When it was reported yesterday that Joan Rivers had been rushed to the hospital after her heart stopped beating and her lungs stopped breathing during a throat procedure at a clinic, my first reaction was to scream out NOOOOO! while clutching at an egg of Sully Putty and praying the Rosary on the fine craftsmanship and exquisite detail of a Joan Rivers for HSN beaded necklace. But my second reaction was the same as J Harveys: we both immediately cried “WHAT ABOUT MELISSA?!?”, because what the hell would Melissa Rivers do without her mom?
Thankfully we don’t have to cross that bridge just yet, but it sounds like we shouldn’t disassemble our prayer shrines either. Us Weekly says that Joan is currently in a medically-induced coma, while Melissa has released a statement via a rep from Mount Sinai (the hospital where Joan is laid up) that her mom is doing okay for now:
“I want to thank everyone for the overwhelming love and support for my mother. She is resting comfortably and is with our family. We ask that you continue to keep her in your thoughts and prayers.”
Joan has been in the hospital for around 24-hours, and already her condition has been upgraded twice from “critical’ to “stable” to “resting comfortably”. Bitch works fast! I’m hoping that at this rate, her condition will be upgraded to “watching reruns of House Hunters on HGTV” before Sunday. Then on Monday morning, she’ll appear on HSN hustling her new line of exquisitely crafted 14K rose gold IV catheters and hissing insults about how hideous her nurse’s scrubs were on Fashion Police (what am I saying? She’s probably already doing that from her hospital bed).