Archives: September 2014

Open Post: Hosted By A Pregnant Zoe Saldana Pole Dancing At The Airport

September 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Even though they’re usually designed to look like a less-fun adult Disney World (Moving walkways! Souvenir stands! A futuristic photobooth that can see thought your clothes and take a picture of your junk!), there’s nothing magical about the airport. It’s boring as shit! There’s nothing to do besides getting drunk on $19 beers and eating stale plates of $30 nachos at Chili’s Too. But it looks like Zoe Saldana found a way to kill time before her flight that didn’t involve stepping foot inside that airport hellhole. Zoe posted a video to Instagram of her and her hot Fabio-haired hipster husband Marco Perego trying to bust a stripper move inside one of the people movers at the Washington Dulles airport with the caption:

“Let’s do that again!!! Absolute boredom at #Dulles airport. #poledancing is difficult under these conditions Hahahaha”

I know Zoe is pregnant with two babies, but that’s no excuse for such busted sloppy moves! Good lord Zoe, what was that even? She looks like me every time someone dares my clumsy ass to slide down a fireman’s pole (not a euphemism). Fetus fever is no excuse for not bringing your top-shelf slut game! I’ve known strippers in their third trimester who could still whip around like total pros. The trick is to use your hands to protect your womb (safety first!) while you grip the pole with your coochie lips. Don’t they teach this shit in childbirth classes?

(via E! News)

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Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One: Lauryn Hill Had A Shitty Show In London Last Night

September 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Every time I hear about former Fugees member Lauryn Hill taking a giant messy life shit, all I can think of is Sister Mary Clarence giving her a ‘good god girl, get your shit together’ face. According to The Independent, it all started when Lauryn Hill pulled a Lauryn Hill by showing up to her 8:30pm show at the O2 Brixton Academy last night an hour and a half late. DUH! It takes time to look like an Amish Project Runway Diana Ross.

Sensing that the crowd was starting to get impatient waiting for the elusive tax-paying chanteuse to arrive, Lauryn’s warm-up DJ Tieks decided to hype up the crowd by asking if any of them were from the West Coast…of America. A gesture that made no goddamned sense to the UK audience:

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Gabrielle Union Is Sending The FBI After The Hacker Who Leaked Her Nude Pics Yesterday

September 21, 2014 / Posted by:

So the sequel to The Fappening happened yesterday (The Fappening 2: Electric Lube-aloo), and included on the list of celebrities who’s titty pics were leaked was Isis from Bring It On, aka Gabrielle Union. And just like you can sort of tell in this picture above, Gabrielle wasn’t here for that shit. Instead of pulling a Shaggy like Ariana Grande and Victoria Justice did and claiming “IT WASN’T ME” in the stolen nipple pics, TMZ says that Gabrielle has told her legal team to call up the FBI. Gabrielle also decided to publicly address the situation by releasing a joint statement with her husband Dwayne Wade, in which they slap at the pic-hacking asshole responsible and offer support to everyone else who found pics of their parts online yesterday:

“It has come to our attention that our private moments, that were shared and deleted solely between my husband and myself, have been leaked by some vultures. I can’t help but to be reminded that since the dawn of time women and children, specifically women of color, have been victimized, and the power over their own bodies taken from them. These atrocities against women and children continue worldwide. For anyone out there also being affected by these and other hacking and hate crimes – We send our love, support and prayers. We have done nothing wrong.”

Meanwhile, Kim Kardashian is putting together a gift basket filled with Hooker’s Choice Diskount Spray Tanner and Executive TRAMP-brand too-tight stripper skirts as a way to say thanks for cutting out the middle man (Pimp Mama Kris) and saving her some time.

It sounds like already there are already people who need Gabrielle and Dwayne’s love and support; TMZ says that early this morning, hacked pictures of Rihanna made their way onto the internet. How DARE that hacker! THE AUDACITY! There are plenty of pictures of Princess Ooh-Na-Na’s nipples on the internet; they didn’t have to start stealing from her personal stash! That’s dark-sided! Rihanna is kind enough to share pictures of her intergalactic fuck parts, but you have to ask first! “Please Princess RiRi, may I see your beautiful Barbadian booby balls?” Only RiRi should get to decide who sees her outer space nipple pellets!

Pic: Instagram

Tom Hardy Might Have Gotten Secret Married Two Months Ago

September 21, 2014 / Posted by:

In case you’re wondering, he maybe got secret married to the one on the left; I thought I’d specify, because if you’re anything like me, you heard the words TOM HARDY and MARRIED and secretly hoped it was to a dog. No, according to the Mirror, Tom Hardy (seen here wearing what appears to be a pair of jeans he got from an NSYNC garage sale back in 2003) got secretly married to his girlfriend of 5 years Charlotte Riley over two months ago. Secret weddings – so hot right now!

A source claims the two tied the knot on July 4th at a fancy-ass 18th Century castle in the South of France in front of a small group of friends and family, including Tom’s six-year-old son Louis with actress Rachael Speed. No word on whether their dog Woodstock (seen above, looking all kinds of adorable) took part in the ceremony, but I’ll just assume he was the best man, because imagining a dog in a doggy-tuxedo is a mental picture that always takes me higher.

Charlotte has admitted in the past that she always wanted to get married, but that she would never plan an obnoxiously tacky charade of a wedding like some people, saying: “We are desperate to do it, but I’ll never have a celebrity wedding. It will be low-key, with family and friends.” And it sounds like that’s exactly what they got. A “family source” (aka chatty Aunt Carol) told The Sun:

“It was a beautiful, low-key day made even more special because they just had their closest friends and family around them.Tom’s son Louis played a key role during the ceremony. And they made certain to pick a stunning and private setting. There was nothing flash about the wedding, they always said they wanted it to be about the two of them and their family rather than any grand gesture.”

Oh, Aunt Carol – that gossip-loving trick. Tom and Charlotte try to hold a low-key secret wedding and you run off and spill the beans to the press. You can’t ever trust Aunt Carol! Aunt Carol will un-secret your secret every time! And yet, that loose-lipped bitch still said NOTHING about Woodstock! Goddamn it, Carol, get your shit together! I wanna know about Woodstock! Did he get so drunk at the reception that he tried to hump the priest’s leg? Come on Carol, spill it!

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 21, 2014 / Posted by:

The tension-taming calm goddess on the box of Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer tea! 

The other day I was in the tea aisle at Target and I could hear the sound of Miss Coco Peru, famed drag artiste and star of Trick, disappointedly shaking her head back and forth while snapping her lips in disgust, because they didn’t have any Celestial Seasonings Tension Taymuh tea. Last year around the holiday times, Miss Coco Peru was feeling the tension, so she began her journey to find the elusive Tension Taymuh tea and she documented her adventures and put it on her YouTube channel. SPOILER ALERT: Her adventures had a sad, tragic, ending because she never found it.

So every time I’m in the tea section of any store, I look for Tension Tamer tea and I’ve never found it either. Why the hell don’t stores in the L.A. area want bitches to tame their tension? If they’re not going to sell the good shit at Target, they should at least sell Tension Tamer tea. It’s a government and pharmaceutical industry conspiracy, obviously. They want us to turn to Xanax and Valium to tame our tension when we can’t find any Tension Tamer tea! No wonder everyone is fucking crazy around here. They don’t have Tension Tamer tea to calm their asses. Hmmm, I wonder if your tension will really be tamed if you smoke Tension Tamer tea since mostly everything is better when smoked. I’ll never find out because I’ll never find a box of Tension Tamer tea.

I don’t know why nerds slobber over that Khaleesi chick from Game of Thrones. The calm maiden in the stunning red gown on the box of Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer tea is the true Queen of the Dragons. She tamed that dragon so hard that she can use it as a sofa to sit on while she sips her Tension Tamer tea.

If you haven’t seen Miss Coco Peru’s quest for Tension Tamer tea, here it is below. It’s tense, so it’s best to watch while sipping some Tension Tamer tea and if you don’t have any of that, watch it while snorting some crushed Valium like the pharmaceutical companies want you to!

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Birthday Sluts

September 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Dave Coulier (55)
Christian Serratos (24)
Jason Derülo (25)
Maggie Grace (31)
Nicole Richie (33)
Liam Gallagher (42)
Alfonso Ribeiro (43)
Luke Wilson (43)
Anne Burrell (45)
Ricki Lake (46)
Faith Hill (47)
Abby Lee Miller (48)
Darva Conger (49)
Cheryl Hines (49)
Momma Dee (51)
Rob Morrow (52)
Nancy Travis (53)
David James Elliot (54)
Ethan Coen (57)
Bill Murray (64)
Stephen King (67)
Jerry Bruckheimer (71)
Leonard Cohen (80)

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Open Post: Hosted By A Topless Seth Rogen And A Topless James Franco Jumping Out A Cake

September 20, 2014 / Posted by:

And yet, that cake still isn’t gayer than the She-Ra cake I want for my birthday.

Yesterday was the 40th anniversary of Jimmy Fallon’s born day and one of his “gifts” was a giant fake cake full of piping hot douche cream. James Franco and his best brofriend forever Seth Rogen jumped out of the cake. They were living for it. They live for moments when they can get their nipples out together. Jimmy Fallon got another surprise when the legendary Stevie Wonder came out singing “Happy Birthday.” Stevie was blinded again when James and Seth almost touched sweaty armpits while stripper dancing in that cake.

My only question is, were they bottomless too? I guess we’ll never know the answer unless Jimmy later says that he took a bite out of that fake cake and for some reason it tasted like warm gouda, vinegar, butt sweat and dirty balls. Hmm, I pretty much just described the taste of the slice of cake I bought on sale from Food 4 Less the other day.

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The Time Nicolas Cage Told Idris Elba That He Spent The Night In Dracula’s Castle

September 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Even with that jean vest and that newsboy cap, I still would and HOW.

Idris Elba did a Reddit AMA (via Vulture) yesterday and sadly nobody asked him to finally put an end to MicCordGate by posting a picture of his dick next to a mic cord so we’ll know for sure what was in his pants that day. But somebody did ask him if he had any funny stories to tell about Nicolas Cage since he worked with that human bottle of crazy on Ghost Rider. Of course he had a funny Nicolas Cage story since I’m sure anyone who has ever come into contact with that mess has a funny story to tell:

“Yeah – Nic Cage came back one day on set, and he came down to set and he looked a little bit tired, a little bit – kind of like he’d ben up all night. So I was like ‘Hey Nic man, how you doing man’ and he said ‘I’m alright’ and I said ‘You seem a little spoked out’ and he said ‘Yeah man, I went up to Dracula’s castle…the ruins up in the mountains, and I stayed the night’ and I said ‘What?! Why?’ and he said ‘I just had to channel the energy, and it was pretty spooky up there.’ We were shooting in Romania, Transylvania, and he just went up there to spend the night, as you do.

And then he walked away.

True story.”

I love how Idris said “True story.” He didn’t need to say that at all. If Idris also said that Nicolas added that he woke up in the middle of the night in the castle when a sweet transvestite from Transylvania tried to seduce him and then he ended up singing about doing the Time Warp in the ballroom with a maid with an afro and a butler who looked like Samantha Ronson with a half weave, Idris still wouldn’t need to say “True story.” I’d believe it no matter what. Because every story that involves Nicolas Cage is a true story. True story.

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The Fappening Is Still Happening

September 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Insert ClayAikenMakingAJudgyYouGotWhatYouDeserveFace.jpeg here.

TMZ says that early this morning, hacked naked cell phone pictures of Kim Kartrashian ended up on 4Chan and Reddit. It’s surprising that we were all able to get onto the Internet this morning. You’d think that naked pictures of Kim Kardashian would’ve crashed all the servers and turned the Internet into a pile of rubble, because all of us definitely have never seen every single damn inch of her naked ass body.

TMZ says that also this morning, private naked pictures of Vanessa Hudgens (whose been to the hacked naked picture rodeo before) and Hope Solo ended up on 4Chan. Uproxx and The Daily Beast says that the new round of victims also includes Aubrey Plaza, Hayden Panettiere, Mary-Kate Olsen, Lake Bell, Avril Lavigne, Kaley Cuoco and Leelee Sobieski. There’s apparently also more pictures of Jennifer Lawrence. Reddit immediately shut down the new thread and since 4Chan has a new copyright infringement policy, they also deleted the pics.

So I guess this means that the FBI hasn’t caught the hacker(s) yet. If the FBI wants to find the bitch who leaked Kim Kartarshian’s pictures (Why do I feel like I’m always typing the words “leaked” and “Kim Kartrashian” in the same sentence?), all they have to do is follow the scent of self-tanner fumes, burnt nutsacks, Sasquatch saliva, desperation and Lucifer’s ass juices and it’ll lead them straight to Pimp Mama Kris’ Hidden Hills lair. Who knew that PMK was a b/tard? But PMK is truly slipping. If she wanted to create a real scandal, she should’ve leaked pictures of Kim doing shocking things like changing her own baby’s diaper or finishing the Highlights Magazine crossword puzzle.

Here’s Kim wearing some kind of tube top sausage casing skirt in a studio parking lot a couple of days ago.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Martin Lawrence Finally Photographed Together (Sort Of)

September 20, 2014 / Posted by:

I know, somebody should really come up with a different couple name for these two hos, because every time I see “Martin Lawrence,” I get really confused when my eyes land on a picture of a white girl with Taylor Swift hair. I think to myself, “Did Sheneneh bleach her skin?” So yeah, they need a new couple name so the confusion can stop! Maybe JenRis? Or JMart? Or LaMart? Or La Wart? La Wart it definitely is!

Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin have reportedly been doing it for a few weeks now and even though they’ve been together in public places, there’s zero pictures of them together. No grainy cell phone pictures. No slick pictures that a tricky trick took of themselves in the foreground and La Wart in the background. None of that. But at last night’s iHeart Radio music festival at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin ended up in the same frame. We’re getting closer to the truth!

People says that JLaw was at Coldplay’s rehearsal and sang along. During their set at the iFart Radio music festival, she stood on the side and went to his dressing room afterward. Because you won’t believe it until you hear it from an anonymous source, here’s an anonymous source repeating what I just wrote in the sentence before this one:

“She was off to the side of the stage when he performed. After his set, she snuck back into his dressing room.”

JLaw’s PR team should leak a picture of them sucking on each other’s mouths already. Because all we’ve got are stories of her going to Coldplay shows and singing along to every song, and a picture of her backstage with Chris Martin in the background. At this point, Jennifer Lawrence is coming off as Coldplay’s #1 fan and a Chris Martin groupie stalker. I won’t judge JLaw for knowing the words to every Coldplay song (yes, I will), but I will never be able to look at her if it came out that she’s a Chris Martin groupie stalker. That’s like saying that unsalted mashed cauliflower made with tap water is your favorite food ever. Even Taylor Swift would say, “Girl, love yourself more.”

Pics: Getty

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