And so it begins. Or should I say Bey-gins? NO I SHOULD NOT. On Friday night during one of the last On The Run concerts in Paris, Jay-Z changed the lyrics to the song “Beach is Better” in a way that made it seem like he was trying to subtly announce that he had busted a bareback camel nut into his wife and that Beyoncé was pregnant with the second chosen Illuminati child. Of course, the internet lost its damn mind; FEMA and the Red Cross are still trying to clean up the mess left when the Bumblebeys heard the news and their heads exploded, Scanners-style.
And now Beyoncé has thrown her wig into the rumor ring. A black-and-white photo of Bey and Jay Camel was posted to Twitter yesterday (via Daily Mail) showing the happy couple celebrating the end of the On The Run tour in Paris with glasses of what looks to be champagne. If it’s actually champagne, then this might be Bey’s way of telling us she doesn’t currently have a case of fetus fever. But the picture is in black-and-white, so we have no idea if it’s actually champagne! It could be water! It could be apple juice! It could be a glass full of low-viscosity wig glue! We have no idea. JUST TELL US WHAT YOU’RE DRINKING, BEYONCÉ!
Of course, nothing is truly officially until an angel descends from heaven to place a God’s Choice baby halo around her stomach. So until then, let’s say she’s not pregnant, just “prepping her pillows”, so to speak.
And here’s Bey and Jay keeping the rumor mill churning by going out for dinner at the Jules Verne restaurant in the Eiffel Tower last night. Oh look, what do we have here? Fancy dinner? Romantic setting? Jay-Z with his camel hoof around Beyoncé’s shoulder? Beyoncé covering her stomach with her purse? YAWN. Even Blue-Blue is like “It’s getting surf-boring, mommy.”
After Kanye West told a fan in a wheelchair to stand up at one of his shows in Sydney, he should’ve just said, “Sowwy. *Kanye shrug*,” and moved onto his next act of buffoonery. But Kanye West wouldn’t be Kanye West if he didn’t use a situation to nail himself to the cross and mouth shit out a long-winded stream of cold farts about how the media keeps painting him, an egotistical ass, as an egotistical ass. During his last show in Sydney last night, Kanye queefed up another WOE IS ME rant where he said that the media has the wrong target and he’s a married Christian man. Sorry, Christians, but Kanye belongs to you now and you can’t give him back. No refunds or exchanges! “Well, we had a good run. RIP Christianity 1-2014″ - Paul, Jesus or whoever the founder and president of Christianity is (was)
Rihanna Takes An Angry Swipe At CBS For Pulling Her Song From Thursday Night Football Last Week (UPDATE)
Last week, CBS decided to pull Rihanna’s song “Run This Town” along with a narration by Don Cheadle from the opening of Thursday Night Football’s broadcast of the game between the Baltimore Ravens and the Pittsburgh Steelers, and instead replace it with a discussion about domestic violence. At the time, CBS Sports chairman Sean McManus explained they chose to do so because after all the Ray Rice shit that had happened earlier that week, it no longer fit the tone they were going for. However, they did plan on using RiRi’s opening at a later date, and “Run This Town” is back for this week’s broadcast.
I guess RiRi was smoking space blunts on an alien yacht somewhere in the Blorg-6 Riviera, because it looks like she just got the memo that CBS is using her song for Thursday Night Football once again. Oh, and she is NOT having it. Princess Ooh-Na-Na took to Twitter to drag CBS for ever pulling her song in the first place:
I’m not sure what I love more: that RiRi combined a “Fuck you” with a “Y’all are sad” (it’s the peanut butter and chocolate of insults) or that she followed it up with a Dowager Countess-sounding “The audacity“. I pictured RiRi writing the first Tweet in a g-string and chinchilla-fur bikini top with a half-smoked blunt hanging out of her mouth, then changing into a high-necked Gibson Girl dress and grabbing a pair of opera glasses while throwing her nose in the air and haughtily declaring: “My goodness…THE AUDACITY! Charles, take a note on the telegraph – I want everyone to know how displeased I am with those boorish oafs at the Columbia Broadcasting System.”
Clearly CBS should apologize to RiRi, but a basic Hoops & Yoyo eCard isn’t going to cut it. If they really want to get on her good side, they should send over Don Cheadle nestled in a giant basket filled with decorative grass (you know what kind she likes) wrapped in a sash that says “Sorry we were RUDE BOYS, but we is BIG ENOUGH to admit we fucked up“. Don Cheadle can fix anything.
UPDATE: CBS has announced that they’re pulling Rihanna’s extraterrestrial warbling from the intro to Thursday Night Football for good and replacing it with some “newly created” theme music. THE AUDACITY!!!!
Training session for the position of Michelle Duggar’s gynecologist. – Maudi
Kanye sent him in to make sure the people buried there were really dead and not just refusing to stand while he performed. – I am Legend
The Colombian women’s cycling team uniform that had everyone seeing chocha over the weekend!
When the Colombian women’s cycling team showed up to a race in Tuscany, Italy last week, everyone thought they were members of the Miley Cyrus women’s cycling team since it looked like their crotches weren’t covered. But they were just working some Trompe-l’œil coochies, because that beige, gold-ish fabric only made it look like they were serving up a row of hairless beavers. I love their unsuspecting looks that say, “Why are all of the photographers crouching down and pointing their lenses at our down low parts?” That is the same face Brit Brit used to make when she’d get out of a car with no panties on.
Some hos on Twatter freaked out about this and wondered how in the hell did nobody notice before sending them out in public? Of course they noticed. One of the team’s members designed that mess and I’m guessing that she and the sponsors got what they wanted. I mean, we’re all talking about the Colombian women’s cycling team aren’t we? Well, played! But Brian Cookson, the President of the Union Cycliste Internationale, isn’t slow clapping at all and thinks their uniforms are highly UNACCEPTABLE!
To the many who have raised the issue of a certain women’s team kit, we are on the case. It is unacceptable by any standard of decency
Oh, please. Throw some cold water on that boner, Mr. Cookson. It’s not that serious. But I do agree that the uniforms need a little tweaking. If these were the uniforms for the Brazilian women’s cycling team, they’d be perfect. But it’s Colombia! They should add a little landing strip or something.
And according to Metro UK, this is what the Colombian men’s cycling team uniform looks like:
That Ken Doll crotch is not a good look. They deserve better too. The designers should attach two ball-shaped water jugs to the crotch and attached to those ball-shaped water jugs should be a long, girthy hose that reaches all the way to the cyclist’s mouth so he can quench his thirst while racing. They can call that
contraption cocktraption the ThermoLeto!
Jennifer Tilly (56)
Nick Jonas (22)
Teddy Geiger (26)
Travis Wall (27)
Ian Harding (28)
Max Minghella (29)
Madeline Zima (29)
Sabrina Bryan (30)
Katie Melua (30)
Alexis Bledel (33)
Amy Poehler (43)
Tamron Hall (44)
Marc Anthony (46)
Rossy de Palma (50)
Molly Shannon (50)
Richard Marx (51)
Orel Hershiser (56)
David Copperfield (58)
Mickey Rourke (62)
Ed Begley Jr. (65)
George Chakiris (80)
B.B. King (89)
The first shots from Brangelina’s very own Eyes Wide Shut called By The Sea are out and judging by these pictures, the movie’s investors must be really happy since they’re saving a lot of money in the budget by not having to buy food or soap - Lainey Gossip
Kandi Burruss might have a baby growing in her and if she does, I can’t wait to see the episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta where Mama Joyce tries to fight the baby after calling it a gold digger – Reality Tea
This Means War ruined romantic comedies for Tom Hardy – Celebitchy
Nicki Minaj’s old high school is missing out, because she could’ve let the science department examine the mysteries of her Fix-A-Flat ass – WWTDD
Dear Ariana Grande Latte, Brit Brit did it better – Drunken Stepfather
Snoop Dogg really needs to change his weed strain, because the one he’s currently smoking isn’t doing good things to his brain – Towleroad
It looks like Nicki Minaj’s ass has an ass - The Superficial
So what kind of foolery did Urban Outfitters pull today to get free publicity? – Gawker
And that overcooked crow Wendy Williams ate probably has more life in it than Kim and Kanye’s fake marriage – Jezebel
Selena Gomez got bangs – Popoholic
While scrolling, scrolling, scrolling and scrolling some more through this mega list of Madge’s best magazine covers, I kept saying to myself, “That Interview cover of her looking like a masturbating Clockwork Orange clown better be in the top..” – Boy Culture
The double dose of fetus growing in Zoe Saldana’s body has grown some more – ICYDK
Photoshop did wonders for Lindsay Lohan’s Wonderland Magazine spread – Hollywood Tuna
I’d hit ‘em all – The Berry
Holly Montag (Remember her? I won’t judge you too much if you shake your head yes) got married – Popsugar
You’d probably get the heaves if I asked you if you’d dieu Gerard Depardieu, but would it change your mind if I told you that he probably cums wine? – Pajiba
A Zoolander sequel is happening maybe – OMG Blog
I know what you’re going to do in two summers and it won’t include seeing the I Know What You Did Last Summer reboot – Just Jared
Here’s Rita Ora leaving a London Fashion Week event on Saturday night looking like a cross between a cracked out, broke off, dozed off hooker Teletubby and a cracked out, broke off, dozed off hooker Pebbles Flinstone. From the bodyguard’s “Are you serious with that busted Patsy Stone-on-a-budget makeup?” side-eye to Rita using the ends of her hair as bangs, there’s too much to take in here, so I’m going to go straight to the shirt that speaks to all of us. That shirt cost $225, but if you don’t feel like burning money by buying one, you can make your own for $0 using an old t-shirt and a red Sharpie. You should be warned, though, if you wear that shirt out in public, there’s a very good chance that Steven Bauer will jump on top of you and try to fuck it.
Just like a male massage therapist’s b-hole when John Travolta tries to tickle it with his finger, John Travolta’s mouth closes firmly shut every time someone brings up the gay rumors and he usually lets his lawyers do the talking/threatening/suing for him. But while talking to The Daily Beast about his new movie The Forger, John dribbled out a few words when asked about the allegations from the pilot who claims to be a former gay lover of Scientology’s friendliest bear. Travolta’s alleged ex gay piece is trying to sell a book about their time together and John’s lawyers tried to stop that from happening, but they failed. The Daily Beast brought that shit up during their interview with John and surprisingly, Scientology goons didn’t rush into the room, grab the recorder from the interviewer’s hand and then drag that bitch to a cell next to Shelly Miscavige’s in a dungeon under a fortress in the desert somewhere. John didn’t deny, but he did say that those bitches are just looking for cash.
Right now, there’s this pending lawsuit from a man who claims to be your former pilot about a romantic relationship. What’s the deal with that?
This is every celebrity’s Achilles heel. It’s just about people wanting money. That’s all. It happens on many levels.
You are a high-profile figure, and as such, it seems like you get targeted a lot more than anyone else with these types of allegations.
Also, I don’t care that much about it. Other people may attack it back more than I do, but I let all the media stuff go a long time ago because I can’t control it. I think that’s why it persists, to some degree.
Do you find it offensive?
I found it most offensive with the loss of my son. I felt like that was the lowest I’d ever felt. Sex stuff is always going to be interesting to somebody, but you stay away from family. You really should. With that, I always felt like the media—not all of the media, but parts of it—went too low there.
Hmmm, no, I think it persists, because whenever John Travolta goes in for a massage, he can’t keep his paws to himself and is always trying to squeeze nature’s massage lotion out of a masseur’s crotch spigot. But whatever. The Daily Beast did ask John the questions that a lot of people don’t ask, but they didn’t ask the question that all of us want the answer to. They didn’t ask John why he continues to be a horrific animal abuser by wearing that parched, tortured, half-dead Lhasa Apso on his head.
Here’s John at the TIFF premiere of The Forger looking like The Operation man with a pile of pubes glued to his face.
One Of The Writers For OITNB Says The Show Made Her Realize She Was A Lesbian And She Left Her Husband For Poussey
One of the head writers for Orange Is the New Black, Lauren Morelli (not to be confused with Lorna “Chris-TUH-fuh” Morello, who is…not a real person), recently confessed in an essay written for Identities.Mic back in May (via People) that writing about Piper Chapman getting finger-banged by Donna from That 70s Show made her realize that, despite being married to a dude, she was totally a gayelle. Oh, and that she’s in love with Poussey (aka Samira Wiley).
Lauren says that she had been married for all of 5 months when she got the job writing for OITBN, and but the second she stepped on set she knew she was ready to pawn her wedding ring for a one-way bus ticket to Downtown Pussy Town. Writing about the hot gayelle love between Piper and Donna (or Donna with glasses, whatever her character’s name is) made her think “Hmmm, maybe I don’t love dick as much as I thought I did” and she started to take a mental inventory of all the times she felt like a lesbian, which as it turned out, was all the time. So she came out as a gayelle to her husband and filed for divorce. I guess that makes her ex-husband the Larry in her life. Did anyone else all start hating Lauren’s ex-husband all of a sudden? Goddamn Larry! He’s the WORST.
Making the transition from penis to pussy can be difficult, and Lauren could have had her pick of any of the pussy-poppin’ ladies of the OITNB cast (are you looking at that flawless Macklemore hair? How could they resist!). Personally, I would have picked Flaca or Black Cindy, but Lauren chose the very adorable Samira Wiley, aka Poussey.
I’m sure some of you are wondering why Lauren didn’t celebrate her switch from dicks to dykes by adopting a “go big or go home” attitude and skipping past an entry-level lesbian like Poussey and going straight for Big Boo, but NO! That’s like learning to swim by getting thrown in the deep end of the pool! You can’t start with Big Boo! Big Boo’s pussy has a difficulty rating of 7.8! Big Boo is for experienced lesbians ONLY!