and she went into cardiac arrest after oxygen to her lungs got cut off. The ENT wasn’t certified by the clinic and that’s apparently required by law.

Yorkville Endoscopy spit out a stream of denials when the biopsy reports came out and said that they don’t do vocal cord biopsies at their clinic. The clinic later confirmed that Dr. Cohen was no longer medical director. CNN’s source says that investigators haven’t accused Dr. Cohen or the ENT doctor of doing anything wrong, yet.

Joan Rivers might think it’s funny that her messy ENT doctor took a selfie while she was under, but she probably wouldn’t think it was funny that he took a selfie with her while she had a camera down her throat, wasn’t wearing her jewels, was probably SANS FARDS and had on a plain, homely ass hospital gown. How dreadful. But I’m sure she’s up in heaven, cackling over the thought of Melissa Rivers suing the shit out of those doctors.

And expect that selfie to end up on the cover of The National Enquirer in 3…..2…

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Beyonce, Please Sashay Away

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

During one of the last shows of her and Jay-Z’s Stunt Queen Spectacular World Tour in Paris, Beyonce dropped her mic and kind of sort of forgot to keep lip-synching. If this was a lip-synch for your life, bitch would’ve committed lip-synch suicide. I’m sure the BumbleBeys will scream and say that she’s singing with a backing track and it’s impossible for her to sing all out, because the ears of us mere mortals cannot take her all-powerful nightingale angel voice. But I know what’s really going on here. Not only is Beyonce a master performer, a master singer, a master actress (HA), a master mother, a master wig wearer, a master credit taker, a master copy + paster, a master stunt artiste and a master (insert everything I missed here which is a million miles long since she’s a master at everything), but she’s also a master ventriloquist. Beyonce can sing out in her full singing voice without moving her lips. She does this so she can bless her BumbleBeys in the front row with her holy smile. Beyonce is THAT talented. I bet Miss Ohio is her coach.

I had to put the video behind the cut, because it embeds all wonky on the main page. Blame the Illuminati.

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Night Crumbs

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

George Clooney will get the Cecil B. DeMille Award at the Golden Globes next year, because they want him to show up and they also want to honor all the contributions he’s made over the years to the awards season escort industry. I’m okay with this as long as the cast of The Facts of Life (aka the women who are responsible for his entire career) present that award to him – Lainey Gossip

Why do I keep waiting for Arnold Schwarzenegger as Dutch from Predator to tackle  Khlozilla from behind? – Celebitchy

I’ve gazed into Courtney Stodden’s future and someone needs to hold me now, because I’m scared – WWTDD

The next season of Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never-Wases will be Mop Head-less – Reality Tea

Demi Lovato’s in a bikini – The Superficial

Abbey Clancy’s chichis must’ve had a hell of a fight. The right one wants nothing to do with the left one and is giving it the cold shoulder. Yes, Abbey Clancy’s chichis have shoulders – Drunken Stepfather

Colin Kapernick’s hot Huckleberry Hound-looking ass lifts his top for V MagazineTowleroad

Leonardo DiCatchAHo was named the UN’s Messenger of Peace and that title goes really well with his Messenger of Peen title from the modeling industry – Gawker

In Jennifer Lawrence’s new Dior ads, she’s giving Rachel Maddow after a wind storm – Popoholic

Miley Cyrus really knows how to dress for ATV riding – Hollywood Tuna

Rita Whora’s ensemble would’ve been elevated to new levels of sophistication if she wore her Teen Cunt t-shirt over it – Egotastic

Jennifer Lawrence wore a Roald Dahl quote on her body – Popsugar

Gwen Stefani is always carrying a tiny blond baby around. Always. – ICYDK

Here’s the ridiculous L.A. mansion (which you might’ve seen on Million Dollar Listing) that Beyonce and Jay-Z are renting – The Berry

Drew Barrymore went brown – HuffPo

For why is Jessica Simpson wearing construction netting as a skirt? – Just Jared

If The League ever gets canceled, Paul Scheer can always plop a blond wig on his head and be a Real Housewife of Orange County and he’d be the most feminine looking one of the group – SOW

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Very Important Update: Pia Zadora Is Out Of The Hospital!

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

You can get up off  your knees now (I bet you hear that a lot, but it’s usually said by a cop after catching you giving a beej in the bushes, you slut!) and everyone can stop spending every waking second praying for Pia. Because America’s true sweetheart (yeah, sorry JLaw and Chris Pratt) is out of the hospital and is on her way to making a full recovery. Typing those words is an even better feeling than deleting that goddamn U2 album from my iTunes.

Pia Zadora ended up in the Intensive Care Unit of a hospital in Las Vegas last Thursday after she was involved in a freak golf cart accident. Pia was a passenger in a golf cart driven by her 17-year-old son Jordan (the same one who called the cops on her after she allegedly choked him out during a fight) and when he made a sharp turn, she went flying out of that thing and busted her head. Pia was treated for a serious head injury and a jacked up ankle. Pia’s rep released a statement to The Las Vegas Sun yesterday saying that she’s out of the hospital and is planning to get her ankle operated on in L.A. next week.

Finally, some good news. This world can’t afford to lose another LEGEND! Yes, Pia is a legend. She’s a little bit of heaven here on Earth (and no, I don’t know what the shit is going on in that video below. I think that’s what the Scientology initiation ceremony looks like).

Pic: Twitter

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Open Post: Hosted By A Wet Benedict Cumberbatch

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Here’s Benedict Cumberbatch recreating the wank-worthy Mr. Darcy lake scene from the BBC’s Pride and Prejudice starring Colin Firth. That has to be the most British sentence I’ve ever typed. Actually, no it’s not. Here’s Benedict Cumberbatch recreating the wank-worthy Mr. Darcy lake scene from the BBC’s Pride and Prejudice starring Colin Firth, cheerio, Jodie Marsh, crumpets! There, that’s the most British sentence I’ve ever typed.

The alien amphibian got wet and almost shirtless in the name of charity! The Daily Mail says that a bunch of famous whores including Bendadick Cumsinbatches posed for the 10th anniversary of the Give Up Clothes For Good campaign, which raises money for cancer research. Photographer Jason Bell also took pictures of Jerry Hall, Liam Neeson and Sporty Spice. I haven’t checked on Tumblr today, but I’m sure it’s completely shut down, because after seeing their salamander God all wet and squinty-eyed, the Cumberbitches squirted out all the liquids in their body and they’re currently hooked up to an IV at Urgent Care.

That picture is very “It came from the lagoon.” And if you’re a hardcore Cumberbitch, that’s your cue to say, “Oh yeah, and I just came a lagoon.

Pic: Twitter

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Has It Really Come To This: Jessica Biel Being Considered For The Female Lead In True Detective 2

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

When casting rumors for the second season of True Detective started up, it was reported that the producers were really reaching for the highest stars by trying to get Jessica Chastain, Brad Pitt, Christian Bale and Cate Blanchett. I guess none of those stars wanted to be reached, so the producers went down one step on the ladder and reached a little lower by trying to get Ewan McGregor and then Colin Farrell and then Garrett Hedlund. Well, the producers are completely off of the ladder and now they’re taking whatever they can get.

Nothing has been confirmed yet, but apparently Colin Farrell, Vince Vaughn and Taylor Kitsch have been cast in the male leads. The Wrap says that the show’s creator Nic Pizzolatto is focusing on casting the female lead who’s been described as a booze and gambling addicted sheriff. Elisabeth Moss and Rachel McAdams were both rumored to be up for the role and The Wrap says they’re not totally out. But a source says that 7 actresses have been called back for the role after getting through the first round of auditions. The source says that the 7 actresses are: Rosario Dawson (okay, I can see that), Brit Marling (I can see that too, okay…), Oona Chaplin (I don’t know who that is, but I love a first name that sounds like an orgasm moan), Kelly Reilly (okay….), Malin Akerman (uh huh…), Jamie Alexander (yeah…) and Jessica Biel (WHAAAAAAAT?!).

While reading that list, I knew how the kids who had to pick baseballs teams during my 7th grade PE class felt. They went down the line, looked at each kid and said, “okay, okay,” and when they got to me at the end, they screamed, “Noooooooo.”

Jessica Biel?! Is Courtney Love, who could also be a consultant since she’s an actual detective, not available?

They should just cast an unknown. Or better yet, they should do what the producers of The Love Boat did whenever they got stuck and needed a lifesaver: they brought on Charo! Charo saves everything! Here’s my choice for the female lead in TD 2 looking hot, glamorous and sheriff-ey (just go with it) while posing with Lou Diamond Phillips at The Cesar Chavez Foundation Awards a few months ago.

Pics: Wenn.com

Iggy Azalea’s Ex Might Have Found A Legal Loophole That Lets Him Sell That Sex Tape

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

When Iggy Azalea’s ex-boyfriend and former manager Hefe Wine announced he was shopping a sex tape to Vivid Entertainment starring himself and the come-to-life version of Marcus Copeland as Tiffany Wilson, Iggy denied it was her, claiming she never made a sex tape. Then her lawyers sort of took it back, saying that yeah, maybe it is her in the sex tape, but she was underage when she made it, so any sicko trying to sell that shit will get a visit from Chris Hansen.

Then when it was revealed that, yeah, maybe she was over 18 when she made it, Iggy’s lawyers informed Hefe that Vivid can’t legally purchase the tape from him, because he doesn’t have written permission from both parties (keep that in mind the next time one of Kim Kardashian’s delusional disciples tries to convince you that drowsy hooker’s sex tape was “leaked”). And since Iggy never signed off on that shit, she breathed a sigh of relief and went back to drizzling spicy dipping sauce all over her Outback Bloomin’ Onion butt.

But that sleazeball is back once again to inform Iggy and her lawyers that he DOES have Iggy’s written permission. Sort of. According to TMZ, Iggy signed an agreement with Hefe back in 2009 that gives him exclusive rights to “manufacture, sell, distribute and advertise any recording embodying visual images.” Technically the contract is for records and music videos, but Hefe claims all he has to do is put one of Iggy’s old songs under the sex tape and he then he legally has the rights to sell it. Additionally, the contract states that he has the legal right to host and maintain a website to market Iggy’s work, so technically he can make a website and try to post the sex tape there.

Essentially, this whole Iggy Azalea sex tape business is turning into a messy XXX Australian version of “Anything You Can Do” from Annie Get Your Gun. Anything her lawyers do, Hefe can do better. It’s not her! Yes it is! She’s not 18! Yes she is! You can’t release it! Yes I can, yes I can, YES I CAAAAN!!

Literally the only way they can prevent this tape from being sold is if the Wayans brothers were to come forward with a copy of White Chicks and claim that the sale of Iggy’s sex tape violates copyright infringement laws.

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Ariana Grande Latte Really Loves And Appreciates Her Fans (And I Mean The Opposite Of That, Of Course)

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

“I just want to squeeze you until you’re dead. Die! Die! I fucking hate you, you fucking bitch fuck! KISSY FACE!” is just one line from the internal monologue playing in Ariana Grande’s head while that was picture was being taken.

The music career of Ariana Grande, the demon that possessed a talking Bratz doll, isn’t even an hour old and the media is already tearing her to shreds for her diva bitch ways. Just in the past few weeks, there’s been stories about how she’s demanding, a complete asshole and will shank a bitch in the throat if they photograph her right side, Even Giuliana Rancic hates her. Well, here’s another story for the pile. This happened over the summer, but since America’s new favorite feel-good sport is hating on Blossom’s feminist of choice, the NYDN brought it out today.

Some source says that while visiting a radio station in Manhattan, Ariana put on a fake smile while signing autographs but as soon as she got into the elevator, she dropped the fakeness and wished death upon them all.

“She did autographs and pics and was all smiles until she got into the elevator,” a stunned industry insider tells us. “And as soon as the doors shut she said, ‘I hope they all fucking die.’ ”

Oh, young, evil Ariana, we’re all going to fucking die someday. It’s the fucking circle of fucking life.

This is kind of hilarious, because it’s funny when toddlers curse! They sound like adult people, almost! But it isn’t not funny when kids wish death upon people. Nope. That shit is scary. Those are the scariest kind of horror movies. I’m laughing now, but I won’t be laughing when stories come out about how Ariana’s lipstick is made of the blood of the small creatures she kills in her backyard for fun. Ariana’s own mom thought she was going to be a serial killer. She warned us! I bet that wicked child wishes hos who cross her into the cornfield. The cornfield might seem like it’s a nice place since Ariana isn’t there, but I doubt she lets her enemies off that easy. Her music probably plays on a loop in the cornfield. So do whatever that devil’s spawn says before you end up in a living, nonstop Problem.

Here’s Ariana the Terrible secretly wishing death upon her fans at Narita Airport in Tokyo today.

Pics: Wenn.com

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