This Is ABC’s Next Bachelor For “The Bachelor”

August 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Because ABC’s selections for The Bachelor are always predictable as fuck (white, white, built, and white), I’m going to attempt to blindly guess as much about the newest bachelor as I can, based solely on my rudimentary knowledge of The Bachelor. I solemnly swear to Dorioto Jesus (my deity of choice) that I know nothing about this new bachelor except that his teeth look like pieces of Dentyne Ice gum and he loves pastels.

1. His name is probably Andrew or Craig. He looks like he could also be a Brad.

2. He’s either a management consultant, professional (re: played one pre-season game before getting benched, then cut) baseball/football player, or the ever-popular “entrepreneur”.

3. He’s from the east coast, maybe Boston. Or a bit further south, like Virgina or Georgia.

4. He’s between the ages of 32 and 34.

Okay, so now let’s see how close I got! According to People, ABC’s newest bachelor is named Chris Soules (damn, I was so close with Craig!), a 32-year-old farmer from Iowa. Farmer from Iowa? That’s not a bullshit made-up job like “synergy consultant” or “merchandising analyst” (both code for “unemployed actor”). Is everything alright, ABC? A farmer from Iowa doesn’t sound like an aspiring future fame whore, aka the only reason why anyone agrees to be on The Bachelor. But that over-styled hair and Zoomed-to-hell-and-back set of blindingly white chompers tells me there’s potential, so I’m not too worried about his fame-humping game.

I didn’t watch the 10th season of The Bachelorette (aka Andi Dorfman tries to find love after meeting the world’s worst dude) but apparently, Chris is one of Andi’s leftovers who got the boot right before the finale because bitch didn’t want to pull a Green Acres and move to Iowa. Which means he’s still trying to reach for that fame rainbow, or he legit wants to find somebody to love and he needs help because the OkCupid selection in Iowa is limited to single-and-ready-to-mingle dairy cows and DTF bundles of hay. What do you have against slutty bundles of hay, Chris? Hay needs love too!

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