Last night was the finale episode of Chelsea Lately, thus ending Chelsea Handler’s 7 year run as E!’s drunk aunt. And to celebrate being free from no longer having to walk the halls at E! and smell the stink of Lucifer’s ball sweat wafting off the Kardashians (or 7 seasons, whatever) she called up all the famous hos in her life and told them to put on something clean-ish and get their asses down to her studio to sing her ass off the stage. And they all showed up, probably because Chelsea’s dog Chunk commanded them to do so with his adorable face. Look at Chunk Handler! I’d rob a liquor store for that dog if he asked me to! No, you’re right, I wouldn’t; but I’d definitely consider it.
There were more famous people at Chelsea’s last show than there were at the Emmys and the VMAs. Bitch must have some major dirt on everyone! Gwen Stefani (or Gwen Storfono), Jennifer Aniston, Justin Theroux, Miley Cyrus, 50 Cent, Sandra Bullock, Dave Grohl, Selena Gomez, Gerard Butler, Tim Gunn, Ellen, Jesus, Santa – fucking EVERYONE! Name someone, they were probably there. And they all sang! Because who doesn’t love watching a bunch of buzzed assholes try to remember words to a song?
Chelsea then thanked the audience for tolerating her drunk sun-baked ass for 7 years and got ~emoshunal~ and asked people to go to Miley Cyrus’ Facebook page to donate money to the homeless youth shelter she’s currently hustling for and told everyone she’d see them on Netflix. Well, yeah, maybe when I’m done bingeing on every single episode of 90210 and American Dad. We’ll see.
She also filmed a sketch where Ellen (who looks so much like Alice from The Brady Bunch with that shower cap on her head) approaches her in the shower to ask why she’s never been on her show. Warning: NSFWTDLBBB (not safe for works that don’t like blurred-out butts and boobs) and NSFETDWTSNC (not safe for eyes that don’t want to see a naked Chuy).
Ellen is trying so hard not to look directly at Chelsea’s nipples, but not for the reason you’d think. It’s because Chelsea’s nipples secrete a very potent alcoholic discharge and just looking at them will get a bitch drunker than a guy named Brad (or Chad) at a Daytona Beach Spring Break.
Speaking of booze nips, Chelsea also had Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Aniston, and Mary McCormack throw her a surprise intervention, which was meh + sure whatever, until Sandra Bullock brought out 50 Cent:
…who actually looked kind of adorable and OH GOD I said that out loud, didn’t I? Whatever, I think 50 Cent is cute. Acknowledge your demons, right? I think I just heard Michael K planning an intervention for me all the way in Mexico.