Archives: August 2014

Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 31, 2014 / Posted by:

The Windmill at Every Mini Golf Course!

Everyone knows that mini-golf is a historical dutch tradition, hence the presence of a beautiful and tasteful windmill at every fucking mini-golf course in the entire country. Windmills at mini-golf courses are as American as apple pie, baseball or Kim Kardashian’s ass. When I was eight my mother had a copy of Sidney Sheldon’s “Windmills of the Gods” and I thought it was about Zeus owning a mini-golf course. Which actually would have been a really hot movie.

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Birthday Sluts

August 31, 2014 / Posted by:

Richard Gere (65)
Jeff Hardy (37)
Shar Jackson (38)
Sara Ramirez (39)
Chris Tucker (42)
Deborah Gibson (44)
Queen Rania of Jordan (44)
Jonathan LaPaglia (45)
Gina Schock (55)
Julie Brown (56)
Marcia Clark (61)
Van Morrison (69)

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Open Post: Hosted By Amber Rose Keeping It Modest And Tasteful, As Usual

August 30, 2014 / Posted by:

To celebrate Wiz Khalifa’s album, Blacc Hollywood, hitting the number 1 spot on the Billboard 200, his exquisite former-stripper wife Amber Rose paid tribute to her husband’s career milestone in the most Amber Rose-ian way possible: by recording a video of her twerking her all-natural XXL booty balls in her underwear in front of a fireplace and a portrait of her husband and posting it to Instagram. It’s videos like this that totally explain why Amber Rose changed her name from her born name, Amber Levonchuck: a demure goddess that’s as delicate as the dewdrop on a pristine rose petal should have a name to match.

Obviously if you’re going to acknowledge someone’s accomplishments, a half-naked twerk-o-gram is the way to go. Fuck flowers! If I did a good job, I’d be thrilled to receive a jiggling ass. Then again, if Michael K surprised me a twerk-o-gram, productivity would drop to 0.00%, because both of us would be too busy marveling at such booty beauty to get any damn work done.

And is it just me, or does Amber Rose look exactly like a come-to-life version of one of the Amazonians from Futurama?

Video: Amber Rose

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Joan Rivers Is Currently On Life Support

August 30, 2014 / Posted by:

I figured if there was any time to post a gorgeous picture of Joan Rivers serving up stunning 80s pink taffeta realness with the most glamorous creature in the universe, Miss Piggy, it was now. On Thursday night, Melissa Rivers released a statement regarding the status of her mother’s condition after Joan’s heart stopped working during a procedure at a clinic, saying that Joan was in resting comfortably in a coma (which made me hopeful, because if daytime TV has taught me anything, it’s that people wake up from comas all the time).

But today TMZ is bringing us the shitty news that Joan Rivers has been put on life support, and that her family will have the next couple days to decide when to turn the machines off. TMZ says that Joan’s family is hopeful that an angel dressed like Loretta Castorini will descend from Heaven and tell her to snap out of it, and the NY Daily News says she’s surrounded by her family at this time.

I was under the impression that Joan would out-live us all (considering she’s had considerable upgrades done in the past 20 or so years) so I don’t know what to think. I definitely don’t want to think about her being escorted up to Heaven by the ghost of Spike, and I DEFINITELY don’t want to think about poor Melissa having to make the decision to pull the plug on her own mother (too sad). But I suppose if sad shit is mean to happen, at least Joan herself can tell me everything is going to be OK (skip to the 23:27 mark and get your finest Joan Rivers for QVC scarf ready to dab at your eyes):

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When The Expression Of A Baby Says It All

August 30, 2014 / Posted by:

North West is only 14 months old, and already she’s mastered an expert-level “over it” expression, which is insane, because babies don’t usually start learning how to pull such flawless baby resting bitch face till at least their second birthday (at least according to Today’s Parent). But 1-year-old North West is already slaying all the other babies by emoting just how genuinely unimpressed with her mother she is. Remember when just a few short months ago, North used to stare quizzically at Kim Kardashian, like “Harpo, who dis hooker?”. Now she stares at the ground disappointed, like “Sadly I’m aware of who this hooker is”. Clearly living with such a useless piece of cheap trash has fast-tracked her development. HA! “Living“. Listen to me, talking as if Kim has seen her baby enough in the past year to be considered anything more than “casually visiting”.

She’s also managed to perfect the art of subtlety, which, again, very difficult at this age. Where most babies being held by Kim Kardashian would roll their eyes or cry or take a smelly shit in their diaper, North is more reserved with her emotions and chooses only to show how completely uninterested she is in her stripper-looking mom’s tits-out attention whore antics. For someone created from the busted DNA of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, baby North is actually incredibly smart.

Here’s more of Kim, Kim’s kurrent husband Kanye, and the baby they sometimes take pictures with at LAX last night at 1am (you know who loves flying at 1am? BABIES!). I love how North is staring at the TSA guards like “Hey guys! I’m larger than 3.4 ounces! Confiscate me!

Pics: Splash

Madonna Proves She’s Still A Nasty Bitch By Taking An Angry Swipe At Lady Gaga On Her New Album

August 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Madonna’s 13th studio album isn’t expected to be released till like, Christmas or 2016 or some shit (whenever she takes a break from Instagramming sexy memaw selfies in the bathroom, really), but the details of one track have already been leaked, and I’m sure it was totally by accident and not carefully choreographed, because Madonna would never pull such a cheap stunt to drum up publicity for an upcoming album. Never!

According to the Daily Mail, the cunty diss-hissing Madonna of days past makes a return during a song called “Two Steps Behind Me” (aka where the assistant who was hired solely to administer her daily Botox injections is at all times) which is rumored to be about unauthorized Madonna impersonator Lady Gaga. And just like Lady Gaga, the a sampling of the lyrics shows that “Two Steps Behind Me” is destined to be a busted mess:

“You’re a copycat, Where is my royalty? You’re a pretty girl, I’ll give you that. But stealing my recipe, it’s an ugly look.”

“Did you study me hard enough? You’re never gonna be, you’re just a wannabe me. Like a sister all messed-up, who’s gonna help you out? In your fantasy, you can try it all. But you can’t be me.”

“You can walk the walk, even talk the talk. But you’ll always be two steps behind me.”

Oh my god, I love bitchy Madonna as much as the next person, but this song sounds like it was written by Regina George coming out of a Kalteen Bar coma. NO! Regina George would be more creative than that! This is the song Kim Kardashian would write about the “haters” if she knew how to write. It’s so bad. But you know the video will be way worse, and I’m actually really excited about that. Madonna is about as subtle as a shit in a shoe, so the video will definitely have a low-budget Lady Gaga (“So a low-budget Madonna?” – You) spying on Madge with binoculars and tearing Vogue-era pictures of out of magazines and hanging them on her wall. It’s going to be a melodramatic middle school-looking disaster. I can’t wait!

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