Archives: September 2014

RIP The Meaning Of Everlasting Love: Canada’s Royal Couple Is Headed For Divorce

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Pretty much every time two twats break up, I declare the death of love and say that Valentine’s Day should be canceled forever and we should all spend February 14th mourning the loss of true love by bawling into a giant plastic clear tub of Neapolitan ice cream (I know you buy that shit at Costco) while wearing a black veil. (That’s how I spend my Valentine’s Day anyway). But this time I really mean it. If a half-broken Canadian Go Girl who should be arrested for committing crimes against ears and a half-broken Canadian Go Girl who should be arrested for committing crimes against ears can’t make it work, who can? Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger are on the same level of awful. They are a match made in hell and they should be together forever. I don’t know what to believe in anymore.


Martin Lawrence Does Date Night At Home

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

As always, cut to the real Martin Lawrence wondering: ‘Damn Gina, when the hell did I decide to stop doing date night at The Cheesecake Factory?

According to People, Chris Pratt’s sister from another mister (whatever the fuck that means) Jennifer Lawrence and human casual scarf Chris Martin don’t do regular date nights like the rest of us: they don’t realize at 5:45pm that they forgot to take a shower and rush to find a shirt that doesn’t smell like turkey or is covered in dog hair before driving across town to the ‘good’ Olive Garden to wait 45 minutes for a table because SOMEONE forgot to call and make reservations. They don’t do that. What they do do is they stay at home and bask in the warming glow of each other’s radiant awesomeness. Or slow-fuck to “The Scientist“, I dunno:

“Jen has made a few visits to his Malibu house,” says a source. “Chris seems very respectful of Gwyneth and feels more comfortable spending time with Jen away from his family.”

On weekends, though, the singer has been all about his kids Apple and Moses. “Gwyneth and Chris take the kids for brunch or dinner together every weekend,” says the source. “He and Gwyneth still share responsibilities when it comes to their two kids.”

Ugh, poor JLaw! I bet that when date night comes around, she’d love nothing more than to hit up her local Hooters for some all-you-can-eat wings and get wild on a couple $5.99 pitchers of PBR, but Chris is too tired from being GOOP-whipped all weekend, so they have to stay home. And you know that sleepy-sounding trick is already at maximum tired before he even shuffles off to Castle Goopskull! Imagine what it’s like when he comes home? “Oh god, then she made the three of us go on a 3-hour scavenger hunt for a 15th Century Italian hairbrush hand-carved for Cosimo de Medici she’d hidden somewhere in the house. Our reward for finding it was to brush her hair 10,000 strokes while she told us about the many uses of imported dolphin salt. I’m exhausted. Let’s just watch some Big Bang Theory and order Thai.

So TMZ Has Pictures Of Daniele Watts Allegedly Doing Her Boyfriend In The Car

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

That didn’t take long. Two days after TMZ posted police audio from that messy “Daniele Watts vs. the LAPD” situation, they posted pictures of Daniele Watts and her boyfriend Brian James Lucas allegedly getting into some daytime car sex fun times in a Mercedes parked on a street near CBS Studios in Studio City, CA. I see you, Mr. Green Shirt. I see you trying not to turn to your right to get a full view of the afternoon fuck show.

Daniele and Brian wrote on Facebook and later told the media that they were only kissing in their car and weren’t doing anything wrong. But then TMZ heard from witnesses who claim that Daniele and Brian weren’t only making out, but they were also straight up boning with the passenger door wide open for everyone to see. When TMZ posted that little tidbit, I filed it directly under “PICS OR GTFO.” Well, leave it to TMZ to get the pics.


Tom Hiddleston Got A Job In The Next King Kong Movie

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

A million crazy fanboys and girls are like “I would do anythang to be that monkey.” Are they called Hiddle-stans? They should be.

According to Deadline, hunky British imp Tom Hiddleston has been cast as the star of the upcoming King King reboot/remake/prequel/sequel/whatever the hell they’re calling it Skull Island. I’m sure you’re thinking “Didn’t I just watch a King Kong reboot?“, and yes, you did. In case your brain has permanently erased the last King Kong reboot from your memory (I don’t blame it, that shit was looooooong), King Kong happened in 2005, was directed by Peter Jackson, starred the hot busted-nosed pimp Adrien Brody, and it took place on both Skull Island (King Kong’s home base) and Asshole Island (aka Manhattan). But this King Kong remake will be totally different, I promise! Skull Island takes place ONLY on Skull Island. See? TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

Also it’s being directed by Jordan Vogt-Roberts, who sort of looks like the skinny hipster version of Peter Jackson, and stars the Internet’s side-piece Tom Hiddleston. Again, this is a very different movie, because Adrien’s nose looks like it’s been broken 4,287 times, and Tom’s nose looks like it’s only been broken once.

Skull Island comes out on November 4th 2016 – yes, MORE THAN TWO YEARS FROM NOW. I guess they want to get the Hiddle-stans all fired up long before then. Not cool, guys! You know how King Kong goes totally mental when they take him from Skull Island to New York? That will be the internet sometime around December 2015! You can’t make the Hiddle-stans wait so long! For the sake of the producers, I hope another Avengers movie comes out between now and Skull Island, otherwise the Hiddle-stans will form a rat-king and climb to the top of the Empire State Building clutching Jordan Vogt-Roberts and demanding he work faster, goddamn it! The Hiddle-stans don’t play.


Taylor Swift Took Her Cat For A Little Walk Because She’s Taylor Swift

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

If in her hands, she was also holding a baby pink cotton lunch bag full of the heart-shaped raspberry and pastel yellow marzipan tarts she baked in her mint-colored 1950s oven and a couple of restraining orders from ex-boyfriends, this would be the Swiftiest picture ever.

It seems like every single day, Taylor Swift’s Vintage Barbie-looking ass is always taking a stroll in front of the paps from the front door of her Manhattan apartment building to an SUV. When you’ve seen one set of pictures of Tay Tay dressed like Ann Taylor’s answer to Betty Draper or a pre-Goth panda Jenny Humphrey from Gossip Girl, you’ve seen them all. Taylor knows this, so during yesterday’s choreographed and staged photo-op stroll, she brought along an adorable guest star: her pussy Olivia Benson! Olivia Benson looks so confused and something tells me that isn’t the first time a pussy has been perplexed by something Taylor’s hand is doing. (That “joke” that just soared over your head was supposed to be a fap joke. The 10 gallons of coffee I inhaled obviously haven’t yet hit the pile of mashed neurons I call a brain.)

Watching a person hold a cat friend like it’s a dog friend is like watching a power bottom get boned by two 10 inch peens in a porn. It seems complicated, almost impossible and you assume that a lot of drugs were involved.

My mom has a cat who lets ANYONE (even strangers) hold him like he’s a dog. But that cat also loves chips and El Pollo Loco, so he’s a freak of nature. Olivia Benson and my mom’s cat must be cut from the same bizarre cloth. I am disappointed, though. While going through these pictures, I hoped that my eyes would land on a picture of Olivia Benson tearing Tay Tay’s wannabe Cher Horowitz outfit to shreds after getting spooked by the paps. Next time, Olivia Benson. Next time.

Pics: Splash, FameFlynet

Jenny McCarthy Lost Her Wedding Ring When She Was Banging Mahky-Mahk’s Brother On Their Wedding Night

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

During an interview with Good Day NY (via UsWeekly) America’s slutty fart Jenny McCarthy admitted that she no longer has the hitchin’ ring Mahky-Mahk’s fire-starting tough-hangin’ brother Donnie Wahlberg slipped on her hand only 17 days ago, and it’s not because she had to pawn it to pay for her new tits. Jenny says that shortly after her pre-divorce ceremony, she took her new future ex-husband back to the hotel so she could play Singled Out with Donnie’s dick. Unfortunately the 2-carat cubic zirconia on Jenny’s hand became an unwanted third, so she placed her wedding ring on a room service tray and they got to making greasy Wahlburgers. It wasn’t until much later that she realized that room service had mistaken her wedding ring for a piece of crumpled tinfoil (probably) and threw it away:

“I’ve already lost the ring. We were staying in a hotel and you can’t have a wedding ring on… it’s a little hard to get romantic with diamonds on your hand. I removed it and put it on the room service table and they came and turned down the room and the ring was gone… But you know what though? If you’re gonna lose your wedding ring, you should lose it that way.”

Yeah, that ring wasn’t “accidentally” taken by room service; it wasn’t taken by anyone. That ring left on its own! Jenny’s wedding ring realized it was going to spend the next 3 months (or however long their marriage lasts) two feet away from Jenny’s shit-spewing talk hole, so it decided to make a break for it when it saw that it had a chance.

And can you blame it? It probably spent most of its childhood dreaming of the day it would be placed on the opulent finger of an exquisite beauty, like Angelyne or Bruce Jenner. Then when its time comes to be pulled out of a velvet box, it gets slid onto the greasy finger of a piece of obnoxious vaccination-denying rubber-titted trash. How repulsive!

But what do we have here? It’s Jenny McCarthy walking around New York yesterday and – MIRACLE OF MIRACLES – it looks like Jenny found her long-lost wedding rings! Or she’s a liar and she never lost them in the first place. Yeah, that one.

Pics:, Splash


Beyoncé’s Assistant Still Doesn’t Know How To Photoshop Thighs Properly (UPDATE)

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

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Beyoncé really needs to book Basement Baby into an 8-week intensive night school class at the Adult Learning Annex, because this shit is getting ridiculous. Bey recently released some pictures of her celebrating her 33rd birth-bey (you know she calls it that) on a yacht in the South of France, but it looks like she had more important shit to do, like planning out her next publicity-humping long-term stunt with Jay Camel, because she clearly didn’t go over proofs with a fine-toothed wig comb. If she had, maybe she would have caught Basement’s sloppy ‘shop job on her thigh gap in this bikini pic before they went up. This isn’t the first time Beyoncé has ordered one of her minions to fuck around with her thighs, but it’s definitely the most obvious. Like Miss Cleo says: THE CARDS DON’T LIE!


Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

The memaw in a rocking chair who screamed “YEW STINKUH! in the David E. Kelley logo that played after every episode of Ally McBeal, The Practice, Boston Public and all of his other shows.

While writing about the Dancing Twins from Ally McBeal the other day, I remembered the grandma in the rocking chair who got knocked the hell out by the David E. Kelley logo after every episode. That shit was blatant memaw abuse! It’s like the prequel to the Life Alert commercial. That logo better have run its ass out of there and stowaway’d on a ship heading out of the country or joined the Abuelita Protection Program, because you know once that grandma pulled herself out of that chair, she put on all her rings, pulled off her shoe, got her switch (Adrian Peterson’s sensei, is that you?) and went after that brat ass logo.

But seriously, this is probably a posthumous HSOTD, because according to an article from The Baltimore Sun published in 1998, the grandma in the logo was David E. Kelley’s actual grandma Mildred. Mildred was 97 in 1998. David lived with Granny Mildred when he was in law school and “YEW STINKUH!” was one of her favorite phrases to say.

So Granny Mildred is in heaven, screaming “YEW STINKUH!” at the brat angels who interrupt her TV time.


Birthday Sluts

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Cassandra “Elvira” Peterson (63)
Wade Robson (32)
Constantine Mouralis (39)
Bobby Lee (42)
Nate Berkus (43)
Keith Flint (45)
Matthew Settle (45)
Anastacia (46)
Malik Yoba (47)
Doug E. Fresh (48)
Bryan Singer (49)
Kyle Chandler (49)
Amy Roloff (51)
James Urbaniak (51)
Baz Luhrmann (52)
Dustin Nguyen (52)
BeBe Winans (52)
Kevin Clash (54)
Rita Rudner (61)


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