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Aaaand I’m back from my vacation in Mehico and yes, I swallowed the tequila worm and sadly no, that’s not a euphemism. Thanks to Allison, J. Harvey and Lahoma for covering for my ass while I spent my mornings flirting with the members of the Mexican Navy who tried to rescue me after mistaking me for a malnourished, beached seal and spent my afternoon writing, “But what about the cum?“, to every goddamn friend who texted me with, “You’re in Mexico? Don’t drink the water!”
There’s no better way to end my first full day back than by posting stunning pictures of the opulent German blossom who bloomed in the Garden of Chola Beauty after Glamberace’s seed was fertilized with Liberace’s tears and a melted Sharpie. Harald Glööckler debuted his new equestrian line (???) at Spoga Horse in Cologne, Germany yesterday. That Maleficent horse he’s posing with was actually a living, breathing, galloping, blood relative of Trace Cyrus until Harald touched it and it turned into pure gold. Even though it’s an inanimate object and its eyes are made of glass, that gold horse still looks shocked to be so close to such understated glamour.
Behold, St. Angie Jolie’s Wedding Dress Which Is Now The Most Important Religious Artifact Of All-Time
Before pictures of St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt’s holy wedding grace the first pages of the Holy Bible, they were gracious enough to lease the pictures to People and Hello! for their final issues. I say “final issues,” because People and Hello! are going out of business since they spent all their money on this shit.
Because St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt are HIGHLY protective of their personal lives and are the epitome of private, they sold their wedding pictures to People and Hello! and spit out details about the dress that has surpassed Jan Crouch’s soft-serve cotton candy dump hair as history’s greatest religious artifact. St. Angie Jolie tells People that her wedding dress was designed by family friend Luigi Massi, the head tailor at Atelier Versace. If St. Angie wanted a dress that looked like it was marked “irregular” and came from the “take it, just take it for free” bin at a David’s Bridal, then it’s absolutely perfect. To make the dress even more personal, Luigi sewed drawings made by the child army into the dress and veil.
“Luigi is like family to me and I couldn’t imagine anyone else making this dress,” says Jolie. “He knows and cares for the children and it was great fun putting it together.”
She looks like she’s wearing a tablecloth from Romano’s Macaroni Grill after a bunch of kids doodled all over it with crayons. I just want to pull up a chair next to her dress and order some house wine and fettuccine alfredo. With that being said, I’m sure workers are currently removing Michelangelo’s The Creation of Adam from the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, because they’re going to replace it with St. Angie’s dress.
And here’s Brad and St. Angie sucking face on Hello!
All I see is HAAAAAAAAAAAND.
Carrie Underwood used Labor Day to announce that in a few months she’ll be going into labor, because a fetus has moved into her womb. I tried to laugh at the cheesiness of her announcement, but I couldn’t, because up until I was 6 or 7 I really thought that Labor Day was a day to celebrate women birthing out babies. It’s a good thing I was totally wrong, because if I was right, we’d all be spending Labor Day making soap for the world’s labor queen Michelle Duggar. Oh, and by “6 or 7″ I mean “a month ago.”
Carrie Underwears posted the above pic on Instagram today with this little note:
In honor of “Labor” Day, Ace & Penny would like to make an announcement. Their parents couldn’t be happier…
No, Carrie isn’t announcing that she’s getting another dog. Carrie’s husband Mike Fisher tweeted this:
We haven’t picked names yet but it’s looking like Fly is gonna fly. #boyorgirl #flyfisherf
That’s nice and everything, but something tells me that Fly Underwears Fisher is going to be an only child. Because after Carrie threw that picture up on Instagram, Ace and Penny snuck out of the house and caught a Peter Pan bus to the farthest nudist dog colony where they can freely live without having to worry about hos forcing them to wear embarrassing t-shirts like that. You can see the shame in their body language.
via CBS Sports
Seen above in happier days with that hot piece from Rocky the Musical (just focus on his nipples and try not to spend too much on the “cumming and pooping at the same time” face he’s making), 81-year-old Joan Rivers is slowly being pulled out of the coma that doctors put her in after her endoscopy made a sharp turn down MAN DOWN CODE 10 Way and she stopped breathing. Joan was put on life support and her doctors placed her in a medically induced coma, and hopefully for the past few days she’s been in a magical dreamland where she’s been watching her arch rival Elizabeth Taylor eat at McDonald’s. The NYDN says that doctors and Joan’s family have made the decision to bring her out of a coma to see how she does.
A source tells the NYDN that yesterday, doctors began lifting her out of a coma and the process will be done by tomorrow. Doctors could quickly bring her out of the coma by whispering, “There’s a Botox shortage,” in her ear, but they need to bring her out slowly. The source claims that doctors are afraid that the part of her brain that controls her motor skills could’ve been damaged, which means she could end up in a wheelchair or not be able to talk, walk and do anything on her own. Shit is already on the top level of serious and it could get even more serious. Melissa Rivers is apparently considering throwing a lawsuit at the clinic where Joan had the throat procedure done. The source said this about that:
“Shock and upset is turning to anger, and they are looking for someone to blame. The night before, she was performing and now she is on life support. An 81-year-old should not have that procedure as an outpatient. Very ill-advised.”
Some other source said that Joan would never want to live unless she is able to live a full life and can take care of herself. Melissa said in a statement yesterday that her family has their “fingers crossed.”
Everything I know about medically induced comas, I learned while watching a novella with my abuelita years ago. I don’t remember the name of that shit, but in it, doctors brought the patriarch of some rich family out of a coma and he was a completely different person. He was the total opposite. So if novellas are real-life, then when Joan comes out of a coma, she’ll be a pro-Palestine activist who loves playing pokah and wears CROCs and skorts.
If Joan doesn’t pull through, then we’ll probably be living in a world where Ghouliana Rancic is the head host of Fashion Police and considered the authority on award show fashion. NOOOOOOOO! Pull through, Joan! Pull through!
Speaking of has-been weddings…
Sorry, Brangelina, but your plan to takeover this week’s tabloid coverage with your stupid wedding has been foiled! Because a much more high-profile and anticipated wedding happened this weekend. Renowned medical scientist Jenny McCarthy married Donnie Wahlberg at the Hotel Baker in St. Charles, Illinois yesterday. They’ve been dating for about a year, which is about how long Donnie has been suffering from the brain hemorrhage that causes him to make fucked-up decisions like marrying that crazy wreck. E! News says that 41-year-old Jenny married 45-year-old Donnie in front of zero guests, because just like Marky Mark, they all had better things to do and who really wants to watch a New Kid fall all the way from grace into a puddle of wet bat shit by marrying Jenny McCarthy? That shit’s just depressing and will ruin anybody’s Labor Day weekend.
No, apparently, Jenny’s fellow The View refugee Sherri Shepherd and the New Kids were there. This is the second marriage for both of them.
Jenny wore an exquisitely demure wedding gown that probably made the officiant say, “Do you TITS take this New Kid to be…,” (E! has a picture of her bridal tits) and as she walked down the aisle, she was serenaded by the cries of the ghosts of the children who died because their stupid parents listened to Jenny McCarthy.
Jenny and Donnie had a Labor Day Weekend wedding, so are we guessing that they’re going to have a National Nut Day annulment or are we going to be really generous and guess that they’ll have a Thanksgiving Day divorce? Or maybe it’ll end when Donnie is shuffled off to the mental hospital after stabbing his ears out after listening to the 900 millionth stream of cold shit coming out of Jenny’s mouth. But then again, he grew up with Marky Mark and has sang, “oh, oh, oh, oh, ooooh,” at least one billion times, so he can take almost any kind of torture.
First, Ashlee Simpson and Evan Ross got married and then Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg. It’s truly been an all-star A-list wedding weekend! Next up, I’ll tell you about the wedding between a chick who was almost on The Bachelor and a guy who was in the background during a scene on Vanderpump Rules.
And here’s some crystal clear, hi-res pictures of Jenny in her wedding dress.
Yesterday in Greenwich, CT, a trick who is only semi-famous because of her sister married a trick who is only semi-famous because of his mom. 29-year-old Ashlee Simpson made 26-year-old Evan Ross her second husband at his mom’s estate. I figured that Diana Ross would pull a stage 10 Marky Mark and not show up to the wedding, because she had to meet with her lawyers to fast-track papers legally emancipating herself from Evan Ross for dragging her into that crazy family. But Diana Ross was there and she planned the whole wedding and performed. Miss Ross has gone insane.
UsWeekly says that Asshole wore a pearl-embellished, long-sleeved wedding gown and $750,000 worth of Neil Lane jooree including a tiara. Nobody really cared what Ashlee was wearing, because they were too busy gasping at the pretty-faced beauty of Evan Ross and the bow tie-shaped pube bush on his chin. Jessica Simpson was Ashlee’s matron of honor and her kids, Maxwell and Ace, were the flower girl and ring bearer. After the ceremony, Ashlee cut the cake with her chin and Diana Ross performed. Diana Ross performing at her son’s wedding reception makes sense, because: a) she’s Diana Ross and performing is her OXYGEN and; b) the more time she spent at the mic meant the less chances Ashlee had to get up on stage to “sing” to her groom.
UsWeekly has zero details about the only Simpson we care about: PAPA JOE! Bronx Mowgli walked Ashlee down the aisle, not Papa Joe. Ashlee is such a transparent bitch. I see what she did there. Ashlee knew that if Papa Joe walked her down the aisle, his glamorous ensemble (an ivory leather suit, a white fishnet tank, silver alligator sandals and a rhinestone headband) would take all the attention away from her who cares ass and Evan would want to marry Papa Joe instead and then the Ross family fortune would never be hers! It’s the only smart decision Ashlee has ever made.
And here’s pictures of Diana Ross looking like an exploding Muppet tampon while performing last year. I’m choosing to believe that this is what she wore to the ceremony.
The overworked single mother of two shitty kids in Donna Summer’s video for “She Works Hard For The Money.“
The single mom (who is kind of giving me Rhoda with Geri Jewell hair) in Donna Summer’s “She Works Hard For The Money” video is going through it and is totally over it. She has to get up at the hour of the crackheads to drag her ass to her first job where she has scrub the floors with a flimsy ass rag (somebody please get her a Hoover FloorMate or at least a Swiffer Wet Jet). Once she’s done making her joints sore at her first job, she has to drag her ass to her second job at a diner where she has to deal with nasty turd bags sexually harassing her while she tries to deliver some goddamn food. The single mom’s day isn’t done there. Then she has to go to her third job at the factory where she has to try to not have a nervous breakdown while sewing shit. She wishes she could just go home, collapse on her bed and dream of being a professional dancer and having Jennifer Beal’s life. But instead she has to go to the grocery store, carry heavy groceries across the train tracks and feed her ungrateful, asshole brat kids who are total devil monsters and loudly fight with each other while she’s trying to rest her bones and soul. Every day she lives the lives of Cinderella, Alice AND a Project Runway contestant and her demon children don’t give a shit. At least, her fairy disco godmother Donna Summer feels for her.
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