In Maroon 5′s video for “Animals,” humanized used tampon Adam Levine stalks his real-life wife Behati Prinsloo and humps on a piece of meat in a slaughterhouse while thinking about doing her. Adam Levine should be fined for thinking he’s Patrick Bateman and for contaminating all that meat with his skankness. You know, an inspector from the health department should just go ahead and slap an F on that video and shut it down - Lainey Gossip
Have Lifetime’s Prison Wives been in prison too? Because they all look like they were in a prison yard shiv fight with Vee from Orange is the New Black and lost – Reality Tea
Laura Jeanne Poon is a complex human being who has many different shades and most of those shades are plastered as hell – Celebitchy
Emily Ratajkowski thinks she’s Kate Moss – Drunken Stepfather
Well, it could be worse, Lena Dunham could be paying her book tour opening acts with copies of her book – The Superficial
An 11-year-old got injured while partying at a club at 1 in the morning, and you probably didn’t even finish that sentence before you started shouting, “It has to be Florida!” – WWTDD
Aretha Franklin’s cover of “Rolling In The Deep” is an auto-tuned NO, but her Photoshopped eyebrows are a thing of exquisite beauty and have got me rolling in the deep – Towleroad
Second tier Elvira impersonator + a hooker who sort of looks like Cher = Jessie J’s look – Hollywood Tuna
DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH – Jezebel
Who the hell would want to talk to Taylor Swift anyway? I’d just want to talk to Olivia Benson – ICYDK
Here’s Channing Tatum’s nipples, if that’s what you need today – Popsugar
Megan Fox’s face looks different and even her kid is having a “Harpo, who dis woman?” moment – Popoholic
This puppy needs walking lessons from Miss Jay – The Berry
Couldn’t have happened to a shittier douche – OMG Blog
We’re living in a world where crime lab technicians who have gone to school to be crime lab technicians have to test SpaghettiO residue to see if it’s really meth – Gawker
Everyone involved in Avengers 3 decided they weren’t making enough millions so they’re splitting the movie into two – Pajiba
Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig show you how to deal with a reporter who’s pretending like he saw your movie when he didn’t – HuffPo
Um, it’s obvious that Brad Pitt and St. Angie Jolie didn’t go to George Clooney’s wedding in Venice because they knew their piping hot star power and blazing holy gloriousness would’ve sucked up all the attention - Just Jared
It’s still Monday so why not turn off your brain (“Um, I do that as soon as I go onto Dlisted.com, bitch” – you) and get into an 80-second-long video of a cat slipping into a cloud of purrrre ecstasy while getting vacuumed by his human. If you’re really confused while looking at that screen shot, let me guess that this isn’t what you had in mind when you landed on this page after Googling, “pussy getting sucked off hard.”
While some cats would scratch open their human’s face if a vacuum got near them, Bobo has always loved getting Hoover’d. Bobo’s human said on Facebook (via Metro UK) that his love affair with vacuums started when he was a kitten and now he’s addicted to it.
When he was a little kitten (about 2-3 months old) he liked to play with the brush, his two brothers were affraid and they “dissappeared” when I started to use the vacuum cleaner (I regret that I didn’t record more videos with little Bobo…seeing him chasing brush was very funny). When Bobo was bigger I tried to use the same type of brush like in this video on his back. He was surprised and a little scared, but after 2-3 “sessions” he started to like being vacuumed. Now it’s a ritual for him.
Bobo might think he’s got his human well-trained in the art of cat massage, but I see the human as the real winner here. Because all of the cat hair that’d normally end up all over the sofa is getting sucked into that vacuum’s stomach. If Bobo poops in the toilet and thinks scratching furniture is something low-class trash does, he’s the perfect cat. Clone him!
And somewhere, Parasite Hilton’s gynecologist is watching this video while wishing that her pussy would behave like this when they vacuum the crotch critters off of it.
A million years ago, Don Henley (Side note: Why hasn’t current day Val Kilmer played current day Don Henley in a Lifetime biopic yet?) opened his pie hole to say that the Fleetwood Mac song “Sara” is about the unborn baby he made with Stevie Nicks. Don and Stevie planned to name their kid “Sara” before she had an abortion. Stevie has never publicly talked about it, but she briefly talked about it during an interview with Billboard.
Stevie said that it’s not one of those “Rumors” and she’s not going to tell any “Sweet Little Lies”. Yes, Stevie got pregnant with a little “Songbird” when a “Landslide” of Don’s jizz filled her after he stuck his “Bare Tree” in her while doing the horizontal “Tango in the Night” in a “Room On Fire.” If Steve gave birth to a little “Gold Dust Woman,” she and Don planned on naming her “Sara.” And I’m going to stop right now before I bruise the mashed pile of “Green Manalishi” I call a brain by trying to weave “You Make Loving Fun” into this.
I notice you haven’t said which of your ex-boyfriends “Hard Advice” is about. That reminds me of a story Don Henley told years ago, about your [Fleetwood Mac] song “Sara.” He said you got pregnant while the two of you were dating, and Sara was the name you gave the unborn baby.
Had I married Don and had that baby, and had she been a girl, I would have named her Sara. But there was another woman in my life named Sara, who shortly after that became Mick’s wife, Sara Fleetwood.
So what Henley says about the song is accurate, but it’s not the entirety of the song?
Right. It’s accurate, but not the entirety of it.
In the same interview, Stevie said that she checked into Betty Ford in the 80s after a doctor told her that she’d have a brain hemorrhage if she snorted one more line of coke.
So there you go. Stevie says it’s true. But in the 1970s wasn’t everyone knocked up with Don Henley’s baby at one point or another and in the 1980s wasn’t everyone a coke line away from their brain bleeding?
Let’s just get this out of the way, because I’m sure it’s the only thing you really care about: no, you won’t get to see his New York Trouser Giant – BUT – there is a chance we might get to see his defensive end. Pray 4 butts, it’s all we’ve got.
So another hot-bodied hottie has been added to the cast of what will surely be Channing Tatum’s magnum opus, Magic Mike XXL; former football player and Live! with Kelly and Michael host Michael Strahan will make an appearance as a stripper. Did you hear that sound? It was the sound of a million morning TV-watching memaws and stay-at-home moms getting the vapors and fainting into a pile of folded laundry.
Michael admitted on Live! this morning that after Channing Tatum jokingly asked him to appear in Magic Mike 2, he then asked him a second time for real if he’d appear as a stripper, and he agreed. Michael also says he’ll be wearing a “kind-of a thong thing”, which means we won’t get to see any penis. But also because, duh, we’re not going to see any penis anyways because it’s a Hollywood movie. If you want penis, you’re going to have to watch the Magic Mike parody, Spellbound Sam (which I assume is something that exists).
But what Michael doesn’t realize is that he doesn’t technically ever have to show his thong-wrapped stra-ham. He can use a crotch double! And who better to stand in as his dick-double than Kelly Ripa’s erect belly button! Just have Kelly slip a g-string around stomach and shoot it from a couple creative angles, and no one will know the difference!
And in case you want to know what Michael Strahan stripping looks like, here’s him busting out some bachelorette party moves on Live! two years ago.
Update from Michael K: Warner Bros. announced the full cast, and joining Gappy Strahan, Channing Tatum, Matt Boner, Joe ManJello, Kevin Nash, Gabriel Iglesias and Kevin Nash will be Amber Heard, Jada Pinkett Smith, Elizabeth Banks, Andie MacDowell and Donald Glover. They also spit up a synopsis.
“Magic Mike XXL” finds the remaining Kings of Tampa ready to throw in the towel. But they want to do it their way: burning down the house in one last blow-out performance in Myrtle Beach, and with legendary headliner Magic Mike sharing the spotlight with them. On the road to their final show, with whistle stops in Jacksonville and Savannah to renew old acquaintances and make new friends, Mike and the guys learn some new moves and shake off the past in surprising ways.
Um, yeah, that synopsis means nothing to me, because it doesn’t say how many pairs of bare ass cheeks they’re going to show and if they’re finally going to do things right by giving us dick shots. That’s the only thing us, desperate, hard-up whores care about.
After mostly laying low for months and staying away from the driveways of Memaw Mushroom Queens and Party City wigs that look like they were pulled out of the gutter the day after Halloween, Amanda Bynes got arrested for allegedly driving while under the influence of drugs. Insert TyraScreamingWeWereAllRootingForYou.GIF here. Also, insert the ShockedNotShocked.GIF for the people who follow Amanda’s supposed secret Twitter account.
TMZ says that Amanda was pulled over in L.A. on Sunday morning. The only thing that TMZ knows right now is that she was taken to a nearby station at 4:10AM on a misdemeanor DUI. She was released into the wild at around noon after posting $15,000 bail. Amanda Bynes’ quick descent into Our Lady of Cheetos circa 2008 territory started when she was arrested for DUI in 2012. And now here we are again.
I’m sure TMZ will throw up Amanda Bynes’ latest mug shot of beauty any second now and if she’s wearing a crooked wig that looks like it was made with Benji’s mangy ass hair and she’s looking at the camera like, “Camera, you’re ugly,” then everyone in the L.A. area needs to hide their bongs, hide Drake’s dick and immediately build a safety fence around their driveway.
UPDATE: TMZ’s source says Amanda was high on the good shit while driving. Their source says that Amanda was doing okay until the conservatorship she was under ended this month and she moved out of her parents’ house and into her own place in Orange County. Busted Wig Amanda started peeking out again as soon and she got some of that reefer in her. Cue Amanda’s mom screaming, “REEFER MADNESS,” again. TMZ also says that Amanda is still on probation so she could face a bigger punishment if a judge feels she violated her probation. Please. Amanda got arrested in L.A. and she’s still kind of a celebrity, so nothing’s going to happen to her. The judge will sentence to her to 2 days without Starbucks and that’s it. That’s if the judge doesn’t leave the court room in tears after Amanda calls them ugly.
I feel like I should be forwarding this picture of Avril Lavigne’s Duncan Hines Dildo-looking cake to Michael K with the subject line: “Would you hit it?“. For real though, why does that cake look like it was made by Buddy Valastro at Doc Johnsons? Is it just me? It looks like a giant factory defected cupcake fuck toy called “Sweet ‘Splosions“, right? Maybe it’s just me (and no, I wouldn’t hit it, because those gumballs look like they might catch on something).
On Saturday, the Manic Panic Pixie Dream Goblin turned 30-years-old, thus officially making her too old for this shit. And to celebrate, UsWeekly says she had a big birthday party at the Bellagio in Las Vegas surrounded by friends and other perpetual Hot Topic-humping emo teens. Except there was one less vinegar-scented bottle of human douche at the table – Avril’s estranged cocker spaniel-looking husband Chad Kroeger was NOT invited. Sorry Nickelback, no Bellagio buffet for you!
It makes sense that she wouldn’t invite Chad to her birthday party. First of all, they were only married for 14 months. Second, Avril can’t mack on 34-year-old Dickies-wearing pop punk hedgehogs when her ex-husband keeps coming up to her asking if she wants a fresh Rye & Dry (CC and ginger ale). Third, nobody wants to hear that dumb dingleberry growl-sing “Huuurrrrpy buuuurthdurrr terrrr yerrrrrr….“
But what was Chad doing instead? I dunno, probably at Château Shame crying and looking at photographs.
Here’s more of Avril arriving at the Bellagio for her 30th birthday party, and for the first time in her life she’s dressed her age, which also happens to look exactly like Amy Adams auditioning for a Real Housewives biopic.
If you’ve been wondering if Amy and Samy Bouzaglo, the pieces of bat shit wrapped in reality show gold from Kitchen Nightmares, have been forcibly institutionalized yet, TMZ answered your question yesterday. Amy’s Baking Company is still open, Samy still hasn’t been deported and they’re still injecting thirty gallons of crazy into Scottsdale, Arizona.
Yesterday, TMZ posted a video of Samy serving a giant plate of insanity while going after a customer with either a knife or a pen. The dude who took the video tells TMZ that a drunk dude was eating at Amy’s Baking Company in Scottsdale and Samy got mad (because that’s what Samy does) and kicked the drunk dude out. The alleged drunk dude left, but Samy still had a whole lot more crazy to give and so he chased the customer out while wielding a knife. Amy and Samy tell TMZ it was a pen, not a knife. Does it really matter? A true crazy bitch can turn anything into a dangerous weapon. Samy also tells TMZ that the drunk dude was falling down and causing a scene and became even messier when he was told to leave.
As Samy threatened to kill the drunk dude, Amy made Sweet Dee from It’s Always Sunny.. look like the portrait of restrained sanity by screaming like a rabid hyena while trying to hold her partner in lunacy back. Dear Amy and Samy’s cat sons, this is your mom and dad and if you get the urge to go down to the Department of Mental Health to take out the Arizona equivalent of a 5150 on them, I’ll gladly call you an Uber.
CBS5 Arizona says that Scottsdale police showed up at around 5pm. The drunk customer was gone by then. The cops didn’t arrest anybody, but charges may be filed once (and if) they track down the drunk dude and interview him.
Amy and Samy are legitimately ten layers of crazy on top of forty layers of insane, but that video feels very staged and choreographed. Why would a customer leave after Samy yelled at him? Isn’t that the reason why you go to Amy’s Baking Company in the first place? You don’t go for the food. You go for the psychotic theatrics! If I went to Amy’s Baking Company and Samy didn’t threaten to kill me and Amy didn’t call me a piece of trash whose mouth doesn’t deserve to touch her gourmet creations, I’d write this Yelp review: “If I could give them zero stars I would. Samy didn’t scream into my face and Amy didn’t call me ‘ugly trash’ in cat talk. Will never go back!“
Sorry, you’ll have to give me a moment – I’m trying to make sense of Brad Pitt’s janky facial hair on the cover of GQ. Why does it look like his beard is running away from his moustache? And why does his chin look like an elderly badger after a bikini wax? “Oooh girl, let your garden grown!” said some elderly badgers.
Brapi gave an interview to British GQ where talked about his gorgeous hair in Interview with the Vampire and what the hell was up with St. Angie’s wedding dress. NO! I wish. He actually talked about pretentious Hobo Brad shit (all of which is super-fun to read in Taran Killam’s Brad Pitt voice):
At the airport in Venice today, George Clooney, Amal Alamuddin and their famous friends joined hands and bowed as their audience clapped, cheered, threw bouquets of roses at their feet and thanked them for delivering a tour de force OLD HOLLYWOOD GLAMOUR FASHION BOAT EXTRAVAGANZA! Before George and Amal took their final bows and left Italy, they officially got married in a 10 minute-long civil ceremony at Venice’s town hall. As George Clooney put a crack in the earth’s core by becoming a married man, the fame whore, social-climbing gold diggers of the world poured one out for George’s bachelor days and thanked God that Leonardo DiCatchAHo isn’t wearing a wedding ring yet.
Amal (who was dressed up like Bianca Jagger if Bianca Jagger was Carmen Sandiego) and George continued to redefine the meaning of EXTRA when they got on a boat named Amore and waved to their adoring subjects while thinking they’re the most glamorous thing to ever happen to a boat. Newsflash, bitches. The most glamorous thing to ever happen to a boat happened when Nomi Malone danced on one at a Las Vegas boat show in Showgirls. After AlaLooney made it official, they sashayed out of city hall and each spit out one word to reporters. via People
So how does it feel to be married? “Nice!” Clooney, in a gray suit, told waiting fans as he walked out of Ca’Farsetti with Alamuddin, who wore a cream-colored pantsuit and hat. Chimed in the new (Stella McCarney-clad) Mrs. Clooney: “Amazing!”
Asking a trick what it’s like being married ten minutes after they got married is a dumb question, but George’s answer was still funny. Nice! To George Clooney, 10 minutes of marriage probably feels like 10 years of marriage. If you asked him 5 seconds after he got married what married life was like, he’d say, “WONDERFUL!” If you asked him a minute later, he’d say, “GREAT!” And if you asked him 20 minutes later, he’d say, “Eh, you know….”
And now it’s over. Congrats to Clooney! Congrats to Amal! Congrats to Vogue (or People and Hello if you ask Lainey)! Congrats to the Venice Tourism Board! Congrats to the makers of boat fuel! And congrats to us all! I hope the divorce ceremony is as glamorous as this.